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You Owe Me Everything

Image of woman with arms crossed

Image of woman with arms crossed

I just found out that Steve Yang is a bigger coward than I thought! Instead of replying to my emails or messages or apologizing as a normal person or a real guy would do or acknowledging that he violated me without my consent (See previous essay on “Patriarchy found me” or “His silence is insulting”), he tried to find out my address and contact my mom in an attempt, I believe, to try to turn this situation around on me. But having worked at the Korean American Family Service Center (KAFSC) as a Community Advocate and having worked with victims and survivors of domestic violence and gender-based violence, I know that this is one of the tactics of the abuser — try to pin the blame on the victim herself. It is an example of gaslighting behavior and narcissism. According to David Hosier, MsC, perpetrators “play on his partner’s guilt (eg. by blaming his behaviour on her/ claiming provocation).”

I feel vulnerable right now and honestly, I don’t know who is on my side. This is a double victimization in a way — instead of offering an apology like a normal person, he is trying to pinpoint any vulnerabilities or weaknesses I may have and turn this situation around on me! But excuse me, being a woman is NOT a weakness! Being the gender that I am is NOT a weakness — so NO, you have NOTHING against me!

Let’s face it — had I reported the incidents regarding Steve and Ravi 10 years ago, they would be both sentenced, probably charged with felony of sexual assaults and be registered as sex offenders according to the Stanford campus police and the Santa Clara District Attorney. Instead, they are both supposedly “living well” with their families and using whatever tactics they can to silence, retaliate against, intimidate and get away with their crimes and trying to live Life as normal when what they did is abnormal, violent and a crime! But there is such a thing called karma. Wait a minute here — I am the one who should be taking legal action against these two perpetrators and abusers because I have been in suffering and in emotional distress these past two months. This is a full-time job — processing these incidents of sexual assault — and Steve and Ravi dare be angry and try to turn these situations on me?! UGH!

The thing is..I’m not easily intimidated because fortunately, I am familiar with the cycle of abuse and how relationship abuse works — the fact that Steve is trying to retaliate or “intimidate” me, for example — just proves that he is an abuser who only cares about saving his own skin, getting away with what he did (a CRIME) and trying to have the license to commit sexual assault and get away with it! He is NO DIFFERENT from the patriarchal system that tries to condone gender-based violence in certain institutions or put the onus on female victims and survivors of sexual assault to be a certain way or fail to accommodate them or wanting them to just to move on or stigmatize them for what the perpetrators did (See my previous essay on “Why don’t guys want to take accountability”). No way in hell!

These two perpetrators and abusers should be THANKING me for not reporting these incidents sooner (due to my own lack of information on the topic of sexual assault) and making them think I let them get away with their crimes when I did. Yet, now, I am NOT afraid to speak out and tell my story and I have as allies millions of women around the world with their own lived experiences of sexual harassment and sexual assault. Also, Steve violating me when I wasn’t in a position to consent wasn’t the only incidence of him taking advantage of me- he was violent with me on several occasions, then would apologize afterwards, as if his meek apology would atone for his streak of aggressiveness, violence, ignorance and complete disregard for my rights as a human being and a woman! He also assaulted a dormmate my senior year in a weird turn of events, which demonstrates that he is capable of inflicting assault and violence! He seems to be one of those guys who thinks they can get away with everything because outwardly, he “may be a good guy” (self-proclaimed) and because of his education and career background. But Life doesn’t always work this way — they say that people do not really change and old habits die hard — I’m sure there may be other women out there who have experienced assault or sexual misconduct from Steve and I’m just waiting for the day when they will come forward and speak out! And what baffles me is how can he build a healthy relationship with his family and his little Korean wife when he has all these unresolved issues with me?! I’m sure these skeletons in the closet will surface sooner or later!

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