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How to Love Yourself In Lingerie (Stop Feeling Guilty Because You Wear Panties)

With thanks to C J ...

With thanks to C J ...

Steve Wears A Dress

A book by Hope Alexander for men who wear women's clothing and the women who love them.

This lighthearted, non threatening guide to men wearing women's clothing is designed to tickle the fancy of men who wear women's clothing and to provide a resource for the special people in their lives who may not entirely understand the phenomenon.

17 action packed pages along with charming illustrations guaranteed to soften even the most granite of exteriors.

Men who don't wear lingerie and women who have never really thought about men who wear lingerie often don't appreciate the difficulties associated with being a man who wears lingerie. If you spend any amount of time speaking with men who wear lingerie however, it soon becomes apparent that being a man who wears panties is a lot harder than it sounds.

Why is that? Well, for every little bit of bigoted resistance the man who wears lingerie experiences in his day to day life, a whole lot more can be heaped upon his head, not by those who know him, but by himself. Some men who wear lingerie constantly criticize themselves inwardly for wanting to wear lingerie. They feel that it is wrong, perhaps even immoral. Though they want to wear it, and indeed they do wear it, the pangs of guilt and self loathing are never very far away. The good news is that not all men who wear lingerie feel this way, and it is possible to move from feeling guilty and scared about your lingerie wearing habits to simply enjoying and accepting yourself in lingerie.)

In order to move from guilt to enjoyment, t may help to explore where some of our tendencies for self loathing come from, after all, being a modern human is a difficult enough experience without adding the fact that you have an irrepressible desire to break social norms. Most of us have been brought up in a world where success and achievement (socially and fiscally) are the only things that matter. It's no longer enough to be a baker because your father was a baker, to have a few friends, to live a simple life and enjoy it. Nowadays you have to be the best baker in the land and be famous, have your own bakery show on TV. You must be loved by all, you must be popular. If you don't have a gazillion friends, well, then you're probably a loser nut job. We've been fed the line that anyone can achieve anything, along with the unspoken corollary that if you don't achieve something noteworthy in your life, well, then you're more than a little bit of a waste of DNA.

99% of the messages we soak up and believe as inward truths are, not to put too fine a point on it, bullshit. They've created a society obsessed with beauty, (to the point where women have their bodies hacked open and synthetics stuffed inside) and celebrity (hundreds of thousands of people line up to try to be the next American Idol, because if you're not famous, you don't matter.)

This may not seem immediately relevant to men who wear lingerie, but I tell you it is, it is relevant because these same drives which have poisoned our psyches are drives which compel us to conform in various ways. As a group, as a society, we have said that youth, beauty and status are things that matter, for many they are all that matter. Anything which contravenes these ideals is regarded as being negative. So there you are, a man finding his place in the world, feeling pressure to succeed, to find a beautiful wife, to find love, to perhaps even be famous, and yet you have these panty desires. These desires which represent everything that the world says you shouldn't be.

The reasons why men wear panties are as varied as the men that wear them, but one thing remains constant across all men who wear lingerie. One day, you will die. Cheerful, I know, but again, I have a point here. When you die, you will do so alone. Even if you're unlucky enough to be surrounded by other people all dying at the same time, your experience will be an individual one. And at that point, do you really think you will look back on your life and say “At least I conformed to society's expectations of me.” Of course you won't. You'll remember and rejoice in every moment you truly lived. You'll wish you had been less afraid to experience all the world had to offer, you'll wish you'd spent less time chasing 'the dream' force fed to you in every sponsored cartoon and action movie you've ever seen, and more time in the reality.

Those who live their lives their way have far less fear of death than those who treat life as if it is some kind of game that can be won. Happiness is where you find it, and if stockings, a brassiere and a lacy pair of panties make you happy, then do not deny yourself that pleasure. Whatever you do, do not allow yourself to be controlled by a set of rules dreamed up by evil marketing gurus to sell you more toothpaste.


peter on April 16, 2020:

thanks hope for this hub site

The story titled steve wears a dress is so fulfilling

i shared it with my wife who now understands why men wear lingerie

HappyPanty on September 02, 2019:

Hi Hope, I love your articles. I am a panty wearing man. I love minimal styles like string bikinis. I also get a full Brazilian wax, and arm pit wax, every 4 to 5 weeks. I absolutely adore the way panties look on me, I love the way that panties feel on my body, and I enjoy the feminine feeling that comes upon me when I am in panties, and beautifully waxed. I do have feelings of guilt from time to time because I am a man who wears panties. I also find that if I wear panties every single day, and on every occasion, that I tend to become more comfortable with the fact that I am a panty wearing man. Anyways, your articles does help me feel a bit better about being a panty gurl. I’m pretty sure that people would characterize me as masculine, but I feel so happy when I can embrace being a panty gurl. You are very kind Hope, thank you for your articles. I also have to give a special thank you to my female aesthetician who helps me accept being a panty gurl... no judgment, just kindness.

Roberta A Wing on May 12, 2018:

I love dressing as Roberta I love to wear panties and bras and Babydolls with shear stockings and heels

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Billy on January 22, 2010:

Hey Hope, it is a great article as always. I am married and love to wear Hi-cut/French-cut style panties. My wife is very opposed to this and very argumentative about it. So, in that, I don’t wear them, but will at times put them on while here at the house secretly. It is a strong desire, but I love her more than that desire and keep things secret.

Dick on December 23, 2009:

I am almost 80 years old and have been wearing lingerie for more than 50 years. I love lace trimmed panties, slips, camisoles, pant liners, and nighties. My wife of 57 years has always liked me in my lingerie and has on occasion gone shopping with me to buy new. I wear panty briefs with lacey camisoles and short nighties in the summer and pantaloon style panties with full lacey slips and pant liners in the winter along with long nighties. Until recently I have been unable to get any pantaloon style panties in anything but black or white, but I went to Panties For Men on the net and asked Donna if she could make me a pair of pink and a pair of blue pantaloon style panties and I have just received them. I can't wait to wear them. I also asked her if her would consider making some with lace trim in pastel colors and I await her reply. I recommend that any man who loves wearing panties visit the PFM website. I will let everyone know what she tells me. I also have some very pretty briefs in pastels from PFM for summer. I only wish that allof us who love lingerie could show some lace in public without having people look as if we were strange or weird. Why is it that women can wear any mens clothing and noone thiks a thing about it. Remember there was a time when men wore lace and frills and it was thought to be high fashion. We need to get back to those days.I think if people have a problem with men wearing lingerie that is their problem and they should deal with it, and keep their opinions to themselves. Recently, I have started to go out for the morning paper in my nightie and more than once when driving have removed my shirt and exposed my lacy camisole. Most drivers did a double take when thy saw me, but since they didn't know me from Adams housecat so what. Also in my 25 years of competitve swimming with the U.S. Masters, I always woremy lingerie when I went to the pool. I learned how to remove my clothes and put them back on without anyone being the wiser. I was only caught once and that was at practice when I believed the locker room was empty, and one of my friends walked in as I was putting on my pants. He asked me about them, and I told him that my wife had not done any laundry and so I had worn hers. Nothing else was ever heard about it. I have on occasion shown a little lace over the top of my shirt, but ( think people see what they expect to see and no one pays attention. Again if anyone does have a problem with it that is their problem and they have to deal with it. I think that a great many men would find they like wearing lingerie if they tried it, and in fact I have seen more than one post on the Topix forum under men who wear nighties of men who after reading about it on the web and found they really did like the feel on their skin.

Niqqi on November 04, 2009:

It seems what may bother most folks is if they feel like they have some horrible secret that they can't share with someone else, especially if that someone else is one who should be closer than anyone else, such as the wife. The burden of keeping things hid justs gets heavier.

I truly feel blessed and lucky to be able to wear silkies like slips and panties every night to bed and be loved on and cuddled by my wife, and having the peace that comes from knowing I am being completely open and truthful with her. Coming to bed like this every night is still a recent thing, but I doubt the day will ever come where I don't appreciate waking up in one of my slips and panties because she has brought me my morning coffee to drink in bed.

TIMWILLIAMS on October 30, 2009:

Hi Crossingover: Your post is interesting talking about you visiting a store and trying womens clothing and asking the sales person if you could try womens clothing . Glad you liked that. Did you ask for a bra fitting? I wear panties all the time but want to do a bra fitting. What store did you go to? Was it a national chain? Let me know. Good day.

crossingover on October 27, 2009:

just went to the store for the first time to try on womens clothing. I found it nerve racking yet exciting to ask the salesperson if I could try on clothes. It was fantastic. The clothing was wild silk,satin,denim skits to silk dresses

silklover on October 25, 2009:

When i die i hope it is in my favorite pair of panties. They won't make it heaven with me. But it will leave my wife happy knowing that panties has made a difference in our lives.

Hope Alexander (author) on October 18, 2009:

Lovely comment Julliette - Jullianne :)

Julliette - Jullianne on October 18, 2009:

Be ever so kind to yourself, be ever so gentle, be ever so understanding, as you are perfect as you are; sheer pantyhose, wrinkles, body hair, beauty spots and all, no apologies or excuses. It is the same for our partners, our children, our parents, ancesters long gone and countless passers by.

Living moment by moment, according to our own deepest qualities of mind, those fantasies and fascinations so dear and so hidden, appearing from seeds of our past wants, aversions and desires, unknown from a time long gone, arising in our present moment like picture frames on a movie screen, one frame following ever so quickly after another and then another.

So how can we be anything else than what appears in our mindstream in marvelous life filled each moment, and so similarly how can we expect another person to be anything other than who they are at any moment in time.

Go quietly amid the haste...of our own making.

The picture is taken, it appears, its made, we see it in a flash, it dissapears, then another and another, and so our world with its myriad smells, sounds, colours and sensations, is seen like a motion picture, so must faster than 32 frames per second, and voila, motion pictures of me and you. We are so alike.

But in those moments come opportunities to make our future, brighter, happier, calmer, kinder.

So this is life. Changing changing moment by tiny moment.

In our innermost thoughts, speaking quietly in whispers to ourselves of the things that make us feel so special, whatever it may be or however it may feel, smile in side, be gentle with those thoughts, and have not an expectation or ownership of what might appear in front of you, for what comes is after all a random whisper arising then falling away, it was you from countless moments before. How long ago it matters not.

To know where you have come from look at where and who you are now; to know where you are going and who you will be, look at who and where you are now.

See in others reactions, in fleeting expressions and the unspojen words, responses as in mirror of who we have been, whether angry, confused, happy or sad, if it is different to what we would like or expect or hope for, gently, purposefully and kindly think, smile, act quietly and laying good causes for a sweeter, kinder, more patient and forgiving you, whom you will assuredly meet on the path in the future.

What was it Desiderada spoke of, what words did Ghandi speak, what was did Gotama heard to say.

It is you who you will meet in the future.

Dont worry, nor vacillate, live gently and mindfully with each in breath and each out breath, at the beginning and end of each day that is all there is, everything else simply fades away.

Come home to your heart.

fred on October 14, 2009:

Thank you all so much for thoughts such as above. I love wearing panties. It is something I shared with my wife when we were first dating and has gone on less and less until now it is unspoken and has been for a long time now. I would love to be able to share this with her....maybee I can bring up the subject again.

Julliette - Jullianne on October 06, 2009:

Submitted a second time - after a spelling and grammer check. Hope its ok to share..JJ

How refreshingly delightful your collection of thoughts on a topic so dear to me.

What is it that touches me so deeply - these things that are so clearly designed for another?

So much enjoyment to be had, such delight on seeing the colour and shades of sheer panty hose, which ones will I wear, smoothly covering my legs, the feel of deliciously lacy knickers, delicately feminine scarves of fine silk in soft mauves and pinks around my neck while I work at my desk on business things, feeling masculine, and just out of sight, prompted to delight in the material signs of femininity simultaneously.

How wonderfully freeing it is that I, a male can be so elegantly-secretly dressed in the exquisite touch of something so skin close, comfortable and personal, those delicate pieces of clothing sold in boutiques and fine department stores the world over, made with such refinement from designs created over decades that tenderly grace and care for the skin of women, why not too for the skin of men.

The designs of women's underwear, so tenderly created lingerie through the hands of skillful craftswomen and craftsmen, of stylish and elegant flowing gowns so carefully stitched and embroidered, of photos and images of models so exquisitely made up, their hair of luster, of geishas and kimonos, of Chanel, Dior and Vogue, of silks and satins, artistry gliding above the noise of grinding commonplace culture, and those from there who would mock.

We run with our views and opinions so grandly, but all the while fleeing from the mirror that is our own unfulfilled desire for what is so beautiful, for purity, for clarity, for honesty, and in so doing exhibit our own limited taste of what is truly divine, succumbing again and again to our fragile and under-developed sense of style.

It is a delight too, to see young women and gentile ladies laughing with such fun as they pull out this one and that one to try on and share. Joyful smiles dancing on the threads of fashionable stitches and colourful nuances of peony flowers and cherry blossoms in print.

To choose lightly of little pleasures that are in essence about simplicity and innocent delight.

To not pander to ones own habit to belong this group or that group, I'm not this and I'm not that, this category or another, to be truly unique - for how else can one really be, an individual with a fresh and harmless taste for nice things. It’s Ok for me.

Designed for women, things I love to wear, but it is true it need only be under what I wear that is designed form as a man - for knowing how the world is, why ought I bring derision on myself, and cause others to heedlessly go to slander and gossip. There is already too much of that in the world. No need for more. I am so male and I'm happy about that, with a love for and of women’s clothes and I love being so.

May the secret become no more, may ones personal prohibitions turn to feathers on a breeze, may you enjoy without guilt or angst the pleasure even if it be a momentary illusion and say ok, for this is who I am and I am so happy this way.

But make not a noise to ones self, do not complain - be happy, this is who I am. Keep it not a secret to oneself.

Do what you do with a sense of joy on top, with the wish to be true and harmless to oneself and all others.

And when I do, when we do, it does not harm our masculinity, or our femininity, moreover it brings us a touch closer, even if just a prompt through material proximity to who we are deep inside. It softens our armour, rounds off our outer crust created in the sand pits when we played with trucks.

May it be our way, one way, a method, a means to balance what is out of balance.

May our anxieties fall away, our uncertainties simply vanish, our fears and apprehensions are simply moments, they have no permanency, invest in them not a moments seriousness or concern.

So much to talk about, to share about, I hope you enjoy this story about, what it means to me. Am I just a little like you. Are we alike?

May we be well, happy and harmless.

PurpleLot on September 05, 2009:

Just recently I decided to get over my fears and replace all the boxer shorts in for Satin Hipsters and Bikini's, Yes I was scared to death the times I wore Panties at work and elsewhere outside, eventually it turned from fear and guilt to aboslute Pleasure and Bravery for the things I like to wear, it is quite a relief actually because I was so sick and tired of hiding it all the time, now I just admit when I am buying Women's clothing that they are for me.

Talha Rehman from Lucknow India on August 28, 2009:

Thought provoking!

Love yourself the way you are!

Though I am not a man who wears panties, I don't mind men wearing them and I loved the hub.

Dodi-blue on August 26, 2009:

Hi There :)

Hope your kinda on the same thoughts i've always been. We're only this age once so live it up, but I do have to say. You gotta have balls to wear panties. I struggle, and if the girl of my dreams found out and didn't except the taboo. That would really hurt. My first wife never knew, I didn't wear them much. My second only liked me in mens super sexies, and when I wore those to work one day, she had a fit. Althou she would compliment me that I had the body of a model and I looked great.

Now single again, "tisk tisk" I still want to look like a model in the bedroom for the most beautiful girl in the world, but taboo gets in the way and its hard to break the little secret I carry, to anyone. I do realize that you really can't just like life. You have to love life, and you can't just like your panties. They're both precious, I love my life and I love my panties... ;)

bwhcpty on August 24, 2009:

Thanks Hope, even though I do not equate death and panties to the same, I do understand what you are saying. Panty ON!!!!!!!

codyjo from New Mexico. on August 19, 2009:

Mellissa. Accept yourself. Now. The End.

Mellissa on August 08, 2009:

I have been fighting with myself since my teens over my cross dressing . Iam just about to loose my best friend of 10 years. I know she is drifting away. I drink and gamble to escape . Need i say any more. Time is running out .I have got to accept myself . I have ended up in hospital on several occassions with knife wounds. As you are all saying i have to accept myself. How?. Not to worry away to shave my legs and slip into my lovely new full length silk nigh gown


Wren on August 07, 2009:

Hope -

Very well put!

I have been at ease with my panty wearing ever since I started several years ago. I have had girlfriends come and go because of it, the bottom line, you have to be comfortable with yourself or in your own skin.

Glad to see you can still make all of us think!

Hope Alexander (author) on August 07, 2009:

You're welcome Cody Jo, let us all stand before the cesspool of the interwebs and mop it up with the super absorbency of the truth! :)

codyjo from New Mexico. on August 07, 2009:

Hope Alexander. Reading your articles has allowed me to come to terms with it the way I have and to feel the way I feel. Your words defend the dignity of what this passion is for me, and not the perversity that most want to simplify it as. I'm grateful I found you - if I hadn't I may have never found the peace i now have with my nature and panties. your advocacy bolsters my strength and confidence. I can walk a little taller, my spine a little more erect, my underpinnings a touch more frilled. the interwebs can be dark and twisted and showcase mostly the worst of all things ~ because not only is it a well of knowledge but it's a cesspool of filth and misinformation ~ but you, Hope Alexander, are an agent of truth, an angel of light, and the patron saint of petticoats & panties. Thaanks for being here.

Hope Alexander (author) on August 05, 2009:

Steve, I cannot approve comments accompanied by crotch shots.. sorry, but those are the rules.

Cyndie_D on August 05, 2009:

Not as deep or as thoughtful as Cody Jo, but I think it applies.

I quote an unknown writer:

Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!

And I will add that you should be wearing lots of satin and lace.

Thanks for such thought provoking articles

Hope Alexander (author) on August 05, 2009:

Cody Jo, you win at commenting.

codyjo from New Mexico. on August 04, 2009:

"When you die, you will do so alone."

i believe that to the very core of the idea.

if i am to die alone then i will live my life accordingly, on my terms, and by my definitions. people will make judgments, that's they're way of coping with lifestyles that aren't congruent to theirs, of belittling ideas that are too big for them to grasp. if they don't understand something they fear it, and just like the scared monkies they are, they're going to try to be as loud and as mean as they can be to chase of the lions, the darkness, and the reaper. i don't fear the moment of my death. i don't fear the unknown. i don't fear myself. and so it goes without saying, tho i'll say it, i don't fear life. there are things worse than death and one of those is already being dead when death finds you. dead from having your life sucked away from you, shaped for you, given back to you like a tailored coat that's too tight, so restricting you can hardly move or take a breath. a tailored straight jacket, really, so you don't hurt yourself, or anyone else, or knock down what society is trying to build. "now go sit in the corner, shut up, and be happy with what we give you." no. no. no. none more for me.

i'll be happy being myself, thank you very much.

the lace, really, is just pretty decoration.

I will wear lace:

as long as it's practical. 

as long as it's not in the way of learning something new. or accepting something better.

or becoming a better version of myself.

as long as it's not ... too heavy a burden. as long as i can laugh at myself.

at least as long as i can laugh at myself.

the intricate structural patterns of lace are a "reflection" of an otherwise "unseen" side of me. lace or not, that side exists.

and i can be friends with it.

with her. 

because her is me. 

but not just her. him too. my masculinity. my definition of it - not societies.

i don’t measure strength in “what i can lift.” strength is the ability to be totally responsible for oneself. to be responsible for others when they can’t be for themselves. to feel emotions so complex you tremble at them. to stare chaos in the face but remain at peace. THAT is strength.

i am a strong human being, for myself, and for others.

i'm a boy and a girl, an androgynous entity. 

androgynous because the entity of i is infinite in its natures. i am infinite.

infinite in my natures. 

an infinite idea of a dream. 

a dream, a beautiful dream.

a dream of a boy in lace and bows.


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