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You Miss Your Ex and Here Are the Reasons Why It's Okay!

Michelle is a self-love and wellness coach on her personal healing journey. She empowers others through her experiences.

A million ways to get over your ex

I sat in bed last night hit with an epiphany.

I let go of something real.

I messed up at love.

I began day dreaming about all the good times. All the times he stood by my side. Every time he cleaned up my mess. Forgave me. Tried to understand and love me even at my darkest the best he knew how. Accepted me. Helped me.

I remembered how we started out as friends. Respected my brother's wishes against us being together seeing as he was his best friend. He listened to me. He reassured me. He showed up for me.

He chose me.

Then my mind flooded with the bad times. His jealousy, anger, distance, and verbal abuse. It'd be enough to forget about him right? But those traits in him were ultimately reactions to my actions.

No, I am not blaming myself without reason to put him on a pedestal and validate my yearning.

I cheated. I lied. I battled depression. I became distant. I blamed him. I resented him.

I pushed him away.

Of course, I went on Google. "I miss my ex", I typed into the search bar.

- How to get over your ex for good

- How to forget your ex

- You don't miss your ex, you're lonely.

- You don't miss him, you miss who he inspired you to be.

I sat there some more with my thoughts. Yes, I can admit to myself that I've been wishing I had a partner. Yes, I miss the cuddles. I wish I wasn't single.

Is it because I am lonely? No. I cherish my solitude. Is it because I know he likes me? No, actually he has a girlfriend of five years. Is it because we talk and I miss how he made me feel? No, because we don't talk unless it's about our daughter. Is it because I miss who I was with him? No, because I was drowning in mental illness, I was careless; still in love with my first boyfriend before him; a liar, I cheated on him, broke up with him for a few weeks, nagged at him, and blamed him for my unhappiness. So no, I hate who I was with him - none of it actually caused by him.

I broke into tears.

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He became a stepfather to my first child no questions asked at just 18 years old. He was there when I ended up in the hospital. He was there when I was triggered by traumas. He stayed despite my having a chest of old letters from my ex and refusing to let go. He forgave me after I cheated. He forgave me after I flirted with his friend while we were drunk and he ended up in jail for a night. He was the first one to teach me how to drive with patience. He loved and accepted me despite knowing that my heart still belonged to someone else.

He was for real.

And I abused him, pushed him to his limits, left him, and then blamed him some more.

Sometimes, you don't need to know how to get over your ex because sometimes, you did get over him and then realised - damn...

I got over a real one when I shouldn't have.

Right person, wrong time?

I truly believe in there being the right person for us but the timing being wrong because some people go their separate ways for reasons not related to abuse or incompability.

Some reasons for break ups:

- Mental illness,

- Jobs,

- Different values and dreams,

- Not being ready (yes, it's a real thing although some people use it as an excuse or out of fear of commitment),

- They are not single (I believe this too. Often, people get into relationships for the wrong reasons or end up in the wrong relationships).

I have been told many times that if it doesn't work out now, it will never work out. It wasn't meant to be. Not everything is so black and white though, especially love and humans in general.

There is no shame in going backwards

During my lifetime, I have found myself going backwards in love many times. In all honesty, every time I did, it turned out to be a mistake but at least I had the closure and confirmation my heart needed. I have never regretted giving a relationship a second chance (unless there was irreparable damage obviously).

I have often found myself thinking about old lovers wondering how they are doing, remembering the good times, and day dreaming about the what ifs of a rekindled romance. Usually, I immediately feel shame thereafter because I am consistently told to forget about my ex. I am told that if it didn't work out the first time, that it would never work out. I disagree with this thought because people are capable of changing and evolving. Also, sometimes, break ups happen due to circumstances or differences in values.

The world teaches you to move forward and that looking backwards is frowned upon - misinterpreted as a failure even.

There is no shame in stepping bakcwards and seeing if a failed attempt can be rebuilt into success!

What to do when you genuinely miss your ex?

This question depends on a lot of things, some of my main concerns are;

- Are they single?

- Did you break up mutually and amicably?

- Are you in the same city?

- Have you both grown as people?

- Are you both actively healing and working on being better people?

- Is there any damage that was done and is it salvageable?

- What are the true reasons that you miss them?

Once you've answered the questions above and came to the conclusion that you genuinely miss your ex and would like a second chance at love, you need to figure out if the feeling is mutual.

You can try contacting your ex and seeing what their response is.

If communication goes well and he reciprocates your feelings, start out as friends, as you would any new relationship. You are both not the same people anymore hopefully or else you should rethink your attempt at a second chance.

Take your time. Leave the past in the past. Get to know each other again. Fall in love again.

If you answered the questions above, for example, "are they single?", and you answered no, then it is important not to get lost in your ego and react in ways that does not reflect true love.

Good luck warriors! XO

This content reflects the personal opinions of the author. It is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and should not be substituted for impartial fact or advice in legal, political, or personal matters.

© 2022 Michelle Brady

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