Kenneth Avery is a Southern humorist with well over a thousand fans. The charm and wit in his writing span a nearly a decade.
Folks, Please . . .
Let me warn you. This is going to be a tough hub to write. If the headline doesn't give you a tip, then I may just have to tell you. No. That might be a bit rude. In fact, my hands are shaking. Throughout my life each time a pretty girl walked by and smiled, I became a mound of strawberry gelatin. I mean this. Honestly, I do not dislike gelatin, but I cannot keep myself composed long enough to talk sensible to the pretty girl.
Please allow me to put this piece into focus. This is not a gloat or bragging moment. But over my time on earth, I have seen several gorgeous girls in real life and on TV. I get the same reactions to when I am blessed to see each one of them. I cannot help it. It's just, what they say, how I was wired. And every honest, red-blooded male who are reading this piece will agree because admiring gorgeous girls is more than a football game. More than chowing-down on hot wings and burritos. I just wish that I had the writing gifts of Edgar Allan Poe, Robert Frost, and of course, Dr. Hunter S. Thompson. Then I might pull this off.
It's one thing to smile to a beautiful girl. And another thing to get completely smashed to the ground by the same girl. Why? I do not know why. It had to be God who made each gorgeous girl to give me the same reaction. Not that I'm complaining. Just wish that I could sit still and talk to each beautiful girl for half-an-hour. That is not askng for much.
Hold Everything . . .
I want to list a few situations involving pretty girls and how I am affected by them. These girls are all strangers and I have never met any of these in the photos on this hub.
1.) If a pretty girl brushes by me in the check-out line . . .my heart beats twice as hard. And when I get a whiff of her expensive perfume, I almost faint.
2.) If a gorgeous lady, maybe middle-aged, but oh so pretty, smiles at me as I walk into my favorite restaurant . . . I catch myself on the wall next to the door and I make sure that she doesn't see me making a fool of myself.
3.) Pretty girls always walk together in malls and when they walk by me and just look at my direction, not necessarily right at me . . .my eyes and face burn with excitement and embarrassment.
4.) I can tell you from a decent way off that if I see a pretty girl having lunch in my favorite restaurant, my mind goes blank and I forget what table I am going to.
5.) And the same pretty girl (above) is eating in my favorite restaurant and I see her eating my all-time favorite dish: hot wings, I know that I cannot eat hot wings whena girl is so pretty, prim, and proper. In short, I get very nervous and look outside the window a long time to think of something besides this pretty girl.
6.) I know that this sounds old-fashioned, but if I am walking on a sidewalk and this gorgeous woman "accidentally" drops her hanky (and you know why), I just keep on trucking and let her pick her own hanky up.
7.) All three of these girls are very beautiful. And there is no way that I would help them take their packages from a store where they shopped. I know that I would stutter and drop their packages then get an angry look from the woman.
8.) Back to malls, if I am walking toward the benches to sit and rest and this super-pretty girl sits and sits near me, I know right off that she is a lawyer. I ask her if I am right. I am. She grins and I know that she is too pretty to take out on a date. I might black-out and she would have to call the EMT's.
9.) Now if that same pretty girl gets up to go somewhere else and she accidentally bumps my foot, she instantly apologizes and asks if I am okay, and by now, the sweat is puddling in my hair and I stutter my reply.
10.) Back to these three gorgeous girls on my hub, I can tell you that there is no way that I would ever have the courage to just ask their name because I know that I will mispronounce her name and she will scowl at me and I will crawl home.
Stop And Listen . . .
Things are certain ways in life. I'm learning that each week. If I cannot challenge it, I don't. Like these girls on my hub and those like them have and will always cause me a lot of nervous tension, so I just avoid them.
That works so far.
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© 2021 Kenneth Avery
Gypsy Rose Lee from Daytona Beach, Florida on September 11, 2021:
Enjoyed this. You know I can tell you that to be a gorgeous girl it takes a lot so that you find the right balance and not feel you are above all the est and turn snobbish. Personally I prefer to be plain and ordinary that takes a lot less work,