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A Social Justice Warrior's Guide to NFL Team Names

Tom Lohr is an avid baseball fan and has visited every Major League Baseball park . . . twice.

Football season is upon us. Time for social justice warriors to begin beating the drum of racism, sexism and the many other supposed injustices that team names and mascots represent. They only time they get more upset is when they spill their non-fat latte all over their Birkenstocks. While SJWs spend their entire lives miffed at something, nothing incenses them more than the kickoff of another NFL season.

They have taken aim at revoking several teams' logos for years, and every year find some wild reason to add another team's name to the list of things that offend. The fact is, they connect so many dots in a zig zag pattern that, using their logic, anyone could find a reason for changing an NFL team's name. Frankly, they won't be satisfied until every sports team is assigned a number and not a name. In the not too near future, you may see your NFL Sunday lineup showing team 18 will play team 6.

But SJWs have feelings too. So we helped them out with reasons to demand a name change of every NFL team. Or perhaps ban football on TV in general and broadcast something cerebral, like chess; provided we change the names of the board pieces called king and queen to something more gender neutral.

Arizona Cardinals. All cardinals are red, right? Wrong. Only male cardinals are red, females are brownish. The fact that only the males of the species are allowed to be brightly colored is sexist enough to render the name inappropriate.

Atlanta Falcons. Falcons are birds that eat other birds by killing them with their sharp talons, mostly by picking on smaller prey. Bullying that ends in death is far from a proper mascot name.

Baltimore Ravens. The Ravens take their name from the fact that Edgar Allen Poe is from the city. He wrote the famous story The Raven. He is yet another male-related mascot in a male dominated sport. Lucille Clifton was Maryland's poet laureate six years, plus she is African American. She is a much more appropriate mascot. The Baltimore Cliftons. I like it.

Buffalo Bills. The buffalo on the team's helmet is a stark reminder of how european invaders to American nearly eradicated an entire species and decimated a major food source for Native Americans.

Carolina Panthers. Not only is their mascot a panther, it is a black panther. Cartoonish portrayal of a group that is adamant about rights for African Americans is undoubtedly racist.

Chicago Bears. In the LBGT community, bears are large hairy gay men. Clearly, Chicago is clearly mocking them and homophobic overtones are not acceptable.

Cincinnati Bengals. The bengal tiger is an endangered species. How dare Cincinnati turn them into a mascot. It surely promotes the illegal hunting of the large cats on safari.

Cleveland Browns. Football is a sport for people of all colors, not just brown. How racist can Cleveland get?

Dallas Cowboys. Forget the fact that the name is not gender neutral, cowboys deal in the herding of cattle; mostly for beef. Meat is murder.

Denver Broncos. Broncos are needed for bronc riding, a sports that deprives wild horses of their freedom and basically tortures them in the rodeo arena for the entertainment of humans.

Detroit Lions. After elephants, lions are one of the most exploited circus animals. Every time their logo flashes on the screen, we think of cats in cages.

Green Bay Packers. As in meat packing. In addition to the unhealthy lifestyle meat promotes, they have to kill animals to pack it.

Houston Texans. Texans? You mean like the people that stole their land from Mexico?

Indianapolis Colts. Colts are baby horses. At least the Broncos capitalize on the exploitation of adult animals. Taking advantage of the young is just wrong. Also, Colt is the name of a small arms manufacturer, promoting guns is also wrong.

Jacksonville Jaguars. In the world of dating, a cougar is a woman in her 40s that dates younger men. A jaguar is a woman over 50 that does the same. Using a team name that shames older women's sexuality is unacceptable.

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Kansas City Chiefs. Wow, yet another cultural appropriation of Native American culture.

Los Angeles Chargers. Their logo is a bolt of energy. You know, the air polluting, fossil fuel powered energy that is killing our planet.

Los Angeles Rams. Probably the most overt male mascot in football. Why not just a sheep?

Miami Dolphins. Dolphins are nearly as smart as humans; probably smarter. Turning this intelligent species into a mascot is just wrong. Think of how they feel.

Minnesota Vikings. Marauding boatloads of men raping and pillaging. Not a cool team name.

New England Patriots. Patriots are ultra nationalistic, preferring the wellbeing of their nation over others. Plus, it invokes thoughts of the privacy invading Patriot Act.

New Orleans Saints. We need separation between church and football. Does New Orleans think that atheists can't be football fans?

New York Giants. So giants, aka large people, are supposed to be better at football than persons small of stature? The complex this names gives to people smaller than the average height must be staggering.

New York Jets. Do you know the carbon footprint of a jet? It is huge. I can feel the oceans rising every time the Jets play.

Oakland Raiders. Raider is another name for pirate, or buccaneer, or any other profession that makes its living taking from others through violence.

Philadelphia Eagles. An Eagle is the national symbol of the United States; the most prolific arms supplier in the world. Supporting the Eagles is the same as supporting worldwide military action.

Pittsburgh Steelers. An apt name for a team from a steel producing city. But do you know how dirty the steel industry is? The amount of pollution it produces is mind boggling. Any team name that promotes bad air has no place on the field.

San Francisco 49ers. The team got its name from the gold rush of 1849. You know, when all of those men rushed up into the mountains of California and stripped it bare of natural resources, scarring the environment in the process.

Seattle Seahawks. Firstly, there is no such thing as a sea hawk, and it isn't spelled as one word. But types of sea going hawks include the sea skua. The Sea Skua, is also the name of a British air-to-surface missile. Clearly, the Seahawks are promoting warfare.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Yet another team that uses a group of violent, seafaring men to represent their team.

Tennessee Titans. A titan is someone who is influential, or god-like. So, are the Titans saying they are better then everyone else? Thanks Tennessee for the giant step backward in equality.

Washington Redskins. The team that started the scrutiny of team names. We will let the tons of press on Washington's mascot speak for itself.

NOTE: The Redskins caved to the silly social justice warriors in 2020 and dropped the name "Redskins." Until a new team name is decided, they are simply known as the "Washington Football Team."

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RTalloni on May 25, 2018:

Bwhahahah...clearly, it's warfare they love.

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