Kenneth Avery is a Southern humorist with well over a thousand fans. The charm and wit in his writing span a nearly a decade.
Although the text in this hub might be understood as edgy or semi-controversial, but it is not. But just thinking about a guy wearing underwear (shorts) with blinking lights just kills me. Thanks, Kenneth
This May Appear Outrageous
but take my word, it's on the way. Just like those historic times of Henry Ford's Model T, and Orville and Wilbur Wright's first airplane flight in Kitty Hawk, N.C. Ahhh, what a time to be living in America. I'm so happy that I could chug a gallon of home-made lemonade, since the Fourth of July is nearing.
The mere thought of the invention of Electric Briefs is seen as schools being given an all-day holiday; Flags will be lowered at half-mast; Government offices will be closed; and all ground chuck's price will be lowered to $1.35 a pound. Why all of these monumental changes? Celebration, man! Americans love to celebrate most anyone or anything that means a day-off or the excuse to break-out the charcoal, fire-up the grill and celebrate this "new" holiday with great grub with family and neighbors.
Electric Briefs Day is now inching-toward the rivalry of the old stadard, the Fourth of July. Can you believe this time would ever come? I didn't. I had just got use to not having to head to work on Flag Day. But then again, I have never laid claim to be the best-looking car on the lot.
What Inspired The Invention of Electric Briefs:
simple. "Jacob Loom," of St. Paul, Minn., a hard-working man holding-down a tough job in a local steel mill for 14-years--sweating, his back aching, and going home exhausted, gave him the urgency for Electric Briefs? Oh, you may laugh to yourself, but "Loom" knew briefs like he did the bottom of his back. He did a lot of "burning the midnight oil" on the study of men's briefs--their origin, uses, and how they could be made better for all mankind. "Loom" was not a selfish man.
He experimented his neat invention for about three years until he could secure a patent to keep other would-be briefs inventors from taking his invention and cheating him out of it, so he was in the Washington, D.C., Patent Office every morning for two weeks until he met with the director of the Patent Office, and to make a long story "brief," "Loom" was in business. In fact, he was so happy that he didn't report for work on that evening shift where he had worked for 14 years. He knew that greatness was on his door-step.
Then the day came when "Loom" had hit on the perfect pair of Electric Briefs. His design was simplistic, but ingenious. There were many who said (after his Electric Briefs had hit the market) that it was a wonder that (they) had not invented them earlier. No, I will not resort to using the old adage, about "the early bird getting the worm," because this piece is far from a bird of any name and the same can be said about (a) worm being caught from the same bird.
Let's Stop And Study What Advantages Come With Electric Briefs:
1.) The number one advantage is during the bitterly-cold winter months, a person wearing Electric Briefs will enjoy the warmth while they work outside or taking that morning jog. Electric Briefs will take care of those excuses of not feeling like working due to it being too cold or blaming cold weather for not taking that needed exercise.
2.) Electric Briefs is oh so simple in their design. "Jacob Loom" had his briefs lined with several yards of electric wires that are safely-tucked away to the two strong batteries held in a neat pocket in the back. And when it comes time to recharge the batteries, (which is a very long time), all you need to do is remove the easy-to-find batteries, stick them into their battery charger (which is free to the customer) and charge the two batteries for two hours, and you are ready to go.
3.) Electric Briefs can also be worn to attend church or social events without anyone detecting this space-age underwear. You can laugh, sing, even talk to your friends and never worry about the embarrassment from others asking, "say, what's that sticking-out at the base of your spine?" Electric Briefs will do away with such foolishness.
Let's Stop And Study What Disadvantages Come With Electric Briefs:
1.) Burns, even fire, can be started if the wires in the Electric Briefs are not checked monthly and if wires of frayed, they need replacing instantly.
2.) If the wires do not cause burns made by frayed wires, the possibility of Electric Briefs causing billows of thick smoke to be emitted behind the back of the wearer. This is probably "the" most-serious embarrassment that one can suffer in any situation. Like the batteries being checked and recharged, the wires need to be inspected by a master electrician, and that way, you will not have to worry about sending smoke signals out to those around you.being
3.) Be very careful on those cold winter days when it is also raining, because you might be electrocuted from your Electric Briefs becoming wet. Once you discover that the weather report says rain, do not wear your Electric Briefs, but roll them up and stick them into your coat or briefcase. In-genius.
4.) The final disadvantage of wearing Electric Briefs, is that if you are a social person, get ready for those "social stumbling blocks," that can destroy your confident image as a man about town. You are going on a (on this cold winter day) with this gorgeous secretary and the moment that you two enter your favorite restaurant, you do not know it, but there is this annoying hum that most electronics make--the longer you sit and louder the noise makes. Then, a fellow diner yells, "Hey, buddy! Why are your pants making this awful sound?" Then there it is. You hurriedly take-off your pants and Electric Briefs leaving you nude and embarassed. The entire restaurant and goregous secretary are all in tears due to their gales of laughter. Then the restaurant manager stops laughing long enough for you and your date to leave.
5.) If any of these points do not convince you of the "pro's" and "con's" of having Electronic Briefs in your drawers at home, then this one will open your eyes for good. You are invited to a big party. Your date is so pretty that you hurt. But when the party is in full-swing, the wiring of your Electric Briefs short-out and the danger lights inside the wiring begin to blink like a light show for ELO. But you are not aware of this action. Now you are wondering why the entire crowd at the party (including your pretty date) are on their knees, heaving for breath for laughing at your blinking back end. Talk about embarrassing.
Okay. Let's Take Our Bearing . . .
Now. Do you or do you not want to purchase Electric Briefs? Well, you have to ask yourself what would "Jacob Loom" do.
May 27, 2021___________________________________________
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© 2021 Kenneth Avery
BRENDA ARLEDGE from Washington Court House on June 01, 2021:
I think that jug of homade lemonade has you hallucinating.
Mens underwear with batteries...lol!
I could see maybe a pair that light up if it's Christmas time to surprise Mrs Santa, but no..no not these.
But you made me laugh before falling asleep, so maybe I'll drift right off.