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For Real Life (Flowing)

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Jakayla obtained her MSW degree from the University of Central Florida. Jakayla is a realist with wings.

for-real-life-flowing

Ebb...

If you have read the first article it is possible that you are saying to yourself “clearly this woman has never been through anything”. Can I share with you?

I have suffered in my mind for as long as I can remember. No, I did not and do not have a bad life, in fact I have been very blessed. In spite of that, for most of my life until God hid me and changed me (being all perfect and magnificent and great like He Is) I did not like who I was. I was very unhappy with the personality that I have. In my childhood I was even very unhappy with the way I looked. I wanted everyone to love me because I really did love them, but I never learned how to love myself that same way.

I know now, even though my love was genuine, I really wanted people to love me back so that I could actually feel the love. I loved God in my heart but what was missing was love for myself. I could not figure out that part for the life of me… literally. It was very uncomfortable for me not to like my own self, I did not want to be myself yet, I was myself.

Am I good enough? Yes, I am.

— Michelle Obama

...and Flow

I knew my parents loved me but my thoughts and emotions often clouded my ability to actually receive the love I knew others had for me. I realize now that this was a form of childhood trauma. Subconsciously, I learned very early that you continually push towards the next mark and that mistakes lead to punishment. This (along with my own negative thoughts) lead me into a deep cycle of self-rejection and low self-worth.

I have two amazing parents who were very present in my life and loved me more than anything else, and still do. I am immensely grateful for them both. Dr. Nicole Lepara reminded me that our parents do the best they can with what they have in their bags from their own childhood traumas. It is our responsibility as adults to reparent ourselves as she suggests, and give ourselves whatever we may have missed emotionally or otherwise.

I had to learn (through some very uncomfortable experiences) that I have to be who I am. More beautifully I learned that I am allowed to be who I am. I learned early in my childhood and not just from my parents, that being myself may result in other people misunderstanding me or what I viewed as rejecting me. I hated that feeling. I hated even just the thought of rejection. So much so, that I was afraid of ever having to feel it. I just wanted to be accepted by everyone.

for-real-life-flowing

It Was...

By the time I was forced to get it together, I was so afraid of myself and the future that I thought someone was gonna die. Seriously, I thought me or my family or someone would die because I couldn’t figure out how to love and accept myself. And that thought scared me really bad.

Then I got bold one day after a while of listening to some teachings, reading the Word and listening to some good music. And I said “I am going to be myself”. I started to pray some crazy prayers, like really bold ones. And at first, because it is how I learned to live, I was praying for everyone but myself. I was praying for my family, for friends, and for humanity. I even started praying for those who misunderstood me because I loved them too. And I believe God was pleased with that.

But He began to challenge my heart because I was still very unhappy. I had joy but I was not happy. I loved others but still could not give that love to myself, I simply did not know how. I am not mad at myself for not knowing how. Over time I grew to believe in the fear that threatened my heart and it caused me to reject myself, abuse myself, and eventually dislike myself. If you ask me, it was evil. But God decided it was finished.

Do I change myself? Do I ask people to help me change? Do I just hope one day everyone will love me how I want them to? It was crazy talk I know, the thoughts are mean, let me tell you. I finally spoke to my Holy Spirit about this and I said what do you want me to do? He asked me to accept myself. I said ok God, that is cool and all but I tried that a few times and it has not worked out for me. I do not believe (these were my exact words, smh) that I can do that. He said "ok bet, then you won’t, no worries." All cool like that, like he just gave me some great news or something. I was frustrated with Him, with myself, with other people and I just cried for a while cause what else was I gonna do, ya know? And by a while I mean a few days.. or weeks :).

...For Me

He asked me to start writing love letters and letters of forgiveness to myself. He started asking me to write down what I really wanted from Him. He asked me to note what was morally important to me. He asked me all kinds of stuff. The difference between what he asked me to do and what I previously decided to do was where my focus was.

At first, I was determined that I was going to just go love and be myself, under my own strength… which I had none. God Himself on the other hand, asked me to tell him what I wanted Him to do, in his power… which he owns it all. So at first I just wrote, I didn’t read them after I wrote because I liked just releasing it... I was still afraid of myself.

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