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Fantasy Predictions 2022

Previewing the teams of Pete's Pals and putting for predictions for the order everyone will finish


Welcome to the 2022 draft predictions you dumb fucks. Where for the 8th straight year, Alvie stole the show. He showed up last, and late, and didn’t bother to come in, but stayed outside and smoked a cigarette, making himself even later. He didn’t bring the skunk trophy, which I texted him about on Wednesday, and Friday, and Saturday. I think the Saturday morning one went right by him because he trying to figure out how to print the player sheet, 15 minutes before the draft. And yes the hard part was using a printer, something we have all been doing since the age of 10. He then left after an hour, ruining the pool competition. All of these things should be grounds for getting kicked out of the league, but look at his draft! How can I kick a guy out of the league who has zero chance of winning? Despite Nick the draft was really fun, and big thanks to Brandon for letting us be at his place, providing beers and dogs and chips. Now on to the predictions.

1st- Me!- I mean when I win this year, I’m dedicating the trophy to Kyle, and Nick and all you other dipshits who shitty quarterbacks early and let Lamar Jackson fall all the way to the 7th round. And if Daryll wins I’m gonna be pissed at all you dipshits who let Kylar Murray fall to the end of the 8th round. Are you kidding me? My team is loaded and has a great mix of guys with the ability to have a monster week. I can’t believe that after Cooper Kupp carried Pete to the promised land, well, to the parking lot of the promised land, that he passed on him in the first round. I was ready to take Kupp with the 3rd pick had I not sucked at pool so bad. But you running back humping idiots let him drop all the way to 6 where I scooped him up. Then Tyreek and Pitts and Etienne and so on and so on. And the bench is loaded with guys who have the ability to go off. Claypool, Toney, Aiyuk, Olave, Rondalle Moore. Absolutely loaded and guys are going to have to fight to stay in my starting roster. And you guys mock my pick of Brandon Cooks. Umm they are going to be losing every game, he is the clear #1 and almost no target competition. Nico Collins? Fuck a Nico Collins. I’ll see you fucks in the finals.

2nd-Darryl- I still don’t know how to spell this fucking guys name. But every year we learn something about Daryll. This year we learned that only Pete knows his last name. And somehow he didn’t say it out loud so that is still the case. I can’t tell you how many times Darryyll sat next to me shaking his head at how much value he got because you idiots make terrible picks. Kyler Murray in the 8th has to be the steal of the draft. He was the 10th qb selected. It makes utterly no sense but I feel like I could say that 7-8 times about different terrible picks. Andrews may end up the tight end 1, Dionte, Metcalf, Gabe Davis are really strong, then having JT and Fournette. Then his bench is loaded with solid replacements. His bench is a little rb heavy, but rbs do get hurt more often so that’s not so bad. Isiah Pacheco was a horrific pick, he could have gotten him in the last round, or on waivers, but in the grand scheme of this draft, its barely a blip on the idiot meter.

3rd- Pete- First of all Pete, you change your name and don’t have lamb in it for the first time since I have known you. Then Mario comes in and has lamb in his name. The fuck is going on here. This seems like some southern collusion. Wink. Pete always tells me the he never prepares, never does research, and then is always at the top of the league. Look around Pete. You printed off draft sheets, that puts you ahead of damn near everyone in the league as far as preparation. Here is Pete’s strategy at drafts. Pick boring safe older players, beat the bottom half of the league and then do ok against the top half and find himself in the playoffs. Its actually a really good strategy. Pete is really strong at running back, and has some high upside wrs. There is a lot of unknowns this year which makes for possible huge seasons for guys. Jeudy/Sutton is one of those. The one who emerges as the top dog in Denver will elevate that team. I think Dalton Schultz was Pete’s worst pick. He didn’t have a tight end and decided to take best available there. There is nothing wrong with Schultz but all the guys below him are basically about the same and could have been picked many rounds later. This team is just good enough to get beat on the last play of the season. In the third place final.

4th- Trevor- I know why Trevor is never allowed to hang out with us. Because when he does he turns into 22 year old Trevor. This guy was drinking the Jack Daniels like he used to as a senior at OCC. I’m pretty sure Trevor drank half that bottle by himself. He then dry humped his trophy, broke it, then dry humped it some more. I think he did that with his college girlfriend as well. Look his team is really good. I love JaMarr Chase and AJ Brown. Trevor picks Terry McLaurin every year like Pete used to pick Adam Thielen every year. Deandre Swift is a beast and I think Freiermuth could be the break out tight end of the year. I don’t love Eli Mitchell and I hate starting a back up rb in the first week. So depth is an issue, but I know Trevor will make some moves, especially since he has 3 tight ends. That is usually something that Ralph does, but they are kinda related so it makes sense. I think the defending champ will be in the mix all year.

5th- Rich- Rich, aka Alivie jr. left after like 5 picks. And I could see on his face he didn’t want to. Not because the draft is so fun, more because he knew that Larissa had the dildo waiting for him at home. Rich looks like he lost weight. Not in his pot belly, but more in his arms and shoulders and chest and legs. I don’t know if it’s cancer, the cancer sticks, or some other degen thing he does that we don’t know about, but not looking good. I can’t imagine being in Rich’s class every day and trying to stay awake as he drones on in potentially the most monotone voice in history. He could start a youtube channel for people with insomnia. He just starts talking about god knows what and boom your asleep. When they do a remake of Ferris Bueller, Rich can play Ben Stein. Bueller…Bueller…Bueller. Rich’s starting lineup is fantastic except for Josh Jacobs, but in the first few weeks of the season Jacobs is really good. Kamara and Kittle are wildcards, as we don’t know their roles with new Qbs. The problem with this team, and why they aren’t higher, is the bench. There is no one I am excited to put in from these guys. And why have Justin Fields when you have Josh Allen? What week are you not playing Allen and starting Fields? Oh did we pick him for Rich? And those bench guys? Haha suck it Rich.

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6th- Joey- Its hard to make fun of Joey because he is such a great person. But I’ll try. Joeys face looks like Quagmire’s face. Definitely the width of it. And the little pouches. I could make other jokes about how Joey and Quagmire both like young girls but honestly those jokes are played out. For those that don’t know, Joey is slowly transforming himself into Ace Ventura. I think he has somewhere in the neighborhood of 12 pets. I can just imagine him coming home and putting his arms out and they all come out and fly and jump on him. He then takes his pants down and ejaculates. And then they all fight over it. I really just thought of this…I wonder if Joey has ever loaded on one of his cats faces. And before you think this is gross and over the line I want you to know I mean one of his female cats. And im guessing that when joey reads this he is going to text me and say that he has at least thought about it. Oh ya his team. I mean when your 6th your team is eh. Derrick Henry coming off the first injury of his career and Tennessee being a very bad team means he is bad first round pick. Kelce getting older so who knows. Connor has to come back to earth from last year. Pittman who knows with Matt Ryan. Wilson should be good. Renfrow eh. Gage eh. Lots of blehs and ehs make this a middle of the pack team.

7th- Dave- Dave will take this as an insult. I’m fine with that. Dave was very happy at the draft. I’m not sure why. He is clearly still malnutritioned. Heroin makes you sleepy so it wasn’t that. Maybe he came out of the closet and lifted that huge weight off his shoulders. That must be it. If you want I can give you Schwartz’s number. I think Schwartz would be the bottom in that pair but we can’t be sure. Dave also brought a pool cue to pool. I feel like that should be embarrassing but it clearly wasn’t. Dave then won the pool tournament, winning the first pick, and then proceeded to take the third pick. And I have officially seen it all. I mean I get it. If he takes Saquon with the first pick we would mock him so he thought by taking the third pick and taking Saquon it would seem like only the second dumbest thing he did. I get that Saquon is supposed to have a good year. But taking him third, you are betting that he will be the overall third best player in all of fantasy this year. How bout no. Look there are some good things here. Burrow, Waller, Chubb. Waddle could have a huge year and Deebo has to regress but should be good. I like the possibility of Skyy Moore. Dave is really gambling on his team being ok for the first few weeks of the season before Hopkins and Williams come back. And when they do will they be alphas? There are a lot of questions about Dave’s team and his sexuality that we will just have to wait and see on.

8th- Mario- So for those of you who don’t know, Mario asked if he could join our league. He has been killing it in his wife’s girls only league and now he is ready for the big time. Did you know that Mario, at 113 pounds was one of the lightest people in the all girls league. But don’t get it twisted, Mario is a martial arts master. At his Dojo, his Karate master Steve calls him “Flaca Muerte.” I can just imagine Mario getting home from the draft, having his usual dinner of carrot sticks and lettuce and while he was going down on Maria, he told her all about how good his team is. Well its not Mario. I like Jalen Hurts, only because since he can’t throw at all, he just runs every down. Diggs, Williams and Sutton are fine, but they don’t scare anyone. Zeke and Mixon are garbage. Goedert is fine but again who cares. Edmonds is fine as well but cant score from the one so hes useless. The bench really sucks as he picked McKissic like 3 rounds early. And just a lot of shitty shitty picks in here and well that’s what happens when you join a real league bud.

9th- Ralph- Ralph Ralph Ralph how did you screw this up so bad. I mean finishing third in pool and by some miracle getting the first pick. And making the correct, the no condom, the best pick at number 1 with McCaffery. Now don’t get me wrong he is still going to get hurt and be a waste. But if he doesn’t you have gold, Ralph, gold. And then it all came crumbling down. Keenan Allen is old, and started to show it last year. Mike Evans is old, and there are a ton of options for Brady but it’s a fine pick. Evans could pick up some of the short yardage tds that went to Gronk last year so that’s a positive. But that’s the end of the positivity. I utterly hate the David Montgomery pick. I hate the Allen Robinson pick as well. Now he may prove me wrong but he has been bad for years now. And even if he is good, he is still going to be a number 2. AJ Dillon is fine but won’t win you the league unless Aaron Jones goes down. I don’t understand picking Kirk Cousins. Do you think he will be better that Mahomie? So then you picked a guy to use him one week on Mahomes bye week. Makes no sense. The rest of the guys are average and the usual 3 tight end draft mean this team is going nowhere.

10th- Kyle- Papa Zainer had an epically bad draft. His first two picks are both on the same team. So every week your hoping for two tds from Jefferson and from Cook? Makes no sense. Then his next two picks are both from the Rams. So now he is hoping that Stafford throws the ball to Akers or some other idiotic reasoning. And Stafford was such a bad pick. Like I can’t even put it into words. But he is a super bowl champion and that’s important to a lot of people. Like Nick Alvarez. Questions about Akers, Stafford, Godwin, Thomas, Hunt, Mostert, obj like most of your team has a negative question mark about them. And Kyle said Candace gave him 6 hours for draft day then he needed to “go home and be a dad.” Are you shitting me? Passing out in the same room as your kid is not being a dad. I feel like Kyle went home, Candace said “how was it?” Kyle said “Don’t gimme your shit today.” and went to bed. With his sunglasses on.

11th-Brandon- I mean this is kind of like last Higgs. Because Alvie doesn’t really count. Did you know that yahoo grades picked Brandon to finish last. Now that’s funny. Alvie had the worst draft I’ve ever seen and the algorithms at yahoo decided that Brandon was worse. That’s hard to do. What else is hard to do is be so spectacularly bad at pool that everyone felt really bad for him every game. And started rooting for him. The thing is, I really like Brandon’s wr group. Lamb should go nuts, Mooney will be solid and I think Drake London is a beast. And Devonte smith, Julio’s corpse, and Treylon Burks are fine picks. But I don’t like Najee Harris. He literally is just volume, no explosiveness, no big plays, well, except for the last play of the season last year to shove straight down Pete’s throat. Breece Hall is fine but they have another running back that they picked last year who will definitely get carries. And JK Dobbins is coming off an ACL tear. Damien Harris is fine, but I get the feeling that as the year goes on he will be phased out. But then his qbs and tight ends are the killers. Engram and McBride and Carr and Lawrence. I just don’t see these guys putting up enough points to be a consistently winning team. Brandon is gonna have to hit the waiver wire hard as hard as he hits the schooners at Sea Legs.

12th- Nick aka Wildcard- The funniest part of the draft may have been when we called nick for this first round pick and we were all yelling Brady, and then the fucking guy took Brady. In the first round. He would have been available probably in the 9th but Alvie wasn’t taking no chances. Melvin Gordon would have been available in the 14th but Alvie wasn’t taking no chances. Its really hard to take a teams 3rd wide receiver in the 6th round but Alvie found a way. And then, on the phone, we were all there so we know this really happened…Alvie took Sam Darnold. Before Aaron Rodgers, before Trey Lance, Nick chose the back up quarterback of the Panthers. And not just any back up. A back up so bad that Baker Mayfield, who the Browns literally didn’t want on their team, just walked in and took the job. And then Alvie was gone and we started making really solid picks for him.

So another epic draft in the books. Please take all my comments seriously as I mean them all. If you get pissed off where I put maybe you will try harder to prove me wrong and make the league better.


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