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18 Things You Shouldn't Do After the Breakup

This is my purpose in life: to better myself through knowledge and help others do the same. I hope you enjoy my writing.

Following a break up, an individual can engage in 'destructive' behaviours as a means of relieving the pain felt, or getting over the break up as fast as possible. These behaviours, or action, will not alleviate the pain felt nor enable one to get past the break up in a shorter time. Instead, the actions will inhibit the healing process from commencing. And when healing hasn't begun its course, the recovery isn't assured, that is, an individual would take a lengthier time to recover from the break up, or will never recover at all for the rest of their lives.

Understanding tested-techniques employed by individuals in effectively recovering from a break up will enable you to heal and recover from your break up in a shorter time. The length it takes to get past a break up depends on several factors, such as:

  • How long the relationship lasted
  • Your personality
  • How the relationship ended
  • The reason for the break up
  • How much you invested in the relationship

Learn what you should do, or shouldn't do, to allow the healing process to commence, and thereby enable you to recover from your break up.


1. Don't Suppress the Hurtful Emotions

Negative emotions act as signals that something unpleasant has happened. They bring to our attention that something we cherished - the relationship - has ended.

Painful feelings are given rise to by hurtful emotions. The pain, too, acts as a signal in alerting you to an unpleasant situation that has occurred - break up.

Experiencing the hurtful emotions, and pain, will convey the message to your heart the person they loved (cherished) is no longer part of their lives. When the heart learns of the reality, it'll mourn the loss of the relationship thereby enabling it to take necessary steps to heal from the would inflicted by the break up.

2. Don't Contact You Ex

Your ex meant almost everything to you when you're in the relationship. You shared many things together, talked about a lot of things, had some things in common, and had future plans for your relationship.

Following the end of the relationship, you might feel a strong desire to contact your ex. You want to hear their voice again, the laughter, their smilez the alluring eyes, and the comfort being close to them.

However, contacting you ex will amplify the pain you're feeling. In essence, you will intensify the wound that'd been inflicted in your heart. Of course, contacting your ex will make you not to feel the pain, right? Not really! In essence, you'll be suppressing the hurtful emotions. After you've contacted them, and are alone, you'll feel the pain severely.

Contacting your ex is similar to actions taken by some people in alleviating emotional pain which include being intoxicated to alcohol or drugs.

7 Things You Should Never Do After a Breakup

3. Contain the Hurtful Emotions

Your heart has been made aware of the status of the relationship through the pain it's felt. It'll not live in denial because the hurtful emotions and pain it has experienced gas acted as evidence of the reality of the relationship. Moreover, it'll take necessary steps to ensure it recovers from the break up.

Since it has felt the emotions, don't let it experience the emotions for a considerable time. This will prevent it from benefitting from healing, a precursor to recovery.

The more hurtful emotions a person feels, the greater the intensity of pain the person feels. When the pain feel too unbearable, an individual will be compelled to employ 'dangerous' acts to relieve the pain e.g. overdrinking, overdosing on drugs, jumping from one relationship to another, and engaging in sexual acts with different people, to name but a few. Sadly, some take their own lives as a permanent means of dealing with the unbeatable pain.

Let the hurtful emotions. Don't be angry anymore. Don't be hateful towards your ex anymore. Do away with envy, revengeful feelings, and any other negative emotions you're experiencing

4. Forgive

It's easier said than done, but a number of scientific studies have proven the effectiveness of forgiveness in allowing a person to get over a painful situation.

Forgiving doesn't mean you give the person who has hurt you the leeway to hurt you more. It means not allowing the unjust thing that was done to you to affect your essence, and life, negatively. It means, you'll not allow hurtful emotions to control your thoughts and decisions - act as your guardian.

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Whether you broke up mutually or you ended the relationship for justifiable reasons, pain is inevitable. The pain you'll feel results from leaving behind everything you cherished, and worked hard for to ensure it remains stable and fulfilling.

Sometimes, the pain we feel is not because our ex hurt us, but as result of the relationship we treasured came to an end. In other circumstances, it might be us who caused the demise of our relationship, and thereby we feel we don't owe ourselves in forgiveness.

Whichever the case, not forgiving means you're allowing hurtful emotions to rule your life, and as a result, you're intensifying the pain.

Also, asking forgiveness from your ex is a right thing to do as to allow to be free from the bondage of what led to your ex being hurt by you. If they don't want to forgive you, tell yourself you tried to ask for forgiveness therefore you need to move on with your life.


5. Remember Not The Past Wound

Remembering the hurt that was done to you will bring back hurtful memories. The hurtful emotions will elicit hurtful emotions. The hurtful emotions will amplify the pain you're feeling.

The most important thing is to learn from the hurt, and thereby not repeating what led to the hurt e.g. falling in love too easily.

6. Stop Blaming Yourself Or Your Ex

Blame game. Either you’re blaming yourself for the demise of the relationship or your ex. You can blame yourself or your ex for as long as you want, but how will blaming help you in the long run? Whether you were the cause of the breakup or not, blaming yourself or your ex for an extended period of time will not help in anything. As a matter of fact, it is you who is going to feel the blunt of hurt. Accept the relationship didn’t work out, and if you were the cause of the breakup, pledge to become a better you before you fall in love with another person, or before you reunite with your ex.

7. Stop Stalking Your Ex

You should stop the habit of trying to find out how your ex is doing. Is her relationship with her current 'man' going well? Stop reading her updated statuses on social media sites. They will not help you at all in healing and recovering. They will impede you from moving on with your life.

You are just doing yourself a disfavour by stalking your ex - learning what's going in her world.

Stop trying to find out how she is doing. What matters now is how you are doing. Have you at least recovered from the breakup, and are ready to move on with your life?

You have a life to live. Stop living someone else’s life. Give yourself a break and concentrate on yourself.

Top 10: Things Not to Do After a Breakup

8. Stop Listening To Love Songs

There is nothing worse than listening to something which makes you sadder than you are. They will make you feel unhappy and a pathetic creature that deserves to be pitied. They will increase the hurt or the wish to be in your ex’s arms. The songs will create an illusion you’re in the relationship or you may begin fantasizing the breakup never occurred. You might become bitterer, your hate towards your ex might increase, and you might form a low opinion of yourself (not loving yourself).

You need to listen to uplifting or inspiring songs. Songs which will comfort, encourage, motivate and challenge you. Songs of hope and which will strengthen your inner-self.

9. Don't Live In Denial

Face the fact. The relationship is over. Don’t live in denial the relationship hasn’t yet come to an end. You are just deceiving yourself. You are living in a fantasy world. You are denying yourself what is rightful yours - your ‘real’ life. You are trying to live someone’s life which you know isn’t a good thing.

Accepting the reality of the relationship will allow the healing process to begin thus ensuring your recovery from the breakup. Don’t live a life that doesn’t exist. It never works. You are only fooling yourself.

10. Not Too Close Of Friends

If you end up becoming platonic friends, you will never move quite far in your life. Your life will be revolving around your ex. You should become casual friends for your own benefit. You don’t want to always be reminded of the good old times that results from being too close of a friend. The memories will make you wish to be back in the relationship, and thereby, you'll feel compelled to try to get your ex back. And, they will remind of the status of the break up thereby bringing back hurtful emotions, and pain, back to the surface. You don't want to feel them anymore.

In any case, if you get together very soon because the platonic friendship signaled to both of you that you need to get back, another break up might occur.

11. Don't Rush Into Another Relationship

Don’t rush into another relationship to escape the hurt you know you’ll feel. Don’t jump into another relationship to show your ex you haven’t been affected and you’re better off. Not only are you hurting yourself the more, but also hurting the new partner you’ve run off to be with. Why? You'll carry the hurt, and the hurtful emotions that gave rise to it, to the new relationship. Having not healed and recovered, you'll cause more problems in the new relationship.

Before engaging yourself in another relationship, ensure you have healed from the hurt, and have recovered from the break up. You don’t want to cause problems in the new relationship because you haven’t healed and recovered from the previous breakup.

12. Stop Hating Your Ex

You will not benefit at all by hating you ex. You are only making your life more difficult to live by. Hatred is a negative emotion. If you let it continue manifesting itself in your life, it will turn out destructive, especially affecting your mind and physical health in negative ways.

Anger is another powerful negative emotion you should tame. Anger gives rise to hatred, and both of them can wreck havoc in your life. They'll cause you to miserable, always displeased with almost everything and anything, and not finding any fulfilment in your future relationship, relationships with other people, or even your work.

The only best way to deal with hatred, and anger, is by forgiving your ex.

13. Don't Revert To Your Former Ex

Don’t go back to your former ex to escape the hurt, or to find console, or to think this time the relationship will work out. Deal with your pain. When you have healed and have recovered from the breakup, you will know whether it is acceptable to get back with your former ex.

If you haven’t healed and recovered from the breakup, how can you survive in another relationship?

14. Don’t Broadcast the Breaking News

Don’t broadcast to any and everyone about the breakup. You should only do so to your close friends or those you feel need to know about the breakup. For the others, they’ll get the news when they ask about you and your partner (ex). Neither should you broadcast the negative traits of your ex to the whole world - through social network sites. And, don’t try to justify yourself, through broadcasting the break up, and how you were the victim of the break up, to feel good or for your friend(s) to sympathize with you.

15. Don't 'Pull' Yourself Down

Don’t be hard on yourself whether you were the cause of the breakup, or not. Don’t hate yourself; love yourself. You might feel you are unworthy, useless, a fool, or label yourself with other negative words. It may feel you deserve it, but no, you don’t deserve it. Either way, whether you were the cause or not, don’t be too hard on yourself. Soften a little.

Let me drown

Let me drown

16. Forgive Yourself

As stated above, forgive yourself if your were the cause of the break up.

You might forgive your ex but find it difficult to forgive yourself. This is especially the case if you were the cause of the breakup. If you were the reason for the breakup, it would be wise to ask your ex to forgive you (not to reconcile but for a clear conscience). If he does or doesn’t forgive you, take the other step of forgiving yourself. If you don’t you will be living a bitter-depressed-hurtful life. You’ll end up hating yourself – not loving yourself - which will turn out disastrous in your futurerelationship(s), your relations with others, how you view the world, and lose interest in things that you derived happiness from.

17. Don’t Do Something Crazy

She ended the relationship. As far as you know the breakup didn’t affect her. You want to show her you have an upper edge against her. So, what do you do? Change your fashion style to a ridiculous one instead to one that will suit you for the better. Go for strange tattoos, and post 'I-am-happy-than-you-ever-imagine' photos on your social media accounts for the sake of showing her that you are well-off. You are just hurting yourself.

Don’t do anything crazy to show your ex you have a life of your own, the relationship hasn’t affected you, or you are faring well. Do things that will build you up for your own sake; not for somebody else’s sake.

18. Don't Pretend You Are Fine

No one is immune to hurt. Remember, you are not the only who is usually hurt, or who is undergoing a break up, or has gone through several break ups.

If you pretend you are not hurt, know you are fooling yourself. Don’t pretend - either to yourself or someone else who asks you how you're fairing - the break up hasn't affected you or you're doing fine when it isn't the case. Don’t say, “It is nothing,” or “I am doing great” when you are not. Be truthful. It's not a weakness. It's being true to his you feel.

© 2016 Alianess Benny Njuguna


Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Nairobi, Kenya on February 08, 2017:

@Keisha, my sympathies. I know how it feels for I have been in your situation. I will be speaking from a man's perspective coupled with what I have learned through research in regards with relationships.

If he truly loves you, his actions need to be at par with the words he speaks. If he rarely calls you nor pick up your phone, then he no longer has feelings for you. You no longer interest him. Relationship is about communication. Early on in the relationship it's easy to know if someone loves to talk more than send texts or prefer to send texts more than talk. In your case it looks he was more into talking but now doesn't talk a lot.

If he says he loves you then he considers you special then he need not behave in such a manner. What you need to do is stop calling him. He is taking advantage of you. You are his backup plan. If the relationship he is in fails, he will come back to you. You are someone he can run to if what he has been doing on the other side fails.

Do not call him. Apply no contact rule. Do not call him for days and weeks. It will hurt but purpose to do that. During this period stop thinking about him and the relationship. Concentrate on yourself. Move on living as if you don't have a lover. Do your things. It is hard but he is enjoying your neediness on him that is why he is behaving so.

Keisha, don't let anybody despise or take advantage of you. Do not let him treat you like a doormat. You deserve a better man. You have a life to live. Do not boost his ego. Let him learn you are independent, and happiness and fulfillment doesn't come from having a relationship with him. Don't beg or plead to him. You deserve better. Let him know that by not contacting him in whatsoever way. He is just playing your mind. You never know, you will come across a better man than him and your feelings for him will die sooner than you expected.

keisha grant on February 07, 2017:

he claims he loves me but very hard for him to call nor he does not pick mine ....the truth is i am into him a lot ...i do face a lot of trauma pls help me

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Nairobi, Kenya on October 30, 2016:

Thank you dashingscorpio. True, one needs to stop 'romanticizing the past.' She was not the one. Out of the 7 billion people, surely one cannot be 'mourning' to get back to an ex when there are still singles out there. Good advice, dashingscorpio

dashingscorpio from Chicago on October 22, 2016:

Great advice!

I'd also add - Stop "romanticizing the past" and looking at the relationship through "rose tinted glasses". She wasn't "the one"!

In order for (her) to have been "the one" she would have had to see (you) as being "the one"! At the very least a "soul-mate" is someone who actually WANTS to be with you!

"Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary."

- Oscar Wilde

If someone dumps you it means they clearly don't think you're "special".

Thankfully there are over (7 Billion) other people on this planet! Odds are there are thousands if not millions of other people who would love and appreciate you. Every ending is a new beginning!

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