I recently met someone on a dating site. I easily got comfortable talking to him and thought that I already found the person I meant to spend the rest of my life with. He awakened my heart and soul. He made me feel something that I have not felt for quite a long time. He gave me hope and so much more that I could not wait to meet him and spend few days with him.
We made plans about seeing each other and our future together. Everything felt right with him and I was convinced that my heart was finally in the right place and I was with the right person. Everything was so easy with him. We did not have much arguments and we were comfortable with each other.
We talked everyday for two months and never ran out of topics to talk about. I asked him if I can call him but he told me that he was not comfortable yet for he has anxiety issues. I accepted his reasons and went easy on him. I understood him as I was so afraid to lose him.
One day, we talked about religion and I found out that he is a Muslim while I am a Catholic. I knew right then that there is no way he will convert to my religion and my family would not let me convert to his. I knew in deep inside me that the relationship would not last. I knew that it was not the relationship I was praying for. I tried to get past it coz one's religion was never a big deal to me. I tried to disregard our differences and gave our relationship a chance.
There came a time when I became busy at work. I sometimes skipped meals just to finish my tasks and had less than 5 hours of sleep everyday. He never asked me about my day or even asked if I was okay. I would sometimes sleep with a heavy heart and convinced myself that he never cared about me.
Do not get me wrong, I really loved him. I thought that despite of our religions, we could make our relationship work as others were able to do it. But religion was really the least of my concerns but it was more of the question of love. I have been in a loveless relationship before that I knew how it feels to be lonely even if you have someone in your life. I knew what it feels to make all the efforts just to make the relationship work.
It took me some weeks overthinking until I decided to face the inevitable. I knew that my family would never approve of him because of his religion and it would be hard to build a family someday with two different beliefs. I then realized that the true measure of love is tested during difficult times, when you have to let go of someone you really love because you do not want to hurt him even more in the long run. True love is about seeing your reflection in someone that you would do anything not to hurt him.
I made myself look like a jerk and told him that I will be busy with work even if I know that I can dedicate my time for him no matter how busy I can be. I never wanted him to feel bad for having a different religion. I never wanted to change him for I loved him for all that he is. I know how much our religion means to us. I want him to have someone else who could love all his parts and would never want to change him. I want him to be loved by someone who can fight for him and will choose him at all costs.
I cried for days and blamed myself for breaking up with him. I felt horrible for hurting him and I cut any communication with him. I slept everyday with a heavy heart and I stopped talking to people around me. Until one day, I decided to talk to a friend and he told me all the things I need to hear which made me realize these:
1. There was no relationship to begin with.
There is no relationship without communication. We texted everyday but never talked about deeper things. It took months before I knew his religion, his hobbies and his occupation. We planned about our future even if we didn't spend time knowing each other more. He sent me memes but never bothered to ask about me or my day. He never even told me about his feelings for me. We broke up but I never had any chance to hear his voice or to talk to him via video call.
2. I really do not know him.
I just know his first name, his birthday, his company but I do not know much more about him. I do not know what makes him happy, sad, angry and many other things. I do not know how he smiles, cries, gets mad, etc. I do not know anything about his story or his family. I do not know his dreams and goals in life. We were just connecting on the most basic level.
3. I was too naive to trust him and plan a life with him.
There was a time when I was worrying about our differences and hurting him in the long run. What I failed to understand is that there was not even a deeper level of communication between us and yet I was planning my life with him on it. I got a connection with him and I believed his every word and started thinking about our future together. My fear of being alone pushed me to thinking that I have found the love of my life and made me hope that he would see me as his too.
I heard success stories on online dating from others but in my case, loneliness became the reason for me to believe that I can find the right man online. Even in any kind of relationship, loneliness should not be the factor to be with someone. It is a combination of love, respect, loyalty and communication.