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Funny Quotes by Soccer Managers and Coaches


Humour is an invaluable technique in life; it’s a great way to deal with losing, it helps appease your ego and sometimes you inadvertently create it with your (lack of) smarts. Soccer players have shown this, but they’re not the only ones that use humour in their comments. Their managers and coaches have some great quotes as well. Here are some funny quotes from soccer managers.


Luiz Felipe Scolari (Felipão)

Luiz Felipe Scolari, known as Felipão (Big Phil) in Brazil, is a world-renowned manager. He is known for winning the 2002 World Cup with Brazil and leading Portugal to fourth place in the 2006 World Cup. Famous for his temper, his best quotes are often just as fiery and as determined as his character.

“The nickname Felipão (Big Phil) came from the position I used to play in. I used to dish out a bit of stick. I was... manly.”

“I’ve had enough of players who are like cassava plants: they just stay rooted to the spot in midfield.”

"I'll wait for you outside, mate"
to a referee after being asked to leave his bench

“This is war, and I have to kill and not be killed.”

"I'm like anyone else. I've got two legs, two arms and a head"

"Jesus said we should turn the other cheek. Unfortunately, Figo is not Jesus Christ"
after Luís Figo headbutted Mark Von Bommel at the 2006 world cup


José Mourinho

Commonly called "The Special One", Mourinho is widely regarded as one of the greatest coaches of all time. His greatest moments include winning a fantastic treble with F.C. Porto in 2003 (Primeira Liga, Taça de Portugal, and UEFA Cup), winning the UEFA Champions League with Porto in 2004 and the first UEFA Champions League trophy for Portugal, leading Chelsea to two consecutive English Premier League titles in 2005-2006, and winning a treble consisting of Seria A league title, Copa Italia and the UEFA Champions League with Inter in 2009-2010. Naturally, with these victories Mourinho has become more outspoken, and his insatiable ego is shown in these quotes.

"The only thing that I want to say is that we are the best ones and in normal conditions we are more than the best ones. In normal conditions we will be champions. In abnormal conditions we also will be champions"

"We would have only lost if there were six Inter players left on the pitch." -
after beating AC Milan 2-0 with 9 men

"What position is my wife in? Eighth, at least." -
when told he was surveyed to be the 9th most influential man in the world

"It's like having a blanket that is too small for the bed. You pull the blanket up to keep your chest warm and your feet stick out. I cannot buy a bigger blanket because the supermarket is closed. But the blanket is made of cashmere!" -
during a Chelsea injury crisis.

"Young players are a little bit like melons. Only when you open and taste the melon are you 100% sure that the melon is good"

"Please don't call me arrogant, but I'm European champion and I think I'm a special one."

"If Roman Abramovich helped me out in training we would be bottom of the league, and if I had to work in his world of big business, we would be bankrupt." -
on Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich

"If I wanted to have an easy job I would have stayed at Porto. Beautiful blue chair, the UEFA Champions League trophy, God, and after God, me."


Claudio Borghi

A former Argentinian footballer and Chile's current manager, Borghi is known for his hardwork and witty nature. At one point in his youth career he was compared to being on par to Diego Maradona. Like his countryman, his blunt honesty and natural flair have made for many funny quotes.

“Coaching Boca [Juniors] is like having sex with the windows open. You don’t get any privacy, ever.”

“[Juan Roman] Riquelme is a different kind of player, like a woman with three breasts.”

“In football you can’t wait until you’ve conceded a goal before you start taking the game to the opposition. It’s like with women: if you go to a disco and see a stunning blonde you have to go after her, you can’t just wait until the end of the night or for the disco to close.”

“We’ve all got something to say about football and we all think we’re good. It’s the same with sex.”

“So, is it XL or what?” -
on the size of the tracksuit he'll wear as Chile coach


Sir Alex Ferguson

The longest serving and most well known manager of Manchester United, Sir Alex Ferguson has led Manchester United for 24 years, seeing the club go through an era of success. Winning 12 Premier League titles, 5 FA Cups, 4 League Cups, 2 UEFA Champions League titles and a FIFA Club World Cup title, he is easily one of the greatest and respected managers of his time. Proud and passionate, he is known for his "my way or the highway" philosophy and this is reflected in some of his famous quotes.

“They say he’s an intelligent man, right? Speaks five languages! I’ve got a 15-year-old boy from the Ivory Coast who speaks five languages!”
- on Arsene Wenger

“He was certainly full of it, calling me Boss and Big Man when we had our post-match drink after the first leg. But it would help if his greetings were accompanied by a decent glass of wine. What he gave me was paint-stripper.”
- on Jose Mourinho

“That lad must have been born offside.”
- on Filippo Inzaghi

“If he was an inch taller he’d be the best centre half in Britain. His father is 6ft 2in - I’d check the milkman.”
- on Gary Neville

“I remember the first time I saw him. He was 13 and just floated over the ground like a cocker spaniel chasing a piece of silver paper in the wind.”
- on Ryan Giggs

“It was a freakish incident. If I tried it 100 or a million times it couldn’t happen again. If I could I would have carried on playing!”
- on hitting David Beckham in the head with a boot



Silvano Júnior from Faro on September 03, 2012:

"I'll wait for you outside, mate"

Hahahahaha! Scolari is amazig! xD

Der Meister from Virgo Supercluster on September 03, 2012:

haha, great hub.

“[Juan Roman] Riquelme is a different kind of player, like a woman with three breasts.”

Reminds me of the Total Recall movie.

CCahill from England on September 03, 2012:

Haha Borghi just sounds like a sex pest...

mrpopo (author) from Canada on January 30, 2012:

@ gsidley - that's awesome! Love that quote.

@ rezekianugraha - thanks for stopping by!

rezekianugraha on January 24, 2012:

Voted up, great! :)

Dr. Gary L. Sidley from Lancashire, England on January 20, 2012:

Made me smile, Mrpopo.

It brings to mind a quote from Irishman, Billy Bingham, that went something like,

"There is no colour clash. Northern Ireland are playing in green and white stripes while the Republic of Ireland are playing in white and green stripes!"

mrpopo (author) from Canada on September 20, 2011:

Thanks wingedcentaur!

William Thomas from That Great Primordial Smash UP of This and That Which Gave Rise To All Beings and All Things! on September 12, 2011:

Great hub,mrpopo. I really enjoyed it; and voted up for funny and awesome. The football (soccer) coaches are just as colorful as the players!

mrpopo (author) from Canada on June 10, 2011:

Thanks seanorjohn! I hadn't realized that. If I happen to find any other funny managers I'll be sure to include them here.

seanorjohn on June 10, 2011:

The special one Jose is priceless.The good thing about this hub is that you can update it whenever you like. Voted up

mrpopo (author) from Canada on May 23, 2011:

Thanks AlabamaGirl :)

AlabamaGirl86 on May 22, 2011:

Funny stuff. I liked it.

mrpopo (author) from Canada on May 22, 2011:

Glad you liked it Rod, thanks for stopping by :)

Rod Marsden from Wollongong, NSW, Australia on May 22, 2011:

Not bad. I voted up.