Greetings class, and welcome to Cheating-For-Football-Club-Owners 101.
I assume everyone here owns an NFL team? Good. Then we can get started. Who'd like to go first?
Yes you -- hot stuff --
GEORGIA FRONTIERE: Hi. I have parents who are still alive. They live in St. Louis, and I don't like going there twice a year for the holidays.
Move the team to St. Louis.
GEORGIA FRONTIERE: Let me fucking finish. So...what happens when you've been intentionally killing your team...and then all of a sudden, your injured free agent running back and grocery store clerk quarterback become the biggest tandem in the NFL?
I don't understand your concern. You got a winner. What's the problem?
GEORGIA FRONTIERE: It feels like my scam ran away from me. I mean I honestly didn't mean for them to be that good!
So you want to know how to turn off the faucet just in case?
Simple, ma'am. Don't build the defense.
GEORGIA: But the defense I have now is helping them win!
It won't last.
GEORGIA: But that offense!
Just hire someone from the days when the team sucked. Who was the offensive coordinator before your husband got Deacon Jones and Roman Gabriel?
GEORGIA (looking down miffed): Dick Vermeil.
BUD ADAMS: Hi, yes. I kind of have a similar problem but I don't want to resolve it the way this crazy bitch did.
Sorry but...I'm kind of young here...what team do you own?
BUD ADAMS: The Houston Oilers.
The Houston Oilers were one of the original AFL teams from 1960.
Lamar Hunt's best friend was a man named Bud Adams, a very rich Texas southerner.
Lamar Hunt and Bud Adams were the richest of the owners.
They would, for this reason, be the most influential over the league.
And boy was this a good thing.
Lamar Hunt has been compared in these hubs to Quentin Tarantino. Bud Adams was Robert Rodriguez.
Robert Rodriguez, Tarantino's favorite collaberator, loved Southern culture.
Everything but the racism.
Rodriguez's handiwork in cinema is almost nothing but overt references to Texas, cowboys, Mexican cults, Mexican this, Mexican that.
Rodriguez thought it was just as cool to copy what was already out there as Tarantino.
Billionaires have a hard time with things like the NFL. We see it as a league where if you're the best football players in the world, it's where you belong. Billionaires see it as a bunch of assholes having the nerve to think they can monopolize all the game's best talent. This is why boxing will never have an organized league with a formal schedule. If you want that particular sport's best talent, you have to go and find them and hope that a press conference is going on with cameras and reporters for you to interject your challenge.
So what gives, Rozelle? they say.
At the same time that Hunt had been refused a new Dallas team from the NFL, Adams was getting told no when it came to putting up a franchise in Houston.
For the first two years of its' incarnation, 61 and 62, the Oilers were AFL Champions.
See my point?
Here you had a situation where the absolute opposite of Georgia and Al Davis...was about to hit with the same financial scenario as Georgia and Al.
Tons of money...but the actual team itself was struggling to earn.
When the AFC encounters this scenario, there becomes HYPROCISY.
The owners had made almost all their decisions weighing good faith the same as returns.
We'd rather make a friend then a profit?
This is the way you had to see it in those days when you were a pro league that wasn't the NFL. You were an outsider.
And so Bud Adams will have to take this good faith...and basically churn it to his advantage.
For example, the International Lottery.
There are lotteries in Australia and such that pitch everything to you as free and nice and neat.
If you happen to "win", they will THEN hit you up for money.
Because they can arrange a way that you won't have to pay taxes on your winnings.
You can either give them 5,000 dollars upfront...or give the government of your country 50% of the jackpot.
These poor fuckers then give up the 5,000 dollars.
It's more then just a "bank fee"...these assholes now have something to use against these poor schmos in the event of being sued by Interpol.
They have records of you trying to cheat the government. Go ahead and fuck with us now.
Then there's also my favorite types of scams -- the screenplay contest.
These are the best, because had I been good enough back in 2000 to actually be picked, I would have been scammed HARD.
What they do is refer you to a paid editing service.
These are the best because what happens is that you will be given an INVISIBLE DEADLINE as to pay the money.
They go out to lunch with you and get you to open up about your financial situation as you try to grease the fucking wheels and make them pitch some of your work.
They will then get a feel of when's the best time to press you for the payments...thereby making you seem and feel like a deadbeat should you get the nerve to point out to them that you are about the last thing on their list of priorities.
This is what AFC people have to do to the fans of Houston and Cleveland and Baltimore when they're not seeing returns.
They have to make a case that the fans there are the VERY REASON winning didn't occur.
As in had the fans not been so impatient, they would have had themselves a Superbowl champion.
And so this is what Bud Adams -- after decades of making fans happy and getting the Astrodome renovated and keeping Jeff Fisher forever like the other AFC stalwarts like Denver and Miami -- Adams would essentially point to the fans as the reason why he has to leave.
They're being CHEAP SKATES.
They won't pay extra taxes, thus what do you expect out of their civic projects.
The Astrodome had been renovated with TAX PAYER MONEY.
Now Bud Adams was trying to make them feel guilty for not giving more.
Well that was that.
The Oilers would have to move.
Yet Adams, like everyone in the AFC outside of Al Davis, weren't practiced in this.
This "being an asshole" thing was far too new for them to have an adequate sense of the prepations.
This is why even the biggest asshole -- Art Modell -- had to move the team overnight.
They do it while you sleep because they were not hired and handpicked on an "asshole-first" basis.
They left e-mails to girls they were dumping, or told them face-to-face because they wanted to see tears more then sunlight and water.
NFC guys go right up to a girl, say I'm breaking up with you, and not to interfere in my new relationship with your best friend you psycho. Maybe you should get counselling.
But before you call AFC guys pussies, think about this --
Nothing that's hard to do is ever done by rich dudes. That's why you become rich.
As unmanly as it might seem to sit around and eat ice cream and watch TV...that's what rich men wanna do.
It's not manly to go to a health spa just to sit in the hot tub and sauna? Cuz that's all I'D do.
So when we left off before you bastards threw off my focus, we were talking about to sell a city of suckers that you're doing something for them.
Turns out that -- in conservative country which Adams loved so much -- you couldn't just have a Chicago Cubs.
WIN or gettttttt out.
DISRESPECT US? GETTTTTT out.
Particularly the fans of Houston would have something very bad happen to them in the 1980s when the Earl Campbell-Sammy-Sosa-Ryne-Sandberg dynamic was now dead...
The oil wells.
Multiple sources I've read say that it was 2/3rd, 60 percent, 80 percent stagnent.
The wells had gone dry.
The oil that had made Oilers like Bud Adams rich...were gone.
So now you had Southerners in 1866 now supposed to pay NFL ticket dollars on top of a hidden maintenance fee for a team that they had just paid taxes for as well.
As soon as Bud said he was moving the team, the Oilers fanbase DISAPPEARED.
Fuck you too, Bud.
That was part one.
Part two was the fact that, unlike the night-walkers, this particular AFC owner hadn't secured arrangements to move the fucking team before announcing to Houston they were moving.
They were going to Tennessee, because all Bud Rodriguez's Exes live in Texas, and Texas is the place he really longs to be/but all his exes live in Texas so he's hanging his hat in Tennessee. I'll bet you anything that's how it happened, that Clint Black was playing in his limo while he was thinking about what to do.
Yet Nashville was not ready with their stadium yet, and in order to build it to the standards of ambience as was customary, it would take about three years.
The new Chicago Bears stadium took four.
So here's a Houston Oiler team in 1995 that has already said goodbye to Houston...now left to find some place else to go until 1998.
They spent the first of these years STILL IN HOUSTON.
The place was filled with Pittsburgh Steeler fans.
Then the second year, they went to Vanderbilt University in Memphis.
This was funny because Vanderbilt is a college stadium and it does NOT ALLOW ALCOHOL.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA BUD YOU'RE TERRIBLE AT THIS!!!!
It was that unpromising to Adams that he chose Houston OVER VANDERBILT.
For a year.
Then it was onto Vanderbilt where they would be Memphis's team for two years.
For Tennessee has always been both conservative and liberal, North and South, Ocho and Clarence.
Nashville is the Staubach wing of Tennessee. Shit-kickers and what not.
Memphis is really the place where an AFC team WOULD BE WORSHIPPED.
Yet the Memphis people were smart.
I'm gonna get my heart broken.
Nashville was 200 miles from Memphis. Not even Nashville fans KNOWING they were getting this team in two years...wanted to drive out there.
So Steelers fans filled Vanderbilt Stadium as well.
Then finally onto Nashville, where Bud Adams, feeling truly guilty about all this, pledged at least to make the team resemble Nashville more.
His committee comes up with a great name.
Nashville has been labelled as the "Athens of the South".
It was a shout out to the small population of people in Nashville that are ALWAYS AT BARNES AND NOBLE AND BORDERS READING!!!!
You see what Bud does?
He makes the minority in Nashville feel like the majority, legitimizing a claim the city made about itself to attract all of America to its' giftshops and not just Southerners.
He connects the South and the AFC all at once in the mind of the Nashville football fan.
And then has them win ONCE in order to tell Houston it was being jagoffs.
Thanks Georgia, he said to the heavens.
The 1999 season was funny because of one man.
The Chicago Bear rookie quarterback had held out all throughout spring training, and then did sort of okay before ending up 1-6.
It would have helped if Dick Jauron had known that McNown likes to throw deep passes.
What the fuck do the Bears coaches do on Saturday while everyone else is playing Madden?
Aren't they even into this fucking game as a HOBBY?! Even a little bit CURIOUS?!!!!!!
Shane Matthews and Jim Miller were busy getting rocked all season long.
So bad it was for Matthews and Miller...that McNown would end up the starter at least fifteen times.
One only needs to watch a Bears game anytime to see what it's like when you cannot escape the NFC drudgery of motions and cold annoying winds.
They are not allowed to go home, or go write, or go drink, or go do anything.
They have to fulfill their horrendous, painful obligations while playing in that weather with those jagoffs who don't know shit.
Chicago management wants to move the Bears so so so bad, but you simply can't play shitty enough to make the fans say "MOVE THE TEAM!!!"
And so we watch this horrendously bad relationship go on.
The bright news is that -- NFC towns hate quarterbacks, and Chicago is definitely a slaughterhouse when it comes to their own quarterbacks.
Quarterbacks come to Chicago to die.
Get stripped of every advantage, fuck up, get SERIOUSLY INJURED, and then while they're in the hospital, get called pussies by EVERYBODY ON TELEVISION.
The bright spot in all this of course were the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.
They were growing, learning, and starting to believe in themselves.
The problem is that they were still a few years away from being ripe enough for me to tell you their story.
In the meantime they will learn how to do everything except win in domes, and when it's cold.
Domes are harder then you think because recievers go to die on artificial turf the way quarterbacks go to die in Chicago.
Shaun King would have the worst passing day of his life in the NFC Championship game in St. Louis.
Keenan McCardell and Joe Jurivicius were still wasting their lives on the Jaguars and Giants.
His running back Warrick Dunn was not a turf man. He was a grass man.
And Warren Sapp and Robert Brooks and John Lynch played BEAUTIFULLY.
It would earn them a 6-5 lead deep in the fourth quarter, until Kurt Warner finds Ricky Proehl with about 4 minutes left.
11-6, because they would miss the two point conversion.
The Nebraska Cornhuskers national championship teams had given St. Louis their first big defensive star -- Grant Wistrom.
What a player.
Meanwhile the Jaguars had beaten everybody that year except one team -- The Titans.
The Titans with Eddie George from Ohio State and Air McNair from Alcorn State were HOT.
Samuri Rolle and Jevon Kearse.
They beat the Jaguars twice during the regular season. So Jax is 14-2...and not even the best team.
The Titans get away with murder in the wildcard game, as Kenneth Dyson gets a FORWARD LATERAL PASS rather then a BEHIND THE LINE OF SCRIMMAGE PITCH AS IS LEGAL.
Dyson runs all the way into the endzone for the game winning touchdown while all the Buffalo players bitch it out to the refs.
So then the Titans go and play Peyton Manning in his second year.
They were 13-3, but Manning isn't as good as everyone says.
In fact if you like to make fun of Peyton Manning, tune in.
So the Titans move on because of Eddie George's 68-yard run that breaks the ice in the third quarter.
Meanwhile Jacksonville is at home and beats Miami. But let's give it up to O.J. McDuffie, Oronde Gadsden, PATRICK SURTAIN!!!, Sam Madison and Brock Marion.
Trace Armstrong can kiss my ballsack because for the Bears he did jack.
Miami is never competitive again, so for a moment, let's pay tribute to the memories --
1) Fucking with the Bills
2) Losing to the Bills
3) Being cool anyway
So the Titans go to Jacksonville and win 33-14.
3-0 versus Jacksonville.
And now it's onto the Superbowl.
Towards the end, McNair is trying to tie the game up.
He gets them downfield but looks like he's being dragged...but BREAKS FREE and hits Kenneth Dyson!!!!
Dyson's at the 19. Timeout Tennessee.
The final play of the game, Titans at the Rams 12...they need a touchdown...
McNair hits Dyson over the middle...is he IN???? NO!!!!
St. Louis Rams linebacker Mike Jones would make the tackle as Dyson was able to enter the endzone.
Four inches short.
The Rams were world champions, and Dick Vermeil would cry.
He actually won the Superbowl with the god damn Cleveland Indians from "Major League".