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The Five Sluttiest Wedding Dresses

the-five-sluttiest-wedding-dresses

That Special Day

(Note: The pictures for this article come from manofest.com. All the text is original.)

The wedding day is a special day in every woman's life. One she dreams of from the time she is a little girl right up until the 'big day', and it's a day on which she wants to feel like a princess. Months and months have gone into the preparations, from the caterers to the flowers. She goes to the spa for a facial, a pedicure and a manicure. She has her hair done at the most expensive hairdresser in town. The rehearsal dinner is organized, the reception hall chosen and paid for, and the entertainment carefully selected. Perhaps most important element of all is the wedding dress.

The dress might be purchased new for a small fortune or may have been handed down for generations, from grandmother to mother to daughter, and expertly tailored to emphasize the bride's lovely figure and femininity. It comes as no surprise that above all, the dress is the single iconic representation of the wedding itself, and reflects the brides feelings and sensibilities, a beautifully wrapped package to be presented to the lucky boy who will excitedly open his gift that very evening on the honeymoon.

So why would some brides dress like sluts? I could go on with some psychobabble about “low self-esteem,” but the truth is I don't know. Maybe they think they're hot (or maybe they are) and they want everyone to know just what this guy is getting. Perhaps it's the natural extension of the same culture that brought us “Girls Gone Wild,” only in this case it's “Brides Gone Slutty.” The fact is, I just don't know. The best I can do is tell you the true stories of the 5 following brides and let you decide for yourself what makes them treat their wedding as if it's the bachelor party. I wouldn't like my bride to dress like this. I couldn't handle it, being the jealous type prone to sulking and donnybrooks. But I don't mind it when it's some other sucker's wife. Nope...don't mind it at all. Here then, from least to most, are the Five Sluttiest Wedding Dresses.

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#5: The Teddy

It comes as no surprise that this one's called The Teddy. She even looks like she's ready for bed. Heck, I wouldn't kick her out of bed for eating crackers. But it would be a mistake to get involved with this woman   She'll attract so many guys you'll be beating them off with a stick.  You'll have to constantly be on your guard against the many guys who will try to break in on your matrimonial bliss.  No, better leave this one alone, but the temptation makes it difficult.

Overheard at Wedding:

You think she 'samples' from a lot of sources when she makes a song; wait till tonight. We'll see who she samples from when she makes her husband.”

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#4: The Shorts Dress

I'm at a loss with this one. On the one hand, I suppose it fits the definition of “slutty,” but darn she looks good. It probably helps that this appears to be a model and not an actual bride. Of course, it's one thing to look at the picture and say it is attractive and appealing and quite another to be the guy marrying her. The one who must endure the the looks and salivating of the other men (and some of the women.) In the end, does she pass the mother test...would your mom like it? No. Mom wouldn't like it (but Dad would!) Sorry, I have to give it a thumbs down based on the mother test.

Overheard at Wedding:

You knock out the groom and I'll grab the bride.”

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#3: The Pillow Fight

Her story is a tragic one. She ran away to Vegas when she was 14 to become a showgirl and fulfill her lifelong dream. But after being rejected by Siegfried and Roy, she labored in the sleazy, back street casinos always vowing to make it to the big time. Her dress is actually various pieces “filched” from several different shows, including the tiara which came from the show “The Princess and the Peacock.” Things never really worked out for the bride, and now she serves drinks at Dirty Dan's Emporium. She is marrying an Elvis Impersonator.

Overheard at Wedding:

"Yes, I have an objection, Reverend. I object to that dress!"


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#2: The Melon Patch

Ahhh, the dress that lets everyone know her soon-to-be husband has a boob fetish. The men in attendance will like it just fine and all will be anxiously awaiting the inevitable “wardrobe malfunction.” This is the equivalent of the groom wearing a codpiece, and seems to say “spring is busting out all over.” The bride enjoys bowling and doing jumping jacks for her appreciative man.

Overheard at Wedding:

Holy gazongas!”

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the-five-sluttiest-wedding-dresses

#1: The Lady Godiva

What's wrong with this picture? Look at her and then look at him. It doesn't fit. It does not compute. But on closer examination, it does make sense and here's how. The bride, Ivana Greencardavitch, is a Russian national here working at “Booties” dance club on a work visa. The guy is a customer. He is a sucker. Or maybe he knows he's being had but thinks it's worth it for just one night of wedded bliss with this heavenly woman. Too bad it won't be tonight since Ivana is scheduled for the late shift.

Overheard at Wedding:

I wish they'd get this show on the road. The bride's meeting me back at the club for my weekly private.

You May Now ---- the Bride

I leave you with these thoughts: Isn't it the goal of every bride to look desirable on her wedding day? To appear at her best, most alluring? To make her husband-to-be proud of winning her heart, and by extension, make others jealous? Perhaps the women who wear these dresses are simply trying to present themselves in their best light as they see it, and are guilty of nothing more than poor judgment. And perhaps for that we can find it in our hearts to forgive them, to laugh with them, to wonder and admire the female form.

Or maybe they're just sluts. Can't blame a guy for trying.

The Important Poll

Comments

Allan on May 10, 2019:

A few of the comments on here remind me of something I have heard "if you cant say anything positive then say nothing at all" There are some beautiful girls in the photos and some creative dress designs. Maybe we should all be more tolerant of other peoples views when they are not hurting anyone.

Christoph Reilly (author) from St. Louis on December 17, 2011:

fpherj48 - Thanks, friend. Glad you find me humorous. It's always nice to have people appreciate your efforts.

Suzie from Carson City on December 16, 2011:

The dresses are sad.....but funny.....YOU? You're friggin hysterical! I'm wiping tears away!

Kimberly Schimmel from North Carolina, USA on September 22, 2011:

These "dresses" are the epitome of "white trash." These brides needed some kindly grandmother to take them aside and explain that there is a difference between wedding attire and honeymoon attire!

Christoph Reilly (author) from St. Louis on January 06, 2011:

lifeisabeach: Umm, just a little. Thanks for the comment.

lifeisabeach on January 06, 2011:

Most wedding dresses could be more sexy, but these were over the top.

Christoph Reilly (author) from St. Louis on November 14, 2010:

Andrew: Well said. I can't help but feel a little jealous when I view these pictures, and perhaps that's the point. Thanks for the comment!

Andrew Jones on November 14, 2010:

I have seen a lot of comments saying slutty, cheap etc. but the reality is that this is a beautiful young woman in peak condition and confident in her stunningly proportioned body,You can also clearly see that her spectacular gifts are full, firm and completely natural

We should praise the brilliance of the dress maker who provides a fabulous display of the luscious ripe fruits and shares their perfection for all to see and appreciate.

This is a woman showing the World that she is about to give herself to a very lucky man for physical pleasure – she will have made every man, the vicar included, concentrate on her, desire her and envy the groom who is on the threshold of enjoying a true, natural and suitably horny female in her prime.

You can also clearly see that these are full, firm and completely natural Every man’s dream fulfilled in one incredible dress.

silverfoxygirl108 on September 12, 2010:

It's amazing what people will do. lol This just shows you how far you can go! I liked the way you wrote the first part. :)

Christoph Reilly (author) from St. Louis on August 26, 2010:

epigramman: And you, Sir, are a gentleman and a scholar. Hey, I don't mind the dresses. I'd like to be a guest at a couple or three of the soiree's, know what I mean? Thanks for the comment!

epigramman on August 26, 2010:

..the only person who has a better profile picture than you at these pages of hub is Jesus Christ - but at least you're in good company.

..and how can any wedding dress be slutty - unless you're planning to consummate the marriage by sleeping with his best man!

Gotta love your hubs though - they're fresh, exciting, witty and - of course - essential!

Christoph Reilly (author) from St. Louis on August 10, 2010:

PaperNotes: I'm with you: Flaunt and let flaunt, I always say! Thanks for the comment!

PaperNotes on August 10, 2010:

OMG, those are very stimulating clothes for a wedding! It's good that the brides even managed to wear something for her wedding! We can't blame them, it's their style anyway.

Christoph Reilly (author) from St. Louis on July 19, 2010:

MIGHTY MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Susan Reid from Where Left is Right, CA on July 19, 2010:

CHRISTOPH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Christoph Reilly (author) from St. Louis on July 19, 2010:

Wedding Invitation Designs

Considering your business, your reaction is not surprising. My intention was not to make anyone sick though. Hope you feel better. Thanks for the comment!

Wedding Invitation Designs on July 19, 2010:

I just got a sick feeling in my stomach!

Christoph Reilly (author) from St. Louis on April 22, 2010:

ritosolange: Thank you very much, and thanks for the comment!

ritosolange on April 22, 2010:

Oh my...funny hub. Great ending line.

Christoph Reilly (author) from St. Louis on March 29, 2010:

Hi Dorsi, Yes, they're very...um,stunning. Thanks for the kind words and thank-you for the comment!

Dorsi Diaz from The San Francisco Bay Area on March 29, 2010:

OMG!! I feel embarrassed for these brides just looking at this! Poor judgment or what? I just don't know but I wouldn't have been caught dead wearing any of these dresses at my wedding. Of course I didn't have as much to show off but still.....

Great hub and love your writing style..just hilarious!!

Thumbs up!!

Christoph Reilly (author) from St. Louis on March 11, 2010:

I don't know. What IS holding the fabric up? Hmmmm? I think #4 would have to walk very carefully; no running, no bouncing up and down (Of course, that would be half the fun of these dresses!)

gwendymom from Oklahoma on March 11, 2010:

Wow CR, I really wish you would stop using pictures of me without my permission. Just kidding. I am really wondering though what kind of miracle substance is holding the fabric to those breasts in pic 3 and 4. That some pretty powerful stuff!

wedding photographer on January 25, 2010:

I like any bridal ideas and I'm happy to see some diversity in the wedding dress. I like the article. Very interesting and catchy :)

Christoph Reilly (author) from St. Louis on January 11, 2010:

Ahhhm, my kind of woman. No one (in their right mind) would deny you wearing anything you pleased. Thanks for the comment!

Isabelle22 from Somewhere on the coastline on January 11, 2010:

Slutty dresses? I actually liked a few of them lol. I guess beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I loved this hub.

Christoph Reilly (author) from St. Louis on December 24, 2009:

David V: You're welcome. Glad you liked the post. I'm with you. I wouldn't mind being a guest at a wedding where the bride wore one of these, but not my wife. Thanks for the comment!

David V on December 24, 2009:

great hub Christ...thanks for letting me know these "outstanding" wedding dresses....however i will not going to let my gf wear these dresses on our big day hahaa...

Christoph Reilly (author) from St. Louis on December 04, 2009:

film critic: You are a wise man, dispensing your Soloman-like wisdom among the masses. As for myself, if my bride looked like that, I don't think I would mind this dress under any circumstance (but maybe just on the honeymoon.) Thanks for the comment!

film critic on December 04, 2009:

I am here to veto the thumbs down on #4 based on the mom test, as it is based on insufficient evidence.

Although it is true that a mother of a 20-30 year old son might not approve of such a dress, the mother of a 45 year old, a mother who has otherwise lost all hope, would be happy with any wedding dress as long as it was attached to a bride.

Christoph Reilly (author) from St. Louis on December 02, 2009:

Edward: Indeed. Thanks for the comment!

Edward on December 02, 2009:

#3 and #2: new definition of a booby-trap ...

Christoph Reilly (author) from St. Louis on November 29, 2009:

frizon: Thank you for the comment!

frizon on November 29, 2009:

I think it's part of art and symbol of freedom as long it's not nude but if designer knows how to appreciate what wedding is I am sure she will never wear that gown.

It's really bad

Christoph Reilly (author) from St. Louis on September 15, 2009:

AEvans: Hi AE! I certainly couldn't do it...but then, nobody would want me to! Thanks for comment!

Julianna from SomeWhere Out There on September 12, 2009:

OMG! Those women are quite brave I could not imagine wearing any of them on my wedding day but do have to say they are quite sexy. :)

Christoph Reilly (author) from St. Louis on July 26, 2009:

Anath: That seems like a lot to put up with just so you can wear a sexy outfit. Perhaps just a little role playing?

Anath on July 26, 2009:

I could be a long wait, I need to wait for a marriage proposal first :-)

Christoph Reilly (author) from St. Louis on July 25, 2009:

I, for one, would like to see you flaunt it in that Lady Godiva dress! I'm waiting...

Anath on July 25, 2009:

Ok... so I am the "if you've got it flaunt it type" what can I say? If I had a beach wedding I would love something like that Lady Godiva "dress".

Christoph Reilly (author) from St. Louis on July 25, 2009:

Ixxy: There are a few I would jump at...at least till honeymoon was over! Thnxxy Ixxy!

lxxy from Beneath, Between, Beyond on July 25, 2009:

;D I dunno, many guys would jump @ this...like K-Fed.

Christoph Reilly (author) from St. Louis on July 17, 2009:

Cgull: That is certainly a possibility. Thanks for your comment!

cgull8m from North Carolina on July 17, 2009:

I don't think they are serious about the wedding. Probably they are more interested in the money rather than the marriage.

Christoph Reilly (author) from St. Louis on July 13, 2009:

Mary: You would probably say something like, "I make wedding dresses that celebrate the female form!" lol Thanks for the comment and the visit!

MaryD008 on July 13, 2009:

In the years I've been making wedding dresses I've never been asked to make any like these. Not sure what I would say if I was

Christoph Reilly (author) from St. Louis on July 09, 2009:

stephanie: Thanks for coming by. Yeah, I think if I had it, I'd be a total s*ut! lol Thanks for the comment!

Stephanie from Texas on July 09, 2009:

Hey Chris. I'm just reading this, better late than never right? :)

Loved this! Very funny but true hub.

Truthfully though , if I had it to flaunt like these ladies I would at least think about flaunting it. ;) Well, probably not to this extreme haha.

Christoph Reilly (author) from St. Louis on June 20, 2009:

laswi: That would make some grooms very uncomfortable. But to each his own. I wouldn't mind being at one of these weddings, but I wouldn't want it to be mine.

laswi from Sri Lanka on June 20, 2009:

With this type of wedding dresses the groom can show the real beauty of his bride to the relations and friends and the whole world sometimes.

Christoph Reilly (author) from St. Louis on June 20, 2009:

lauralolita: It is amazing, isn't it. Thanks for your comment.

lauralolita from Florida on June 19, 2009:

Wow, Those are disgusting! I can't believe some women actually want to wear those "dresses" on the most important day of their lives. Ridiculous.

Christoph Reilly (author) from St. Louis on June 19, 2009:

BeautySpeaks: Thanks! Most people think number two is the most tame. I think you should wear a number 4! Thanks for the comment!

BeautySpeaks from Prince Georges County, Maryland on June 19, 2009:

FUNNY!! Especially #2...wowzers!!

Christoph Reilly (author) from St. Louis on June 19, 2009:

sixty: Ha! I think there would be quite a hub bub when she enters the room!

Isyan: thanks for your comment.

isyan on June 19, 2009:

holy cow! very interesting hub you got here... :) pls join my fan club also

Clive Fagan from South Africa on June 19, 2009:

I think the phrase:

" a titter ran through the assembly of dearly beloved gathering here together for the purpose of holy matrimony" might be appropriate?

Christoph Reilly (author) from St. Louis on June 18, 2009:

JamaGenee: Lol. Good point (or "points," as the case may be.) That would be an interesting story: How the ministers or whatever dealt with it. Somewhere along the line, you just know somebody had to screw up! So nice to see you! Thanks!

Christoph Reilly (author) from St. Louis on June 18, 2009:

sixty: Thanks for your compliments but I can hardly take any credit. It's just a fun little thing to look at and as much as I try, I cannot figure out what was going through these ladies minds. I'm not objecting, mind you. Thanks for the comment!

Joanna McKenna from Central Oklahoma on June 18, 2009:

Nobody has mentioned the ministers or JPs who had to *try* to keep a straight face and their eyes in their heads while performing the ceremony! Especially for Ms Melons! You betcha Heaven was getting LOTS of "Dear Lord, help me get through this without embarassing myself"!

Clive Fagan from South Africa on June 18, 2009:

Hi CR what a different and unusual take on wedding dresses. Slutty and wedding hardly belong in the same sentence but you managed it.

Brilliant!

Christoph Reilly (author) from St. Louis on June 15, 2009:

Delores: I can at least appreciate the chutzpa it would take to wear one of them! Thanks for coming by and commenting!

Dolores Monet from East Coast, United States on June 15, 2009:

This was a riot. I've seen ugly wedding dresses before but these were really awful.

Christoph Reilly (author) from St. Louis on June 14, 2009:

guru: I have everything...except a woman dressed like this! lol. Thanks for the comment!

my-success-guru from Upstate NY on June 14, 2009:

Hey Chris,

Amazing! I never saw wedding dresses like this before! Then again were there wedding dresses in those pictures? LOL Here's to your health, wealth and happiness!

Christoph Reilly (author) from St. Louis on June 13, 2009:

Shirley: Lol.

Shirley Anderson from Ontario, Canada on June 13, 2009:

I wish. Her hair's longer and straighter than mine. Otherwise, that's me, although only in my mind.

Christoph Reilly (author) from St. Louis on June 12, 2009:

Shirley: Well, good night. In the meantime, I'll picture you in that last number....

Shirley Anderson from Ontario, Canada on June 12, 2009:

I would've sworn that I had already commented on this hub. Huh. Must be getting old.

Okay, let's see. They're all pretty classy bridal gowns, it's too hard to choose just one. If I looked like a couple of those brides I might consider flaunting to the extreme like that (not).

You never fail to give us such entertaining words and pictures, Chris. It's always a pleasure to read your work.

It's just about 1:00 a.m., gotta sign off for the night. Have a good one and thanks for the glimpse at high fashion! :)

Christoph Reilly (author) from St. Louis on June 12, 2009:

Depends on your viewpoint, I suppose.

Common Thred on June 12, 2009:

Gross!

Christoph Reilly (author) from St. Louis on June 12, 2009:

Suzanne: Bizarre, isn't it. I noticed the bridesmaid too, and she is either hiding her face, brushing her hair back, or whispering something to the bride. Probably hiding. Thanks for coming by and the comment!

justmesuzanne from Texas on June 12, 2009:

Unbelievable! I can't imagine thinking any of those get-ups would be suitable for anything other than a romp in the bedroom AFTER the wedding! In that last one, the apparent bridesmaid dressed in black is even hiding her face from the camera in shame for the non-blushing bride! Sheesh!

How enlightening! Thanks! :D

Christoph Reilly (author) from St. Louis on June 12, 2009:

Immran: I agree. A decision made today because it is daring and exciting could easily be regretted later. Thanks for the comment.

Immran on June 12, 2009:

I think any woman should think twice before wearing such dresses on her wedding day if she wants to show the wedding pictures to her children years later!!! Of course she wouldn't want her children to think slutty of her.

Christoph Reilly (author) from St. Louis on June 11, 2009:

Hi Enelle: Which is a shame? That they would wear these or that I won't be there to see them? Well, I can't even think of anyone I know who would even consider wearing something like this. Thanks for your comment.

Enelle Lamb from Canada's 'California' on June 11, 2009:

However lovely the dresses (or lack thereof) and the supple forms of the women wearing them, I would have to agree with bloggerdollar about the private viewing...shame really....

En

Christoph Reilly (author) from St. Louis on June 11, 2009:

bloggerdollar: But then the rest of us wont get to see. Thanks for reading and your comment!

bloggerdollar on June 11, 2009:

That would make the wedding more fun for sure but I'd never let my wife wear one of those, only for a private night maybe:)

Christoph Reilly (author) from St. Louis on June 10, 2009:

hi Misty! Yes, that would definitely put the brakes on the "almost naked" plans. Thanks for the visit!

Cindy Lawson from Guernsey (Channel Islands) on June 10, 2009:

Definitely not dresses to wear if your parents and in-laws are going to be at the wedding!! Great hub Christoph, plus very funny as always :)

Christoph Reilly (author) from St. Louis on June 10, 2009:

Paper Moon: It is lovely lace, and I should very much like to feel it between my fingers.

Paper Moon from In the clouds on June 10, 2009:

Ah yes, a bigger pic. That is quite nice lace. I am sure you would agree if you could just feel the material.

Christoph Reilly (author) from St. Louis on June 09, 2009:

Hi May! Gosh I haven't seen you in a long time. You were doing the HubSpam though, weren't you? Hope it went well for you! What's up? What's new?

mayhmong from North Carolina on June 09, 2009:

I enjoy reading your comments with those horrible wedding dresses?! Especially how you make it sound like the others are anxciously waiting for a wardrobe malfunction?! LOL

What will they think of next?

Christoph Reilly (author) from St. Louis on June 09, 2009:

Disturbia: Thanks for the visit! I'm sure you would look great in whichever dress you chose! Thank you for your comment.

Disturbia on June 09, 2009:

Very cute hub. I like the teddy myself (wicked lingerie fetish here). But the second one with the little hotpants works too. :)

Christoph Reilly (author) from St. Louis on June 09, 2009:

spiderpam: Thanks for coming by!

spiderpam from USA on June 09, 2009:

The pics are funny:)

Christoph Reilly (author) from St. Louis on June 09, 2009:

prasetio: Thanks.

Aimee: I don't blame you. Perhaps I'm wrong, but I don't think the males in these pictures are "making" the ladies dress that way. I think they want to. What color did you want my spandex?

Aimee30 on June 09, 2009:

All I can say, if someone made me wear any of those dresses I would want no guests, no photography, and maybe not a wedding. I think some of those would be better for the honeymoon. You know what, if man would make dress dress even the slightest bit slutty for a wedding, I'd make him wear a low-cut top and spandex pants so I can see what I like on him.

prasetio30 from malang-indonesia on June 09, 2009:

thanks for share and great wedding picture

Christoph Reilly (author) from St. Louis on June 09, 2009:

alekhouse: Thanks for coming by! An interesting consideration. It could be very odd to show these pics to future kids, of course, who knows what will become standard dress in the future. Thanks so much for the comment!

Nancy Hinchliff from Essex Junction, Vermont on June 09, 2009:

What a hoot! I'm sure the guys really enjoyed this one. I loved the "overheard at the wedding" bits.

"...So why would some brides dress like sluts?"  Good question! I certainly wouldn't want my kids to see pictures of me in any one of these get-ups.

 

Christoph Reilly (author) from St. Louis on June 08, 2009:

Paper Moon: You speak too soon (actually, too late.) I found a slightly larger version of the dress you liked, but did you click on it to check? NNNooooooooo.

I would seriously like to take better pictures of girls dressed in revealing attire for future articles, you understand. Know anybody here in town?

Paper Moon from In the clouds on June 08, 2009:

I demand that you find better resources next time. Ones with better pictures of lace close ups!

What has journalism come to? Perhaps you should look into getting your own photographer. Then again, look who is talking. Never mind. :)

Christoph Reilly (author) from St. Louis on June 08, 2009:

MITB: I can imagine your wife wearing one of these dresses! Actuallly, I can't, because I don't know what she looks like. It is the same with mine. No how, no way. The subject wouldn't even be broached!

MITB on June 08, 2009:

I can't imagine my wife wearing these slutty wedding dress...maybe on our honeymoon but not for the actual wedding ceremony!

Christoph Reilly (author) from St. Louis on June 08, 2009:

Xim:  Thanks!  Yes, to wear one of these for public consumption would be, to me, a little unnerving.  As special attire for the honeymoon suite...or an anniversary, just might do the trick. Isn't the 5th anniversary the Slut Anniversary?

Xim on June 08, 2009:

LOL Ok, this was an awesome hub.

I'm getting hitched in a month (30 days! wohoo!), and I would die if my future wife showed up in a dress like that! But then again, I wouldn't mind as much if it was just the two of us! :) In public though... no.