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Having Anxiety About Moving in With Your Partner?

I enjoy exploring the unknown and the boundaries of love and life.

Do you have anxiety about moving in together?

Do you have anxiety about moving in together?

Nervous About Moving in With Your Partner?

Are you having anxiety about moving in with your partner? Deciding to move in with your partner can be a little nerve-racking. You may be running through some common worries: What if I am tidy and they are messy? What if I’m an introvert and they’re an extrovert?

It’s absolutely normal to feel some anxiety about cohabitating with your partner since the risk of losing a bit of independence and the challenge of learning to compromise is real. But how do you know if your anxiety about moving in together is something different and has more to do with incompatibility or unresolved relationship issues? Discover some tips below to help you deal with this anxiety and work through the issues.

1. Discuss Your Concerns

Talk to your partner about the anxiety you are experiencing before you move in together. Tell him the truth if you worry about his cleanliness and if he will be too messy for your liking. Also, if you two can’t agree on a place to cohabitate - town or location or community - let him know. If you disagree on a suitable budget, you will need to talk about this as well as it falls under the broader category of financial expectations. It’s important to work all of this out before making the big commitment to cohabitate.

Remember that your partner is not psychic and can’t read your mind, so you have to communicate what is stressing you out and talk about it in advance. In addition, you’ll want to give your partner an opportunity to talk about their concerns as well. Discussing the challenging issues that crop up between you two will only serve to strengthen your bond and improve your connection.

There is an important exception to proceeding to work through problems and committing to moving in together—if your partner has been violent to you or any of your children in the past, you should not move in with them. It’s likely that they need months of counseling. Them simply promising that they will not do it again will not fix the issues you are experiencing or stop the violence. Skip talking about these problems and put a pause on moving in. Please call the domestic violence hotline to get professional help with a violent partner.

2. Make a Plan to Avoid Potential Issues

After talking about your concerns and discussing them together, come up with a plan to work on your issues. Here are some tips below:

  • Cleanliness: If cleanliness is a concern, come up with a plan and meet in the middle. Discuss how to divvy up chores so that everyone is pitching in and happy.
  • Expenses: If your concerns are around budget, discuss who is in the position to cover the majority of the rent. Maybe you both earn different annual incomes, so adjust accordingly and keep it fair.
  • Noise: Are they loud at night and do you need quiet? Come up with an organized plan so that your partner can do what they need to do. This might mean that instead of hanging out at your place, they go to their friend’s house to play games, jam, or play music instead. You can also wear ear plugs during certain activities.
  • Introverts vs. Extroverts: Do you like your space? Do you need alone time because you’re an introvert? Make a plan so that you have time away and some personal space every day to keep you happy.
Is your partner messy?

Is your partner messy?

3. Stay Fair

Make sure that whatever system you create for cohabitating works for both you and your partner and does not favor one or the other. Otherwise, either one of you or both of you won’t be happy long-term. You both need equal say in order to be happy or else the relationship might come to an end. It’s important that you two meet halfway. After all, you two are individuals, and you’ve lived different lifestyles up until this point.

4. Keep Up the Communication

Once you’ve taken the leap and you’ve moved in together, keep up the communication. Don’t constantly talk about your issues or nag. Set up a weekly time to discuss your issues and commit to making a change. Take time to write notes about your meetings so that there is a record of the resolutions and game plan. Commit to change for one another and commit to workable compromises. Encourage your partner to do the same.

Always respect each other when you communicate about the hard stuff.

Always respect each other when you communicate about the hard stuff.

5. Be Proactive Instead of Reactive

Proactive people are all about coming up with plans to solve problems, whereas reactive people act negatively to a given situation rather than acting on a plan. It’s obvious which one has a better success rate. Yep, being proactive is the way to go. If you yell at your partner, nag, or belittle them, they will resent you. Not only that, but the problem you are trying to address after all won’t get resolved. Above all, you’ll be living with a grumpy person rather than a happy person. Resist the urge to nag about things that you disagree on. Instead, come up with a plan in your weekly meeting.

Having anxiety about moving in with your partner is a normal part of life. Hopefully some of these tips will help you sort through this big change in your life. Good luck and happy living!

When Is It a Good Time to Move In Together?

Making the decision to move in together should come naturally. It often should not come out of a desperate situation. For example, if one or the other got kicked out of their current living situation because they couldn't pay the bill, you are inheriting that problem.

Similarly, if you two have fights here and there, you will want to establish a good method of communication for when you share the same living space. Also think about kids and pets - do you have either? They will be a part of the picture. Make sure each person is willing to pitch in and help out. It helps to established these guidelines beforehand. Good luck!

© 2020 Brynn B Lewis


dashingscorpio from Chicago on September 26, 2020:

"Making the decision to move in together should come naturally. It often should not come out of a desperate situation." Sound advice!

"Deciding to move in with your partner can be a little nerve-racking. You may be running through some common worries: What if I am tidy and they are messy? What if I’m an introvert and they’re an extrovert?"

- Usually that's not a concern for most long-term couples.

Generally speaking when two {adults} contemplate moving in together they've already been dating for a while. More often than not they have been spending the night at each other's apartment/home and may even keep a change of clothes and toiletries at each others place.

In some instances one person may be spending 4-5 nights a week at the other person's place. They have their own key!

One day someone says: "Why are we paying two sets of rent and utilities when we're always together? Lets just get one place together and save money."

Logically it makes sense to them and they go for it.

Essentially most couples have practically been living together prior to creating a forwarding mail address and moving all of their belongings. Now they don't have to pack overnight bags.

If there is any "surprise" it has do with how they manage finances.

One person may pay their rent on the 1st of the month and the other has no problem with paying late fees or receiving warning notices on utilities and other obligations to their creditors.

Whenever you have to rely on someone to come up with their half of the money to pay your bills or maintain your living standard you're gambling on them. Dealing with an introvert/extrovert or an untidy place is one thing but having your credit ruined by a boyfriend or girlfriend could take you (years) to recover from!

It's probably not a good idea to create any joint accounts or add each other to credit card accounts until if or after marriage.

Also keep in mind a failed relationship is harder to navigate when both people's name is on a lease or mortgage. If you're 22 odds are the person you're with now isn't going to be with you the next 60-70 years. Hardly anyone finds their "soulmate" in their early 20s!

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