Ok guys we are back it is finally fantasy season and that mean its time for your favorite part of the drafting process. The Predictions!!! Where I tell you how good my team is, how shitty your team is, and mix in a few personal attacks on your looks or character. What more could you want? Just remember, for 11 of the predictions you get to sit back and laugh, its just the one you have to worry about. So without further ado, here we go….
- Fantasy GM- John- Nothing shocking here. I had a great draft, snagging value at just about every pick. I want alphas on my team. Guys that get touches and targets, and hopefully sneak into the end zone the way I sneak into dm’s. Tell me how your going to step Dalvin, Ridley, AJ brown, swift, Diantae, and Hoskenson every week. Oh and if I don’t feel like playing them I’ll just slide in the #1 wide receivers in Denver, San Fran, Indy, and maybe Jax. And you think I’m dumb for picking Darnold. Well gather close kids and listen up. They play the jets, saints, Texans, cowboys, eagles, Vikings and giants their first 7 games. Is that some defenses I can interest you in? Oh and their offense is now fully loaded with CMC back and Terrace Marshall who is wowing everyone in camp. And then here is the fun part. When Andy Dalton dies, aka the Red Funeral, Justin Fields is going to take over and lead us to the promised land. Did you see him in the preseason? Hahahaha my bad wrong league, you guys don’t watch preseason. He ran all over the place and threw all over the place and could be the next Kyler or Lamar. I’ll see you boys in the playoffs.
- Hill gone- Trevor- Trevor’s draft looked better than his face did on Sunday I’ll tell you that. There are few people in the world that can be that hung over, look like that dead, then drink 10 beers in an hour and feel great. Mixing in a few heaters to keep our league average of draft day cigarettes smoked where we want it. If I picked value with my picks, so did Trevor. His top 7 picks are as good as any in the league. Adding Rondale Moore, who most of you don’t know who he is, Jakobi Meyers and Calloway, he just needs one of them to hit to be even more dangerous. This team if healthy will be there at the end.
- Josh Rosens Hot Tub- Daryl- I learned a lot about Daryl this year. I learned he spells his name with one R and one L. Good stuff. It was really really close between him and Joey. Kamara, Adams is a lethal combo. I don’t love Carson but he should get the work, and I don’t love anyone on Tampa because they have so many mouths to feed I feel it will hard to be consistent. His team is solid, his bench is solid and his team is going to be really good.
- Pizza Face- Joey- I think Joey wins the prize for most idiotic competition strategy pre-draft. Joey had five drinks and a shot before we started drinking the beers. Makes absolutely no sense. What a shocker he puked all over the grass. He probably thought he was in bed at home where he is used to just rolling onto his side and puking into the bucket that must be next to his bed. Or attached to his belt loop all day every day just in case. You rarely see a person who is completely sunburned from the day before, still be so drunk to pass out laying in the sun, when the sun hurts doubly bad when your burned. That is a high level of numbness to be able lay there not moving until we called his name for his pick. It was really close between Joey and Daryl for third spot and I went with Daryl for a couple reasons. 1. And most importantly, Joey had Derrick Henry last year, and even though he won the league, he swore he would never take Henry again. And he did it like the fucking sell out he is. 2. Because he had a great first 4 picks, then what does Joey do? He bends the knee to John Elway and Peyton Manning and takes back to back broncos with Javonte and Sutton. They were both reaches and weakened his starting lineup just enough that I have to go with Daryl instead.
- Rich- 6times- Rich- I can’t say anything bad about Rich because he was nice enough to host and let us use his 103 degree back yard. And he is right for not letting us in the air conditioned house that had no one in it. He was busy using the air conditioning to cool down the pizza he was nice enough to buy for us. Stop complaining guys, the cold pizza was supposed to help cool us down on a hot day. At the draft I said Rich looked like a European soccer coach, but oh was I wrong. I watched a movie called The Vault the other day, and wow does he look like Liam Cunningham. Pictured above. Granted Cunningham is 60 and Rich is some age less than that I think, but still they could be twins. On first glance, Rich’s team looks loaded, but after a deeper look I think he will really struggle at running back. His first running back is James Robinson who is fine, but then its Michel, Drake, Hyde, and Ollison, whooooo I think might have just gotten cut. But when you get down to 5th place and below in this league, almost all those guys are gonna have someone on their team who got cut. It’s the way they work.
- Lambda Lambda Lambda- Pete- We must give all credit to the beer wolf for drinking 12 beers in one hour. Its very impressive and when he got off to that hot start there was no slowing him down. Pete took CMC with the first pick and in a lot of ways Pete is like CMC. If there was a fantasy league of who would leave first at every event, Pete would be the Christian McCaffery of that league. Year in year out, at the #1 overall seed. Before we get to Pete’s team, Pete, we all know you didn’t have people over for dinner that day. We all know. So Pete’s only problem is that he drafted everyone on his team one round too early. Well except Chase Edmonds who he drafted 3 rounds too early. But really, if he took round 4 and added someone like Lamar or Diantae and pushed all of his picks back one round, I would be raving about his team and he would have that one more stud he would need to be at the top of the league.
- Holy Moly Spicoli- Dave- This is big step up for Dave who I usually predict about 9th or 10th. Congrats Dave. Dave was super fun at the draft as he refused to drink when he made a mistake. The punishment for not paying attention and making duplicate picks is a shot. So because of that people bring papers to mark off who is picked. It also keeps the draft moving because you don’t want the shot. But not Dave, ooooooh no. Dave not only refuses to bring paper to mark off the picks, he also refuses to take the shot after he continues to pick people who were already picked. Thumbs up buddy. Look with Dave’s team he could be top 4 he could be really bad. He is good everywhere but WR where he picked a lot of young guys who could be good or bad. Ja’marr Chase has gotten nothing but bad reviews, DeVonte smith sounds like a stud but may not have the qb to get him the ball. Same with Jalen waddle. I don’t hate the strategy of picking high upside guys who we don’t know about yet, but those should be picked after the solid guys are gone.
- Seal Beach Grill- Brandon- I was also very impressed with Brandon’s beer drinking as he came from behind and passed me up and took the third place finish. The guy is a pro. And big props to his wife for putting up with him being in 4-5 drafts every year and donating all that money to those of us who need it more. Speaking of donating, maybe that where all that money from the Bubby Classic goes, the scam of a lifetime hosting a golf tournament to pay all your fantasy football entry fees. But Brandon drank his way to the second pick and then took Saquon. If you wanted Saquon just drink 5 beers and get him with the 8th pick. I really like Brandon’s first 5 picks. And from there the picks aren’t bad they are just early like his boy Petey. I don’t know if he can start Michael Carter in week one as his second back and that’s where he was picked. Dj Chark almost got cut he should have been picked 2-3 rounds later. The rest of his guys are all second and third string options and I just think its too much to overcome. This team will need a lot of injuries from players in front of his guys so they can step into bigger roles.
- Fat Cats- Kyle- I think Kyle, aka fat Cameron Smith, (also pictured above) has finally gotten a team that won’t finish last. I mean close to last but not last. I know Kyle was disappointed it was a beer drinking contest and not a whiskey drinking contest, but we couldn’t do that or Joey and Trevor would have died. I pretty much hate Kyles team after the first two picks. I guess I like Kareem Hunt and Robby Anderson too, but after that I just think the team isn’t very good. What he really needs is Tua and Antonio Brown to have monster years and I just don’t think that’s in the cards.
- Mai Lou Sassle- Ralph- There are few people who had a worse draft than Ralph. The two dolts who I haven’t mentioned yet, and his dad. In our other league, his dad took Raheem Mostert in first round. It’s a terrible pick but he is a solider for the niners so I kind of respect it. I don’t have too many problems with the top of his draft, but I think Russell Wilson was picked way too high, I believe he was taken before Lamar and Kyler. But then it breaks down starting at round 8. Michael Thomas is out til at least week 7, and when he comes back will he be fully healthy? I kind of doubt it. Irv smith is out for the year, and Gio is a third stringer, backing up another player on his own team, who isn’t even the starter. This team needs some amazing health to stay in contention because while the starters are solid, the bench needs a lot of work.
- The Real Fat Cats- Jason- Settle in folks, we are gonna be here for a while. I am soooooooo happy I kept Jason in the league even though no one, I mean no one, wanted him back in. We worked this entire draft around his schedule of being in town. Everyone else was away from their wives and kids and were in the doghouse all weekend (except Nick obviously this was a regular weekend) just so we could make it work for Jason. And how does Jason repay us? He shows up late and doesn’t drink. I mean what a guy. He came up with the bullshit-iest of all bullshit excuses that he had to drive. Drink from 1:30-2:30, then a flight at “6” although my guess is 6:15 or 6:45 or something. Get on the plane, put on the C-Pap mask, pass out, take the hour flight home and then get in a car at what around 8 and have to drive. I mean its 6 hours later dude. Thing is that no one wants him in the league, I mean no one, but I keep bringing him back because he is so bad and is so cocky thinking he is good that its just so fun to watch the ship sink. I mean his first two picks are time share guys, Evans is fine but not great, Odell is fine, Ju-Ju is awful, and from then on his players are back ups. Oh and don’t tell him buy T.Y. is probably out for the year. This team is a mess.
- Nick’s emoji emoji emoji – Nick- I feel like I repeat myself every year. Like when I talk about Rich smoking cigarettes or Joey and Dave taking homer picks, or Pete sandbagging his team, and I feel like it gets old an I’m sorry guys. But I will repeat myself again. Nick made the worst pick of all time. And then one round later, Nick made the worst pick of all time. Him doing it twice in one year does that mean he won’t do it next year to balance out? Or will he make 3 worst picks of all time like he is getting worse? I don’t know. I mean taking Austin Ekeler at 6 is horrific, but it can be argued for. But then taking Dak in the second round. A guy coming off a huge injury with a defense that can’t be as bad as last years, and passing on Josh Allen, Lamar, Kyler, to do it. It’s the worst pick of all time. And then how does Nick follow that bad boy up. He takes Tom Brady in the next round, that’s how. The 9th overall rated qb I think…maybe lower and he takes him in front of all of those guys, when he could have gotten him in the 8th or 9th round. And Nick’s response was “Dude he won the Super Bowl last year.” Yes he did Nick, yes he did. After that he picked everyone else too early, which is hard to do because everyone else get moved back when you take those qbs too early, but he found a way. I don’t think this team, as constructed, can win more than 2 weeks. Sorry buddy.
Well that’s all for this year. I can’t wait to see you all and see how butt hurt you are by these predictions. See you Sunday.