Can Love and Lust Coexist in a Relationship?
Can love and respect get confused by lust?
The Perplexity of Love, Lust, and Respect
I have a theory: If you love someone and have great respect for your partner, then you may have trouble experiencing lust.
Love can keep two people together, and lust can keep the relationship alive. However, what happens when "respect" gets in the way? Somehow lust and respect don't always work well together.
What Is the Definition of Lust?
You might be thinking that lust is only the desire for sex without caring for your partner’s feelings. Maybe that's true, but before I go any further, let's examine the definition of lust. According to Webster's Dictionary, it is less appalling than you might have presumed.
- An overwhelming desire or craving: Not so bad, right? That could apply to anything you ever wanted in your life, such as a craving for chocolate. A lust for sweets. That could imply “enthusiasm,” such as a lust for life. It’s nice to be enthusiastic about something.
- An intense longing: That could be an intense longing for someone or anything at all. There’s nothing seriously wrong with this either.
- An unrestrained sexual desire: Okay, now we’re getting closer to the naughty side. We might say that lust is a physical need for someone.
What Is the Definition of Love?
Can we say that if we love someone, then we do not need lust? Maybe so. Many relationships function like that, two people loving each other and respecting each other.
Let's review some definitions of love from Webster's Dictionary. I'll include comments explaining how they compare with lust.
- Strong affection arising out of kinship or personal ties: The love of family members is unmistakably an example where we can love someone and never have feelings of lust.
- Warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion: That's an essential factor of love. When partners have all these feelings, they tend to be committed to the relationship for sharing a lifetime together.
- Unselfish concern for the good of another: It's terrific to be loyal and have an interest in the welfare of one's partner. But that can apply to many types of relationships, such as having concerns for business associates.
The Dilemma of Love, Lust, and Respect
Some people can only lust after another when they don't respect them. I found some agreement among men and women about this. I also found others who deny that lust has anything to do with a healthy relationship. You be the judge.
Many relationships start with lust, but others function fine with love and respect exclusively.
Oh, there’s that R-word! No, not relationship. I’m referring to respect. The premise of this discussion is to determine how respect can hinder the strong emotional feelings of lust that can help make a healthy relationship romantic.
Allow me to propose this idea to contemplate. When a man respects a woman, he can't love her with a strong sense of lust. That is a bold statement for me to make. It certainly does not apply to all men. However, from my observation, it does explain the mental attitude of some men.
In my opinion, those who function solely on lust can only love someone who they don't respect. Can this be a healthy relationship?
How do they interpret love? Are they confusing love with lust? I think so. A man will find it difficult to respect a woman who he lusts after if that is the only feeling he has towards her. (This can apply to women's feelings towards men too, but I'll focus on this from a man's point of view for the sake of this discussion.)
Thinking this way, a man will never have the satisfaction of lust in a healthy, loving relationship. Is it correct to say that a man can only feel lust for a woman when he has a lack of respect for her?
That’s what I’m attempting to determine. And I’ll deduce that for you with the remaining points below.
The Confusion of Mixing Lust With Respect
If a man who is in an emotional affair starts to fall in love with a woman who he respects, then he may find himself confused with having the thoughts of love and lust at the same time.
He finds himself treating her with total respect. He treats her like a princess. He wants everything for her. He wants to make her happy. But with all this respect and caring, can he still lust after her?
Can he be transparent with her and share secret lustful joys with her? He might be sheltering her from his erotic thoughts, or he might be afraid to share them with her due to his respect for her.
Now, this brings me to an important consideration. Is it merely a normal sexual behavior that adds joy and entertainment to a relationship?
Erotic thoughts are not terrible, and every good and healthy relationship includes this kind of sharing. It opens the door for sexual expression between a man and a woman.
Why, then, is there an issue with opening up emotionally with a woman with whom the man has total respect?
Is respect creating a brick wall? Is it hindering any ability to make an emotionally united partnership out of it?
Is it correct to say that love and lust are mutually exclusive? That is to say, that we can have either one but not both?
I know many men who have chosen a life with a woman who is not right for them. They married out of lust, not love. In some cases that works, because love develops from it. Well, sometimes it does, but it's not my cup of tea. I want love and lust, as well as respect.
The Power of Lust
If you have lust with someone and you fall in love, the love will keep you together, and the lust will keep the relationship alive.
In my opinion, lust is essential for a relationship to flourish. We certainly need love, no question about it. But without lust, the romance in a relationship can dwindle over time.
It’s lust that keeps some types of people from seeking other partners. Other types of people have the desire to remain faithful simply because of the love they feel.
I believe that "lust" has a lot to do with having a deep-felt, loving relationship—as long as one can combine it with respect. In a healthy relationship, if you love each other, that love continues to feed on itself.
If you started with lust and discovered later that the person is someone you can respect, then love may follow, and you stay together. However, if you respect someone before developing lust or love, then when you do fall in love, lust is difficult to discover. Does that make sense?
The Science Behind Lust and Love
Understanding how chemical reactions in the brain are responsible for feelings of lust and love may help make sense of this.
Falling in Lust
Lust causes the prefrontal cortex—the section of the brain that manages rational behavior—to shut down. On the other hand, the hypothalamus starts pumping testosterone and estrogen, which triggers desire.1
Other chemicals, such as dopamine and norepinephrine make a person feel excited and euphoric.2
Falling in Love
When a person goes beyond lust and falls in love, they experience a drop in serotonin. Serotonin provides a sense of being in control and helps prevent anxiety, so when they experience this drop, a person can become obsessed with things that can cause anxiety—aka, their love interest.
They also experience increased activity in the ventral pallidum, which encourages motivation for long-term companionships.3
So, Can Love and Lust Coexist in a Relationship?
The fact is that we want to spend our life with someone we truly love. Passion can be an enjoyable component of a relationship. But if it’s only for lust, then something is wrong.
A relationship built solely on lust will probably not last past the honeymoon phase. But it can open the door to mutual respect and love. You will eventually know the difference.
If you're in a loving and respectful relationship, but it's devoid of lust, that's fine if the love is strong enough. If lust is desired, then help one another create it with honest and thoughtful communication. Some people feel that it's part of romance.
The trick is to start with lust, then fall deeply in love, and let the respect develop later. However, there is no way to control the order of things. It's all part of life. There's no need to overanalyze. Just go with the flow and be happy with one another.
Reader Survey . . .
References
- Jill Seladi-Schulman, Ph.D. (January 31, 2022). “Hypothalamus Overview” - Healthline
- Cathy Cassata. (December 11, 2015). “What Is Norepinephrine?” - Everyday Health
- Kyle S Smith, Amy J Tindell, J Wayne Aldridge, Kent C Berridge. (Oct 8, 2008). “Ventral pallidum roles in reward and motivation” - National Library of Medicine
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
© 2012 Glenn Stok
If this inspired you, share your thoughts . . .
Glenn Stok (author) from Long Island, NY on July 21, 2020:
Boris Miller-Kurakin - Thanks for your well written explanation of your personal experience. I’m somewhat confused, however, that you say I’m totally wrong when everything you mentioned confirms what I discussed in my article. I’m wondering if you actually read through it.
Boris Miller-Kurakin on July 21, 2020:
I have to say I very much disagree with you. Specifically when it comes to sex. Sex can have two sides to it, romantic and erotic (sometimes mixtures of both).
Now with my last partner I obviously felt deeply in love, we often had sex that was romantic in nature (i.e. geared toward enjoying our mutual feelings of compassion and love for each other).
However We also have another kind of sex, a more erotic sex. This sex was definitely not romantic in nature, and was very much seslfish. It involved particular fetishes on both our parts (dominance on mine, submission on hers). This was very much about lust, and indeed it was very selfish for both of us, in either case we were concerned with what we wanted and I in particular in bed mostly just considered what I wanted. Now this isn't to say that it also wasn't what she wanted, quite the contrary she enjoyed the submissive role, this is one of the reasons we had great chemistry in the bedroom. This sex was a cornerstone of our relationship and our sexual attitude was key to our rapport (both in and out of the bedroom). None of this reduced the love I felt, nor did I feel I didn't respect her (quite the contrary).
This obviously contradicts much of your theory, so I guess I'd have to say you're totally wrong
Glenn Stok (author) from Long Island, NY on June 11, 2020:
Natalie Galan - Thanks for sharing your personal experience Natalie. No two people are alike, and we all have unique issues to understand.
Natalie Galan on June 11, 2020:
This was a very relevant topic for me ATM. I have recently reflected on how I yearn so bad to have someone in my life to live and yet all I seem to be experiencing is love. That brings me to another point that you didn't address and I find quite interesting. The individual. Where are they at in their life, for example. For myself, I find that I lust very, very easily. That being said, it also quickly turns into feeling of love and equally respect. Because I also give those things easily to others, including sexual partners. So my list, with features of love and respect mean I fall for people right off the bat. This seems romantic. Unfortunately it has led to many, many upsets and tears. Because, well, here I am and they are not. I think there may be others out there who also fall fast and fall hard so I wanted to share this.
It's an experience that seems on par with what you've discussed, with a little difference because, for example, the love etc part seems to come much quicker than 12 months.
Alas, thanks Glenn, for the info.
Cheers,
Natalie
Glenn Stok (author) from Long Island, NY on May 03, 2020:
Kushal - Thank you for your feedback and kind words on how you felt about this article. It’s always good to know that my portrayal of life has such an impact on others.
Kushal on May 03, 2020:
Sir, I do not have a question for you but I would like to say that what you have written I can reverberate and relate to perhaps 100%. I have never come across an article that so immaculately describes the 3 emotions/feelings and how each relate to each other. Thank you for writing this. Couldn't find the comments section therefore posted this here. Apologies in case you find this inappropriate
Glenn Stok (author) from Long Island, NY on July 16, 2019:
Camilla - You got my definition of lust correct, and your review of respect is quite complete. These issues are what makes it so complicated for some people. Then again, others find it a simple matter. As you do. Partners in a relationship such as yours might have the ability to have both love and lust exist at the same time. That’s a great thing to achieve since both are wonderful feelings.
Camilla on July 16, 2019:
I don't really see how respect would be a problem in love or lust. Isn't respect even required to lust someone? And isn't deep respect the same as loving someone? Or by respect you perhaps mean "admiration," then isn't that what infatuation is? Respect, as in "having due regard for the feelings, wishes and rights of others" is something that should be a given. Don't you generally respect other people? Maybe you should have focused on defining respect and love instead of lust.
To me:
To Lust someone: To have the great desire to sleep with that person. It's only physical. You might think about them all the time, but you're only thinking about sex or how hot they are.
"To feel a connection," you feel "something," but it's not love or infatuation. Maybe you feel lust at the same time, or perhaps just this feeling. You feel connected and talking to that person feels intimate. You care about them, but your heart wouldn't break if you lost them.
To be in love: The butterflies and joy you feel with that special someone. The world is more beautiful, food tastes better, and everything is more fun and delightful when you're with that person. You often think about how lucky you are and how wonderful they are as a person. Putting the person on a pedestal, "he's the worlds most kind person." It's not sexual at all.
To love someone: The warm feeling in the heart of really, really caring for someone. Their well-being is more important than anything. You are forgiving, accepting, and wouldn't judge them.
Respect: You accept that the person is the way he/she is. You don't judge or look down on them.
Now I think you can experience all of the above at the same time or at least shift between them within one relationship. I know I do.
Glenn Stok (author) from Long Island, NY on July 16, 2019:
Sy - Those are normal feelings. Take your time with it and try not to think about it too much. You'll know in time how the relationship is going and what it means to both of you.
Sy on July 16, 2019:
I have been reading a lot of articles, because this morning I woke up asking myself what I felt for him while a day ago I was sure I loved him. I notice I have a strong sexual desire for him, lately I feel it has been way to strong, there have been times when he is talking and I’m just thinking like “shut up and kiss me”, and I feel I should be like that. I feel this relationship started to quick, everything went so fast, and we were not even friends before staring being lovers. I’m not saying I don’t care about the intimacy talk, it’s just sometimes I feel so turned up. I totally enjoy him, we have visited museums and parks, and I really feel myself with him.
And I don’t know why I’m asking myself if this is real, like if this is really love, or I’m just listing and I don’t know the difference.
I have asked myself “what if he cheats?” “can you just be away from him?”
And I wouldn’t be able to feel okay if he cheated, and I wouldn’t either like to be away, but even if all this, I doubt, and I don’t know why I’m doubting, I don’t j is what I’m feeling
Glenn Stok (author) from Long Island, NY on June 19, 2019:
David S. - Lust shouldn’t make it awkward. As long as you also have love and respect, you both should be able to talk about it and get over the awkwardness.
David S. on June 19, 2019:
It started off with pure attraction and chemistry, but lust wasn't present until recently. I’ve known her for about 3 years in our work environment and we clicked from the start. At the time, she had a boyfriend. But that didn’t stop me. I just backed off and gave her space.
Now she's recently single and I'm back now. The connection is even more intense and awkward because of lust!
My point is: Love, respect, and lust all play a part in a relationship. From my experience, it’s all about how you both want to proceed.
Glenn Stok (author) from Long Island, NY on June 06, 2019:
Adrian - You pinpointed the issue that I think affects lots of people.
I believe we create our own conflicts by the way we consider things. Maybe if you can think of "lust" as a good thing, you might be able to avoid the conflict in your mind.
Adrian on June 06, 2019:
In my experience, lust and respect are a difficult conflict.
But not getting enough of either only increases the need for both.
When I respect a girl/woman, I deeply feel as if I'm not worthy enough.
So It creates a constant ongoing conflict in my head.
But then, I also can't lust after after a girl whom I don't respect, because I need to like/respect her to desire her.
So usually it results into a deadlock where I'm stuck not doing anything.
Lust and respect are needed at the same time for me but they also are in conflict
Glenn Stok (author) from Long Island, NY on April 02, 2019:
Kristy - Your two descriptions provide a great example of the issues involved. To answer your question, I can only say that we can’t expect people to change. So we need to decide for ourselves what’s more important in our lives. However, your explanation is very meaningful and needs to be considered when deciding who is better suited as a lifetime mate.
Kristy on April 01, 2019:
Glenn, thank you for the insight on this topic. I was searching info about being “in lust” with someone and I 100% agree that you can have feelings of lust and develop a deep love for that person but I think the problem is when that happens first, a man often is unable to respect the woman fully. Here’s my experience.... I was being courted by two different men. One of them seemed like it wasn’t a choice at all because we had so much lust for each other that it became so intense right away and then developed into an emotional connection and love. The problem is our personalities are not suited well for each other and often times feel disrespected or misunderstood by the other but because we have this intense physical and emotional connection we always seem to smooth things out because of the intense desire to be together.
Now in contrast the other guy that was courting me in the beginning was a great person, our personalities were very well suited for each other, so we developed a deep understanding and respect for one another. However initially our intimate relationship was good but then began to feel like we had entered the “friends zone” romantically and I truly believe it’s because he actually loved and respected me and that made it impossible to “objectify” me sexually (I don’t mean this in a negative way) but think it speaks to lusting after someone. Which made the romantic relationship dwindle into this friendship that remained just that.
I think that lust and love are what make things interesting and can keep two people together but eventually if a basic level of respect does not occur the relationship will be like a ticking time bomb waiting to blow up because everyone wants to feel respected by others. And if a person does not have a need for the excitement of lust in a relationship they are unlikely to be affected by its absence in their relationship but if they are like most people the absence of lust can cause them to look elsewhere to find it.
Any thoughts on how to make changes to be more considerate and respectful without extinguishing the feelings of lust?
Enna Lou on March 17, 2019:
Thank you for your advice!
Glenn Stok (author) from Long Island, NY on March 16, 2019:
Enna Lou - You’re asking the right questions. The answers are more complex, however. The most important thing you can do is to discuss your feelings with him. Don’t keep your feelings to yourself. Together, you will come to understand what’s happening emotionally. You may even discover that you both have the same issue, which will help you appreciate one another even more.
Enna Lou on March 16, 2019:
I really love this article and appreciate Teresa's comment, because it helped me understand more about lust.
I was wondering how can one "wake up" the feeling of lust, when love and respect are in the way?
I am in a relationship with this amazing person. I love him and respect him so much, that the feeling of lust comes and goes, what really bothers me. It bothers me because before i got used to feel lust with other people and in this relationship (which is the healthiest i was in), the lust seems to be missing. I am attracted to him, but i miss that feeling of really wanting someone.
Glenn Stok (author) from Long Island, NY on December 03, 2018:
Thanks for that reply Teresa. I appreciate your input. It all boils down to the fact that respect needs to be part of the puzzle, no matter who lusts for the other. Without respect, I wouldn’t consider a relationship to be worthy of a meaningful partnership.
Teresa on December 03, 2018:
I suppose what I said was a little different from what the title of the article was asking about. I suppose they can, in a way, if there is respect.
I suppose that if a woman lusted after a man, it could result in the same scenario. I don't know of any real life example of that actually happening with anyone I know personally, though I did read a story about that happening. It doesn't seem as likely, because women (at least most women) seem to be wired differently from men.
A while ago, I had a conversation with a friend about what had happened with that online "friend" of mine, about how I found myself developing feelings for him when I felt that I had a real emotional bond with him, and he said that I seem to be demisexual. I've just read a little about what this means, and I think I am. I can't speak for all women, but I suspect that many (if not most) other women are also. A person who is demisexual needs to feel an emotional bond with someone before they can really be sexually attracted to them.
So, I suppose this scenario COULD happen in reverse, but not with a woman who is demisexual. I suspect that most women probably are, though not all are. And I think that usually, unless the person has some kind of disorder, where there is a real emotional bond, there is at least some respect.
Glenn Stok (author) from Long Island, NY on December 02, 2018:
Teresa - Thank you for your enlightening comment. You explained these issues very well and you gave very clear examples of the problem that occurs if lust comes first without developing into love. This view is different from my questioning if love and lust can coexist, which is the title of this article. However, your example is an important added consideration.
Your point focuses on the male lusting after a woman. I’d like to know your opinion if the woman lusts first, without developing a loving feeling. Could it result in the same scenario—in your opinion?
Teresa on December 02, 2018:
I disagree that the feelings of lust have to come first. I feel that the exact opposite is the case. I have found that when someone lusts after someone without first developing respect for them, they simply use them and throw them away and never come to respect them. Respect needs to come first, before anything sexual happens, for a real, healthy relationship.
When guys say that they need to first have sex with a woman before they can consider having a serious romantic relationship with her, they're lying. They just want to have sex without any real relationship. They're hoping that some woman will be lonely and desperate enough to give them what they want in the hopes of MAYBE getting some real love in return. Sorry if that sounds cynical, but that's what I think.
You do make an interesting point, though, about there being a conflict between lust and respect. I would agree that respect does prevent lust, but that is because lust actually indicates a lack of respect. Lust, in my opinion, is more than just strong feelings of sexual attraction. Lusting after someone means desiring someone sexually with the intent, or the desire, to use that person to fulfill one's own sexual desires, with no regard for that person's feelings, or how it affects the other person in any way.
Even if you begin with respect, before lust has developed, it is still possible to develop strong feelings of sexual attraction. I know. I've experienced it. I had developed a great deal of respect for my current boyfriend before the feelings of physical desire developed.
I think the main problem with this article is the way lust is defined. Lust involves more than just strong feelings of sexual desire, it also involves a lack of respect, and seeing the other person as a mere sexual object.
I've also had the experience of having someone lust after me. I made the mistake of giving in (even though we never met in person) and sex chatting with him online. After he had gotten what he wanted, he had no more use for me. He stopped talking to me, unfriended me, and deleted all the virtual gifts that I had sent him. That's what happens when the person lusting gets what they want before they've developed any respect for the other person. They just use them and then throw them away like garbage.
Glenn Stok (author) from Long Island, NY on October 09, 2017:
Well said Edy. I find that idea interesting that love and lust become neutral. The way you explained it, it makes sense.
Edy on October 09, 2017:
You just need to combine them! Learn how to combine Love and Lust and Respect will come in time.
“Every reaction has an equal and opposite reaction". I keep seeing people arguing over Lust and Love, but Lust is not Evil and Love is not Good–both of them are Neutral. They become good or evil when altered by our perception or situation.
Just imagine a couple. They stay in the same house, they have fights, ups and downs, extreme situations, moments when they want to quit...but they don’t. As time passes they grow to know each other better, they function better together, and they trust each other.
Glenn Stok (author) from Long Island, NY on June 26, 2017:
Lennard Curvan, Thank you for your very detailed and meaningful contribution with your comment. I would think your thoughts are a guiding light for those who struggle with these issues.
Lennard Curvan on June 26, 2017:
I started reading this article about the three main teams love, lust and respect. I think this is quite an interesting article. However somewhere down the line, my head started spinning from all the different thoughs. This is even though they are quite interesting.
First I just wanted to say that in defining anything we sometimes come up with many answers. This is simply because the answers we have for any topic is answered based upon our triditional, cultural, religious, social or other wise background.
When we meet someone we can have great love for that person, maybe even the other way around, great lust, maybe just respect, or even a mixture of all three. I will not comment about what is wrong or right. I will just keep that to myself (not being selfish).
What we should realize is that our relationship is really based on an agreement that we will stay together for life. We are not perfect so for what ever reason if that didn't happen, try to do it right the next time.
The love, lust, and respect you have the rest of your life to work on. You can perfect your combination by learning and cultivating new habits to make things better. The best thing in that situation is to see how you can better serve the other person. In time, you both can grow and change for the better.
You want more love. Learn how to be more loving and eventually it may come back to you. You want more respect, be always respectful and it will return back to you. You want more mutual feelings (lust as you will say), cultivate that and you will eventually reap a great harvest.
If all of those things don't work. Thank God for the patience, the longsuffering, the kindness and all his wonderful attributes you are learning from just trying to be a better person in your relationship. Life is to short. Learn to be the best you you can be, for others. Eventually you will leave this world a better place. We all have to go sometime.
Our habits don't just affect the person that is close to us. We leave a little piece in the puzzle of life that affects the entire outcome of humanity for eternity.
Glenn Stok (author) from Long Island, NY on April 14, 2017:
She-Wolf 1988 - Sounds like that arrangement is working for you. That's all that matters.
She-Wolf 1988 on April 14, 2017:
My spouse and I have been together for (at the time writing this 13 going on 14 years). we had gotten together our freshman year of high school. We have times where we just do a quick kiss then go to bed then, there are times we are on each other still acting like a couple of horny teenagers. Neither of us has really felt the need to get married (not that we haven't talked about it). just the funny thing is we got together after trying to help each other in an anger management group being done while we were in school. he was having issues with one of his sisters, and I was having "Daddy issues"(parents had recently gotten divorced at that time.{may explain my resistance to getting married right away}).
Glenn Stok (author) from Long Island, NY on June 12, 2015:
David, And in return, I thank you for validating my thoughts on this matter. It's probably more common than we realize.
David on June 12, 2015:
This whole idea of love/lust has been stressing me out lately. I've recently made the decision to commit to a woman whom I've been enjoying wonderful sex with, and it's almost like my physical desire for her has disappeared overnight. The stronger the feelings are in my chest, the lesser they are in my loins. Cannot tell you how reassuring it is to have this article validate my experience.
Isaac on December 18, 2014:
Lust alone ruins; Love respects; and respect may not always love, but it does at times and when that happens, adoration of the respected-lusted after individual takes root.... To keep things in perfect harmony, love must reign supreme in order to find lust and respect... It's a great thought...thank you very much..
Glenn Stok (author) from Long Island, NY on June 24, 2014: