Letters to Strangers: Dear Father
You never lead me through the forest, but the world taught me to lead myself.
Before I begin this little letter here I just need to say that there will never come a time where I don't see you as a hypocrite, liar, and a coward. You were given every chance to explain why you did all the things you did to me, and why you could never do anything for me unless it also benefitted you. Alas, when I came begging for answers you decided to focus on your own comfort again, and I will never forget such a cowardly act.
For both of our sakes, let's hope we do not cross paths in life once more.
Get Over Yourself
Where does a drunk, womanizing, child abusing, low-skill man grow such a huge ego? No, seriously, where in the world have you made even a modicum of a mark outside of the emotional damages you spread everywhere you go? How can you feign so much pride while being so obviously broken on the inside?
There isn't one woman in your life whom you haven't cheated on, and when I try to accept you for it you can't even acknowledge your own reality. My mother, every subsequent girlfriend you tried to graft to my life as if your decisions didn't affect anyone, and even your own expressed principles; you cheat on everyone and everything. Pretending to be a bible-thumper while breaking every tenet in nearly every religion must be a real bitch for any logic you use to process reality.
A good question for you to answer, if you could ever bring yourself to be honest, would be, "What's the point of pretending when everyone sees you for who you are?"
Do you really believe that by throwing on your rose-colored glasses, and ramming them into the eyes of others that you can really hide your every flaw? As you stumble about drunk and slurring your words, are those rose-colored glasses really meant to act as a filter for the abuse you dish out? You're lucky I was beaten into submission by your ex-wife, because you know damn well I've been able put you face down in the dirt since I was about fifteen, and my fear of being beaten was greater than my need to resist you.
I suppose, despite all the abuse you forced me to endure, there were some valuable lessons I could take away from our broken relationship.
Everything you failed to do taught me how not to treat a child, and for that I thank you bitterly.
Lessons Learned Through Your Failure
When your only child came to you in a time of desperation you offered a hand of help, but all I saw was it reaching out to choke me. It became more and more clear that my instinctual recoil from you was the correct move as you refused my one ultimatum for letting you back in my life. All I wanted was an explanation as to why you abused me, and why you let my mother manipulate you all these years when you were the only one to go even slightly against her insanity.
I asked you so many questions: Why did you have to force me to have, "perfect," posture by poking and punching me in the chest? How did you become an alcoholic, and why don't you try to stop along with smoking as well? Why do you continue to self-medicate when you berated me my entire life for taking the pills and therapy mom forced on me? What brought you to cheat on mom, and nearly every other woman you have been with?
You couldn't remain sober for even a single conversation, and even further you couldn't handle getting asked the, "hard," questions. Your insecurity and anger wouldn't let you open up to your only son who suffered through years of your and his mom's bullshit only to be pushed aside like an inconvenience. This willful ignorance, this disowning of your responsibility in a cowardly way, it taught me just how valuable a parent is to a child.
Did you know that being disowned and disregarded by a parent leaves a gaping hole in your psyche, one of the hardest holes to try and fill? I bet you do, because your dad considered you and your sister failures for your entire lives and didn't want much to do with you. Your own mother abused you to such a degree you won't even talk to her, and yet you did the same to your son teaching me the valuable lesson that abuse is illegal for a reason.
One of my favorite aspects about your stupidity would have to be your vehement hate of medication, all the while you can't escape alcoholism and nicotine addiction. Did you know the second my son was born I quit smoking and ingesting any form of intoxicant? Perhaps all those years of calling me, "a delicate little flower who needs medication to function," really lit a fire under my ass, but that's just playing into your abuse because I did it by my own will, because I am and always have been better than you.
Did It Bring You Satisfaction?
As I was growing up, rather than nurture me into the man you always wanted me to be, you spent all your time comparing me to other people's kids. How does it feel to be compared to a pile of dogshit by almost everyone now? I hope it feels good to stalk us from afar, at a level of sobriety and happiness you could only ever hope to reach.
Unlike you I won't be comparing my son to any other person in the world, especially not in front of friends and family for the sole purpose of humiliating him. Do you recall calling me a baton-swallower in front of the neighbors after goading me into swallowing entire string cheeses whole? I remember it, and I always will.
How about that time you and your heifer reprimanded me for hitting on the neighbor girl, in front of her and your heifer's calf? You were always jealous when I would talk to young girls, and that only solidified everyone's claims in my mind that you were a child predator. Did it bring you satisfaction to humiliate me in front of females during the few times I followed your wishes to be more social?
I mean, there must be some sort of pleasure you gained from encouraging me to be something I really wasn't, only to punish me when I lived up to your words of encouragement. Is that what gets your rocks off, mentally torturing kids, let alone your own child? There will never be a time in my life I don't see you as a sick, twisted, anti-moral asshole.
All the prayer and scripture in the world can't undo your sins. Only you can, but you won't stop committing them.
God Won't Save You
You know, every time you get backed into a corner like the pathetic little prey animal you are, you always bring up the fact you are a, "good Christian," among other hilariously hypocritical claims. Not only is the Abrahamic idea of God a complete waste of time, you could take a look at the world around you and see that there is no benevolent designer behind all this. Why do you adhere to a set of ideals you fail to live up to the second you wake up, you dummy?
Perhaps you're just a glutton for punishment, and you feel as if your sins are washed away because you martyr yourself by your own hand. I see that as no different from self-harm, which is a very serious reaction to curable mental health conditions. Heck, maybe you should become a flagellant, at least then there would actually be proof of your repentance.
Nonetheless you're silly, because by the standards of your little book you cling so hard to, there is no light at the end of the tunnel for you. God won't be there to save you when darkness falls upon your world, and if he were then you'd still have to answer to me. Unlike you, my child is a God to me and I treat him as such, but you'll receive no mercy from me at the end of your days.
So go, keep grasping at straws and hope you don't plummet to the pits of boiling blood and sulfur, because if your God is real then I'll be right behind you waiting to hold you under.
Wish I Had a Real Father
I've grown exhausted and disgusted with talking about you, so I'm going to close this letter out by saying I wish I had a real father when I was growing up, and especially now at the time where I have had my own child. You don't even care enough about yourself to want to change for your growing bloodline, but all the while will bitch and moan about the importance of family. You're no father, and you never were; you are a sad sack of shit, and you always will be.
If it wasn't for your lack of parenting skills I wouldn't be here where I am now, so I suppose I can thank you for that. However, I've already exhausted my kindness and thanks to you in other letters only for you to scoff at them. You deserve no more praise, and you deserve no more of my time. What you deserve may never even come outside of your slow and ever-encroaching death.
Should we ever cross paths again I hope you've kept yourself strong, because I won't be relenting ever again.
Comments
Kyler J Falk (author) from California on October 26, 2020:
@Barbara: I can't tell if this comment is passive aggressive towards the content of my article, or just seemingly out of place, lol! I'm sure Bill would love for you to extoll and discuss his opinions through a private email.
Thanks for the comment and the traffic anyways!
Kyler J Falk (author) from California on October 26, 2020:
You and your husband really do sound like wonderful people, Zulma! It's always amazing to hear about families that pulled it together despite their origins, and remain a tight and supportive unit. That's definitely something I am succeeding in emulating in my own life, and I don't know how anyone could let their children suffer under a situation like the ones we went through.
Keep being awesome, and thanks for reading!
Barbara Purvis Hunter from Florida on October 26, 2020:
billybuc, a diamond of a man emerged from your biological family and for years I have been a fan of your writings. And, of your wonderful insights. It is always a pleasure to read your opinions even if we differ in some areas--I respect your opinion.
Bobbi Purvis
Zulma Burgos-Dudgeon from United Kingdom on October 26, 2020:
Hi, Kyler.
My father was absent during my life. I mean he went to work, came home for dinner every night and to watch TV, but in between he was out drinking and playing dominoes with his friends and girlfriend. I don't feel any hate or anger because I didn't know him well enough to get emotionally invested in him.
I lucked out when I married my husband. He's a wonderful father to our kids. He dotes on them and he's their hero. God, I love that man.
It's good to see how you've risen above your beginnings to be a better person than your parents ever dreamed of being.
Best wishes always.
Kyler J Falk (author) from California on October 25, 2020:
It's good to hear your adoption played out well for you, Bill, as there are so many horror stories about adoptive parents and their children. As for this helping me, I'd say it has offered me a look into what it is I still feel, and has given me a tangible point to focus on for healing. It's the closure he never would have offered me, and I think I can rest easy knowing I made the right choice in walking away.
Thanks for reading, and for the words of encouragement!
Bill Holland from Olympia, WA on October 25, 2020:
Bravo! I am a huge proponent for writing works like this one.
I'm adopted. I got lucky. The biological family I was ejected from was a mess. One brother died in prison, the father died from alcohol, as did my biological mother....just a mess! And to think I could have ended up in all manner of pain and abuse if not for that adoption.
Well done! I hope, in some small way, this helped you.
Kyler J Falk (author) from California on October 24, 2020:
I appreciate your words of encouragement and recognition of my struggle, Ivana. It is a difficult process to recover from the trauma, but every day I am getting stronger and stronger. With the support of the world around me, from people such as yourself, I will continue to remain strong and pushing on!
Thanks for reading!
Ivana Divac from Serbia on October 24, 2020:
This is such an emotional letter. It takes a lot of courage to be this honest about the people that should be close to us, but fail to do so. It also takes a lot of strength to rise above it all, so you truly did become a warrior. Even if your parents never see your letters, it's too hard to keep quiet while you carry such a burden on your shoulders, and it's so brave of you to speak up. Many people who've been through hell with their families will surely find comfort and inspiration in your words.
Take care of yourself, and keep being this amazing!
