Wow! But This Does Happen. A Lot!
You meet this really nice guy at the club and You can't believe your luck. He's a really great guy and you're absolutely infatuated with him. You told all of your girlfriends about him. They are ready to pick out bridesmaid dresses. There's just one thing. He's already married, but you didn't know. He didn't tell you he was married, of course not. You had to find out on your own. Certain things just wasn't adding up and you did some digging. Now that you know that he's married you're questioning everything he told you. That night he whispered, "I Love You," did he really mean it? Those promises of being together forever. Is that really going to happen? The last question you're asking yourself is should I keep seeing him? That answer is, HELL NO! I know we are all human and as humans some of us tend to lie. Omition is another form or lying. Some of us tell itsy bitsy small lies like, "No, I didn't drink the last of the orange juice. Some of us tell GREAT BIG ONES like, "Na, baby, I ain't married." You find out this fool has a wife, three children, a dog, and a partridge in a pear tree sitting at home waiting him. This is one of those lies that can really get a person hurt. Emotionally and in some cases physically. Some women do not play when it comes to messing around with their husbands.
Signs Of A Married Man
It's hard to see the signs, I know this, because I have been led down that street once or twice, maybe it was three times but who's counting. Even though the signs of untruthfulness are right before your eyes, it can be hard to see it when your vision is cloudy by the murkiness of love. When you are in love with someone, you can't even think straight most of the time and you tend to put aside your own intuition. We will vacate common sense and trade it in for no sense at all. Love is a magnificent blood sucker, thirsty for all who dare to dream it perfect. Love has no stipulations and no terms and conditions box to check upon entering into it. We dive in head first with no life jacket and expect that we will make it out safe on the other side and live happily ever after with Mr. or Ms. Perfect.
Ladies keep your eyes open and pay attention to the signs.
You've never been to his place. He always has an excuse as to why you can't come to his place. It's because his place has a wife and three kids there waiting on Daddy to come home.
He never spends the night. He's always in and out. He only stays long enough to have sex with you and then he's gone. That's because his wife knows how long it takes him to get home from work. Anytime over that she'll get suspicious. Married men have curfews.
You have never met anyone close to him. He has not introduced any friends or family to you because they all know he's married.
He schedules your meet ups. He knows the times when he can sneak away from the wife. He can't make plans with you that can cut into his family time with the wife and kids.
He never spends his days off with you. His days off are for his family. You will not see him at all on his off days off. When you have a family, your off days are automatically reserved for Family Time.
He doesn't answer your calls. You call him and it goes straight to voicemail. He's cooking dinner or watching movies with his family. He can't have you blowing up his phone like that. So he sets your call to go straight to voicemail. He usually calls you back within an hour or so.
He conceals his calls. Every time a call comes in he goes into another room to answer it. That's just wifey calling to remind him to pick up some milk on the way home.
He never takes you out.Especially not to local places. He can't run the risk of running into a family friend. If you do go somewhere public it's out of town.
Worn groove on his ring finger.Take a look at his ring finger. Is there a worn groove indicating a ring was once there.
If all of the above applies to you, chances are that the person that you are involved with, is also involved with another.
Will He Leave His Wife For You?
Not likely. Most men cheat out of lust, not love. Marriage is a beautiful union, but for some people it can get a little boring. Being with the same person, day in and day out can become a drag. It doesn't mean they have stopped loving that person. It's just that the lust and maybe even the sex in their married has fizzled. He will not leave all that he has built with his wife, especially if they have kids together. Right now your are something new, fun and exciting. There will come a time when you will also get boring to him and then he's on to the next exciting thing.
A Man's Point Of View
The Truth Will Set You Free
So this married man thought that it was best not to tell you that he was married. I don't know where he got his thinking from but I'm willing to bet that he was not thinking with the big head. Instead he let the little one lead him down the path of destruction and obliteration. They always do and they always get caught. It's best to tell the truth upfront and don't compound the crime by lying. By him lying and not telling you that he's married, is not only hurting you, but he's also hurting his wife by committing adultery. Simply because he wanted some extra cookies on the side. I'm sure that if he had told his wife that he wanted some extra cookies (i.e. sex) she would have given it to him. It can work on both sides, even though I don't condone cheating, at all... Well maybe... Sometimes…. Anyway this is not about me and I am not married. If this man had told the other woman the truth about him being married, he still would have probably got some cookies from her too. With milk. Now that he has lied to both of these women, where can he lay his head at now? I guess he can call Mama. The only cookies Mama got for him are Oreos or Chips Ahoys.
I will leave you with this. A person can only do to you what you will allow them to do. Learn from your mistakes. Do better next time. It's way too many men out here to be going after one that's already taken.
KimC143 on January 29, 2020:
Certain things weren't adding up so I did some digging... jeeeez that first paragraph hit me.. right in the heart.
We had been acquaintances on social media for a few years. He had always been complimentary but I never saw him as anything more than being nice since he lived in a different state.
He had always said he was on his own. That the love of his life had been killed by a drunk driver over 20 years ago and he never really found anyone since then.
I did see that he may have been married as there was a photo on his Facebook page from years ago. But I hadn't seen a photo of this woman anywhere on his social media in over 6 years. Maybe it was a bad divorce and sometimes men don't like to talk about failed relationships? I let it go.
Then one day A few months ago he started to pursue a bit more and a light switch went off in my head... hmmm I think I may be attracted to this man.
Our friendship grew and we realized we were very much into one another. We texted, talked on the phone, FaceTimed every day. It was like I was speaking to the man of my dreams.
We made plans to finally meet after about 2 1/2 months of intense connection and communication. He suggested someplace neutral, in between where we lived.
I never wanted that weekend with him to end. It was storybook physical connection and romance. I was falling for this man... hard.
Little things here and there seemed off to me... not inviting me to where he lived, not being able to talk sometimes without reason, not wanting to take photos together when we did meet, not wanting me to tag him in social media posts, he hadn't told anyone about me, he was also very hesitant to give me his home address... but I always chalked it up to my insecurities. I always gave him the benefit of the doubt.
Then the little things that didn't add up started screaming at my instincts. I found out the address he finally gave me was the the wrong house number. I found the correct address and it listed him and the woman I saw on his Facebook page as current owners and residents.
I called him out on it.
He took 2 days to respond and answer my question (after he sent flowers, of course)
His explanation was that his visa was expiring 10 years ago and this woman married him to keep him in the country. She doesn't live with him but spends weekends there sometimes if she's traveling for business. That their close friends see them as married but not as a loving couple. They had a set time limit on this marriage of convenience and what do you know, they had their first appointment with the divorce lawyer a few days later.
His words described marriage of convenience and traditional marriage. Nothing was clear anymore.
I was heartbroken.
How could someone that I opened up to and trusted so deeply not tell me something like this. He said that he never knew we would connect so deeply so quickly and he thought that their divorce proceedings would've been done by the time we could've really gotten our relationship going.
My response was that no matter what the circumstances I couldn't be involved with a married man and that we should take a break and disconnect while he finished up what was going on in his side.
He agreed. But then continued to reach out every few days telling me how lost he was without me. I said if their arrangement is as he says it is then let me speak to his wife and she can let me know that we are free to do what we want to do. He never even acknowleged that request.
After three loving requests for a complete disconnect until he was divorced I finally got annoyed and said we should stop following each other on all social media and he needed to respect my needs of no contact.
He replied saying that he thought it was the worst idea but he had no legs to stand on the argument and it was probably the last time I'd ever hear from him again.
It's been 5 days since we spoke and I'm feeling incredibly guilty for asking for space. I know it's the right thing to do AND an acceptable request. "Call me when you're completely available and we'll see if we can restart"
So why do I feel so unsettled? :(
Anonymous on May 13, 2018:
I have been seeing someone for 7 months until a few days ago. I just recently found out that he’s married. He told me in the beginning he was divorced and had been for over a year. He wanted to take things slow. I started to become suspicious a few months in as he always wanted to come to my house and I had never been to his. We never went anywhere together, but unfortunately we work together. He told so many lies that started to surface over time. On several occasions I asked him if he’s been honest and it always turned into a huge blow out argument, switching everything around on me. He’s a pathological narcissist. Should I tell his wife?
Alesia Brazil on December 07, 2017:
I met a guy online. I got pregnant. He left. 2 years have passed and i just found out he's married with children and a minister. Should I tell his wife?
jen on November 24, 2017:
I recently found out that I have been seeing someone that already has a partner. I realized that he was seeing me when things were not going well between them. It was easy for him to pull off because I work out of town. After some snooping I found out the partner is one of my former bosses from years ago. I don't want him but should I tell her?
Blurpops on October 18, 2017:
Thank you Tarkishat! Maybe you are correct I cant seems to fully move on carrying those emotional baggage. The truth will set me free. Thanks again.
tarkishat (author) on October 18, 2017:
You shouldn't feel ashamed. He should. The story is a bit confusing, however I think I get it. You won't be satisfied until you actually get an answer about this mystery wife. I feel in order for you to really move on with your life without him, you have to get your questions answered. Lies will forever plague your relationship with this guy, so leaving him alone seems to be best for you and your peace of mind. Let him know about your findings and find out why he kept such a big secret from you.
blurpops on October 18, 2017:
My bf then now ex had a fight that led to breakup. After a week I finally got the courage to check on Census here in our country if he is indeed married or not. The fight was not actually about that but more about his narcisstic issues.
I learned he got married on the year we were on and off. And he had a son with her. I'm in total shock to know that the name of the woman I saw in the document was not the woman I thought he was married. I was actually suspecting the mother of his 1st child. As from what I see he got married then got separated few months after and got back to the mother of his 1st child. So that leaves me totally lost. I know you are too. So here's a brief timeline
2011 - We met and okay for a year, I know he has a child but he denied being married
2012 -2013 - We broke up then we are in contact so I can say our relationship back then is on and off. This is the year he got married to another woman.
2014 -2017 - We got back together for real (for real at least for me). There has been good and bad times. But the old issue that he is possibly has a wife or living together with the mother of his 1st child never leaves. He pacified me by introducing me to his family. He even introduce my mother and siblings to his.
So now, we broke up but not because I found out but because of an argument (one of his non sense narcissistic arguments).
My question is: Should I tell him I now know all about his lies or just completely leave it all behind and just heal and move.
Thank you so much! I really need an advise right now. The truth I haven't tell it to any of my friends or family yet. I'm so ashamed.
tarkishat (author) on May 08, 2017:
Did he explain to you why he felt that he couldn't tell you that he was married? That's not fair to you that he lied about being married. If he's always with you and his family knows about you then he could just be telling the truth about him filing for divorce. You should be requesting to see the divorce papers if in fact he is filing. You need proof that this issue is being resolved. You're pregnant now so the two of you are locked in for life. It's up to him to follow through on his divorce so that the two of you can raise your baby together. Give him a chance to produce the proof that he is following through on this. Congrats on your pregnancy and prayers for a smooth and healthy delivery.
Amelie on May 08, 2017:
I just recently found my boyfriend is married and I'm 5 months pregnant with his child. I never thought he's married because he's introduced me to his family and friends and he's with me all the time. He says he's getting a divorce and i tried to break things off but he begged me to stay until he's divorced. I don't know if I should believe him.
dashingscorpio from Chicago on October 14, 2016:
Believe it or not some women never bothered to ask a man his marital status! Sometimes it's because they met in a nightclub and the two of them just hooked up. What was going to be a "one night stand" gradually grows into something else and before you know it the woman is "emotionally invested" in the guy by the time she discovers he's married. Prior to that she didn't really care. It was a "no strings" thing.
Other incidences where women get involved with married men are if the guy is stationed in the military out of town, an exchange grad student from a foreign country, or someone working as a contract employee who has been relocated by his company for a few months to a year.
His wife is back in his country or resident state.
Under such circumstances any woman he dates he could bring back to his apartment and there might be no evidence that he's married.
A lot of married men don't wear wedding rings.
Note: Most of the signs you listed are also signs that a man sees a woman as being nothing more than a "booty call" even if he's single.
Any guy who doesn't introduce you to close friends and family after dating you for a couple of months doesn't think the relationship is serious.
tarkishat (author) on January 22, 2015:
Wow,Idalaia. Just Wowww! If he was that bold to talk to his wife on the phone all the while being in bed with you, girl he is a pro. You were not the first and you will not be the last. I'm glad you kicked him to the curb like the old bag of garbage that he is (pun intended). As far as telling the wife, I say no, don't tell her unless she confronts you and ask. Now a younger me would say, hell yeah, tell her girl, she should know. Times have changed and so have people. Dude could be real crazy. If you tell his wife he could try to do something to you. Better safe than sorry. I say, if you've moved on, then leave it all in the past where it should be. A lesson learned. Ladies take note from Idalaia. If something don't smell right, you better find out where the stinch is coming from before things get deep. Great Sleuthing girl. Yass!! You did a back check, front check and even an obituary check. LOL!! Thanks so much for posting Idalaia. Ladies what do you all think? Should she tell the wife or not. Please leave a comment.
Idalaia on October 18, 2014:
I met a travelling contractor. He is working in my city on a new building. We would text at all hours. He was respectful, attentive, charismatic, and charming. Immediately after meeting, I asked if he was on the DL, married and sneaking around while his wife was four hours away, or what? He was not wearing a ring (later found out neither of them do or ever have). He went as far as to invite me to his city for the upcoming holidays. Anytime I called or texted, he would answer. When we were together, he would answer his phone in the same room and usually have it on speaker. I looked out for all the signs like inability to maintain consistent contact and the obvious yet subtle signs. I found out hours after we had been intimate the first time that he was married. I Googled his name and the company he worked for. I was looking for what his company specializes in so that they could work on my home renovations. In some weird fluke, I came across an obituary. One of the lady's grandchildren was his wife, and his name was in parentheses beside hers. His last name is uncommon, and the odds of there being more than in the same city are exceptionally low. I Googled her name and found her Facebook. Lo and behold, not only is he married, but he has children (one is 18 or so) and the other is a minor. He told me he did not have and I quote, "None of that shit." I was like, "Maybe it is not what I think." I saw another person with his name, and it was his teenage son who is a junior. He has Instagram. I scrolled thru, and what did I find? A Happy Father's Day collage to my beau and his father. The bottom of my stomach just fell and shattered. He also lied about his age. He is six years older.
I feel so guilty. I have been trying to decide if I should tell his wife. If I was a wife, I would want to know that I might need to get tested. It is not even a spiteful thing. We had protected sex, but condoms do not safeguard against everything. If he cheated with me, I am sure there are others. I know that I do not want her calling me or threatening me when I did not know he was married to her. This just came out Wednesday of this past week. As a Catholic woman, I feel the need to confess, repent, and be woman enough to ask her for forgiveness. I feel like I owe her an apology even though I, too, have been deceived. In my mind, continuing the relationship is not even an option. I do not want someone else's husband. I have no respect for him, but I respect her enough to be honest if she confronts me or decides to seek the truth.
This is still fresh, but ladies who read this...get out now and do not look back. Dopamine is in full force, but I am thinking with lucidity. Dating a married man is bound to hurt you. I feel sorry for his wife. I can only hope for forgiveness and the chance to apologize. He was a bold one. I would be laying in his bed, in his arms, and he would be on the phone with her. He never asked me to be quiet or to leave the room. What a mess!
Thank you for posting this and letting me vent. This is the first time I have "written" everything out.
tarkishat (author) on August 04, 2014:
Hi Wendy. You just went threw your first real heartbreak is all and it hurts like a MOTHERFCKER! I completely understand, you wanted everyone connected to him to feel some of the pain that you were feeling. I have been there and it's no joke. Every day is a day you just want to stay in bed. You look at yourself in the mirror and you can see the hurt and betrayal in your own face. After this your heart will forever be on guard, in order to prevent this from happening again. Before I continue on I would like to talk to you more. Private message me on Facebook @https://www.facebook.com/tarkisha.taylor I would love to discuss this with you further, because right now you really need someone who understands and is willing to listen. I hope to hear from you soon.
Wendy on August 03, 2014:
I have been reading your blogs and I am searching for me again.
After 11 years of ending a horribly abusive marriage (He stabbed me and left me for dead)
We have 3 amazing kids. at the time were 2 1/2, 6, 7
They are now 14, 19, 20. When I say I have the most amazing kids ever. In everyway. Healthy, smart,educated, driven, wonderful beautiful, charming, socially well adjusted, 3 of the kindest people I know. I hit the lottery with kids.
Back before my sons started college they started pressuring me to date. I did and I met the most amazing man. I jumped in head first. Heart beat slow and fast at the same time. Skipping and in a daze.
This man pursued me and pursued me and was an anwered prayer. We were talking marriage and kids. There was just always this lil tiny feeling in my gut that something was a miss. I am very optimistic and despite all I have been through I am very happy and healed. I would say as smart as I am. I met my childrens father when I was 14 so I guess I am somewhat naïve in ways.
I was head over heels all except this feeling. Everytime I approached the subject with him he had this amazing ability to turn it around on me and blame my past (which i told him about) and tell me, "I waited all my life for you, one woman is enough when she is as good as you" I love you, please stop pushing me away. He would allow me to cry and beg him and apologize. He would and the process would repeat. I was left confused and tired trying to figure out what was wrong with me and insecurities begin to surface and it went from bad to worse. He suggest a counsilor and I agree. I was so in love! I cannot begin to tell you that he brought something into my life that I never knew i could feel. He also made me realize I was lonely amd was ready to love and be loved.
For some reason I cannot shake this feeling that something was wrong. He had excuses about everything and he traveled a lot. I got this great new boyfriend and I rarely see him because of his work schedule and he always knew how to make me feel guilty.
I felt gulity for wanting more time and i was always on the defensive and begging him. I truly loved him.
Long story short and many lies surrounding lies I find out he is married and still lives with his wife.
I don't think I have ever experienced that kind of betrayal or heart ache. Wen I confronted him he said, "You weren't suppose to be who and what you were" WTF? What does that mean? I was suppose to be some whore he used and discarded?
After 2 weeks of sheer and utter torture and insecurities that I had long healed from coming back to haunt me. Things my ex husband told me, I was fat, ugly, worthless, and no one would love me. He was physically, emotionally very abusive.
Although the new guy never hit me or called me names he somehow triggered things from my past that I had put way behind me and healed.
He crept back in by telling me he and I were getting so close he knew he hadn't officially ended things with her that is I found out he would lose any chance with me and he thought pushing me away would be best. He also said they weren't intimate at all and they even slept in separate rooms. So against everything I have ever stood for, everything Ive ever been against morally and spiritually I started an affair. The humilaition, the shame, the feeling of knowing he was with her and treating another woman like me did real permenant damage. My life (drinking, losing a job, I got 2 duis) I do not get into trouble like this. I have been suffering and the pain was so bad. we had contact everyday. The false hope, turning things around on me, manipulating my heart and mind, controlling me, using me, hurting me, leading me on. I met him 12/23/2012.
I finally went crazy and did what I said Id never do and he started his hot and cold shit again I contacted his wife. She treated me like I was pathetic, I guess he basically told her I was stalking him, idk. She was saying, "Sorry you feel hurt sweetie and darling" With such contempt. I went off bad. I started describing sex acts, times, gifts I have him, it was awful. I contacted her mom, borther, grandma, and aunt on Facebook and told them about the lies and affair WORST FEELING OF MY LIFE. I HAVE BEEN FILLED WITH GUILT AND SHAME. I NEVER KNEW I WAS CAPABLE OF HURTING ANOTHER PERSON THAT WAY. WORST THING I COULD HAVE EVER DONE. I SHOULD HAVE JUST LEFT HIM AND LET HIM GET AWAY WITH IT. INSTEAD THE HURT AND PAIN CAUGHT UP WITH ME AND TURNED TO RAGE.
I don't want to hurt him, her or her family and I have.
I need someone to talk me through this so I can continue to go on. He and I haven't spoken since i let the cat out of the bad 7/11/2014 and I am started to heal. It comes and goes but i am starting to think he may have been a crazy sociopath or a narcissist.
I have lowered myself to levels I never dreamed possible and the pain is crippling me. I am so sorry I didn't just walk away. I never planned the convo with her. And i don't know what I expected from it. I am not a vindictive mean person. I never have been. But what have i done? OMG what have i done? I am working hard to get my strength back and move forward. I look back now and I wish I had just run fast when I found out about the lie. But I didn't. Why?
And what i need from you is please help me understand why someone would do this? Why would he and what purpose?
How did i get so lost and turn into someone who causes pain to others?
How can I live through this pain?What have I done to him, her, myself? Can I ever be happy and get over him?
And why did he seek me out and so this to me. I am a happy, energetic, loving mom and friend and Ive fought my way through some bad unimaginable things. And not only survived, the kids and i thrived.
I am not broke down to nothing. I cry everyday. I miss him but yet cant stand him.
I need to know what you think I can do to move on? And if you can tell me what kind of person does tins to someone but especially to someone who has already had their share of pain.
I need to understand. I need to understand how I was capable of such retaliation.
I am in so much pain. My heart is broken. It is absolutely broken.
Did God punish me for wanting more? He has given me 3 healthy amazing kids? Did i want more than i should have? How did i go back to him after I found the truth? Why would i want to hurt the wife. Why? Oh dear God why have i allowed this?
Please help me understand why I told all those other people and wanted to hurt him and her. How did i get so lost after all i have been through and worked through and came from?
Sadly I still love him but not having contact is giving me perspective. But Id be lying if i said I didn't always have him in my heart and think of him? What did i expect the outcome to be? How could I have been in such denial and will i ever forgive myself?
Please please help me understand. With Love, Wendy
Lady Love on July 24, 2012:
Congrats on your baby! I'm 32 wondering when my time is coming...So, I met this guy about 9 months ago when I was going through a divorce and he was great! He told me about his kids and his ex-fiance and that she and him had split about 6 months prior. He traveled a lot for work/being stationed in different cities months at a time. He made plans to see me whenever he was in town and we gradually became pretty close. My divorce was finalized during this time. He spent the night at my house at times and I stayed with him at his corporate apartment which was out of town (never his house though). I was never invited to his house which made me start wondering. I asked him why didn't he invite me to his house especially since we both lived in the same city, and his response was that he had family staying with him and wasn't quite ready for all of that. Long story short, I just had a feeling that something wasn't right with him-he was too distant at times and did the push and pull thing with me quite a bit. So my Alfred Hitchcock mind went into overdrive, lol.. I called the courthouse (you know that marriage is public record right?) and found out that yes indeed, he was married since 2007. Once I found out, I kicked his (you know what) to the curb. He never mentioned that he was married, but instead said that he had been engaged to her, wtf..(why even tell a partial lie), I told him the truth. Anyway, I was humiliated and seriously hurt. I cut him loose! I'm not the side chick/mistress type (at least not by choice, lol).
tarkishat (author) on June 02, 2012:
@ expecting. What looks like a duck, quacks like a duck and stank like duck, pretty much means that sucker is a duck. It sucks, but keep your head up ma. Oh congrats on your bundle of joy!
tarkishat (author) on June 02, 2012:
So sorry it took me so long to get back with you on this insoup, but I just gave birth to my first baby. Yay me! Now on to this mess that you are dealing with. You should not feel bad for falling in love with an asshole in a good guy mask. Just know that this relationship has hit a dead end and its not going anywhere but down and you should jump ship now before that sucker sinks.
tarkishat (author) on June 02, 2012:
@ expecting. What looks like a duck, quacks like a duck and stank like duck, pretty much means that sucker is a duck. It sucks, but keep your head up ma. Oh congrats on your bundle of joy!
expecting... on May 17, 2012:
I was with my boyfriend for a year & a month...got pregnant not by choice but at 31 wks I found out he was married...never took me to his place but stayed at mines numerous times always txted me & called...but then I realized that when he called late he was always out????
insoup on April 16, 2012:
we started chatting in june 2011,he seemed to be a perfect bachelor doing all the chores himself and keeping his apartment neat and tidy. i used to wonder often why he was still single at this age and status (he is 30+ and is a senior manager in a reputed company)
we stay in different places. he came to my place and i met him for the first time in july and again in august 2011. i went to visit him in november...again in dec.. did not see anything fishy in his apartment..
i was on cloud nine and thanked God often for giving him to me.. he was perfect for me as in he was everything
what my previous drunkard and abusive and insecure bf who used to live off my earnings was not.
How i found out ? - i sent him an invite over orkut (i had logged in after 2 years and jst wanted to see how his profile looked) and i got a shock of my life when i read his scraps regarding his wifey. the scraps were 6 years old. when i asked him about his wife he simply told they were separated.
i blindly trusted his words cos i was so so much in love.. that i visited again in jan 2012. whenever i asked about the reason he got separated with his wife he always blamed her for not being able to adjust with him.they even have a daughter.
During my stay in Jan he had told me that his bro and sis in law (who stay in another city)were going to stay with him for 2 months as his bro got some project to finish up in the city.
During those 2 months, we hardly talked or texted each other over the phone. and thinking that he was busy i kept quiet though i used to miss him so much. i even visited his city (work related) and we met at his cousin's place.
last week i reached his place the same evening his brother and sis in law left..day before yesterday while he was taking a nap i happened to browse his laptop for movies(he forgot to log off) and accidentally found video of his wife and child in the same house just a few days ago...i wanted more evidence so i kept quiet that day. Next day while he was away in his office i found his wife's and child's belonging in a cabinet under the bed..I would have never found them had i not seen the video and searched for it. It was not his bro it was his own wife and child who were staying with him during those 2 months!!!
He was always in touch with his wife who had gone to her mother's house to deliver the child and had remained there for a few more months.(now again she is back to her hometown for some family function hence i'm here at his place)
i know am in soup...still on his bed (in the other room) i feel guilty for being an intruder..i feel bad for his wife. But come to think of it i never did anything intentionally. I know i have to leave him, hence finding strength in all the stories and comments of others who went through the same.
i realized he lied a lot..about his relationship, his wife's behavior, his child's age etc etc.. i even happen to see a text msg by some other gal stating 'pls talk to me, i will go mad' which means i am not the only one he is fooling around with...
lilblonde girl on March 26, 2012:
I should have known...I had all the signs right in front of me, but like they say, it's never happened to me before, plus when a guy makes u feel that good, unfortunately I was to blind to see. #1sign: he told me recently broke up with his girlfriend, because she accused him of cheating. #2. He only wanted to go to places to hangout where not to many people were going to be hanging out. #3.He cancelled dates many times. #4.He talked crap on his ex-girlfriend (wife) #5. He never had time to see me, but always had convenient stories that covered all of his tracks. #6 He never once asked me to come over to his house.
Warning to all girls in this situation: GET OUT! Why would you want to date someone who is married...truth hurts, but once a cheater, always a cheater. Plus, don't think that you're somebody special, that is why he chose u to be with and not his wife; truth is he doesn't think you're special, he's using you, so most likely he has very little respect for you, because he doesn't care about if he's going to hurt you or not, he only cares about satisfying himself. Regardless of how cute he is...GET OUT!
tarkishat (author) on August 28, 2011:
Wow J.K! That is crazy. Sounds to me like he really enjoyed having a corresponding relationship confined only within a digital box of communication with you. Something perhaps he was not getting from his wife. You guys never met so maybe he didn't see that as cheating on his wife. He lied to you about being married because he thought there was no way of you finding out. But that's internet life for you. We can be whoever we want be, even if it is a big fat ass lie. Never trust a person whom you've never met face to face, and even then you have to do a background check. Chock it up to a lesson learned and be thankful that you only let this man into your heart and not your wallet. Keep your head up Ma, only sunshine can come out or this downpour.
J.K. on July 24, 2011:
Last year, I was involved with a married man online (without knowing he is). He told me about a girl he's dating, but 'not yet his girlfriend'. We got more than friendly, chatting for hours, and I suddenly found myself fallen for him. We would chat online on Fridays and every weekend, on cam, and I saw that he slept alone, ate alone, and it looked as if he was the only one in his 'bachelor' apartment that he just moved in. He spent the rest of his annual holidays chatting with me. We even wrote a love story together via email, telling each other about our fantasies. Then after a few weeks he bailed. Disappeared. I was prepared that he's probably in a commited relationship with the girl he talked about due to proximity. Somehow, I waited for him to contact again, then in vain, then I deleted him from my online contact to prevent myself from going crazy. He added me back, then we got to talk during Christmas. He said he would spend Christmas with his girlfriend at her parents' house. I asked of nothing more but friendship, he told me it's ok, and that he thought of our shared moments from time to time and that I was his ex-princess (because he's a Prince), and how stupid I was! Late in January he asked me what's up after seeing my RIP status (which was for my dog). We talked, he told me his relationship was rocky and that they were taking a break. He said we could become 'special friends' again, and that he thought, after all the experiences I told him about, he knew me better than anyone else. Yes, he did. But a few weeks after that he bailed again. I missed him so much but, having decided that I should get over him, pressed for closure. He didn't give me the exact reason why he wanted to leave me, but admitted he was a BIG JERK, and that I deserved better. That was our last correspondence. Months after that I googled him, wishing I would find out about how he was doing. I used to google him before but found none of his other accounts online, but this time I wanted to try my luck. Surpringly, I found an account of him on a social network site (not Facebook, btw). The main photo was him with a blue-eyed baby just like his. He was smiling to the camera. The baby looked precious. I read the comments... long story short, I found out the name of his wife. They've been married since 2009. I'm not mad at him now, as I accept that some men can be liars and cheaters to their loving spouses and many, many innocent girls. I'm fighting the urge to write him that I know (I still have his email), and I just wish not to encounter this kind of man again and/or ruin a perfect family.
tarkishat (author) on May 28, 2011:
Diamond, men are not like us. If we are married and or in a committed relationship and some guy comes on to us we immediately tell him, "Hold on. I'm married." It's not their fault, some men are not that vocal about their relationship like we are. You saw the wedding band and you still gave him your number. He's not trying to hide the fact that he is married, it was right there on his finger. So you are the one that's violating, coming on to a married man. To answer your other question, everyone gets tired of the same old thing over and over again. That will send any person in search of something new and fresh. The problem is communication. If a man is unhappy with his wife then he should let her know so that they can work on their relationship together. Now if things stay the same after that then the only reason to stay is for necessity and to take care of his responsibilities as a father and a man.
diamond on May 11, 2011:
my issue is quite different .
even though it sounds tacky . i hope that someone
here can understand me and give me some good advice .
here goes . this guy started flirting with me since last year . i had a crush on him . i thought he was cute and everything , but anyway . finally i encouraged myself to tell him . but instead of telling him i had a crush on him , i said my friend had a crush on him , he asked for
her number and said he'd call . i gave him , her name .
but that name and number was mine. i was shy and nervous . he never did call . i don't know if he ever did like me . he never told me . forgot to tell you , that
he is a bus driver . i don't always see him . the last time
i spoke to him was when i was leaving that day from the bus , i saw his gold wedding band . why couldn't he just tell me he is married , or he is unhappily married
he gave me hopes . some people tell me , maybe he is divorced etc . do women care when their husbands cheat or flirt with other women turning them on .
do these men ever leave their wives for the other woman . whom is pleasuring them , loving them , why would a man stay married to a woman if she is not making him happy , and he has to go on to another woman .
tarkishat (author) on January 17, 2011:
No cycle, it could be stress causing you to be late. I have to ask you this though, why do you have his wedding band. How did that happen?
nccutie05 on January 17, 2011:
Still no cycle yet. Apparantly the wife has been through this many times before with him. His friends are use to it and do the same thing so im told. I still have his wedding band. And have not heard anything more about it. This situation is not looking pretty at all.
tarkishat (author) on January 15, 2011:
Wow nccutie, that's crazy. The wife actually seems like she's been through this before, because she handled that situation a little too calmly. He was quite ballsy, taking you around his friends and everything. But did his friends act strange around you at all? If not then they are also use to him cheating on his wife, which is sick. He was doing all the right things that a man in a monogamous relationship should, simply because he's an expert at this. You were not the first and you will not be the last. If you are pregnant, love your child no matter what, because it's never the child's fault. Let's see how nice the wife is once she finds out that you may be carrying his child.
nccutie05 on January 14, 2011:
I was dating this guy for 6 months. I found out 4 days ago he was married when his wife texted me. He called me every night and we would talk for hours. He would call me during the day and text me as well. He came to meet my family. And also called me on the holidays. As well he spent many nights with me and we did go out places as well. I had even met his friends. So the other day his wife informs me they are still married and he does still live at home. And that they have an 8 month old son! She however was very nice about it all and didn't blame me and even apologized for her husbands behavior but informed me she would not be leaving him. Biggest news of all I may be pregnant with his child.
babyg on January 10, 2011:
I just went though the same thing
. I been wit this guy 6months now I didn't no he was married just this past weeend I found out I seen a girl number that keep textin him but he didn't want tell me who she was so I calld her n his face n she tld me she was his wife but wat I don't get is that he ask m
S.E.L.C on January 05, 2011:
Hello fellow sisters,
First let me say that if this has happened to you my heart goes out to you.
In Sept 10 I too became involved with a married man. I did not know he was married.
During our three month courtship we spent many of awesome nights together just talking and sharing our life. We were busy building that house of trust and friendship that I believe all good relationships are built on. During those three months, while building away a bad odor kept filling my nostrils.
One week before Xmas this man left, he was in my town on work, his main office is in Corpus Christi TX.
I started looking closer at the little house we built, only to discover that our pretty little home of trust and friendship was built on a foundation of $hi+!
I did not lay that foundation he did!
Taking a closer look came at a high price! The truth was painful.
Now, while my wounds are still fresh, I have to decide, do I care to stand in that house knowing that I compromise my safety, my beliefs and my values.
NO THANKS, I say to myself:). That house is only as good as the foundation it is built on, it is shaky at best and will never stand the test of time. I deserve a house built on a good foundation.
Shame on him!
Shame on me? Not! Only if I choose to stand in that house and compromise myself,my beliefs and my values.
I'll lick my painful wounds until they heal. I know with time they will. :)
To all the other sisters out there, be true to thyself, acknowledge your pain, lick your wounds. Remember your house, regardless of type, is only as good as the foundation it is built on.
tarkishat (author) on November 25, 2010:
I'm sorry that you had to go through that and by him saying that he can't lose you, he just does not understand the magnitude of that ignorant stunt that he just pulled. Don't fall for it girl, he wants his cake and he wants to eat it too, just don't give him the fork and plate to do so. Let me ask you this, would you punch someone in the face and while they are bleeding on there shoes, you say, "We still friends right?" What kind of mess is that. He still wants to be your friend and He can't lose you, okay so it's all about him now, but what about the pain he has put you through. Cut the cord and leave that fool where he is, friendless and loss. Tell him deuces and kick rocks, there are too many men out there to waste your time on toddler.
jc on November 21, 2010:
Im just going through this same situation...omg! The guy never ever told me he was married...i had to find out myself... he's scheduke become so repetative...i always know when he would pick up his phone and when he wouldn't and to what days i would and wouldn't see him.... im just upset that i gave my all to him and at times i just wanna make him pay. Now he told me we should be friends, he cant lose me...like...haven't u thought about that from the get-go????
tarkishat (author) on October 21, 2010:
Sherry that really sucks and for him to do that is absolutely disgusting. His lack of honesty is repulsive and the carelessness that he showed is outrageous. Some people just don't take into account the consequences of their actions. It's a tough thing to go through, but dust yourself off and get back out there. I know they say that trust is everything, but it doesn't hurt to help trust out a little by running a background check on a man with a plan. A woman's intuition is really strong when it comes down to an unfaithful man. When those signs rear their ugly heads again, be sure to be right there to pull them up and throw them in his face.
Keep Your Head Up Ma!
Sherry on October 03, 2010:
I just learned this hard lesson myself.... saw him for two months. All the signs were there and I even asked him point blank if he was married. OF course he denied it. I ended up finding out because my sister's friend worked with him and told her that he was married...My sister then told me. I would never be with someone who was married. I can't believe this happened to me, but it did... and I will move on.
tarkishat (author) on September 18, 2010:
It is a very hard lesson to learn. Keep you head up Missie. You are not a fool, you just fell for the wrong type of man. They are out there and kind of hard to get around.
Missie on September 02, 2010:
So so true. only I was the fool sat at home waiting for him to come home... and he did have the guts to stay out all night and give me very believable stories the next day!! Bigger fool me for believing them but I LEARNED MY LESSON THE HARD WAY!! Sick & very twisted man...
Elena from London, UK on March 25, 2010:
Thanks for an interesting, encouraging Hub.
Believe me, sometimes it's hard to know. Some men are very good at concealing but as you know, we later learn the hard way. Best Wishes. :)
Missi Darnell from Southern California on March 24, 2010:
Good hub, good advice.