Five Reasons Why Friends Don’t Listen to Advice
Let's explore the reasons why people don't accept advice.
Points of Interest in This Article
Do you get frustrated when you try to help your friends solve their problems, and they don't accept the advice? It may be impossible to help them when they refuse to listen to reason.
By observing this behavior with my friends, I have narrowed it down to the most significant reasons why they don't take advice.
We'll explore the following points of interest:
- Accepting Advice Involves Two Attitudes
- How to Handle It When People Don't Listen
- Exploring Five Reasons:
- They Distort Reality With a Narcissistic Behavior
- They Can't Act Rationally When They Are in Denial
- They Have a Fear of Success
- They Don't Have a Time Perspective
- They Want Approval for Doing Things Wrong
Accepting Advice Involves Two Attitudes
Many people come to me for advice, but when I try to offer positive guidance, I discover two attitudes people have:
- Some accept the advice but do nothing with it. They never follow up, and I have noticed these people rarely accomplish anything. They usually end up making their lives miserable instead.
- Then, some consider the advice, think it through, and do something with it. Many people with this attitude even go beyond my suggestion. I see these people improving their lives.
How to Handle It When People Don’t Listen
I get frustrated when a friend lets things go downhill, especially when I offer a solution. I explain how to avoid the problems developing in their lives, but they let it happen anyway. They ignore the advice, and my predictions of doom come true.
There is nothing that we can do for these people. Sadly, I often need to back off and watch them sink deeper into trouble. I think that's what they really want. I'll explain what I mean with a couple of examples.
Some people set themselves up for failure. I have noticed that these types of people will never listen to a friend giving advice. They are somehow programmed to continue their path towards failure.
The way I see it, they don't think it through. They just let their lives deteriorate. They don't do anything to improve their lives or to solve their own problems.
1. They Distort Reality With a Narcissistic Behavior
I think people who don't take advice see their reality differently than we do.
We look at their lives with the clarity that comes from being uninvolved. But they observe things as they wish they would be and neglect what's important.
They are totally involved in their own affairs, so they tend to distort reality to suit their individual needs with their personal boundaries.
We can show them the direction, but they need to start by taking responsibility for their actions. Some will never recognize that they create their own failures. I consider this a narcissistic trait.
An Example of Narcissistic Behavior
I have a friend with diabetes, and he likes to walk around barefoot.
I told him that with diabetes, he could get gangrene if he steps on something and gets an infection. I explained that he could lose a foot.
His ex-wife gave him slippers, but he was so upset we told him what to do that he threw them out.
One day, he threw something at a wall out of anger, shattering it into pieces. He later stepped on the debris and got an infection. He ended up having his foot amputated.
2. They Can’t Act Rationally When They Are in Denial
Denial interferes with the ability to act rationally. If someone takes responsibility for their own failures, they can adjust their behavior and plan a new strategy. They have no problem accepting any new ideas presented to them.
However, if they are in denial, they will not see the value of the advice. They are stuck with their inability to solve problems. They will disagree when we try to help them and come up with all sorts of reasons why they should not listen to sound advice.
I noticed that people remain in denial and don't listen because they lack the skills to think it through—to plan a solution. In addition, when a solution is presented to them, they don't see it.
Even when telling them how to solve their problem, they will disagree with the reasons for taking action. They are frightened of change and unwilling to try something different.
Sad to say, I see this attitude with friends who are going nowhere with their lives. Their present way of doing things isn't working, but they come up with excuses and argue that it's because of other reasons beyond their control. This is denial.
An Example of Denial
I had a female friend who told me her boyfriend proposed to her. Based on a previous discussion I had with him, I knew he would want to live off her money.
So I warned her against marrying him. I even reminded her that she overheard how he talked about it. Nevertheless, she was in denial and refused to believe the truth.
A month after the wedding, she called me, crying despairingly, and said they had a fight. I asked what happened. She told me that he wanted her to pay all the bills. His reasoning was that they were living in her apartment, so she should pay all the bills. Imagine that?
Another Example of Denial
A friend with an accounting business asked for advice. She told me she couldn't pay her rent because she was losing clients.
I told her that her office was making a poor impression. I recommended that she clean up her office. I explained that an uncluttered office would imply an orderly tax report.
She argued that she had no clients because everyone was using TurboTax.
She didn't clean up, had no clients, couldn't pay the rent, her landlord evicted her, and she lost her business.
In denial that a cluttered office makes a poor impression.
Photo by author, Glenn Stok
3. They Have a Fear of Success
I can think of things I've avoided for fear of success. However, as far as I can tell, it's really fear of the unknown.
Whenever I had avoided something early in life, it was because I didn't know the outcome. Somewhere along the way, I started to notice that things always turned out okay. That gave me the courage to get involved with new and unknown things.
The main problem I see with people who fear success is that they hope it will all work out anyway—all by itself—one way or the other.
Hoping for a better tomorrow without doing anything to correct today's problems will never bring change. I try to tell friends this, but they still continue with hope and despair.
4. They Don’t Have a Time Perspective
These are the same people who are always late. Have you ever noticed that people who arrive late and keep others waiting are those who fail to achieve anything meaningful in their own lives?
To accomplish tasks, we need to have a clear vision of how long it will take. Then, we need to plan each step to fit the allotted time available.
If we ignore the problem and just let time pass, or if we don’t figure out how long it will take to get from A to B, then we are doomed for failure.
I see this problem with some friends who say they understand what I'm telling them to do. They agree that it sounds like a solution to their dilemma. The only problem is, the next time I talk with them, they still haven't started. I think that means they don't care enough about their success.
People will make time for the things they value. I know I do.
5. They Want Approval for Doing Things Wrong
I think this is the worst of all.
An acquaintance I've known through my social circles once called and asked for help. She said she is being arrested.
I asked for details so that I could know how to help her. She explained that her boyfriend had broken up with her, and she called him several times a day, leaving messages asking for an explanation.
He had put out a restraining order, and she continued, so he put out a warrant for her arrest.
I responded with a straightforward question. I said, "I need to understand something. Do you want me to help you?"
I needed to be sure that she indeed wanted help. She said she did.
Therefore, I proceeded to tell her what to do. I said, "Just stop. Stop calling him. Stop thinking about him. Stop and move on."
She was extremely disappointed with me. She said she was hoping I would defend her and support her feelings. Instead, she felt that I was attacking her.
So I told her . . .
"I'm so sorry. I misunderstood. I thought you wanted help. I understand now that all you want is support for failure. Only friends can help you, but what you need is an enemy. Someone who does not care for you will be glad to support your failure."
In Closing
Some people improve their lives with advice, while others reject it because it doesn’t meet their need for approval.
I sympathize with all my friends who don't listen and suffer because of it. I offer love and compassion when it suits their needs, but I believe in tough love when they are going downhill and need to be woken up.
My only intention is to guide a friend to a better place. But, unfortunately, they often take it as an attack if I don't give them approval for the ways they fail. How strange is that?
There are times when we must back off and realize that they don't want help. They just expect to have approval for their failure.
This video sums it up with a little humor:
I explained what I had learned about people who avoid taking advice. I also gave you five reasons why they chose not to accept help to improve their situations.
I'll leave you with this humorous video that sums it up quite well.
Additional Reading on This Subject
© 2012 Glenn Stok
Comments
Glenn Stok (author) from Long Island, NY on July 22, 2020:
Jacqui, You’re absolutely right that people may respond defensively when they feel powerless or threatened.
That’s why I mentioned that I need to ask, “Do you want me to help you?” It does no good to try to help someone who is in denial for any of the reasons I discussed.
Thanks for your thoughtful and meaningful analysis.
Jacqui on July 22, 2020:
When you say it as giving a person advice they won’t take from you, therefore they will suffer because they didn’t listen.. this itself comes across rather narcissistic. You are taking away their power by saying you have all the right answers that they should listen to you. People when put in a situation where they feel powerless and threatened will sometimes respond defensively whether the advice is good or not.
People need to have a chance to think about why something is a good decision for them and make empowered and informed their decisions where they don’t need to feel they must be dependent and incapable of formulating decisions themselves.
In the therapy domain, it is advised not to act as the ‘advice giver’ but encourage them to come to a realisation themselves. This is usually more effective. If we’re giving advice to someone we need to leave the saviour complex, we are the all knowing idea behind and never take away someone else’s sense of self esteem in the situation.
Glenn Stok (author) from Long Island, NY on January 26, 2020:
Jackie - I know people like that too. We can't help them. They need to be willing to help themselves first.
Jackie on January 01, 2020:
Thank you so much for this! The nail video summed it up so we'll. I have a friend who needs an operation and needs to loose the weight. The doctor has been waiting three years! 3! Still the patient won't and refuses to lose weight. Now the friend is wanting by pass surgery. That's bit going to help as the person eats a ton of food daily and needs to lose the weight for the operation. I saw the friend and still no improvement. Now it's going on the 4tg year. Besides all the family is morbidly obese. It saddens me none of them listen. You are right. They hope things get better but don't want to work to make it better. Now I understand. I'm just going to back off these people with advise and shut up. I myself refuse the food offered to me when u visit as I lost a lot of weight exercise and keep it off. I can't eat a ton of food on a plate I eat from a saucer size food plate and am full. Yes they have all kinds of ailments but keep on feeding themselves foods that are off limits. Now I have peace of mind knowing with your article I did all I can. Now I can focus more on me. Thank you so much.
Glenn Stok (author) from Long Island, NY on December 27, 2019:
jrodishere - I hear you! Toxic people have no business giving advice. Pointing out flaws is not helpful. Sounds like the people who try to give you advice don’t consider that there may be more than one solution to a problem, as you had indicated. Besides, not all advice is good advice.
I believe that I didn’t address that side of the issue in this article. That’s something to focus on with another article in the future.
jrodishere on December 27, 2019:
Alright, the reason why some people like me don't follow advice frequently is because it sounds like there is only one solution to solve problems, when there is multiple solutions that can work just as well. Basically, the advice is telling me: "do this, do that" like I'm some sort of dog. It's so annoying. The people I used to get advice from were incredibly toxic because I would wait for them to flame me and they would unnecessarily point out most of my flaws, while trying to give me advice that only had one perspective. If I do follow advice, it is usually from my bros.
Glenn Stok (author) from Long Island, NY on April 27, 2019:
P.S. - I’ve come to the same conclusion as you, and for the reason I discussed in this article. We don’t need to watch them get doomed. It’s better to just focus on other things, or on other people.
Spend more time with people who want to make something of themselves and achieve more than they presently do. That will also have a positive effect on you too.
Those who refuse to help themselves will only drag you down if you let them. Try to help if they ask for help. But quickly put your energy elsewhere if they prove that they really don’t want to help themselves.
P.S. on April 27, 2019:
Thank you for this article. I now fully understand why some people (one, in particular) just refuse to listen to sound advice and in effect is really a recipe for stress and failure for him. At least, now I don't blame myself and ask if there's something wrong with me. I've tried so many different ways to get my point through and yet he dismisses everything I tell him.
But isn't there any way to get through to these people? Do we just sit and watch them get doomed?
Glenn Stok (author) from Long Island, NY on April 20, 2019:
Violet - Thank you for bringing up that important point. There are many reasons why emotionally healthy people don’t take advice, as I discussed in this article. Clinical depression is a whole different thing, as you alluded to. One needs to display understanding and optimism when offering advice to someone with depression who is asking for help. This provides a better chance for them to feel comfortable making an effort to carry out the suggestions being offered, and can help achieve positive results. Of course, this is an important consideration when trying to help anyone.
Violet on April 20, 2019:
The things you describe about your friends generally indicate mental illness and psychological patterning due to abuse or other circumstances. It sounds like you’re a smug person who’s never dealt with depression. Maybe that’s why they don’t take your advice.
Glenn Stok (author) from Long Island, NY on March 25, 2019:
M - I give you a lot of credit for verbalizing your thoughts and your frustrations. It’s wonderful to hear this expressed from the other side with such an intelligent dialog so that it can be better understood, and I thank you for that.
I do believe that you are doing your best, which is something we all try to achieve no matter what the issue in our lives.
M on March 25, 2019:
I am the friend that never takes advice. I was coming here to see what I am doing wrong and the last two points have perfectly articulated my problems. The other 3 as well but the last 2 are so difficult to get my mind around. I need to acquire a sense of time then? I don't know where to start. For the last one, the only small way I was able to understand was Glenn's response to the woman about needing an enemy, and still, my head is like a steel block very unwilling to incorporate this concept. I feel as if I'm doing my best, but things still end in tears and frustration. Even now considering this article I feel on a deep level myself trying to rebuke this information as not true. Nice article Glenn, pray for me (haha)
Glenn Stok (author) from Long Island, NY on February 02, 2019:
Jade - That is a very common experience when one tries to help someone who is incapable of desiring growth. They look for excuses, even saying they went with someone else’s advice. However, in most cases they are treating the other adviser the same as you—ignoring their advice too.
Jade on February 01, 2019:
I've been getting extremely frustrated with a friend of mine recently, who comes to me with many problems and complaints about her life. I give her advice, as I've been in her situations and am a few years older and more experienced than her. However, she doesn't take my advice and just gives me a million excuses at the time, and is very combative and aggressive. Even really to the point of putting me down. Later on, I will hear her saying that 'so and so' gave her resources on a certain issue she came to me with. And that she will be using said resources that day. And I'm really at a loss as to why she will accept their advice and not mine. These people are even older than me, which is one thing, so I was thinking she may respect or trust their advice more. However that doesn't discount anything that I'm saying! And the way she states that she received help, is as if she's making me feel guilty for not helping her enough. I was really at a loss of what to do, because I seem to lose either way. Whether I try to help or I do nothing. Although she does have a lot of mental health issues which she is dealing with, which explains why she's very combative and down on herself. Thanks for the insightful article. I think she is in denial as well, and her ego is getting in the way. She is also afraid of change and success. I'm hoping she can find her way, although I may not be the one to help her do it.
Glenn Stok (author) from Long Island, NY on May 14, 2018:
Salcho - I can tell from your comment that you are a very intelligent person and that you are handling your depression very well.
I agree with you that a casual friend cannot help people who are suffering from depression. As you said, they may be following “unhealthy paths of thought” that can cause them to “act in seemingly illogical ways.”
Although it seems you have gotten this under control for yourself, I have to also agree that only professional help is best in such situations.
One point that I need to clear up is the fact that I never said anyone is to far gone to be helped. However, I can see how you may have felt the need to interpret it that way. This is why it’s important to consider how things we say are inferred. This goes for friends who try to help, as well as for professional therapists.
Thanks for sharing your views as this side of the argument is very important to understand.
salcho on May 14, 2018:
I don't think labeling certain actions as failures because you disagree with their outcome is a good mindset to have. As you said people usually are resistant to advice due to more deeper reasons. Everyone's reality is very different. It's why politics can be so divisive.
I've had trouble with coping with depression. My father tried the tough love approach. Inevitably other more kinder people helped me start on my path to improvement. The problem was he doesn't understand the individual reality of someone suffering from depression. There are certain unhealthy paths of thought that make these people act in seemingly illogical ways. These people may realize this but lack tools to change their thoughts because it is the only mode they have functioned in their whole life. The most effective way to deal with this is to gradually change these thought processes to more healthy ones. This of course is too demanding for one person such as a friend or acquaintance. Professional help is best in such situations.
Inevitably you are not responsible for what actions others take. Inevitably it is up to the individual to search for help on their own. But the idea that someone is too far gone to be helped is a cruel way to think.
LR on March 16, 2018:
This is helpful, insightful information.I can not tell you how much tjis helped me today. I care about people and find when they are going down roads that I can see clearly will cause them pain or financial issues. I give advice as they are complaining. The negative Sabatoging comments and sometimes rude tones begin tearing me down. I was having a problem stepping back for my own self preservation. Saying to myself poor them they can't know what they are doing..
Thank you for helping me understand.
I can now step back.
Glenn Stok (author) from Long Island, NY on February 17, 2018:
Meg, It’s a sad case that people like the one you describe are is such denial that they have the need to put down a friend who is trying to help.
In addition, he only thinks about his own needs and doesn’t really want to learn how to achieve his goals. This is evident by the way he never offers any help to others, as you had noticed.
Meg on February 17, 2018:
I offered an advice to my constantly complaining friend. He got mad at me and called me an arrogant know-it-all who "doesn't know his situation". It's like he wanted to punish me for being caring. Your article provides an amazing explanaition to this situation! Now I know he need the audience to listen to his complains, nothing more. His agressive reaction had a big impact on how I perceive him.
What I've noticed is, that the same person NEVER offers any advice to me.
Thank you for a great article, I should read it long time ago, so I would save some times and nerves!
Best regards!
Glenn Stok (author) from Long Island, NY on December 06, 2017:
JS - You make some important points, and I agree with you that different approaches come across differently based on the person it’s meant for. For this reason, someone giving advice needs to understand and appreciate the emotional wherewithal of the other person. Otherwise their advice might be in vain.
As for your last question: yes, respect goes a long way—for both sides for that matter.
JS on December 06, 2017:
I have tried this tough love approach with varying success. It can work very well for some people. And can seem callous and abrasive to others.
My question is what if two people (myself & another person) offer the exact identical same advice to someone and they choose to listen to the other person? Would you say tough love approach works, or would you maybe suggest a more tailored approach (invisible hand). I do think the person accepting the advice needs to have some respect for the advisor,no? Otherwise it will not resonate.
Glenn Stok (author) from Long Island, NY on November 20, 2017:
Gabriella - You mentioned some interesting examples why people come up with all sorts of reasons for refusing to accept advice even when they ask for it.
Another that I recently encountered: I gave the same advice that two other people gave and the recipient of that advice thought we were plotting against her since our advice matched one another. We didn't even know each other! The duplication of the advice should have been taken as proof that it has value.
Gabriella on November 20, 2017:
Good afternoon. Just came forward with the article today, as I'm experiencing lack of interest in people for listening and understanding when it comes to terms regarding the article... I mean people asking me for advice and at the end, I will be the one who really need some help, because these other people with their negativity drive me crazy. Strongly agree with the author. Why people ask for help, when they already had the answer in mind? Do they just want to argue? Or want to blame their failure on someone else? Advice or lecture? Even a lecture contains important informations and solutions for the given questions. Even a lecture reflect certain people's views, they just can't present in a "human" manner. Like today. A friend asked me for some advice. I've tried hard to help, but she's telling she's done it, done it, done it. She wanted to see something new. Asked for it, I gave it. Then she struggled with the new information and another person came to her help, had a strong agreement between the two . Result? They were cheering up above my failure, that I couldn't succeed with my advice and they accounted the person's failure that would have been mine... as I would be the one who gave the wrong advice, who has the failure. I could run out from the world. Why ask, when acceptance doesn't exist? Why ask, when you all have the answer in mind and advice unacceptable?
Glenn Stok (author) from Long Island, NY on November 13, 2017:
Ziad - True, assuming the advice is not good, or if the advisor has a hidden agenda. These are always possibilities.
Having said that, if the advice is genuine and useful, denial is something that can be destructive. It can disrupt ones ability to be successful or to avoid problems–as with the examples I gave in this article.
Ziad on November 13, 2017:
What about if you have a logical reason for not accepting advice, that is you disagree with the logic of the advice given? That to me should be a reason for not taking advice. It is one of the obvious ones.
punchy101 on September 09, 2017:
Excuse me. But even kids do hate getting advice. I'm sorry but yes they secretly feel that way. If psychologists use this kinda technique to help their patients who refuse to take advice, man would this world be doomed.
There's a thin line between giving a good advice vs trying to lecture them on what to do.
If I was married to someone and I received a bunch of advice from the person who has never dated someone before, that'd be an insult. Sometimes people just want to feel listened. Everybody is capable to solve their own problems. They just need to be directed without knowing that they are being directed. If someone wants to commit suicide, you can't give them a bunch of advice telling them "100 reason to not give up on life". No. It won't help them. And they'll continue to do what they've been planning to do. Sometimes it's the people who try too hard to prove that their advice is bomb, have the most ego problems. A know-it-all, maybe? It's just hard to resist giving the advice we think is smart. Of course, we all love to sound intelligent.
Glenn Stok (author) from Long Island, NY on August 21, 2017:
Better off - Good points you made. That last one is very useful, telling them if they can afford dealing with the outcome if they don't change behavior. That may wake them up.
Better off not better than on August 21, 2017:
You nailed it ! Ha ha video made laugh so much.
What a sweet thing it is have good counsel, grasp it and see it through to prosper.
Alas, I can still hear the echoes of good and timely advice that I didn't take.
The times I followed bad advice from friends who didn't have my best interests at heart were devastating until I realised I could change up to friends who did.
Confusion -sometimes I just can't grasp what people are advising me.
When I am in a super anxious state even to the point of dissociating I need my advisors to deal patiently with that first to bring me to a place of calm and focus and then encouragingly advise me with great and simple clarity.
If I decide to advise others I speak with my suggestion tone or my advice tone depending on the importance of the event.
I like to give options much like you'd said to the diabetic.
"If you do it this way then this is most likely to happen but if you do/don't do it this other way then this other outcome is likely to happen." And then I ask questions that require practical answers.
"Do you have enough to cover medical expenses and rehab/ home help/transport when/should you become an amputee?"
On a lighter more suggestive note "Do you want to whine or do you really want to win?
Cheers!
Glenn Stok (author) from Long Island, NY on December 08, 2016:
Bharat - You said this very well. Some people never get passed the point where you woke up and discovered the power of listening. I like how you called it a paradigm shift. How true!
Bharat on December 08, 2016:
I grew up in life, 'not listening', meaning, hearing, but not implementing (listening). I faced many issues and continued to, not listen. However, later in life I practiced, listening and implementing. Listening, needs common sense and progress in life and relationships would be so much better. It's about a paradigm shift. We are STUCK with our way of thinking and many of us do not want to embrace change of any kind. It's not just advice what people ask for, it's about just PURE listening habit. "When you sleep do not keep your mobile on your night table", this would not be followed by most of the children and adults. Stop sign says STOP and what is so difficult to understand that. People still roll and they DO NOT STOP! They get a ticket and damn....."I was just this and that...and bla bla... To listen is DIVINE!