Carola is a Christian writer and author of several books. She writes about Christian living, relationships, and other related topics.
Mary (not her real name), a Christian acquaintance, impresses me in some ways. She could be kind, very generous, and willing to give her time to worthy causes.
I have always wanted to get to know her better, but she always seems to keep me at a distance. It is as if she put up a wall every time I tried to get to know her. At times, she could be rude or ignore me when I tried to initiate a conversation. She seemed to be suspicious of me, as if I was out to get her. A cloud of negativity skewed her perceptions of me.
Her hostility hurts my feelings, for I have not done anything that I know of that would make her distrust me. I did discover recently that because of some life experiences, Mary found it difficult to trust people. She longs to be connected, but her trust issues got in the way.
Like Mary, we long to be in healthy relationships with others. Trust is a human need that all of us seek in our relationships. When our trust is violated, we feel terrible emotional anguish and anger, even though the world tells us to expect it.
Reasons We Do Not Trust People
When we don’t trust, we may be:
- Acting on our own insecurities and misperceptions
- Living in suspicion and constant anxiety
- Expecting that other people are going to hurt us or let us down
- On the defensive, expecting a verbal attack
- Worrying that someone in a relationship with us is going to reject us and leave us to face the world alone
- Are sure that people will discover and blab our secrets, causing us deep humiliation and shame
- Living in fear that we won’t be able to handle the betrayal of our trust emotionally
In today’s society, we are taught to distrust everyone and everything. We get phone calls, messages, and emails every day that try to scam us. Thieves phish for our personal information so that they can rip off our identities and go on a spending spree. So-called religious people try to persuade us to join destructive cults. If we are single or widowed, cunning charmers will try to steal our hearts and then our money.
Then there are people we consider friends who will turn our backs on us. In school, they will reject us because we are not cool enough to be with them. They may also blab our secrets and laugh at our dreams behind our backs. They lie, cheat, and manipulate people to get what they want.
When Someone Betrays Us
What do we do when someone betrays our trust? First of all, we should not be surprised. Human beings are weak – men may stray from their wives, co-workers won’t do the work they promised to finish, and friends may spill our secrets. We can’t control what they do. We can, however, control how we react to their hurtful actions.
God understands that life is sometimes unfair, and people can be untrustworthy. We are going to suffer because people have broken faith with us, sometimes through no fault of our own. God expects us to endure these situations patiently (1 Peter 2:20). If we pray and ask Him for help, God gives us the strength to overcome the hurts of broken trust.
Healing a Broken Trust
A state of distrust is harmful to our emotional health. Here are some steps we can take to healing the fallout of broken trust.
Trust Begins with God
God is the only one in the universe who can be fully trusted. He keeps his promises to us if we ask Him. When we learn to trust God, the door opens for us to trust others. It is better to trust in God rather than men (Psalm 118:8). People will let us down from time to time.
Face Our Hurt
We must acknowledge the emotional pain that the betrayal has caused. We cannot heal until we face it. We can manage whatever emotions comes because God will support us through it.
Forgive the Perpetrator
Forgiving the person who violated our trust helps us let go of the wounds and pain their betrayal caused. We may be tempted to hold a grudge and seek revenge, but retaliating will hurt us more in the long run than hurt them. We may not fully trust them again, but we are free to have a healthy relationship with them.
Go to the Perpetrator and Talk It Out
This is a step that most people avoid, keeping them stuck in resentment and unforgiveness. Talking helps us unload all the negative emotions swirling inside us. When we speak to the person, we may get information that makes their betrayal easier to bear.
Jesus said that if we are offended by a brother, we should go and be reconciled with our brother (Matthew 5:23-24). When we do, we must tread carefully, acting in love rather than anger. However, some people would not be open to talking about issues. This kind of confrontation should not be attempted if doing so puts us in danger of a physical or verbal attack.
People reap what they sow eventually (Galatians 6:7). We can’t allow ourselves to fret about what offenders are doing (Psalm 37:1-3). We need to put them out of our thought life and let God handle their lying, deceit, and betrayal. We have enough daily troubles of our own to deal with.
Take Time to Restore Trust
It will take some time to rebuild trust and re-establish a relationship. The Bible says that someone who has been offended is harder to be won than a strong city (Proverbs 18:19). We can love the person, enabling us to believe and bear all things (1 Corinthians 13:7). Love will keep us from the negative emotions that come with distrust.
It is OK to be cautious in our dealings with the person. We should prove all things first (1Thessalonians 5:21) and not just blindly accept that the person may have changed. Some people may never fully regain our trust, but as God has entended mercy and grace to us, we can do the same to them. We can then enjoy the benefits of a relationship without resentment and emotional pain.
Learning to Trust Others
The Bible tells us to do good unto others whenever we have the opportunity and to think well of them (Galatians 6:10). This does not mean that we just blindly go ahead and tell strangers all our secrets. Trust has certain levels, and people must earn their way up.
It is possible to give people the benefit of the doubt. That way we avoid feelings of resentment and unforgiveness. If people are totally untrustworthy, they deserve our pity and mercy, not our contempt.
Trust Issues With Church Leadership
We Christians want to believe that our church leaders are trustworthy and are crushed when they don't live up to our expectations. We must extend the same forgiveness and mercy we do to others, but If church leaders continue in their positions, we face a difficult decision. Can these church leaders be trusted to lead me into a deeper relationship with God and teach me how to live a Christian life? If the answer is no, it may be time to find another church.
Trust Issues in Ministries
Church ministries provide a wonderful place for us to serve, grow spiritually, and build relationships with others. We may become close to the people with whom we serve. However, trust issues can subtly taint and eventually damage church ministries if they are allowed to fester.
Signs of Trust Issues in Ministry Leaders:
- A frenzied need to control everything that goes on in the ministry because others can not be trusted to do things right
- Defensiveness and an inability to accept constructive criticism because they fear getting hurt
- Being suspicious and critical of their team members
- Blaming team members for the leader’s own lack of trust, even though the team has not done anything wrong
- resenting people who have broken their trust in the past
Ministry Team members’ Reactions to the Lack of Trust:
- Team resentment against their leaders because they feel they don’t deserve the leader’s distrust
- Discouragement because of the negative environment
- Anxiety that the leader will pounce and accuse them of something
- Quitting the ministry, and sometimes not serving in that area again
- Leaving the church to look for a more positive environment
People can really hurt us when they lie, cheat, manipulate, gossip about us, or break our trust in other ways. Taking the steps to healing can help us overcome our distrust and restore our relationships.
The Holy Bible, New International Version
© 2013 Carola Finch
Edwin Alcantara from California on April 25, 2019:
Thanks for the article. I've struggled with this same issue of trusting others.
growingword on August 23, 2017:
Great article. Excellent work!
Jane from Uk on July 20, 2017:
Enjoyed this hub and although I have had trust issues with people in my life I have to think how trustworthy am I? I certainly haven't been the perfect Christian, so I try to forgive and love others esteeming them better than myself. I know that this is not easy to do but the alternative is to grow bitter and resentful and not exhibit the fruits of the spirit.
Michael Ajayi from Nigeria on July 19, 2017:
Impressive and a catching article. Im inspired by it. Thank you
Also check me out
Hilda Akita from Accra on April 21, 2017:
Great article. Very detailed too
Goldberry12 on November 28, 2016:
I know this is a pretty old article but I thought it was good!
I have trust issues but I can't tell which came first, in my situation, the chicken or the egg...
I have an introverted personality type and legitimately prefer being by myself to being with people which naturally leads to a less active social life.
I also have a looong history of being snubbed, excluded, laughed at and lied about but I have also had some great friends in between that made me go, "ah it's not that big of a deal."
Anyway, people's unkindness has become a bigger and bigger deal for me lately and at the moment I haven't got a single "friend," I've alienated everyone or else they've alienated me and it makes my old social circles very uncomfortable. I know this probably isn't healthy and yes I know that I'm harboring lot of resentment but when I try to adjust myself I just don't feel motivated by a need for connection...
So I can't decide if my friendless state is caused by bitterness and trust issues or by my personality. Any input, anyone?
Dana Tate from LOS ANGELES on September 24, 2015:
I used to be very trusting and got hurt alot by other people. When I examined myself, I learned that I put my hope in others and expected them to reciprocate the kindness that was given to them. Although that's nice- it's not realistic. Many people have issues- even us chrishtians. Now I've learned to use discernment before I leap into anything. When most christians have trust issues, it's because they are harboring a lot of unforgiveness that they have not given to God; they have not healed, and even if they are very active in ministry work, they are still not practicing what they are trying to teach.
victor from India on September 24, 2015:
When we're betrayed by someone whom we trusted most, causes a deeper hurt and resistance to trust someone else similarly. We can't trust anyone as we can trust God. Secondly, to some extend, depending on the trustworthiness of others we can trust them.
I learned that we should love all, but trust a few -- if they are trustworthy.
Any have, it's a great article with deeper insight.
Rosualdo Ponce from Gawad Kalinga Village Ticad, Bantayan, Cebu, Philippines on January 27, 2015:
Great hub, full of insights. Anyone will experience betrayal, as Jesus had experience, because the sinful will wage war all the time and will take advantage on the weakness of the flesh. When we experience this thing, God's word and God's love will the only possible weapon to overcome. Believer's task is not only to love those who love them, but also those who do evil to them. Thanks for this hub, God bless you.
mothersofnations on October 08, 2014:
Another great article! Thank you bringing to light the issue in churches and ministries. Revelation of the Word is so important so that the enemy cannot cause confusion. As the body of Christ, we must live like the body. Where there is true love, there will always be compassion, respect and honesty, among other virtuous qualities. God bless you.
Voted up and shared!
mothersofnations on October 08, 2014:
Another great article! Thank you for bringing this to light. Voted up and shared! God bless you...
Carola Finch (author) from Ontario, Canada on December 28, 2013:
I think that forgiveness is not easy for anyone, Christian or not. I have written several hubs on bitterness and forgiveness that deal with these topics.
Robert E Smith from Rochester, New York on December 27, 2013:
Truth be told, Christians really do not forgive easily and some never do. They merely push hurts to the back of their mind and don't speak of them. By thus convincing others the hurts don't exist they ignore the dangerous growing hoard of unforgiven hurts. This leads to bitterness in them grows. Mistrust will soon fester the efforts to love and rot happens from the inside out. Forgiveness means that the hurt has been given to a God that in their mind is strong enough to deal with it and keep count. The forgiving person thus is not burdened to hoard and "care for" the hurts to their own detriment.
Carola Finch (author) from Ontario, Canada on July 23, 2013:
Thanks for your comments. Sorry, Jennifer, that you are getting hit - I have been there. Trust issues are so hard to deal with. Thanks for the info as well. It donesn't matter how many times I go over hubs, there is always some booboo that I miss. One of the advantages of being in reovery from breast cancer is that I can blame my mistakes on "chemo brain!"
Dora Weithers from The Caribbean on July 23, 2013:
Great article! "God is the only one in the universe that can be fully trusted. . . When we learn to trust God, the door opens for us to trust others." We need a supernatural input in order to trust. Thanks for tackling this issue.
Jennifer Suchey on July 23, 2013:
Excellent hub. I've always been an especially trusting person by nature, as well as forgiving. Lately I've been hit by a tsunami by a few different people, which causes me to wonder if there's a person on the planet I can actually trust anymore. I know I can and should.
By the way, you're missing a space in this sentence: The Bible tells us to do good unto others whenever we have the opportunity (Galatians 6:10) and tothink well of them.
I wish people would tell me when I have typos, so I do it for others. ;)
Take care and thanks for the hub.