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"I Confess!" Funny Facebook Status Updates And Tweets About You

StricktlyDating is an Australian writer who creates pages of original funny quotes and status updates.


Funny, silly and random confessions about youself and your life, for funny status updates and tweets. Tap on any picture to share the page to your timeline.

Do you use your Facebook status and tweets to sometimes confess your everyday thoughts, problems and mishaps? If not, why not? It's such a simple and fun way to make light of the situations you find yourself in! It shows you have a sense of humor and keeps your status updates fun! Now I am not suggesting you share your deepest darkest secrets on Facebook as some things are obviously best kept private. But when you're looking to keep your status updates and tweets interesting, why not share some funny little confessions with your friends and followers, to put a smile on their faces when they read their timeline!


I confess...

  • I wear a padded bra because my boyfriends boobs are bigger than mine.
  • I can resist everything, except temptation.
  • I could probably out-sing anyone when I'm in the shower.
  • Any photos of myself I post to my timeline have been through at least 2 different photo editing apps!
  • I must confess I do laugh out loud when I notice selfies that have been edited so much that the person has new eyebrows, a nose job and a lower eye lift! Especially when they make it their profile picture.
  • Everyone thinks I'm incredibly trendy but most of my clothes are hand-me-downs.
  • I buy clothes based on the fact that they don't look like they'll need ironing.
  • I sometimes eat Tim Tams for breakfast.
  • I'm so over my ex that I don't remember his name. Even though we were serious for 2 years.
  • I find it really hard to drink 6 glasses of water a day, but can drink 6 beers in 2 hours.
  • I am not a morning person. I set at least 5 alarms to ensure I'll wake up.
  • I look like a completely different person without makeup on. Sometimes even I don't recognise myself in the mirror!
  • I accidentally dropped my mothers toothbrush in the toilet like 20 times.
  • I can live on 4 hours sleep and feel fine. Anything less and I am a complete mess.
  • Half the time I'm loving and thoughtful, the rest of the time I couldn't care less.
  • I always think my way is the right way!
  • I hate it how everyone disagrees with me until they realise I'm right.
  • I don't really care about your Facebook status updates. And I only check Twitter like twice a year.
  • It was me who let the dogs out.
  • I enjoy breaking wind silently in public and walking away LIKE A BOSS.
  • I shave my bikini line with the razor my man uses on his face.
  • I spend half the day cooking, then go out for takeaway!
  • I may not sing that well, but I feel proud I can keep a relationship longer than Taylor Swift can.
  • Sometimes I tell my friends I have plans with my family, but I just want to hang at home alone.
  • When I said I only wanted to be friends, I wanted to be more than friends.
  • I told my boyfriend I was feeling sick and couldn't meet up. But I was just embarrassed about my gigantic pimple.
  • I might have a bad mout, but I can do good things with it!
  • I once accidentally waxed part of my eyebrow off. I had to draw it on with eyeliner for 6 weeks until it grew back.
  • I'm still waiting for Mr Right and Mr Right Now.
  • My left eyebrow is my favourite.
  • I'm really quite stupid when it comes to relationships.
  • I don't work out to be healthy. I work out to impress my friends.
  • I'm always flirting but I never take it further. I just enjoy a good tease session.
  • I'm so high-maintenance that I carry a mirror with me everywhere I go.
  • I still like watching Cartoons in the morning.
  • My tummy only looks flat when I wear huge knickers that are super uncomfortable!
  • I'm rarely disappointed in life because I've ALWAYS got a plan B.
  • I lecture my younger sister, about things I do myself.
  • I hate it when it's the middle of the day and I see my face in the restroom mirror and realise I forgot to draw my eyebrows on!
  • I trim my arm hair regularly.
  • My hairdresser is a gossip and always wants to hear about my personal life. So I make up awesome dramatic stories about my life whenever I'm there.
  • I try to keep telemarketers on the phone by acting excited about their product. Mid conversation I say "Ok, I'm bored now..." and hang up.
  • I have a secret chocolate stash in my hand bag. And a shot of vodka.
  • I've spent a fortune going to fun parks, but I am always too frightened to go on any rides.
  • I once broke up with someone with a 3 word text message "We're now single".
  • I am extra nice to anyone who doesn't seem to like me because I enjoy teaching them they shouldn't judge someone before they know them... True story!
  • I find getting a massage creepy. I hate the idea of a random persons hands rubbing my skin crevices.

  • I love chocolate cookies so much, I get emotional when I see them.
  • Chocolate makes me smile when nothing else does.
  • I eat Weight-Watchers meals with four slices of thickly buttered bread and still follow it up with a dessert!
  • I cheated in science class and I still failed.
  • I pretend I'm listening, but I'm bored senseless most of the time.
  • I take at least an hour to do my hair so that it looks natural.
  • I find it awkward speaking with someone who has facial jewelry. I don't know where to look.
  • I hate my boyfriend running his figures through my hair because it feels like he's patting me like he would his dog, if he had a dog.
  • I look like I'm sick when I don't wear makeup. Sometimes this is good for sympathy.
  • Even my own family doesn't recognise me without makeup!
  • I own a bicycle I have never ridden.
  • I'm always running late because I spend so much time looking at myself in the mirror.
  • I hate when someone taps me on the shoulders. If you're that close to me, like just speak.
  • It's me who honks when I'm passing your house.
  • I'm happy to walk away without having the last say.
  • If I'm wearing boots I don't care if my socks don't match!
  • I don't look back, unless there's a really good view.
  • I fall in love too soon.
  • I love letting my hair down. I hate people from my office knowing that.
  • Sometimes I wonder why I have freckles on my bottom, since I've never sunbaked nude.
  • It once took me 3 years to get over someone who I wasn't even going out with.
  • I find chubby cute.
  • I'm attracted to hairy men.
  • I pretend I cook cakes from scratch but make them from a packet.
  • I have a fear of ladders. I can't even bear to look at anyone on a ladder.
  • I enjoy coffee breaks and meeting friends for coffee, but I don't actually drink coffee.
  • I have over 1000 Facebook friends, but only a handful of friends in real life.
  • I spend $300 on groceries and still can't find anything to make for lunch.
  • I like eating fast-food more than dining in a fancy restaurant.

What You Shouldn't Confess On Facebook:

  • You feel the urge to do something unsavoury.
  • You are having an affair.
  • You have been profile stalking.
  • You hate several people on your friends friends list.
  • What you are up to while you're off work sick.
  • What you really think of your boss.

Because if you confess to any of these things online you only make yourself look bad and possibly will cause problems in your real life at work and amongst friends. Remember it is always possible that if a friend comments on your status their friends may then be able to read your status too, and even share it amongst the wrong people!

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© 2013 StrictlyQuotes


Susan Hazelton from Northern New York on January 21, 2013:

Funny. I enjoyed the collection. It's funny the things people will put out there about themselves for all the world to read. Up and funny.

StrictlyQuotes (author) from Australia on January 21, 2013:

Thanks MsDora!

Dora Weithers from The Caribbean on January 20, 2013:

Voted Funny: Will have to think about my own silly confession.

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