What Is the Best Way to Give Advice to a Friend?
Understanding the Attitude
Begin by Asking if They Indeed Want Help
When friends ask for advice, they may not specifically want guidance. Often, they need someone to listen and be supportive. I advised a few friends about avoiding the trouble they were having. But instead, they made their lives worse, dragging themselves deeper into a rut.
All I could do was watch it happen, and I quickly realized there was nothing I could do to help. So let's review what you need to know to advise people properly when someone asks for help. I'll include some examples I dealt with and the personal problems it causes.
Two methodologies are required when trying to help someone see the light and turn things around when in trouble:
- The person giving advice needs to understand the true nature of the problem and recognize the limitations of the person they are trying to help.
- The person accepting the advice needs to be in a frame of mind to want to listen to reason.
In many of these scenarios, avoiding getting involved is usually best, especially since our efforts would be futile anyway.
Several Pointers on the Best Way to Give Advice
Some people would rather have a life with limited success and little happiness. As a result, they allow troubling episodes in life to worsen.
I see that happen often. They have their reasons, and they feel comfortable with that lifestyle. So there is nothing we can do to change that for them. So with that in mind, let's review several things to consider doing instead.
Ask Thoughtful Questions
Giving advice starts with active listening. After listening, it’s essential to question your friend to determine what they hope to achieve from the discussion.
Explain that you need to know what they want. That will help them feel you are genuinely listening and trying to help.
So, it helps to ask thoughtful questions before going any further, such as:
- What do you value in your life?
- What are you trying to accomplish?
- Why is it important to you?
- What challenges do you believe you might face?
The answers you get from these questions could make a big difference in the advice you decide to give. When you do that right, they will appreciate you for it and recognize the value of your assistance.
Avoid Criticizing
They may be too embarrassed to continue the conversation if you dwell upon their mistakes.
It’s better to focus on the solution rather than bringing up the problems they created for themselves. They already know what they did wrong. Provide a view of the future so they have something concrete to envision.
Provide Alternative Options
Art Markman, a Ph.D. who writes for Psychology Today, recommends giving your friend information they might have overlooked. It helps to provide alternative options without giving your viewpoint on either option. That is known as "decision support," which guides someone in making their own choice.1
The trick of making your friend aware of available options allows them to think for themselves and make their own decisions.
Be Supportive
We should never give up the ability to hear where they are coming from. Unfortunately, certain types of behavior cause people to avoid doing what’s needed. They just can’t put the energy into the task required to pull them out of a bind.
You need to listen and show understanding. Then, once you have grasped the nature of their predicament and understand what they want to accomplish, you can respond with whatever needs to be said.
Offer Constructive Solutions
Don’t just say things they want to hear to make it sound good. I believe in “tough love” as the only way to be helpful.
If a friend asks for help and you have determined that they definitely want guidance, then explain what they need to do, no matter how difficult it is for them to hear it. That is the only way to give support that will help in the long run.
Suggest Professional Counseling if You Can't Help
It's best to avoid giving incorrect information. So, only offer your thoughts if you know enough to provide meaningful advice on the subject.
Be honest about that. Sometimes people ask me to help with something I don’t know anything about. In that case, it’s best to admit it and suggest a better place to go for help.
Lack of information is one of the most common reasons for making mistakes and not knowing how to get out of a bind. Therefore, it can be beneficial to seek the help of a professional.
In extreme cases, one may need professional counseling to help with severe problems. That is when a true friend will step back and suggest a more appropriate alternative to help.
How to Help People Who Don’t Listen
It's crucial to be transparent when advising someone by explaining your reasoning behind it. One needs to offer guidance to see the big picture. If you can’t help someone to see the potential for disaster, they will not be motivated to do anything about it.
When someone decides to do something that's not favorable, ask how they came to that conclusion. Then ask a more pointed question, “What are you hoping to get out of that?”
That line of questioning could help one see where they are headed. If it were not a good choice, you might ask, “Why do I feel that way?”
Feelings usually reveal the truth behind a bad decision and make things more apparent.
Once that's achieved, provide a plan of action to solve their problem.2 That’s necessary to see the results they might still be overlooking:
- Describe the obstacles.
- Identify an opportunity.
- Propose a sequence of events.
Then let them make their own decision. Once the above proposals produce a clear vision of what they need to resolve, supporting their choices may be better rather than giving specific recommendations.
How to Advice a Friend With Relationship Problems
This could be a tricky situation. If the advice deals with a spouse or partner, it’s vital to understand the problem before advising anything drastic, such as divorce. If they work things out in the future, it may negatively affect your friendship with that friend.
A friend once told me she argued with her husband over finances, and he left her. Since he had threatened her repeatedly, I told her to change the locks and not let him back in.
What did she do? She went ahead and informed him that I recommended locking him out. What good did that do?
You never know what someone will do with your suggestions. So it’s best to avoid getting involved in some cases, especially if you’re unsure how your friend reacts to advise.
If their partner has a toxic behavior that is harmful to the relationship, friendly guidance might be helpful. However, consider recommending the proper counselor trained to assist with such matters.
How to Help a Chronic Complainer
Those who repeatedly complain about their lives and awful situation are the same people who fail to work on a solution. Instead, they’d rather only keep talking about it.
When a friend continually talks your ear off about their problems, ask what they want specifically.
I usually say, “Are you feeling better telling me all this, or are you hoping for some helpful advice?”
It's best to rule out the possibility that they may be in denial and will never do what’s necessary. Otherwise, the effort may create frustration for you and your friend.
When one is in denial, they have difficulty accepting advice even when they ask for help. When that’s the case, I make it clear that I recognize they want to continue failing with what they have always done. That statement is meant to wake them up.
I also give them the option to come back when they are ready to be led down a more fruitful path. Sometimes they reconsider, especially if something happens that opens their eyes.
Understand When It’s Best to Stay Out of It
Some people who need help will outright refuse to accept any proposed solutions. We can’t help these people, and we shouldn’t even try. It will only frustrate our friends and waste our time.
These people get frustrated when friends try to help because they have unresolved emotional issues that cause them to stay in the same situation.
I have had to walk away several times when a friend would ask for advice. I knew they were in denial. They argued with all the solutions I would offer. Unfortunately, I would later discover that they made things worse. That was their choice. There is nothing we can do about it.
It will help if you determine what is going on in their mind, such as:
- What does your friend fear?
- What do they want to accomplish?
Most of all, are they looking for guidance or just someone to assure them they are doing the right thing? That’s the tricky part. If that’s what they want, you will possibly never be able to help them.
When someone is in denial, it’s hard to guide them. They make excuses for their predicament and let it continue to affect their quality of life.3
It’s unfortunate, but when people are in denial, they don’t want someone to show them the path that will help. They usually will continue to keep their head buried in the sand no matter what one tries to tell them.
A friend I was trying to help once repeatedly did the complete opposite and got herself into more or a bind.
In some cases, they might make it sound like they want help, but they really don’t. So for that reason, you need to keep an open mind while following through with guidance and consider that you might be wasting your time.
Key Takeaway
It's not always our place to guide a friend. We might not even be qualified to do it, even when we think we know the answers.
A mentor or life counselor qualified to give motivational therapy to lead one in the right direction is better when a friend is not the best suited to help.
Remember:
- Determine what they truly want from you.
- Exercise active listening.
- Avoid criticizing.
- Explain available options.
- Suggest alternative sources for help.
- Learn when not to get involved.
Resources
- Art Markman, Ph.D. (Apr 16, 2010). "What is the best way to give advice?" Psychology Today
- Kevin Daum. (Sept 3, 2014). "8 Things Really Great Problem Solvers Do." Inc.com
- Paula Spencer Scott. (Retrieved July 6, 2019). "Dealing With Denial." Caring.com
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
© 2019 Glenn Stok
Comments
Glenn Stok (author) from Long Island, NY on July 16, 2019:
Dora Weithers - Interesting point--the uncertainty of counseling results. Yes indeed.
Dora Weithers from The Caribbean on July 16, 2019:
Very helpful counsel. Some of your stories made me smile at the uncertainty of counseling results. We win some, we lose some, but as you pointed out, our genuineness is what matters.
Glenn Stok (author) from Long Island, NY on July 14, 2019:
Readmikenow - “I only know how to handle situations with my wife.“ — Great response. It keeps you out of trouble. Too bad your friend still got angry anyway. Sounds like someone to stay away from.
Readmikenow on July 14, 2019:
Glen, you are absolutely right. When I have refused to give career advice to a person they were angry because I was honest and said I didn't know anything about his industry. I had a relative get angry because I told them the truth about a legal situation. When things happened like I told them they would happen, this person got enraged at me. So, you are absolutely correct, it has to be handled carefully. A friend asked me for advice on how to handle a situation with his wife and I told him I don't know. I only know how to handle situations with my wife. He got angry. So, you wrote a very honest and accurate article. Enjoyed reading it.
Glenn Stok (author) from Long Island, NY on July 14, 2019:
Audrey Hunt - I understand what you mean. When we have empathy for others and watch them continue to make their lives worse by ignoring useful advice, it is draining on our emotions. Thanks for your comment.
Pamela Oglesby from Sunny Florida on July 14, 2019:
Glen, you have given good advice about giving others advice and more importantly, when not to give advice. I think some just want to vent even though they ask for advice. I do not want to get in the middle of a couple having problems, so I am very careful about giving advice in that instance. I will help only when I can and hope things work out for them. Very good article.
Audrey Hunt from Pahrump NV on July 13, 2019:
Glenn, you've covered this topic well. I must say that I'm a good listener and have learned through the years that it does little good to offer advice or solutions. At least, this is how it's been for me. I invest way too much of myself, due to my empathetic nature, and feel somewhat drained after listening to peoples problems.
Thanks for this helpful article!
Glenn Stok (author) from Long Island, NY on July 13, 2019:
FlourishAnyway - That’s a very useful idea. Thanks for adding that method.
Elaina Baker from USA on July 13, 2019:
When giving advice in sticky situations I find that it’s helpful to offer suggestions in the form of questions, such as, “What would it look like for you if you chose to ... ?” They take active ownership and the wheels start turning although it may be my initial idea.
Glenn Stok (author) from Long Island, NY on July 12, 2019:
Liz Westwood - Yes, and I included "listening" too in one section. Thanks for checking this out and for your feedback.
Liz Westwood from UK on July 12, 2019:
I have read your article with interest. Instinctively as I read the title I thought of the importance of listening. You make some valuable points in this article.
