5 Unspoken Truths of Facebook

Author:
Jeremy Gill
Updated:
Feb 18, 2023

The Age of Facebook

Love it or hate it; this is the day and age of social media. It's easier than ever for us to see what our friends (and random attractive people) are up to. Though Facebook faces rivals like Twitter and Instagram, it's still a networking behemoth that most of us are integrating into our lives.

And, being the sneaky individual you are, you know you can't show your pettiness on such a site, where it would be chronicled for all time. Thus, you utilize mind games and unspoken "rules" or "truths" of Facebook to help cement yourself in cyberspace as an astounding, moral citizen.

So, you conniving raven you, here are five unspoken thoughts we all have regarding Facebook!

1. Whoever Gets More Likes in a Facebook Debate "Wins"

It doesn't matter what subject. Politics (happens way too often). Religious beliefs. Favorite Crayola color. It's irrelevant. Facebook conflicts are inevitable and, unlike most in-person fights, are documented for the world to see.

Let's say you find yourself in such a confrontation. Yikes! Well, you could be mature and privately message or text the individual and try to settle things in person or agree to disagree.

But sheesh, talk about snores-ville. No. You march your stubby little fingers up that keyboard, and you destroy that person with your articulate replies. Be unnecessarily concise and witty while still utilizing proper grammar, earning you more likes from onlookers.

It doesn't matter if you were right or wrong or somewhere in the middle; it matters that you obtain more of those tiny blue thumbs-ups, proving your victory to the world. That'll show them what happens to those who have a different opinion than you.

Also of note: Under no circumstances, ever, ever like your own comments. People will hate you for it.

Take a wild guess whose profile this is.

2. The Twin Profile Ugliness Principle

Let's be real: If there are two same-gendered people in a profile pic, nine out of ten times, it's the uglier person's profile. Really, it's a clever way to gather the interest of Facebook prowlers.

The poor prowlers will wonder if that gorgeous girl or cute guy they see on the profile is the name on their screen, so they browse through a few photos ... and nope! Disappointment, thy name is Facebook. Or, if they're less dedicated, they'll haphazardly send a request and score one friend for the Uggos (ask about our T-shirts, by the way).

People can attract more interest by misleading others into thinking they're attractive or, at the very least, showcasing that they hang out with pretty people.

Very occasionally, you'll see the better-looking person have a twin profile, but even then, you'll doubt their intentions, postulating, "She just wants people to think she isn't shallow." You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch.

3. Unfriend and You Are Dead to Me

Maybe it's because you had an argument (did you get more likes and win)? Maybe you're just not close anymore. Maybe they simply don't appreciate the awesome bag of "yes, please" that is you.

Usually, it goes like this:

You realize you haven't seen any posts from one of your (former) friends in a while.
You go creep on their profile.
Bam! You see that smug little "Add Friend" button.

How dare they unfriend you! You need all 400 of your friends to stay so you don't look pathetic! Believe me, I feel you.

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jesus-was-not-accepted-in-his-hometown-among-his-own-people

So, what can you do? Well, re-friending them would just look desperate, so scratch that. Blocking them would do absolutely no good but might provide a small feeling of satisfaction, so, eh? Alternatively, think something mean about them ("meh, he's gained weight anyway," or "I'm surprised she can afford to lose friends with that personality") and take pride in your small, diabolical victory.

Don't vocalize your thought, though, lest you look like a jerk who can't let go of things. I mean, you are, but they don't have to know that!

Note: A similar rule applies to people who don't accept your friend request. Heifers.

No number, Dan? Oooh ... outlook not so good.

4. If You Can't See How Many Friends Someone Has ...

Then they don't have many friends.

Okay, life is far more than a popularity contest. But to an extent, we all unconsciously judge people by whatever information we have on them, including how many friends are listed on their account. And if you're like me and have only a modest few hundred, you might hide that number to conceal your shame.

But your efforts are in vain: For we all know the eleventh commandment carved into the Ark of the Covenant: hide thy friends, reveal thy shame. How many people have over a thousand friends and hide it? Not many. It's a mark of pride, a sign of acceptance and worthiness.

I know a girl who openly admitted to me she's friended thousands of people she doesn't know just to boost her number, and I suspect she's not the only one—she's just being surprisingly honest about it.

Profile vs. Tagged

5. Profile Pic vs. Tagged Photo

When it comes to profile pictures, assuming you're not riding the extra clicks from some knockout using the Twin Profile Principle, you need to put your best face forward.

In other words, choose the one photo out of the 50 you took where your eyes actually align, and you don't appear to be burp-sneezing, and pretend that's how you normally look. Slap that profile pic button, put 'er up there, and convince yourself you really are that hot. Hey, we all do it; no shame.

And then there are your tagged pictures. If you did the tagging, you probably look fine. If not ... uh ... well, you can pray that people don't have enough free time to scroll that far through your pictures (they do), or you can untag yourself and risk the wrath of the tagger.

I know plenty of people who have not only untagged themselves but asked their friends to take the picture down because they feel they look that bad. Getting a picture that highlights the best features of each individual involved is nigh impossible.

So what can you do? Well, take the pictures of your group on your phone, putting you in charge of the ones that get uploaded. If you look smokin' in some, but your friends don't, tough tooties, losers. If they protest, just say something to guilt-trip them, like, "but it's such a beautiful picture. I love it!" You are a terrible person.

Impact of Facebook

In all seriousness, despite its imperfections, Facebook and other social media are convenient ways for people to collect more bonds than ever before, and I'm grateful for them, hidden truths and all.

Feel free to share which websites you use, and I hope to see you at our next social media examination!