Slugger Ben Oglivie, With a Slight Change in Spelling, Would Hit Clean Up In This Lineup
For several weeks this winter, the New York Mets were reveling in good news. They acquired All-Star shortstop Francisco Lindor from the Cleveland Indians, as well as bringing over starter Carlos Carrasco in the same trade.
Before those two newcomers arrived, New York had signed highly coveted free agent catcher James McCann. Another star with the same initials joined the Mets shortly thereafter, when they landed a free agent deal with slugger Jose Martinez.
Reveling suddenly ceased in the Big Apple, however, when news leaked about their new General Manager, Jared Porter. Past behavior involving a female reporter came to light, an indiscretion occurring when Porter was an employee of the Chicago Cubs front office in 2016.
After meeting the woman and exchanging business cards, Porter began texting her about non-baseball matters. According to ESPN he invited her to join him in several different cities and, after she had ignored more than sixty messages, Porter sent her an inappropriate photo.
Once the knowledge of the unwanted text exchanges and photo came to light, team president Sandy Alderson announced that the Mets had decided to terminate Porter. The scandal almost guarantees that Porter will have a difficult time finding another front office position in baseball, much less as a general manager.
Should he somehow be given charge of a new team with players from all generations, here is what the roster might look like. They could even play their home games in an edifice in the town of Male, Oregon.
Right Fielder, Joe Nudie
This name is a slight alteration of the guy who helped Oakland build a dynasty in the first half of the Seventies.
Center Field, Sex-Toe Lezcano
Someone with a foot fetish might assume this alias, sounding eerily similar to a star player on the pennant-winning Milwaukee Brewers in 1982.
Left Field, Ben Ogle-vie
Reggie Jackson shared the home run crown with the teammate of Lezcano, when both slugged 41 in 1980.
First Base, Jim Bottomley
The Most Valuable Player in 1928 while playing with the Cardinals, Bottomly was at the top level of the sport for 16 years.
Second Base, Lee Racy
If you replace the first letter, you have the underrated infielder who spent time with the Pittsburgh Pirates and the Los Angeles Dodgers during the Seventies.
Shortstop, Ad-Vance Law
As the son of Big Leaguer Vernon, this White Sox regular probably knew the risk of making the kind of unwanted sexual advances like those texted by the recently ousted New York GM.
Third Base, Bobby Cox
Years before becoming the iconic manager of the Atlanta dynasty of the Nineties, Cox was a highly-touted hot corner prospect for the Yankees.
Catcher, Flirt Suzuki (or Flirt Casali)
Here we have the ideal platoon of flirts, Suzuki against the lefties and Casali against everyone else.
Pitcher, R. A. Dickey
Knuckleballs enabled this right hander to endure a lengthy career in the Majors, after which he wrote a best selling book.
Pitcher, Lewd Burdette
Without the last consonant, he lead the league in victories with 21 for the 1959 Milwaukee Braves.
Relief Pitcher, Ray Bare
Detroit, attempting to sustain the success that saw them capture the World Series at the end of the Sixties, relied quite a bit on this right hander during the following decade.