Theophanes is a New-England-based blogger, traveler, writer, photographer, sculptor, and lover of cats.
I got into a rather strange discussion the other day with my boyfriend about who inhabits heaven.
“I thought all the good people go to Heaven.” He said, to which I replied, “Only the boring ones.”
“What about Da Vinci?”
“What about Galileo?”
“Bi-sexual frequenter of whores.”
“Oh come on, now you’re not even trying.”
“First rock star…. He probably had a different woman every night.”
The thirty names he listed after this fit under the gay category. Just because we’re a heterosexual couple doesn’t mean we don’t like to support talented gays. In any event we went through a very long list. This wasn’t the first time I had thought about it. As a girl I looked up to the scientifically minded and the utterly cantankerous. Most of them were atheists so they must be in Hell… H L Mencken, my favorite misanthrope, Aldous Huxley and the rest of the glorious Huxley family, George Carlin the funniest comedian ever, and Dante! Well Dante practically invented the place.
So if everyone who actually believes in science or has any artistic talent whatsoever is in Hell, who is in heaven? Serial killers of course! David Berkowitz, Jeffrey Dahmer, Ed Kazinski… oh yeah, they’ve all begged Jesus for forgiveness so they’re cool. They’re up there living the high life, probably hunting angels or something. And who else can we expect? Well I presume a lot of pedophile priests… I mean if you’re a priest that’s got to be a free pass or something… and there seems to be a lot of the buggars who just coincidentally happen to be pedophiles. And then there are esteemed individuals who carry both credits of being child fuckers and a serial killer like Wayne Hobbs, the child rapist that went on a 12 state killing spree and claimed to have killed 127 of the sweet little plums. He let Jesus into his heart literally only a few minutes before he was executed by the state.
So that’s the choice? You can go to heaven and hope you’re merely plunked into a neighborhood next to Maude Flanders and not some nasty child molesting old man oooor go to Hell where all the sane, logical, and talented people are…. Hmmm. Decisions, decisions.
If you liked this article you may also appreciate Popes Gone Wild; What the Catholic Church Would Rather You Forget.
More from this Author:
Catching Marbles - A New England based travel blog
Tales from the Birdello - For all homesteading and farming matters
Deranged Thoughts from a Cluttered Mind - For funny personal anecdotes
AlexK2009 from Edinburgh, Scotland on September 20, 2013:
Yeah chris1982, the Biblical jesus was a much more fun person than today's Christians. I blame Paul for that.
Robert Pummer on September 20, 2013:
Nice creative twist.
Chris1982 on March 27, 2013:
Theo I feel what your saying. I remember when I started my walk of faith I had met several so called Christians that only made me feel condemned and even more lost.
But when I took that same challenge to read it with in spirit for myself. I learn that any Christian that condemns you to hell is not a true believer, they are modern day pharisees. True believers are supposed to invite and welcome you into the faith. The same way Godwelcomesus all into the faith.
What I think was cool about Jesus is he didn't come for these so call religious people (pharisees).when he came he kicked it with the hustlers, thugs, killers, prostitutes, strippers, Con artist, basically the scum of the earth. And the religious people couldn't stand it, matter fact they hated him with a passion cause what he was teaching was different than what they was teaching. It's crazy because it's the same way today.
Remember this Theo, a true believer will never force his faith on you because he knows you must believe for yourself. Number 2 a true believer will welcome you in openly with love no matter what and try to build you up to help you on your walk. Number 3 even if you decide not to believe a true believer will love you anyway. I'm not talking about telling you they love you, but I'm talking about showing you thru they actions because they have the fruit of the spirit.
Theophanes Avery (author) from New England on March 27, 2013:
I think you're missing the point of this article. It wasn't really to bash God - more it was to hold a mirror up to people who profess to know what God wants and then condemn and judge their neighbors. I am not a Christian. I do not believe in Hell's actual existence, I am just tired of the devout telling me I have a spot waiting there for me. And no, I don't believe them either. For me God is ineffable. Something to be figured out after death, not some scary guy in the sky wagging his finger at us.
Chris1982 on March 27, 2013:
God isn't vengeful and vindictive. God is love, peace, and justice. I could quote scriptures but that only makes some feel even worst about God.
God didn't make hell for us and he doesn't want to send us to hell either. He made hell for Lucifer and his fallen angels.
We all have heard John 3:16 but do you understand it???
God so Loved the world (that includes you & me) that he gave his only son that who ever believe in him may have eternal life.
Think about it like this; Just like our country, state, and city has laws and rules so does God. If you break a law you go to court to try your case, if you are found guilty of violating the law the judge sentences you according to the law. It's not out of anger, spite,or vengeance but it's according to the law to serve justice. God is the same way except God can't be corrupted by outside influences like human officials can.
In our court of law we have what they call double jeopardy, meaning you can't be judged for the same crime twice,,right
How about God has that law also. The amazing part about it is His only Son which is Jesus Christ has already been charged and found guilty of our sins for us and sentences to death and hell for us!! So therefore according to double jeopardy we can't be tried for the same crime twice because Jesus Christ has already been tried in our place.
All we have to do is accept it in our hearts and believe. After that hell is something you never have to worry about ever again.
Oh yeah homosexuality is wrong because God commanded us to to be fruitful and multiply. Unfortunately 2 men or 2 women can't multiple naturally on their own.
I am a 31 year old black man. I have committed many sins I am no way perfect or in any type of position to judge anyone who don't believe in Christ. I have witnessed murders and looked into the eyes of murder victims after their spirit have departed this place. That alone showed me that it is a spiritual side to life that we can't see.
I challenge anyone who don't believe to open their heart and read the Bible everyday for 3months straight everyday. But don't just read it with words read it with your inner spirit and try to prove it wrong, question it in your spirit and ask what's the spiritual meaning of it is. I promise the light will begin to shine and you will see it for yourself. John, Luke, and Matthew is the the gospel of Christ.
I hope this was a little helpful for someone. Just know God is love
Theophanes Avery (author) from New England on March 21, 2013:
I don't believe in Hell either, it's just a long running joke now.
Laura Brown from Barrie, Ontario, Canada on March 17, 2013:
I don't believe in hell. But, the reality is that we won't know who is where until we get there.
Theophanes Avery (author) from New England on July 01, 2012:
Aye, I hope so too.. I may have quite a stint there myself!
John MacNab from the banks of the St. Lawrence on July 01, 2012:
Many good points and many decisions to make, Theopanes. I think I'll wait and make my decisions in purgatory - I hope they have some good magazines.
DearBandit on June 10, 2012:
Theophanes Avery (author) from New England on May 20, 2012:
AlexK2009 - I know how you feel! I have spent a lot of time carousing around the seedy outskirts of cities, where all the artistic folk and drive by shootings are. I'm sure one doesn't directly correspond with the other. Its just one of those poverty things!
MilesArmbruster: This article is about Christian cherry-picking all on their own. As you have read there's a lot of gays condemned to Hell. Why? What makes being gay a worse sin than petty theft or serial killing? And what makes being 100% perfect citizen of a different religion condemnable? Just saying. I consider myself a good citizen. I base my life on trying to do as little harm and as much help as possible but I can't believe in a vindictive vengeful God who uses Hell as a threat. Therefore I am not a Christian, therefore according to Christian tradition I'll be going to Hell anyway. Might as well just get used to the idea if you're me.
MilesArmbruster from Somewhere on the journey on May 13, 2012:
When you pick and choose your data, you can always make the argument swing your way. I suppose that most people won't be the least bit unhappy to ponder that Adolf Hitler and most of his utterly despicable cronies are probably in hell, along with Joseph Stalin and most of his despicable cronies. Mao Tse Tung was a pedophile and you can visit him in hell too.
On the other hand, there will be plenty of people in heaven who were interesting here on earth and will probably be more interesting there. Blaise Pascal, Martin Luther King, jr., George Frederic Handel, T.S. Elliot, J.R.R. Tolkien, Isaac Newton, Galileo. Oh, by the way, Galileo was a heretic because he believed that the earth was not the center of the universe. This had no effect on his faith, and God certainly wouldn't condemn him for being right. It was the fearful leaders of the church who labeled him a heretic. In the end, it isn't about the life you live that determines heaven or hell for you, it is your faith. And we can't know everyone's heart. I think we are ALL going to be surprised abuut who ends up where.
AlexK2009 from Edinburgh, Scotland on May 13, 2012:
I love this one. When I start work in a new city and looking for accommodation I avoid the areas that are considered dangerous and run away from areas that are considered "good" or "respectable" since that normally means "boring"
Windy Grace Mason from Poplar Cove, Virginia, USA on May 13, 2012:
Thank you for writing this awesome hub, Theophanes :) Voted up, awesome and shared on Facebook wall. I could not agree more...
Love & Light,
Windy Grace AKA VAMPGYRL420
Anan Celeste from California on May 12, 2012:
You are right.I have had that same discussion with very "religious people" and I end up with my blood pressure dangerously high. hell is a subject that I know I can't understand fully.