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You Know You've Been Married Too Long When . . .

Rick has been married for quite a while, but will NEVER say that it's been too long . . .

Seem Familiar?

Did your last conversation (er, monologue) go like this?

Did your last conversation (er, monologue) go like this?

You Know You've Been Married Too Long When . . .

— your partner can now hit all of your hot buttons using just 3 or 4 words or just the right facial expression.

— you realize your next wedding anniversary is the Double-A-Battery Anniversary (and you probably need them).

— you started wearing the same size sweatpants a while ago — and you don't care.

— you know exactly how she likes her tea, coffee and cocoa, know which wines she will or won’t drink and can’t abide, know that pepper is fine on corn-on-the-cob but never on salad, and know that you better not ever place the toilet paper on the roll with the tail of fresh squares hanging forward, or it'll be your a**.

— you often both cry at weddings, and it's not because you're so-o-o-o-o happy for the new couple.

— your not-much-older-than-a-pimply-teenager doctor sees more of your naked anatomy (including the special parts) than your partner.

— the answer to 90% of your partner’s questions is “Whatever . . .”, and the answer to the remaining 10% is “Yes, dear.”

Part Two

— you start referring to your partner as Maw or Paw, Nana or Baba.

— you regularly visit rickzworld, and find that you both still cackle uncontrollably at the same old favorites.

— you can not only complete each other’s sentences in perfect tone and cadence, but you can also — and quite often do — mentally reconstruct both complete sides of any past argument, making yourself just as angry all over again.

— you feel that recalling your wedding date to the nearest decade is close enough.

— you pore over a riding mower catalog together, to make sure it has the features you both love.

— your partner steps all over the punchlines of your jokes, but for some reason resents it when you finish his better than he ever could.

— you have one Barcalounger flanked by a TV-tray with beer cozy and remote, and a twin Barcalounger flanked by a stack of People, Us and Better Homes & Gardens and a tea warmer.

— you no longer have a favorite beer or cocktail; any alcohol will do.

Part Three

— you ordered your spouse’s last Valentine’s Day gift from a 3:00 a.m. local cable TV infomercial — and still can't understand how your thoughtfulness ended in an argument.

— thank god one of you can still drive at night, and the other can tell what detergent will ruin elastic.

— on any given day, at least one of you feels like crap, and doesn't mind sharing.

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— most of your day-to-day observations begin "those people . . .".

— sex is limited to about a half-dozen nights of the year: Christmas, New Year’s, your anniversary, his birthday (but NOT hers), maybe Super Bowl Sunday, and Valentine’s Day (if you've both been drinking).

— you each own two or more sets of car keys, use the same credit cards, will readily eat off the same plate or drink from the same glass, often raid each other’s wallets, and aren’t all that careful about closing the bathroom door or muffling body noises.

— together you’ll sit through a rerun of an old Matlock episode, even though you’ve both seen it before.

— all your laundry gets done on the same washer setting and water temperature, and forget about dry cleaning.

— you both refer to your increasingly rare bouts of intimacy as “getting frisky”.

Comments

Rick Zimmerman (author) from Northeast Ohio on November 26, 2011:

Thanks, stars! Endurance is the name of the game. Marriage is not a sprint, it's a marathon!

stars439 from Louisiana, The Magnolia and Pelican State. on November 26, 2011:

My wife and I have been married four decades. After forty years your bound to love each other because life would not be the same without each other. The secret to getting along is to give each other some space , and not talk about boring stuff. She watches television. I like to eat, and play with the computer. God Bless You. Great Hub.

Rick Zimmerman (author) from Northeast Ohio on October 17, 2011:

So sorry Rosie. Unfortunately, that's where we're all headed. Enjoy what you can while you can.

Rosie Rose from Toronto, Canada on October 16, 2011:

Oh wow, Rick, you have written almost 650 hubs. Amazing! I'm impressed. You are soooo funny, very talented and prolific. Whoo! This one made me a little sad though... my husband passed away a couple of years ago. I miss him.

Have a nice day,

Rosie

Rick Zimmerman (author) from Northeast Ohio on September 26, 2011:

Thanks, Suzette (nice to know I'm not in this hell alone . . .)

Suzette Walker from Taos, NM on September 26, 2011:

This is hilarious! Great job! And, so true!

Rick Zimmerman (author) from Northeast Ohio on April 14, 2011:

In answer to your questions, I'd have to say, Yes!

pinkydoo from New York on April 14, 2011:

Ha-ha...this is funny...the question though, is this: Is your article saying that being married a long time is GOOD, or AWFUL...or that it just makes you think of lots of funny jokes?

quicklysilver from wexford, ireland on November 16, 2010:

Well, i reckon so

Rick Zimmerman (author) from Northeast Ohio on November 16, 2010:

Ignore it as you might, some of these issues (or others equally vexing) are sure to confront you sooner or later. The question you have to ask yourself, spouse, is — do you feel lucky?

quicklysilver from wexford, ireland on November 16, 2010:

I am only recently married so I choose to blissfully ignore everything I've just read.

Rick Zimmerman (author) from Northeast Ohio on October 17, 2010:

onegoodwoman: You know you've reached a new turning point when your spouse no longer calls you by your name or by any nickname or epithet, but merely jerks their thumb your way and mutters, ". . .and THIS ONE has to go and do something stupid . . .", etc.

onegoodwoman from A small southern town on October 17, 2010:

This so true, that it is almost painful

I have called my hubby, " Paw" for so long, that people think his name is "Paul", and I am just too lazy to pick my own tongue up when I speak!

Rick Zimmerman (author) from Northeast Ohio on October 17, 2010:

Susie: That's the great thing about aging, you can rethink everything anew every day, and it still seems fresh and original!

Sweetsusieg from Michigan on October 17, 2010:

Fun!! Yep, I suffer from several of these as well... Hmmm, time to rethink a few things isn't it?

Pamela Oglesby from Sunny Florida on June 22, 2010:

Very entertaining and a lot of truth. thanks.

Rick Zimmerman (author) from Northeast Ohio on June 21, 2010:

Thanks, Veronica! I've got perhaps a skosh more than six years in, but, thankfully, very few of my observations are autobiographical.

Veronica Allen from Georgia on June 21, 2010:

This year will mark six years of marriage for me and I am already experiencing some of these tell-tell signs. :) Too funny! Rated it up and voted.

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