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My First Honey Jar: Overcoming Emotional Abuse When Someone Suddenly Leaves You for Someone Else

Andrea has a background in Myers-Briggs and Western astrology. She mostly writes about relationships.

Honey jars are used to sweeten connections and to diminish emotional pain.

Honey jars are used to sweeten connections and to diminish emotional pain.

Breakups and Healing Energy

I wouldn't exactly call what I was doing a spell. I wouldn't exactly call what I was doing witchcraft either. I had just had a break up. I was feeling like I wanted to heal that energy. I was trying to do the mature thing and to think on positivity, have joy in my life, and give this failed relationship a good sendoff.

What I ended up deciding, in my own wacky way, was to do a honey jar. Over the past few days I explored different religious and philosophical ideas. The first couple of days in the breakup I spent a lot of time journaling, making videos, and praying. And during one of the prayer moments, I actually had a panic attack. My hands were shaking. My hands were numb! I wasn't sure what to make of the situation. I went through bouts where I had so much adrenaline going through my system that I was having mental, emotional, and spiritual breakthroughs. So this wasn't a breakup; it was more of a breakthrough for me. And I decided to take a mature way out, and kill it with kindness. I decided that healing energy was what I needed all over me. I had to figure out what exactly that meant.

For the first few days, I tried meditation and binaural beats. I was led to the idea that I should try something a little more interactive. I was having a lot of dreams about this person. I could really understand what had happened to the relationship through my dreams. I actually knew when I was about to breakup because I was having dreams about people killing me, my father in particular. And then I found out that we were in Mercury Retrograde. And I had a strong feeling the end was near. And, yes, the end was near, and there was nothing I could do about it, because reality was bringing itself forward. Reality has a way of requiring itself to come forward. Truth can only hide for so long.

The tricky part about Mercury Retrograde in astrology is it is all about realness. Things that are too weak to survive won't, and this includes your relationships -- you could end up with a car breaking down, anything built on an unstable structure falls during this time. The structure that I had with this man was not right. I didn't realize it at the time, but he was still going back-and-forth to his ex-girlfriend.

I actually sent her a message on Facebook to see if they were together. This is how it ended. She said that they had gotten back together, I mean, I wasn't really sure... I think they were always together -- but they were definitely together when he moved to another state, Georgia to be exact.

So after about three weeks, I decided to try a honey jar. But I wasn't using a honey jar as a way for this person to come back to me. I wasn't intending it to be a spell. I wanted to process through my emotions and do some emotional healing.

I fully accept that he has a free will, and he can make his own decisions. But I believe that he is needing help overcoming his emotional hurts. And I believe since we are all connected together in this world, then by focusing on his healing, it will set him free.

I do not have to be back in a relationship with this person. That was not my goal. I dismissed that expectation. Would I even want him if he returned?

I do not control him to any extent. He is a free living being. But he needs help with all his emotional healing. So that's the story that I have in doing this. It may be entertaining to see how exactly I came about doing a honey jar experience. I feel like there's a lot of questions about what is the difference between a prayer and what is the difference between a spell. Prayer is a mature stance where you accept where you are in reality. Prayer is when you know that God is God, and you are his servant. You don't try to command the universe, you accept the will of it, and you hope for healing. Spells are a mastery of the elements around, a way of getting some control back, of grounding you when your anxieties have made you run every possible direction. Spells in their own way are a creative expression of some of your most intimate thoughts.

Flowers convey sweetness and represent a liminal connection, the feeling of being stuck.

Flowers convey sweetness and represent a liminal connection, the feeling of being stuck.

It Started with a Vase of Flowers

Before we broke up, I was given a vase of flowers by one of my friends. I had those flowers by my bedside. I would water them occasionally throughout those weeks. After 21 days I took the flowers out of the vase, and I left the rose water in the vase.... which it was technically a jar.

I took the flowers and put them outside. I said to the ground "I give you back these flowers back, thank you for giving them to me. And thank you for letting them do their job." What I saw in my heart with the connection here is that those flowers for 21 days had been absorbing my emotions.

That rosewater knew how I had felt. It had absorbed the essence of what was going on in my room. It absorbed what was happening in my mind when I was having my dreams. Roses have a high-frequency meant for healing. Anyway, it had connected to me, so I left it in the jar.

Then I went and bought some high-priced honey. When I came home I listened to some instrumental music. I listened to rain, and I listened to anything beautiful that I could find. I wrote on a piece of paper the person's name and 21 words that I felt were positive about the person. There had to be something good that I connected to in him. I still wanted to believe that the part of me that recognized that there's something good was true. I think it's important to remember that there had to be something in all of that that you were willing to see romantically. And maybe you had rose colored glasses on while it was happening, but you should pray for their positivity. You want people to be benevolent spirits.

After sitting and pondering these things, I asked in my mind where I felt like I was still connecting and still had a relationship, a place deep in my head. I asked him if he would be willing to except a honey treatment. And when I felt that I had gotten a, "Yes, I'm willing to try this," I poured the honey into the jar. Then I stuck the piece of paper with the words folded over and taped to keep the paper sealed into the honey. I also kissed the piece of paper for good luck.

I sat there quietly and prayed over the piece of paper. I prayed over the honey jar. I prayed that this person would be brought to God and into the protection of his white light. I prayed that he will be healed, and that the right version of himself be licensed to live. I prayed that he would no longer harm people, that he would see people as safe.

I was frantically praying that he would overcome his emotional blocks. I prayed that he would no longer feel emotionally congested. I felt that he has the chance to be a benevolent person, a great leader, and someone who really cares about the hearts of others. I really sat there and tried to focus on that instead of the pain that I may have felt three weeks ago... when he broke my heart.

When your heartbreaks, you're full of toxic energy that has to be released. There's a reason why you're having a breakup, and it's because you are already feeling that toxic energy. All kinds of fluids had to come out of my body. I was not able to eat food; I had lost my appetite. I went through several panic attacks and insomnia.

One of my work friends sat down and talked to me for a few hours, and she was able to really help me focus on the maturity of myself. How am I going to take this breakup? Do I really care about people or do I only care about my ego? The truth is in how you set your attitude when you encounter a breakup.

Coming to a honey jar is all about your attitude.

When you look at something like the Bible or other religious texts, a lot of times people in the Bible are using tactics that you would associate with witches. The reason that there's a difference is because of the angle that the person is using to address their subject.

For instance, in Exodus, Moses was seen as a great sorcerer because his power of command was greater than the actual sorcerers of the Egyptian court. The same with Jesus. People thought that he was a magician because he was raised in Egypt, so people figured that the tactics he used came from a magical standpoint. God decided the strength for him, not Christ himself.

So I think I was trying an experiment here on a religious path of: what happens if you apply your religious perspective of Christianity, or maybe being a Nazarite, and you pour that over... a honey jar? What kind of conclusion will this make?

Honey jars are simple spells with the overall goal to help you ease the burden of psychic pain.

Honey jars are simple spells with the overall goal to help you ease the burden of psychic pain.

The Honey Jar

Day one of interacting with the honey jar and respecting it for what it represented was easy. I felt like I could relate to this person and in a softer way, which I think was the intent that I really wanted. I didn't want to harbor negative energy for myself. I didn't want to end this in anger, jealousy, and unresolved feelings. I wanted to take this chance to build my own closure and a pathway to a cure.

The second day with the honey jar, I took some chances and prayed with it. I tried to connect with where it was needing healing. I am a classically trained singer, so I actually sat there and asked what kind of song is it that you are trying to sing?

And eventually I was led to this idea of Kyrie Elison. Which is essentially Latin for "have mercy on me, God." So I got on YouTube and started playing anything with the title. I looked up scripture that was connected to that phrase, which has to do with John 13:13 and Romans 9:15.

Online articles said that this is usually a song for a mass, especially during Lent or Advent. I decided at that point I would continue this process until we hit Advent, which was in December. I felt like that was a good time to process the honey jar, the symbol that stood for the person who I wanted to resolve all the negative energy.

I figured that even if I was just processing and using this experiment for myself, I would learn to be more comfortable with reality and allow myself to experiment in an abstract manner. I think it's important as adults to play like this. I think sometimes we get so lost in really basic things. We tend to hold onto the wrong things and forget to express our real selves.

But this my friends is where things took a very gross turn.

I'm writing to you as honest as possible, but at this part, with a chorus of jesters and humor You see when I left the honey jar for an hour that second day, and I came back, fleas had come to the honey jar for the rose water. And what's worse is that there were worms, tiny little white worms in the jar. I was disgusted that I had this gross jar in my room where I slept and have my own private thoughts. I wasn't 100% sure what to do with the jar at that point, but I picked it up and put it in the freezer. I decided that since this person has iced me out, I could understand it better by doing the same.

And maybe they have a good point for why they needed to ice me out.

Because if I'm going to kill these worms, this toxic energy, I'm going to have to put it in the fridge. If I were to boil the honey, I could destroy it completely. The next day I removed those little worms from the ice.

I put them on a frying pan.

And I put alcohol in the pan.

And I turned up the heat, put a little fire on it, and I killed the worms. I killed as many as I could possibly find. And then I took a picture of this guy -- who I used to kiss -- and I slid it into the cold jar. I looked at myself, and I said "This still needs to be in the freezer, because I don't know if there are little worms still in it, but I have to kill all of them. I cannot progress forward and think about what to do emotionally here until those toxic critters have been terminated."

I left the honey jar in the freezer where it could go to a place of no energy.

There is deep importance in the "no contact rule" when you breakup: it is to remove all the toxic energy. You must move on to create new energy. If you go back to your partner too soon, you will still have that unresolved miasma, and therefore you will break again.

But if you allow the breakup to go to a place of no energy, where it has to get cold, where it has to kill out the toxic parts.... you have a better chance of reviving it. You can't revive something unless it's already dead.

You can't return to somebody if the original relationship hasn't died. This is part of what you have to do, so leaving it in the freezer is what I felt the honey jar instructed.

I figured at the very least, this would give me a metaphor for why he iced me.

The Weeks to Follow

I ended up going on vacation a few days later. I didn't want to leave the jar in my fridge when my cat sitter would be staying at my house. I thought this would be an awkward experience if she opened the freezer and found a jar with a man's photo covered in honey. It's not something I wanted to explain. I was upset that day that I removed the jar from the ice. I had heard something at work and thought maybe he had tried dating other women at the same time... and that I caught another one of them. I'm not sure why I decided to take things to this level, but I went into my closet with a knife, and I yelled at the jar. I figured this was just between me and the jar. No one else was going to care. I yelled about how he had hurt me, how I wished that he would remove the knife from his own problems and start dating out of a proper set of criteria, I yelled about his underdeveloped emotions. For all the yelling, I had a profound amount of mature things to say. It's like yelling at the universe and saying thank you for having quantum mechanics and string theory. You're just yelling to be loud.

I decided I'd let the honey jar be out for awhile, but I was worried that other worms or critters would approach the jar, so I wrapped it up in foil, wrapped a scarf around it, and put it in a box... then another box. I taped it over, and lit some sage on fire. I have to be honest and say I really don't know what I'm doing. I think expressing myself and doing this creative project is soothing. I may also have been struggling with the bizarre gap you find yourself in when you break up, and you lose that emotional and physical support. I placed a black scarf over the box, and put the burnt sage on a bowl over it. I figured -- there's no way critters are getting into this now. I can let the honey and rose water do their charm. I put it in another box and hoped to high heaven that my cat sitter wouldn't go lurking through my house and find the mysterious box. I figured at the very least she wasn't going to bust open two boxes. I was worried the box would end up smelling, that was mostly my concern and that she would investigate out of curiosity.

Yeah, honey jars can be a predicament. While I was away, I had a lot of time to myself in hotels and flying planes. It was a nice break from work and the daily grind. I thought about my broken relationship a lot, and my mind was full of thoughts of him. There was a lot more unresolved questions that I had. I even had a life like dream about him where I thought I could feel him and even hear him talking to me. I spent time at one hotel by myself before meeting with friends just cleansing myself. I used all the hotel bathroom products and spent a long time washing my hair and body. I really wanted to refresh myself and let go. I didn't want to be distracted by these thoughts anymore, and I was needing an outlet to be positive. Throughout my entire trip to England, thoughts would creep up about him.

There were times I felt like he was right there with me. That I could figure out what he was thinking about me. I felt like his gaze was on me and he was missing me. I figure most of this was in my imagination -- if, of course, not all of it. While wandering one city close to Wales, I found out many of my ancestors had lived there: it was the town of my clan, essentially. There was a large cathedral that I spent some time exploring, and it hit me pretty hard that I might somehow have family that was connected to it. The place was gorgeous, I almost teared up by the beauty of it, and all the dedicated people had given to God. I felt keenly aware of my surroundings. I remember walking down one street and saying that I knew witchcraft was a part of it, to end up finding a magic shop. I knew exactly how to get to the Cathedral without a GPS. My friends and I made wishes at a fountain, and looking back, I think there was something special about finding this place that my family likely is connected to hundreds of years ago.

The next day I spent time in Wales, and while riding the trains I couldn't stop thinking about my ex. I wrote a lot of poetry and was inspired by the imagery of the area. All the green fields, tunnels, and gray skies were a source of inspiration for me, and were helpful in solving my thoughts on who I had previously dated. The more time I spent with friends, the more I felt like I was able to separate from the thoughts and move forward. I was starting to get comfortable with the idea of coming out of my own personal cocoon. I had wanted to hide in my home after the breakup, and now a month later -- I was ready to explore the world again with a more open mind.

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Upon arriving at home, I found the honey jar box wasn't touched, there was no indication of break-in from critters. I decided to spend the next few days resting and preparing for a tough work schedule ahead. I wasn't sure what I would want with the honey jar.

I prayed a few days later that all the negative energy in his life would be removed and he could live more as the person he is intended to be. I really want to focus on bringing positivity instead of negativity -- I wouldn't hit as hard again as the time I yelled at the jar. I remembered that the only thing that defines us is benevolence, and I believe God is real, infinite, organic, and living. I believe Jesus Christ as savior, so my hope is for the release of negative energy. We often don't want to repent of the negative energy we bring into this world, but whether you are cutting psychic cords or reflecting on sin -- repentance is something you should do daily in order to go forward with benevolence.

I'm not sure what I'll do with this prayer honey jar. I may let it sit in my closet and not disturb it anymore. I may pour it out and say, I'm sorry if I have done wrong here. I'm sorry if this was an act of manipulation. I respect that my ex is a living being and I wish for good things to come to him.

In projects like these, it's important to journal your thoughts and experiences.

In projects like these, it's important to journal your thoughts and experiences.

Emotional Haunting

Honey jar aside, I stopped talking to my honey left in the closet. I have felt a strong connection to my old flame. I have had vivid dreams about him, daydreams, especially when I'm relaxed. I've been trying to hang out with my friends, in an effort to move on. All of a sudden I'll have thoughts about making out and his hands on my body. I'm trying not to look at his Facebook profile or anything directly from him. I figure my thoughts will eventually run out of steam, so I just let these day visions run their course. I thought I did really well not to think about him, until I fell asleep and had a whole dream about him coming back to win me over, or explain his actions, or manipulate me into something. It's taken a couple of months of shock and denial to recognize the emotional toll this connection had on me. He was jealous, lied, cheated, and dishonest. I'm not even sure why I let this happen for so long. I rarely date and my intuition usually kicks in and protects me well before I connect with someone prone to hurting another. I want to cleanse the connection. I need to move on. I may end up pouring the honey out in my backyard as a symbol to let go and release. I still believe in curing the energy, whatever that really means.

I have so many questions about what is energy. I know my soul is made of energy, emotions are essentially the energy coursing through your veins. Our own blood pressure can tell us when we are angry, tears for sadness, and dilated pupils for arousal. I don't just exist in the emotions. I have thoughts dancing on top of it, my own rational. I wish I understood more about this universe, why energy moves the way it does, why energy reacts the way it does. I spoke with a healer once who told me life's answers are frequently in physics. I didn't understand her at the time, but she's right. It all boils down to energy. I'm hoping somehow a honey jar cleanses energy, makes it sweeter, and ultimately resolves the broken parts.

I feel like I can talk to this man even though he moved miles away... I feel like I can talk directly to his head, and it makes little to any sense to me. I know we are all made of energy and are connected in this world by energy. Maybe there's a way to send him signals even if it's not through a phone. I have more of a battery to me as a human than a phone or computer -- so why couldn't I send signals? What are the real limitations of being human besides a short lifespan? Maybe if we lived and aged slower we'd be too powerful, albeit corrupt.

If I sit around saying and sending thank you messages, I feel like I can open up and understand his energy better than if I were to send hateful, upset messages. I read somewhere that trying to send negative messages isn't as strong, and often backfires and sticks to yourself. I'm not sure the relationship I had was based on love, I think it may have unfortunately been lust. He said he wanted more of a connection, he said he was pushing for me but it wasn't there, and he said he felt a better connection for his ex. Maybe these are things I need to just accept, but there's this itching feeling deep down inside that this man is going to return. It could just be confirmation bias. It could be me trying to fill in the mental gap. I haven't spoken to him in almost two months, way longer of a space than when we'd ever be talking. When somebody suddenly leaves, especially when parts of your relationship are on a high note -- it makes for a strange dissonance. It's difficult to teach the brain that the emotions you are feeling, the highs and lows, are all from one person. You keep missing their kisses, but you haven't forgot how they left you. You keep missing being next to them, but you haven't forgotten they spent time with someone else while budding a romance with you.

I spend somedays in solitude, sweeping through my hermit ways. Then I have the chance to deluge into a social coxcomb. I'm fortunate to have friends. I'm better at finding social networks and engaging in that than developing a romantic relation, at least that's what my history proves. I think this coming week I'll try talking to the honey jar and see if something different happens to my psyche. I haven't honestly spoke to it since before I left to go to England. Is this some kind of coping strategy? Is this some kind of imaginative way to deal with feelings?

From what I can tell, the furthest back you go on the history of honey jar spells, is with Hoodoo. It's African American folk magic. Also known as "conjure", "rootworking", "root doctoring", or "working the root." This developed from a number of West African spiritual traditions and beliefs. But in all honesty, this invention has been used across the world and is ancient. So why anthropologically are we drawn to doing this? I'm not sure if this process is rooted in magic, folklore, or science. I'm not sure if it's just natural to think of your old flame, I believe so, or if I've created some kind of rift that's causing me to reflect on it too much.

I'm going to do what I can to meditate on these thoughts and see what happens next. I ask for clean energy, purity, hope, and peace. I think spells fizzle out by negativity, but I don't know much about this.

Several Months and Moons Later

I have released the energy in the box. I hide the honey jar in foil, wrapped in a scarf, and three boxes. It haunted me at times in these months where I pressed myself to move on, to see this man as the atrocity he really is -- someone who messes not only with your body, but your mind. He made me think he had a real genuine interest in me, but you don't cut people and run into the arm's of someone else if you actually love someone.

I lit a candle, listened to Welsh music as I pulled the tape off the boxes. As I opened the final box, the smell of honey and rose water was overwhelming. The scarf was crispy from the jar. There was no more honey in the jar. It had evaporated. His picture hardly damaged. Just a few spots where I had forced it into the jar, barely any color or age. The two notes, one still quite legible. The paper-lines damaged by the water. The other note, so tightly taped, it was impossible to open without ruining. A series of words everywhere. The reasons I liked him. I ripped the letter with the seal I made. I gingerly took these items outside and built a fire. I put the photograph on top. I slowly watched the picture catch on fire and melt. It went from the corner inward to his face. Slowly moving to his chin, slowly taking over his face, leaving behind his forehead. My fire was having a hard time completely consuming these items, so I mixed the last tiny pieces into ashes on the ground.

I release this man and his story from me. He is no longer included in my story. It is finished. I sent the old boxes to recycling. This energy, none of it belongs to me. I give it back to the planet freely. The planet helped me find this person, now I give it all back.

He is married now. He married the woman he returned back to, and in under a year. No calls. No texts when he abruptly ended it. One day someone is staring into your eyes calling you beautiful, he holds you as you sleep, and he promises he wouldn't give up on you when you or someone you love is sick. That he is not that kind of person.

But he was. He was that kind of person to just leave and drop you.

I no longer want to think of that box sitting in my closet, with its mysterious scent of sage, honey, and roses. I no longer want him coming into my dreams, though these have stopped since he moved her across several states to be with him back in January. I remember when I had an anxiety attack I dreamed of him vividly telling me I needed to care about my health and I was going too far with work. I vividly remember a dream of him kissing me. Some of these dreams were angry, other times I could see the hidden feelings in them. I know this is all crazy, but I really do think I was visited in my dreams. At some point, this telepathic connection ended. I'll never forget the Chicago dream where he said he is just waiting for me to realize -- realize what? This is just a dream. Is it?

I am cleansing this away from me. I'm no longer going to stalk him on Facebook. I am no longer going to dig down into the depths to find out what wrong, why he left me, or what I did wrong. He hurt me. That's the story. He knowingly hurt me because he is too into his own agenda, too controlling, and too selfish to see me as a human being, flesh and blood, real with real heartfelt emotions.

My biggest regret is holding onto this for too long. I wasted so much time on this person. I internalized it more than him. He couldn't read my emotions because they were hidden in the closet. I was the one who was more serious about the connection, because I did the emotional homework, I did the introspection. It was internalized and living in my heart. I'm a deeply sensitive, spiritual soul and our expectations, our visions of reality and the connection didn't match.

So, goodbye honey jar. Thank you for being a vessel for me to pour my thoughts into, thank you for being a reflective device, thank you for the times I poured out my heart, my voice, and my softer thoughts on you. I've split you to pieces. I've given you up, and these materials are free to be in their next role.

I held onto this energy to understand it, to cope with the loss, to grow as a human being. It's better for it to turn into ashes than be bottled up and hidden. A kiss isn't just a kiss, but can be felt deeply. When I kissed you for the third time, I saw her face. I knew where your heart was. I knew you had been with her, and for whatever reason turned to me in that same weekend. I would love to see that weekend played before me. I would love to see what really happened on her side.

This is a lesson in listening to my gut. There are truths out there that can be sensed with your intuition. You don't have to go down a dangerous road with a person who will abuse you. You can trust yourself to step away. You can be like me and pull the plug, then take those bizarre, adrenaline soaked emotions and shove them down into a honey jar. You can spend days talking out loud about what you felt happened, you can sit there in your bathtub thinking the one who used to love you is a wreck. Did they ever love you? It doesn't matter. Don't care about it anymore.

Goodbye. May your heart be free from abuse.


Instant HelpOngoing HelpRecovery

Call abuse hotline

Schedule time with a counselor

Spend time with friends and family

Stop talking to the person who hurt you

Find a support group, even an online one

Focus on what you love: work, find new hobbies, find new places to go

Pamper yourself: take a bath, clean your house, new look

Journal your thoughts privately

Nourish new and healthier connections

Take time out for yourself, don't let your sad emotions get in the way of your life

Eat healthy, sleep better

Express yourself through creative arts: take poetry, learn to play an instrument, read a book

Write out a letter, but don't send it to your abuser

Take 30 minutes to focus on it, then set it aside and go on with your day. Take more time if you need

Remove things that remind you of your ex from your home

Call someone you trust

Call someone you trust

Call someone you trust

© 2017 Andrea Lawrence


Same situation on October 09, 2018:


Very interesting and honest article. I hope you find yourself in that free place you desire very soon.

I’m in a similar situation and I was just wondering what star sign this man you are weiting about had?

Andrea Lawrence (author) on November 16, 2017:

Well, of course getting over is the answer. ;) But that is a whole process in and of itself.

Maria Cecilia from Philippines on October 19, 2017:

about this hub, yeah what a creative way to probably cope a break up, but the most important thing is getting over...

Andrea Lawrence (author) on October 18, 2017:

Glad you have found me! This is honestly one of the stranger things I have wrote for HubPages. You may want to try some more outside of it.

Maria Cecilia from Philippines on October 17, 2017:

Hi I was just reading your profile and about to follow you when I saw this article and the woman in the photo, she is my favorite actress Ha Jiwon and I also notice one interesting facts about korean drama. You will be on my reading lists and I will be clicking follow right after this post.

Andrea Lawrence (author) on July 15, 2017:

Thank you, Larry! And thank you for being such a consistent reader. It keeps my spirit up.

Andrea Lawrence (author) on July 15, 2017:

I appreciate the feedback. I hope all is well in your corner of the earth.

Ed Palumbo from Tualatin, OR on July 14, 2017:

A breakup is an unsettling experience, especially when unexpected. I think you've addressed the topic well.

Larry Rankin from Oklahoma on July 13, 2017:

Breakups are among the most painful experiences in life. Interesting perspective.

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