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Fact not fiction, Dan Quinn style: the Greatest Defensive Play in Football History

A statue of Dan Quinn, circa 600 AD

A statue of Dan Quinn, circa 600 AD

Prince Quinn's tragic fall from grace

At the time of this writing (May 2013) Dan Quinn is doing time in a Cali prison. His charges: death threats and the possession of firearms.

At the time of this video (a time I like to call The Golden Age of Dan Quinn YouTube Videos) DQ was living with his mom, making YouTubes and smoking weed all day, getting ripped off of stevia, playing online poker, talking to chicks in "hook up" chatrooms, eating like a pig and occasionally getting his ass kicked MMA style.

Because his life was sucking (and still sucks), Dan invented legendary tales around his past and constructed epic fantasies about the future. Among other things, Dan literally believes that he is the Maitreya-- the fifth and final reincarnation of Buddah.

"I'm Maitreya, bitch."

It's possible to follow his meth-addled, punch drunk, stevia enhanced logic to some degree. Prince Siddhartha was originally fated to live a cushy, aristocratic lifestyle as the legend goes, and Dan believes that the NFL was his true destiny. Just as Siddhartha's father shielded the young Buddah from seeing any sick or old people in his early years, DQ was kept from the knowledge of human suffering because he was the Big Man on Campus at Notre Dame. He had a "free ride" athletic scholarship and NFL aspirations. It's easy to see how Dan relates to Siddhartha, because they both experienced good times and easy money in their early lives.

Beyond that, though, the similarity between Dan and Siddhartha ends. Unlike Buddah, Dan did not choose to journey down the ascetic path (aka getting ripped and lean on stevia at his mom's all day long). No-- Dan was forced into his situation by an twisted, despicable evil genius: Notre Dame Hall of Fame coach "Lucifer" Lou Holtz.

Lucifer Lou Holtz

Lucifer Lou Holtz

Lucifer Lou

To say that Dan hates Lou Holtz with a passion is putting it mildly. Put it like this, home boy:

"Well you know what, man? It's like this. What I'm going to do is assassinate your f*cking character with truth over and over, until there is a good chance that you might commit suicide. Okay?"

Dan has built an elaborate conspiracy theory around "The Play." According to Dan, "The Play" could have allowed him to rise to NFL levels of fame and fortune... if it wasn't for Lucifer Lou.

Dan believes that Lou Holtz was intentionally trying to lose the game to Pitt. He believes this mainly because Holtz told Quinn to stay home and watch for a surprise sweep on fourth down. To Quinn, this was the equivalent of saying "go ahead and let Pitt score." Of course coaches call unexpected plays to surprise the opposing team all the time, but DQ ain't hearing that.

Instead of staying home, Quinn activated his instincts, read the running back, turned on his famous "jets" and charged in to made the stop. Turnover on downs. Pitt didn't score, and Notre Dame got the ball back.

Notre Dame drove the ball and punted, and then Holtz switched from a 3-4 defense to a 4-3. There was no need for an extra linebacker in this formation, so Quinn was benched. Quinn interpreted this as Holtz punishing him for not allowing Pitt to score on fourth down.

He's never quite recovered from this injustice.

Quinn fans are more than familiar with his exhausting habit of recounting this story over and over again. In video after video. Rewinding the film over and over. Adding extra analysis. Conjuring up various what-if scenarios.

In this particular vid Quinn is limited to a 10 minute spiel, but this one was shot in the days before YouTube started allowing its videomakers to produce 60 minute long epics. In the later part of his YouTube career if Quinn was in a particularly down-and-out mood, he would fill up an entire hour with bittersweet reflections on this single play.

Toward the end of this DQ classic, Quinn reveals some of his plans for the future. Other videos go into more detail concerning these plans, but in this one Dan only tantalizes us with a mere outline.

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Dan's plans to reclaim that which is rightfully his

He has three plans up his sleeve. Plans that will help him achieve levels of fame and fortune that will allow Quinn to expose Holtz for the monster that he is. Plans that will allow Quinn to vindicate himself, once and for all.

Here are his three ideas:

1. Get the Vagos to hold a coast-to-coast bike rally. The Vagos could get ripped on stevia and stay up all night. A snowball of media attention might follow. If so, stevia would get famous, and so would Dan. Because Dan is stevia spokesman.

2. The second plan involves renting out a NASCAR speedway:

"How about this we get some speedway. Track? Ha ha. You know? It doesn't matter. And just go around in circles for 36 hours and sh*t. A-ha ha ha ha ha ha! You know? Getting spun on stevia, setting a world record. Yeah, that'd be cool."

3. Dan's third brilliant idea is to make a large vat of Pure H20 (the fountain of youth) and offer it to various college football teams. For free. The guys who took it would get lean and ripped. Then, everyone would get on stevia. And DQ will rocket to fame and fortune.

Before he signs off, DQ references how he once took stevia prior to a match and broke an opponent's collarbone.

Oddly enough, that story is actually true.

The saga continues...

Intro: the astonishing saga of Dan "Stevia" Quinn

DQ flosses his famous "jets" in a Walmart parking lot

The greatest defensive play in football history

A real life conspiracy involving Dan, TMZ and UFC prez Dana White

Dan Quinn's harrowing account of child abuse, Hot Wheels tracks and handcuffs

DQ barricades himself in a Starbucks bathroom to sort out an argument with a Vago head honcho

Dan Quinn snaps a MMA opponent's collarbone in half

Peachy the Cat and the magical healing power of Pure H20


Lisa on January 03, 2015:

I hate my life but at least this makes it belaebar.

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