One of the perks of being the 'Greyhound Guru' is that you get asked a lot of questions about bathrooms.
More specifically, the bathrooms on the Greyhound bus.
People are very concerned about the facilities that will be available should their phone ring during their trip and the caller ID read:'Nature'.
The good news is that Greyhound has bathrooms on all of their buses.
The bad news is that sooner or later you are going to have a potty emergency that will require you to use one of these bathrooms.
Some of you are saying to yourselves "I'd never poop on a Greyhound bus, ever! This is because you've never had a Giant sized 'chili' dawg from a Greyhound bus station.
When one of those things decides it's time to come out you have about T-Minus 9 seconds to find a bathroom or find new pants. I'm just here to let you know that when riding Greyhound, finding new pants may be the better option.
Now I want to make it clear from the start that I am not saying that all the bathrooms throughout the Greyhound network are a mess. Some of the bathrooms are actually quite clean.
There are some buses that have been freshly serviced and the bathrooms shine like a new penny. They have fresh chemicals in the toilets and the paper goods are fully stocked. You could eat off the counters in these bathrooms.
You, however, will never see one of these bathrooms. It's in the fine print on your ticket. You will only hear about these clean bathrooms from experienced travelers like myself who have spent the required amount of time on Greyhound buses to have the clearance to discuss them. And even I've never seen one, I've just been authorized to tell you that they do exist.
What you will find on your bus will be a bathroom that is basically a mobile Porta-Potty that smells of dirty diapers, cheap cigarettes, and desperation.
And it will have the appearance of not having been cleaned since the dot com bubble burst. And that's on the NEW buses.
The biggest culprits for messing up the Greyhound bathrooms are, of course, men. Let's be honest fellas we have aiming issues even at home.
Blame our eyesight, blame our organs, whatever. But we all know that half the toilet paper we use in the bathroom is used to clean up misfires and blowback. And this is in a familiar bathroom.
So you can imagine the kind of damage we do in a cramped, unfamiliar Greyhound bus bathroom that is hurtling down the road at 60+ miles per hour. So let's not put all the blame squarely on Greyhound's shoulders.
And speaking of blame, Ladies, you play a small role in the decline of Greyhound bus bathrooms as well. I don't know what that role is because I've never been in a bus bathroom with a woman yet but I'm sure ya'll are doing something in there that's anti-clean.
If there is a brave women out there who wants to blow the whistle on this story please get in contact with me and we can arrange an off-the-record bathroom rendezvous on a Greyhound route of your choosing. I'll even bring the chili dawgs...
Speaking of bathroom rendezvouses, I'm always hearing rumors about people having sex on the Greyhound bus and occasionally in the bus bathroom.
Let me just say that while I am all for getting a little freaky deaky in a public place, I draw the line at doing it anywhere near a Greyhound bus.
That takes a different level of freakiness. A level of freakiness that I am not prepared to ascend to unless there are CDC agents on hand to give me an injection of EVERY vaccine and antidote they have ever manufactured at their facility.
I mean, how does something like that even get started? What about traveling on the Greyhound bus gets two people so overcome by passion that they don't notice that there is poop swimming around like 2 inches away from their bare bodies. And that's just in the sink...
I always advise people to try and avoid using the bathroom on the Greyhound bus altogether if they can. It's not worth the risk. You don't know who was in there before you, what they did, or what body part what they did came out of.
If you do have to use the bathroom in an emergency situation, never,ever sit down on the toilet seat. Stand up, squat, hang from the ceiling, do whatever you have to do to keep from actually letting any of your unexposed flesh touch that toilet seat.
There are some places on your body that you just can't scratch in public and still look cool (or clean). So keep those areas away from the whatever microorganism may be crawling on the surfaces in the bus bathroom.
There are bathrooms at the Greyhound bus stations that are an alternative for passengers too afraid to use the bus bathroom. I'll cover those bathrooms more in-depth in another article.
I will say, however, that if you were to catch anything from the bus bathroom then the station bathroom is the great place to purchase something to take your mind off the itching, burning, or oozing.
There is usually at least one drug dealer hanging around near the last stall, and he'll be more than happy to overcharge you for whatever your 'medicine' of choice might be.
After you've made your purchase you might want to pump him for information about the local area, especially if you have a long layover ahead. Just don't ask him where you can find a clean bathroom, I'm pretty sure he won't have the proper clearance...