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The Zombie Apocalypse will happen in 2013!|I meant to say, "The Zombie Apocalypse will happen in 2014!"| The Apocalypse

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observations-on-the-upcoming-apocylypse

What kind of zombie victim are you?

For each question, choose the best answer for you.

  1. Do you hang out or work with people who run slower than you?
    • No, I cannot out run a drunk turtle.
    • I would say that I can out run about half of the people I know.
    • I can run faster than anyone I know.
  2. If a friend or loved one is bitten by a zombie, do you?
    • Do nothing and hope that they do not turn into a brain muncher.
    • Tie them up and see what happens.
    • You give them a bullet to the brain, because they are already dead,
  3. Which weapon is the best to use against zombies?
    • Communication is the best weapon, because the person you know is still in there.
    • A shotgun because it is hard to miss a target while shooting a shotgun.
    • A machete because you do not need to reload a machete.

Scoring

For each answer you selected, add up the indicated number of points for each of the possible results. Your final result is the possibility with the greatest number of points at the end.

  1. Do you hang out or work with people who run slower than you?
    • No, I cannot out run a drunk turtle.
      • Easy prey.: +5
      • Fast food.: 0
      • You are a survivor!: 0
    • I would say that I can out run about half of the people I know.
      • Easy prey.: 0
      • Fast food.: +5
      • You are a survivor!: 0
    • I can run faster than anyone I know.
      • Easy prey.: 0
      • Fast food.: 0
      • You are a survivor!: +5
  2. If a friend or loved one is bitten by a zombie, do you?
    • Do nothing and hope that they do not turn into a brain muncher.
      • Easy prey.: +4
      • Fast food.: 0
      • You are a survivor!: 0
    • Tie them up and see what happens.
      • Easy prey.: 0
      • Fast food.: +4
      • You are a survivor!: 0
    • You give them a bullet to the brain, because they are already dead,
      • Easy prey.: 0
      • Fast food.: 0
      • You are a survivor!: +4
  3. Which weapon is the best to use against zombies?
    • Communication is the best weapon, because the person you know is still in there.
      • Easy prey.: +3
      • Fast food.: 0
      • You are a survivor!: 0
    • A shotgun because it is hard to miss a target while shooting a shotgun.
      • Easy prey.: 0
      • Fast food.: +3
      • You are a survivor!: 0
    • A machete because you do not need to reload a machete.
      • Easy prey.: 0
      • Fast food.: 0
      • You are a survivor!: +3

This table shows the meaning of each possible result:

Easy prey.

You will be one of the first victims to have their brain munched on.

Fast food.

You will not be one of the first to be munched on, but you will not be around very long either.

You are a survivor!

You have read enough zombie books, seen enough zombie movies, and you have read enough articles on zombies to survive.

I was wrong (obviously)!

Okay, okay, I was wrong about the Zombie Apocalypse happening in 2013, and I was also wrong that the apocalypse would be caused by millions of Americans that went brain dead because of reality TV. The theory was that the brain dead would eat the brains of their fellow Americans in order to have some form of mental nourishment; however, many individuals have predicted the end of the world and been wrong (see below). So, I am going to take another crack at predicting the Apocalypse in the near future. In the meantime, peruse this article and become afraid,very afraid..

Everyone is talking about the world ending soon, so I thought it was time to put my 2 cents in. I am a survivor of Y2K and 47 other dates of the Apocalypse or the end of the world during my lifetime. I wish I could say that I survived because of my sharp wits and Adonis body, but nothing really happened on any of those dates. These predictions of doom were reportedly made by Pat Robertson, Edgar Casey, Nostradamus, and Harold Camping, and I am still here to give you the following information:

1. Before discussing the Mayan’s it should be stated that theZombie Apocalypse will happen but not in 2012. The Zombie Apocalypse is a surefire thing and will be coming to your neighborhood soon. The Zombie Apocalypse will not be caused by the undead, bath salts, or by some weird experiment gone wrong by the government. The Zombie Apocalypse will be started by the brain dead.

After watching and listening to hours and hours of politicians lying to us and being caught in those lies, and still saying the same lies anyway, and after hours and hours of watching Jersey Shore, or watching basically the same show with a different name like American Idol, The X Factor, and The Voice, or Hollywood making movie remakes of remakes some of our fellow citizens higher thinking will shut down. Their essentially dead brains will seek nourishment, and they will start eating the brains of those whose frontal cortex is still functioning.

Unfortunately, they will only be, essentially, lobotomizing their fellow citizens, who then will try to jump-start their brains by eating other people’s brains. According to pseudo scientist, people’s brains will not shutdown until the Jersey Shore spinoffs begin airing in 2013. As an aside, some people think the zombie Apocalypse will start in Canada. That is impossibility, because Canadians do not have any higher brain function (joking).

2. The Mayan's and Mayan scholars do not agree on what the end of the Mayan calendar means. Some say it signifies the end of the world, others say it is new beginning, and still others say that it was a logical end to the calendar.

There is another ancient civilization that talked about fresh springs being in the ocean, which was not proven until we invented submarines, that made many predictions of the future. That civilization is still around, whereas the Mayans is only a footnote in history, but the civilization I am talking about does not get the press the Mayan’s are currently getting.

3. The reelection of Obama/the election of a Republican or a member of the Tea Party will not trigger the apocalypse. People said the same things about Bush and Clinton, and we are still here.

4. The Rapture will not happen in 2012. If one takes the time to look around you, one would realize that God has a sense of humor. Look at your life (or mine), or the Platypus, or the fact that our sex organs are the same organs that remove waste or are located right next to them. Many different people have asked, "Who would put an amusement park next to the raw sewage plant?"

So, God, with his sense of humor, will pick any year but 2012 for the rapture. Besides, God said that no man will know when the end will come. What about a woman predicting the end time you ask? Well a woman has started a personal apocalypse with me several times, but I believe that God meant that men and women would not know the date of the rapture.

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5.Cthulhu will rise again, and soon, but it will not be the apocalypse. Cthulhu and the Old Ones have been waiting for the stars align and the time is near; however, the recent nuclear reactor problems in Japan will enable the birth of Godzilla. The ensuing battle will be epic, but Cthulhu will lose and have to pick another planet to start an apocalypse (perhaps Super Earth?). What happens to Godzilla? I really do not know, but I am sure Tokyo will be nervous.

6.Atlantis and The South will not rise again, so they cannot start the apocalypse. I actually knew a woman who was saving empty milk jugs and filling them with water. She said that when Atlantis rises, most of the United States would be flooded and would not have fresh water. She would have water because of the milk jugs and be elected leader of a new Utopia (talk about the benefits of recycling!).

In closing, Atlantis may have existed (some credited scientist believe it was Crete and its population was not very large), but most people, even people in ancient times, thought Atlantis was a fictional place. The South on the other hand, is a very real place, but has as much chance of rising again as Mullet haircuts, Disco, and Pogs.

7. The planet Nibiru does not exist (NASA had to actually tell people this), so it cannot come crashing into the planet.

8. Heavy Metal, Rap or Hip Hop, Justin Bieber, or Country Music will not cause the Apocalypse. Yes, Heavy Metal has been called the Devil’s music, Rap talks about doing drugs, killing, and women as sexual objects, and Country music when played backwards gives you back your wife, money, dog, and life back. But, the real Devil’s music is Country Yodeling (I dare you to listen to it). I f it ever becomes popular in this country, we are doomed.

9. Birds, fish, and animals dying is not a sign of the apocalypse being this year. The same phenomenon was reported in January of 2011, and we are still here; however, if you are still not convinced look at the following slide show located at http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/01/06/mass-animal-deaths-creepi_n_805311.html#s219960&title=Frog_Shower

10. Neither Tim Tebow nor Jeremy Lin will start the apocalypse. True, Tebow is making being a virgin cool again, and Lin, a player with a Taiwanese heritage, is playing lintastic. Correct, Tebow’s wins seem to defy explanation, and the puns used to describe Lin are so bad they seem to be linspired by the Devil, but neither is a sign of an upcoming apocalypse. Not long ago, the Jonas brothers were making being a virgin cool with abstinence rings and saying that a player from a Taiwanese background playing good basketball is a sign of the end is, well, silly. Almost as silly as saying that ESPN’s comment of Lin showing a chink in is armor is prejudice (not well thought out in today’s politically correct world would be the correct assumption).

In closing, I am planning to have, maybe, the greatest Christmas ever in 2012. Moreover, if I am wrong, would you really want to survive under terrible conditions when all those you loved are dead?

Comments

kait on May 04, 2014:

-_- zombies are created by witchcraft. witchcraft doesn't exist. so no zombies XD

read the definition -_-

David on March 31, 2014:

A zombie apocalypse has arted its reaching new england now so yea I live in new enland so goodbye

Megan on March 09, 2014:

I'm scared I don't want to lose my family and get eaten to death I want to die by age

Lexi on January 20, 2014:

Okay people can someone tell me the exact date im not sure if it will happen, if it does i want to be ready but what will it spread from i heard three different stories on how it will happen 1: Bath salt 2: parasites to the brain 3: an illness something phobia i can't remember the full name but it causes people to be alive without a heart beat so i kind of believe the third one the most but i don't want to look stupid posting this and it not happen not saying that i would survive but i would try to i don't want to look like i have been waiting for this my whole life but i haven't so if any one has REAL FOR SURE POSITIVE NEWS POST IT TO HERE OR WITH A COMMENT

chloe v. on October 01, 2013:

actually im ready...because i know all about how to kill them and it starts like this..:) when there is no more room in hell the living dead will walk among the earth.!

nichlas on August 29, 2013:

if you believe in this say your prayers at night and ask god to not let this happen

nichlas on August 29, 2013:

its really real believe it tell people buy weapons get protective gear we have to tell everyone the more people that know the more people are ready for it we must survive

nichlas on August 29, 2013:

i'm 9 years old turning 10 i have a ninja full tang real sword because i'm collecting weapons a mini axe a brocken staff and you pull out a sword from still have all pieces pretty much at least the blade and a display dagger pointy though and i have a full fridge still need more weapons though.

ce on July 13, 2013:

Ok zombie apocolypse is impossible cuz every one is waiting for it. So it will be rapedly killed of by trigger happy nut jobs before it spreads anywhere

richard on June 25, 2013:

im ready for because i have a gun

to shoot them in the head

Balem on May 14, 2013:

Its real if you actually care then you would do all the research i did and when you finally put it together and right an analyse you will know its going to be here soon and there are even signs of this "Zombie Apocalypse" that can occur any time but the whole RISING FROM THE DEAD THING is only a myth.

no on April 13, 2013:

Idk :/

Dawesome aog on April 05, 2013:

A9 are you sure that wasn't you're neighbors?? Ahaha

A9 on February 22, 2013:

The zombie apocolypse is official this morning i heard strange noises out my neighbourhood it was something like uuhhu it freaked me out

Alec on February 21, 2013:

I am super ready

Johnny on February 06, 2013:

I am kind of ready and super scared I hope I survive and live a long time

:(

Fgh45 on December 16, 2012:

Okay Bath salts is a Government Cover Up There Is no such thing Of Bath Salts. The Government Hides The Truth. There Is Obviously A Zombie Virus In Him Of Some Kind "Herp Derp We Found Bath Salts In His System." Lies... Anybody Who says Zombies Aren't Real Blah blah blah I Will laugh In Your Face When Zombies Are Tearing Down Your Windows.. Good Day.

Jenn on November 27, 2012:

I am so ready for the zombie apocalypse! I have a foolproof plan!

james on September 19, 2012:

does anyone really believe the apocalypse will be 2013?

Margo on July 11, 2012:

I'm scared

BJC from Florida on July 11, 2012:

LOL 0 this is also funny !! It's not even 6 in the morning so it's a wake up alright!

pmorries (author) from Golden, CO on February 26, 2012:

Yana, I thank you for your compliments, and I hope you were not insulted at my attempt at humor. Anyone who wants to read an indepth anaylsis on the subject should check out your hub. We may agree to disagree on the subject, but you really know your Mayans.

yana91 on February 26, 2012:

The end of the world! - My favorite topic! Great hub ,interesting and easy to read! Well done!

Davesworld from Cottage Grove, MN 55016 on February 25, 2012:

Personally, I am hoping to take advantage of the "End of the World" sales coming this November.

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