This is a 21 part fictionalized story about my beloved football team's quest for the mythical Super Bowl Three-peat.
Chapter 1 - Editors
Editors become editors in the first place because they can’t write. They just jack around with the stories that are written by people who CAN write in order to justify their squalid existence. It’s an eternal truth in sports journalism that an editor exists in large part to kick a writer where and when it hurts. In all my years, I’ve know very few editors who could take a so-so story and improve it with a pen, but they were absolute masters at messing up good ones.
Here’s how I want the phony little conniving, no-talent, preppie-wad butthole of an editor to die:
I lace his girly Starbucks coffee with Seconal and strap him down in such a way that his head is fastened to my desk and I thump him in such a cheery interval with my Tandy-100.
So I write a paragraph I admire, the kind he likes to mess around with, especially if it’s my lead, then I sling the laptop at him, and Whack! He gets it in the temple, sometimes the ear. Yeah it would be slow, but death by a 5-pound laptop is what the knucklehead deserves.
I was daydreaming. Sitting alone at a press booth in Busch Stadium, occasionally glancing down at an empty field. I had my Scotch and water, my Winstons, my travel cup of coffee on the side, my Sporting Magazine. Nice day. Sunny. Windbreaker weather. If you want the truth. I was doing three of my favorite things: smoking, drinking, not giving a damn.
Game Day Ends Early for the Cardinals, 42-21
by Fidel Andrada
September 8 - The Redskins football dominance and quest for their third straight Super Bowl Championship came on the third play of the day: wide receiver Art Monk ran his simple post pattern route like a ghost ship down the right sideline. He gave St. Louis cornerback Carl Allen a head fake right, cut inside, caught a semi-spiral pass from Joe Theismann at about the 10 and waltzed in for a 38-yard touchdown. The game was 61 seconds old, my cigarette was still unlit and only halfway sticking out of my pack of Winstons.
Allen was so thoroughly beaten, he didn't even chase Monk into the end zone. He just stood at the 15-yard line, hands on hips and legs crossed. Cardinal Coach Jim Hanifan stared at Allen and saw everything that was wrong with coaching at St. Louis. Allen gave him an expression of someone who might be suffering from a stomach disorder.
Three minutes later, Allen made the identical mistake, resulting in a 51-yard touchdown pass to Charlie Brown. Hanifan finally lost it.
"I said, 'Hey, you're supposed to play inside coverage, aren't you, Carl?' He said 'Yes, Coach.' And I said, 'It's too damn late now.' "
It was already 14-0 before the Redskins experienced a third down. On the 80-yard drive for their third touchdown, the Redskins had just two third downs. And it wasn’t just the offense that was stomping up and down the field like a marching band, Mike Nelms also zipped around the Cardinals’ special team like they were set furniture at IKEA.
"Never saw anyone like him for getting out of trouble," said Monk. "Guys can be swarming' all over him, relaxing almost because they figure they've got him. Next thing you know here's Nelms coming' out of the crowd.”
"Real strong," said Joe Washington, who rushed for 107 yards on 25 carries. "Anyone who tries to tackle him around the shoulders probably won't do it. And they know he's good. They can kick the ball away from him, but if it stays inbounds Nelm's gonna get it."
"Strength is his real key," said special team coach, Wayne Sevier. "That and confidence. He can go into a pile, get hit four of five times and keep rocking. Nobody realizes how fast he is, because he's so smooth.
"Most returners take what they can get, go down and save themselves. And I'm not saying that's bad. Mike takes what he can get, and when he doesn't have anything he takes 'em head on, bounces off and still gets something anyway."
Nelms returned 6 kicks: his 84 yards on one kickoff resulted in the Redskins’ fifth touchdown in just three plays. He also ran back 40 yards on a punt return, gaining 213 yards in all. I guess it’s safe to say he and the Redskins offense had a good day en route to a 42-21 victory.
Chapter 2: “Bring it On” & the Dallas Cowboys
- My Tale of Perfection - III
The Redskins defeated Dallas, 31-10, representing Washington's largest margin of victory in this rivalry.