The Care and Feeding of Aliens
You wake up one morning and the incredible has happened.
An alien spaceship has crash-landed in your backyard, crushing your wife's prized azaleas in the process.
The azaleas can be replaced but what about these little green men in their saucer?
What to do?
Life sometimes imitates art, we are told, and in movies and on television season after season, we see episodes where crash-landing aliens end up interacting with humans, or some such similar theme, based on the 1940's news story that placed the possiblity of real aliens crashing in Roswell a version of history that is still being debated. Is it entertainment or science?
You may want to keep this discovery to yourself. The media shouldn't get word of this until you are ready for their massive attention.
If the crash happened at night you are in luck. There are likely no witnesses.
But if it happens in daylight hours you will have to think and act quickly. Run in the house and get as many blankets as you can, or better yet a large painter's plastic sheet and hide as much as you can.
Provided Mrs. Bling doesn't stick her head over your backyard fence and start asking snoopy questions, you should be in the clear. If necessary tell her something like you are building a golem and don't want to be bothered.
That should shut her up.
2.Examine the Site
Simply walk around the site of the crash and take a tally of how many green bodies you find and if anything is on fire. If so get your garden hose and give everything a once over. In fact I'd recommend you do it whether there is fire or not because the water may revive some of the crew and then you will be better able to deal with them.
Are there survivors? Do they move about or are they saying anything? You can try checking pulses but they may not have standard hearts like we do. Better to give them a nudge and see if they react. But do it with a stick. You don't want any alien germs on you. Might prove nasty. Might just make you grow horns in places you would rather have ears or something.
Get a garbage bag, several in fact, and a large fishbowl. (The fishbowl is for your head.) Make yourself one of those outfits you see the coroner wear in those PBS Mysteries. Then you can safely proceed to move the bodies and ship down to your basement where you can examine at your leisure.
But wait! Before you touch anything, take photographs. Video is best and narrate as you film. It's for posterity after all and if Mulder and Sculley arrive you will want to give them the tape for their X-Files. Do a good job. If the tape goes to the White House you will want the President to be impressed by your skills. He just might be looking for a new press-secretary.
In the eventuality you have living, breathing, talking Aliens, you can just ask them (use universal sign language--everybody speaks that) to move their ship down stairs and themselves pronto!
Be authoritative. Don't waffle. If they sense weakness or lack of authority, they may not be so helpful. They may just get mean.
3. Take Security Precautions
Once everything is in the basement, lock the door to prevent unauthorized persons from entering. Namely your wife, dog, cat and that nosy kid who lives next-door and keeps coming over and asking you embarrassing questions all day and spilling grape juice on the carpet. Especially HIM!
In addition you may want to consider contacting someone in Washington. Do not tell the local police about it if you can help it. The local sheriff usually has a grudge against Aliens who crash in his county spoiling his weekend plans. Better to let the FBI or CIA deal with them. And remember to get in touch with Art Bell. This might just bring him out of retirement!
4. What to Feed Them?
If the Aliens are hungry it is best to start them on something simple like a peanut butter sandwich and a glass of water. Chances are they come from a civilization so advanced that they don't have things like Taco Bell and Minute Maid Frozen Orange Juice so it might be tricky knowing what they want. I suggest peanut butter because it will probably get stuck to the roof of their mouths and you will get a few laughs watching them try to eat it. I do it with my dog all the time, and believe me it's hilarious.
If the Aliens make any attempt at speaking English you are in luck, because, as a rule, they are a quick-study and will be gabbing non-stop in no time.
Some questions you might want to have handy to ask them:
A. Why did you crash? Was someone in your ship DWI?
B. Where are you from? If it was more than thirty-thousand light-years I will have to ask you to pay for all your own phone-calls to home.
C. Why are you green, (or grey or whatever shade of Alien they happen to be)? Why don't you wear clothes or all Aliens nudists?
D. If you have any extra energy after your crash, could you use it to help me rake those dam leaves my wife is going on about?
I think this covers the most important questions. You can improvise of course as the spirit takes you.
For example, if one of them looks like he is a trouble maker, you can ask him if he's ever spent the night in jail with a guy named 'Bubba' in the same cell? That should put him in his place.
Generally speaking, caring for Aliens is not that difficult once you realize that they are probably confused and scared and just want to go home. Unfortunately they are going to get alot more scared when they hear Stephen Hawking's voice-synthesizer as he questions them about celestial mechanics and multi-dimensional physics. That thing is darn creepy.
Not to speak of what the M.I.B. might do when they find out.
Just remember, when they say 'smile!'... close your eyes!
Crash Landed Alien Gallery
Aliens Landing (In Your Backyard!) - 7th Grade SFMS Band
shauna on August 17, 2011:
accurate psychic on July 07, 2011:
The craziest of ideas are sometimes the things that edge put the truth--the truth is out there. :)
Woody Marx (author) from Ontario, Canada on September 09, 2010:
Thanks Dolores. I thought it was good advise too, even though I wrote it myself (I'm so modest);) Well, the truth is that IS your house! I photographed that crash when you were on vacation, and used it in my Hub. You might want to check out your basement etc. to see if they are still hanging around.
Dolores Monet from East Coast, United States on September 09, 2010:
Excellent advise! I have, for some time, been worried about the prospect of aliens landing in my back yard and was horrified when I saw the topmost photo which looks a hell of a lot like my own house! I have never got beyond the grab the camera approach. Then start calling the tabloids. They pay big money for this stuff!
nicomp really from Ohio, USA on August 08, 2010:
A photo of Art Bell and the phrase "don't panic" seem to be at odds. I miss that lunatic.
JPSO138 from Cebu, Philippines, International on April 06, 2009:
Very amusing hub. I love it!
Alien Guy on March 31, 2009:
Can somebody tell me the NAME of the coffee drinking alien in MIB movie??????
Woody Marx (author) from Ontario, Canada on December 19, 2008:
ME: watch the movie and you will understand.
ME on December 18, 2008:
why do you you want to close your eyes when they say smile?
Woody Marx (author) from Ontario, Canada on August 30, 2008:
evilpants: I wish you the best of luck! I don't have an underground bunker, but I am thinking of building one as soon as I can. Remember to wear your tin foil hat at all times and never say the word "cha-cha" in the presence of a democrat. That should help you in your endeavours! ;)
B.T. Evilpants from Hell, MI on August 26, 2008:
Thanks for the advice. I almost had it right. I went amiss at the library, though. I've been singing Alice's Restaurant. I think the ghost of J. Edgar Hoover lives in my basement, so I'm going to move the aliens and debris to my underground bunker, and start over!
Woody Marx (author) from Ontario, Canada on August 25, 2008:
Evil pants: thank ggodness you found my page! Things could have gone very bad for you if you had not. If you follow my instructions to the letter you will find them helpful, but you will find them even more helpful if you learn a new technique which I have recently devised called 'random actions'. It works like magic to confuse government agents who may be on to you. (And let's face it, they probably are if you are practising my suggestions.)
The trick is to act randomly...do things like get into your car and start it up, back it out of the driveway, then drive it right back in. Get out and go into your house. Don't come out for three days.
Another example: go to the library and start singing The Man From La Mancha tunes from the broadway musical. When they tell you to stop, take off your shoes and ask if you can check them out for a week. Then leave abruptly muttering something under your breath about 'watch out for Centarians...they eat books...'
etc. This ia all I can suggest for the moment...I'm being watched from my open window by a lady with a bulldog...I think she is pointing a small lazer at my head...I better close the blinds....
B.T. Evilpants from Hell, MI on August 25, 2008:
Ok, I have everything locked in the basement. But there seems to be a very scary glow, coming from under the door. Did you experience this? Is it dangerous? I tried the CIA, but they hung up on me! I'm calling immigration, next. Could really use some advice, here. I'm worried about growing those horns you mentioned!
Woody Marx (author) from Ontario, Canada on August 25, 2008:
LindaPeryy>>>thank you for the followoing comment!
"In our city, anyone crashing into anyone's backyard needs a proper permit. Presently our permits for crashing in yards cost about $2,000. per square foot occupied, except in Manhattan, NY where prices are usually doubled, tripled or quadrupled as appropriate.
Needless to say, those prices prevent any reasonable aliens from crashing. Last year we won the Guiness Book of World Records for the "least" amount of alien crashes into Manhattan yards.
However, we have the most amount of aliens walking over the borders (without crashing), and thus avoiding permit fees from the government.
Smiles from Lindaperry"
Woody Marx (author) from Ontario, Canada on May 13, 2008:
Words of praise from a master writer! Most appreciative! :)
In The Doghouse from California on May 12, 2008:
Another funny Hub, thanks for the entertaining read!
Woody Marx (author) from Ontario, Canada on May 12, 2008:
jreuter: Ha! I'm laughing along with you imagining the scene! Hope the coffee didn't come out through your nose. :) Much thanks!
Peter: To think I've made it to "fridge-door-status"! Awesome! Thanks!
Patty: Yes indeedy. My Aliens are just as irritating! I think they have seen the movie too! :) Thanks!
Patty Inglish MS from USA and Asgardia, the First Space Nation on May 11, 2008:
Remembr the M.I.B. sequal in which there was a blow-up of some sort in the hallway of the government building and to show injury to the coffee drinking alien worm-guys, the movi set people tossed empty crab-leg shells into the hallway from off screen? Do your aliens like crab legs? Or do they have some that blwo up?:) You also made me laugh.
Peter M. Lopez from Sweetwater, TX on May 11, 2008:
Hillarious. I must take these on the fridge door next to the fire-exit plan (when I get a fire-exit plan).
Jason Reuter from Portland, Oregon on May 11, 2008:
Brilliant! I just read this in a coffeehouse and was having some difficulty keeping my composure, I'm tearing up from laughter, especially from the "building a golem" excuse. Hilarious!
Woody Marx (author) from Ontario, Canada on May 11, 2008:
Jill: That is what keeps me writing! If I can crack you up I know I'm doing a good job! Thanks! :)
Jill Tydeman on May 11, 2008:
Ah..so funny. I read this outloud to my roomate and we cracked up. Especially at the suggestion to feed them peanut butter sandwiches..and the graphics are great too.
Woody Marx (author) from Ontario, Canada on May 11, 2008:
Karen: You and I agree...George is NO Art Bell. And you are also correct that I haven't been sleeping well lately. I am too busy 'catering' to these Aliens! I can't sit down for a moment...it's 'Human! Get me this and get me that.' Oi-vey!
baban: glad you liked it! :)
compu: No problem. I am pleased to add to the knowledge-pool with any little things I am expert on. ;)
Compu-Smart from London UK on May 11, 2008:
Loved these tips and advice Woody!!
You certainly have thougt about this!! lol and i now am fully armed with knowledge if i ever do come across alians..
baban78 from California on May 10, 2008:
always good to know ; just in case ...
Karen Ellis from Central Oregon on May 10, 2008:
Very Amusing - but I think they are either grey or white/not green. But, then I don't have a personal relationship with all of them.
But, it's a good "what if" contemplation. First, I wouldn't tell anyone. If they were unfriendly, I probably wouldn't have a chance to anyway.
I think you haven't been getting enough sleep, staying up too late listening to coast to coast am - yes, I miss Art Bell too. George is okay, but he's no Art Bell.