I play a lot of fantasy football. My league has been going for more than 20 years.
Is Sunday Don't Talk to Daddy Day?
How important is fantasy football to you? How seriously do you take fantasy football? If you lose, do you just shake it off and forget about it right away? Or do you mope about until you can set your line-up for next week?
It's common knowledge that domestic violence rises on Sundays. Yes, it's a day people go to church. It's also the day the NFL plays its games. When the NFL plays its games, some teams win and some teams lose. And when some football teams lose, men beat their wives. That counts as taking football way too seriously. If that's you, get some counseling. And if that's you, there are more things wrong in your life than football.
Then there's fantasy football. We call it fantasy for a reason. Getting upset about fantasy is like throwing a fit over killing your 5th level Orc in a D&D battle. That's for 10-year-olds. Still, those of us who play fantasy football can't help ourselves. Winning or losing our fantasy match up becomes a life or death struggle. Don't interrupt us. We can't talk. And sometimes things go way too far.
Here are some things fantasy football players do that suggest they take fantasy football way too seriously. These actions suggest addiction. Seek professional help.
You Root Against Your Favorite Team
So, let's say your favorite team is the Broncos. You're going up against a guy who has their starting quarterback. If you take fantasy football too seriously, you hope the guy gets stuck in traffic and can't make the game. Worse, you hope he gets in an accident. Or maybe one of their star players pulls a hammy before the game. That makes you happy. Despite the fact you've rooted for the Broncos your whole life, you simply hope they lose this one. You don't care if they kick field goals instead of score touchdowns. You scream at the TV for the opposing team to sack the QB. Make him fumble! He throws an interception and you cheer. Something is wrong.
Yelling at Your Kids
You lose your fantasy match-up by one point, so what do you do? You start yelling at your kids. You yell at your wife when she talks to you. Let's say you lose your fantasy matchup by a single point. Then you're at dinner. Your infant son drops his sippy cup. Next thing you know, you're screaming at him. You're worthless! Who can't hold a sippy cup! Rot in hell, you demon! Then you list him for sale on Ebay.
You're taking fantasy football way too seriously.
Friendships Have Ended
Hey, people end friendships over less. But what if your best friend from childhood beats you by a point for your league championship? If you shrug it off and have dinner with him the next day, then you're good. Hopefully, you have no problem with him ribbing you a little. You're good.
If you end the friendship and threaten to burn down his house if he ever speaks to you again? You have a serious problem.
You Stop Working or Quit Your Job
There are estimates that fantasy football costs businesses billions of dollars every year. That's because employees sit at their desks and obsess over their lineups instead of working. Billions in lost production. So, if you're one of those people, you need to get a clue. Do that stuff on your lunch hour. Lost a job over fantasy football? Wow! And if you've voluntarily quit your job to concentrate on your fantasy team full-time? Get a life and a reality-check. You take fantasy football too seriously.
Hacking Into Your Opponents Computer
If you could just hack your opponent's computer and change his lineup. You're so desperate for a win or to make the playoffs that you'll do anything. Try his wife's maiden name as his password! Or his pet's name plus the number of his address! Heck, try 12345678! People use stupid passwords. Wait, just call his wife and ask her what his password is. Offer her money.
Face it, you're scum. Fantasy football isn't for you. That said, many people leave their passwords in their wallets. Steal his wallet.
Fantasy Football Even Tortures the Experts
You Stop Eating
Losing at fantasy football actually destroys your appetite. Like if you're mother died or something. You just sit there and lament your sad state and refuse to eat like a child throwing a fit. Poor baby, you got peas instead of carrots. You take fantasy football too seriously.
A Serious Injury Makes You Happy
This is my personal favorite. So your opponent has Tom Brady. And during the first quarter of the first game of the season, a defender takes out Brady at the knees. Like that, he's out for the season. You actually cheer. Concussions make you really happy. Permanent fatal injuries are your dream. You are one sick puppy. Bonus points for calling your opponent up and rubbing his face in it. "Dude, you started Cam Newton? Didn't you know he was going to have his spleen ripped in two by that linebacker? He's practically dead, man! You started a dead guy!" That said, be careful with Cam Newton. People sack him a lot.
Crying and Depression
Losing a fantasy football match makes you weep - like shed real tears.
Score Checking While Driving
No matter where you are, you can check your fantasy scores. You can check scores at the gas station. In the supermarket. You can check them while running or biking. To risk life and limb to check scores while driving is another story. Bonus points if you check those scores while driving other people around. Double bonus points if your kids are in the car. Triple bonus points if you've wrecked your car while checking your fantasy score. Quadruple bonus points if you've wrecked your care while checking your fantasy score. Even better? You've already won. You're checking because you want to see if your kicker poured on some post-victory gravy.
Asking God for Help
Imagine you're God for a second. You have lots of stuff going on. You're trying to cure cancer, stop global warming and feed starving children. You need to determine if you should blast Rush Limbaugh with a bolt of lightning. But then there's Bob in Pittsburgh. He prays in order to ask you to make sure his fantasy football team pulls out a victory. It's vital because he'll win that league championship finally. If you're God, do you not smite Bob and give him a horrible disease?
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
© 2012 crankalicious
William Gibstat from NY on October 14, 2014:
I've only done about 3 of these, but there have been times I've wanted to do a few more...