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Strategies for Victims of Parental Alienation Syndrome

Research about PAS began for me around 2008 and is ongoing with reviews of countless articles, books, research, films & specialists.


Parental Alienation Syndrome Support

Suffering from Parental Alienation Syndrome? Find hope and ways to cope. Learn ways to protect yourself and benefit from the support of others who've been there. Few people who aren't victims of parent alienation are even aware of what it IS! This can make the heartache and pain even worse, when family members and even counselors, etc. just do not GET it.

Reach out to the networks provided on this page and sources of information that hopefully will smooth your path toward resolution and recovery. It's a rough road, so bless you on your journey. Hang in there and have courage. Sending virtual (hugs) and strength to make the right decisions for your children and to be resilient and persistent during difficult times.

  • What is Parental Alienation Syndrome?
    Parental alienation syndrome and co parenting with a toxic ex and are extremely difficult custody battles in high conflict divorce. Are you an estranged parent? Learn what PAS means!

Actions that May Help Fight PAS

Alleviate the Effects of Parental Alienation Syndrome

1) Maintain personal boundaries. Make your emotional and physical boundaries clear to protect against the influences of the alienating parent. If phone calls tend to get ugly and upset you, then why continue talking with this person over the phone when it obviously is not constructive? Requesting phone calls ONLY in the case of an emergency is a very reasonable boundary. Do not attempt to appease, this would be impossible given that the alienating parent is driven by a desire to destroy the targeted parent.

2) Focus on YOU! Remember that we cannot change others, but we CAN change the ways we respond to them. Focus on altering your own behavior and not that other parent. To do otherwise is to just waste your energy, and you need it. For example, if you begin to ignore phone calls from the alienating parent, that in itself is a message and will guard you from negative influence.

3) Resist feeling intimidated by the alienating parent. This is critical, since they get their power from frightening, threatening and intimidating you. Do NOT give them this power. Practice responding in an aloof and calm way. End the conversation if it becomes too much for you, but do NOT show fear or rage or any other signs of intimidation. Express your emotions to a close friend or counselor, ANYONE but the alienating parent. It is quite normal to HAVE such feelings, but be very careful in how and where you express them.

4) Strive to be PROACTIVE rather than REACTIVE to the behavior of the alienated parent. Many targeted parents exhaust themselves trying to reason with and convince the alienating parent, to explain that what they are doing is harmful and unfair to the children. This is a waste of time. Stop. It actually can makes things worse because it gives them power and provides more opportunities for them to create conflict.

5) Do not attempt to negotiate. Alienating parents are not interested in negotiating. They will not consider anything that deviates from their own agenda. Likewise do not attempt mediation. The process of mediation can only work if the parties involved enter into the process in good faith and with the purpose of finding a mutually agreeable solution based on compromise. Parents who alienate are not in the least interested in compromise anymore than they are interested in negotiations.

6) Keep being a good parent. Do not give in to pressures to overlook poor or inappropriate behavior in your child. Be loving, consistent and firm in your words, actions and expectations. Be available to your child and actively listen to them when they want to talk.

7) Educate yourself about parallel parenting techniques and strive toward those strategies rather than trying to coerce the other parent to be rational and cooperative.

8) Get Support - Therapy can be critical, however choose carefully. Many therapists do not have specific training about PAS and if this is the case, the therapy may end up doing more harm than good. PAS is quite complex and requires a deep level of understanding. Same with friends or family members - avoid the mistake of assuming they will understand. Most will NOT get it, and end up blaming you.

Websites With Support for PAS

Victim to Hero

Search YouTube for the channel: VictimToHero

The lady who created the channel is a PhD named Dr. Petra Deeter. The focus is mostly on free programs both at YouTube and her website. She is not a therapist nor medical professional. Unlike others, she's not trying to sell anything. Apparently she does have a few private clients (by referral only), but that is not at all the thrust of her program called 'VictimToHero Institute'. She also provides training and presentations for judges, state and local bar associations, and mental health professionals (this is SO needed, can be found on the main 'Victim to Hero' website).

She refers to herself as a parental alienation strategist. The terms 'alienated' and 'estranged' are quite similar, though maybe not identical in meaning. I would say that if you as a parent are estranged from a son or daughter and are not guilty of abuse and/or neglect, then the term 'alienated' quite likely applies.

There are many 'playlists' or video collections. One that is unique and popular is the series where she interviews alienated children who have been estranged from a parent for many years, as that perspective is one we rarely see. Of course every story is different, but many did finally become aware of mind games, lies and brainwashing that resulted in broken families and then to tell their stories. There are at least 6 videos in that section, with about 4 people interviewed in each one as case studies. It is the second playlist section that has these interviews.

Many other related categories or video playlists are posted there, including interviews with experts, public awareness, winning in court, etc. The BEST new resource found in recent years.

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Videos about Parental Alienation Syndrome

Dr. Amy Baker advises on how to reach out to an alienated child.

At the link below, you will find a list of experts & professionals with regard to parent alienation. Consider contacting one of them to support you through the family courts.

Experts & Professionals - Parent Alienation

Can't afford a lawyer and need legal advice? Many can't. Search Legal Aid and also search for attorneys in your city who are not-for-profit and may be willing to represent you on a sliding scale fee based on income.

Here's another option right on your computer...need an answer right away to a specific legal question? Ask Family Lawyers Now. Now I've no idea whether these lawyers have any training or experience specifically about parent alienation, so you might ask that question first. Regardless of other training and experience, I'm not convinced that any lawyer without knowledge about parent alienation would be able to help you. Still it might be worth a try as one affordable option.

Stand UP to PAS!

Stand UP to PAS!

Parental Alienation Syndrome Intervention

Never give up hope. Believe in a future of love with your child. Once you are aware of the controversies and complications surrounding PAS, then you already realize that there are no simple answers or quick solutions. That does NOT mean there's nothing you can do. We can't change the world, but we CAN change the ways we respond to it. We can learn from others to deal with such sickness with dignity and integrity.

Support Groups for Victims of Parental Alienation

List of Cases Where Judge Found Parent Guilty of PAS

  • Parental Alienation Case Law
    Dr, Richard A. Warshak is an author and psychologist who documented cases in several countries where the judge found a parent guilty of parental alienation. There are nearly 200 cases on his list, last updated in 2011.

Song Lyrics about Parent Alienation

Singer & songwriter Kimberly Griswold has created music about parent alienation that conveys the anguish of this affliction in a way like no other. The lyrics below to her song entitled "My Only Mistake" particularly resonated with me.



You can listen to this and other songs by Kimberly Griswold at the link below. The link below has lyrics and allows mp3 downloads.

Music by Kimberly Griswold

Broken Family

Broken Family

This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.

© 2010 Carolan Ross

PAS Support Guestbook - Comments

Carolan Ross (author) from St. Louis, MO on June 21, 2014:

@glittlefield: I feel your pain. SO sorry this is happening. Your anger and hurt is understandable, it unfortunately just adds fuel to the fire of abusive behaviors. Many actually ENJOY when they can 'get your goat' and will try hard to anger you. In the end, all that anger energy is either wasted or results in worse results. Better to vent to a close friend and remain aloof around your kids' dad.

glittlefield on June 19, 2014:

Did you get my post?

glittlefield on June 19, 2014:

Mine is a story after the kids were raised. Looking back I see what he did while they were growing up even tho they were in my custody. I always thought I raised them right and they'd see it. Well they didn't have a relationship with their dad that had any substance to it. I bought a car from my 3 kids to give their dad so they would have something to build a relationship with. We all moved to the SW. They married and had grandchildren. Their 1/2 brother and sister moved sw also so he has stopped to visit our kids often. About that time my son started telling lies about me and turned his back on me and his stepfather. He eventually thro us out of his home ( because his girlfriend said I didn't talk to him) ?? I babysat my grandson all day and my son worked 12 hrs a day I didn't hardly see him. Them came a lie that he gave me 100,000 dollars and I caused him bk. never happened. He never had that kind of money . Really? I got very depressed as his girlfriend told me off constantly and told me things all 3 of my grown children were saying about me. I blew. I said things I shouldn't. I defended myself when I shouldn't. My daughter wanted me to go to counseling and the words out of her mouth were her fathers ! I was pissed. I walked out. He's lied to them for yrs. they used to come home from visitation scared to death of me. Now I am not able to see my daughter or her family. Her dad had just been at her house before I arrived I was moving near her to be close to family. I was gone in a week. She's called me a liar dillussional and all kinds of things. She won't talk to me and it's been 8 -9 mths. I have never lied to her. My middle daughter who gets overlooked for a dad's visit is in touch with me but I feel her upset about me and her brother and sister. I look at pictures and read letters because I do not believe this is happening. I was there when every grandchild was born except this last one that I haven't met. I couldn't come because dad was going to be there. I didn't go but dad didn't show either. 2 weeks later I asked again to meet the baby again told no because dad was coming. He never showed again. 3rd time I got the same treatment and told no. My son invited me to his wedding. I went. Never told color or any details. His father walked him down the aisle and they both gave me the worst look. I was stunned. This father didn't come to but 1 function and called our son 1 a yr because it hurt him to bad. I used to talk with him and convince him to call or check on our son when he was in college and got nothing. After the first gave birth he guilt tripped her because he wasn't there and I was. That happened with all the grand babies 5 and then the 6th I never met. I blew up at my son for mistreating me and haven't heard from him since. I told his dad where to go. Now I am on the outside and am sure I proved him right with my frustration! I really need advice. There is so much I can see but can't talk to the kids let alone share this. We are talking 33,36,38 yr olds with small children. All of the babies I was close to. I am depressed as hell.

Carolan Ross (author) from St. Louis, MO on December 04, 2012:

@Millionairemomma: thanks so much!

Carolan Ross (author) from St. Louis, MO on December 04, 2012:

@anonymous: Yes, mere words cannot adequately describe such utter shock and the anguish and deep pain of PAS. Thanks so much for this comment and do not give in to hopelessness even though I realize that is difficult. To give in only gives the abusive person more power over you and your kids.

anonymous on December 04, 2012:

@anonymous: Words can't even cover the hopelessness and powerlessness of this type of circumstance. I'm in an alarmingly similar one....I only yesterday found out that PAS is a real thing, and that what I've been dealing with for years has a name, and the terrifying realization that this is actually what's happening....AND that my two boys actually believe him given all they've experienced and seen throughout their lifetime. I am panicked and heartsick, and I know with absolution how you're feeling. Prayers and a hope for peace and victory.... I'm sending lots of that to you.

anonymous on October 09, 2012:

I cannot believe this is happening to me. I allowed him to keep controlling me after 4 years being divorced. He has my two daughters ages 13 and 17, and they call me a liar, tell me to stop harrassing them, say I abandonded them, when I was afraid to go pick them up. I was very depressed in my marriage and he took everything, being the worse my girls wrote declarations to the judge stating they don't want to be near me anymore. I was the one who worked full time and had the benefits for the family and I became depressed and made bad choices. He had the strong attorney and the big family behind him. All along after our divorce he had his plan in place to destroy me. I go to court in two days against my ex husband who masters the art of manipulation. This time, I have a very strong attorney, he is representing himself. But, my daughters have declarations that they don't want visitation with me, and they say they never want to stay with me again. I have written pages and pages of memories of verbal and physical abuse, when I read them over they sound weak. I made bad choices in my 16 year marriage with a complete manipulator who barely worked and wanted my money, and my mother is very wealthy. My daughters bring up events that happened in the past, because I never was brave enough to explain, or any time I tried to explain, they would interrupt, and not listen. Now, I am going to lose them and I am dying inside. I need advice please..

Millionairemomma on May 18, 2012:

Another amazing lens in PAS.

Traceeshobbies on January 17, 2012:

I don't agree at all on how to basically ignore the alienating parent. This does not work they will just call the police or the courts and accuse you of something, anything they can think of and if you refuse to speak with them they will keep your children from you. The mess just gets bigger!

LetLoveBe on October 23, 2011:

my blog post on this subject

LetLoveBe on October 23, 2011:

my blog post on this subject

LetLoveBe on October 10, 2011:

Thank you so much for this. It was parental alienation that drove me to speak out on mental abuse on the Internet. I had continued to be controlled by him out of fear of him taking my daughter from me (he had been somewhat divisive even in our marriage), but now he's done the worst, and I am no longer afraid. I followed your advice on your other lens on this subject and asked our librarian to add Parendectomy to our library. I have started a blog to my daughter & I have sent the link to one of her friends. I plan to upload a slideshow of pictures to YouTube. The Internet is really my only option for communicating my love to her--thank you for the ideas.

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