Evie Sparkes is a published novelist, content writer and company director from the UK.
Is Your Relationship All About Him
Have you let go of your dreams and your needs, so that your partner can live the life he's always dreamed of? Is he living the dream, while you are dreaming about the one's you've lost because you wanted so much to make him happy and in the beginning you thought that was all that mattered?
When we're in the first throes of love, we don't much care about all of the other stuff. It all goes South because it doesn't seem as important anymore. Men tend not to see life that way. Yeah sure, you're important to them, but so is everything else. Why would they settle for anything less? And quite right, why should anyone settle for less then they are capable of?
Compromise, now that's something else entirely. Everyone might have to compromise a little when it comes to both parties feeling fulfilled. That's life, and that's fair. No-one for one minute is saying you should have everything and he should lump it if he has to go without. This is not about man bashing. I think there's far too much of that around these days. The poor guys will be scared to assert themselves at all before long!
You Didn't Want to Rock The Boat
You are doubtless okay. You're not crying yourself to sleep or anything. It's just that you can't quite let go of the job you wanted, the child you wanted, the book you wanted to write, the two holidays a year he won't take because he works all of the time...
You just didn't push the issue. You wanted him to be happy and he doesn't want you to work full time. He didn't want children really, although he might have been persuaded, but you didn't want to be one of those women who gets her own way all the time and pushes him to look elsewhere. He said you'd never sell books because there's too much competition but you were only doing it for you, your own love of writing. He commented subtly that you didn't have the qualifications for that job anyway and he didn't want you to be disappointed.
It's Never Too Late to Change Your Life
It really is never too late to do those things. Age really is just a number. I became a novelist when I was 46. I have to say that my husband has been nothing but supportive. I am one of the lucky one's.
If there's something you've always longed to do and cannot get it out of your head then that's what you need to do. I say need, because it really is. If you don't at least take some action towards your dream then you will be forever filled with regret.
Talk to your partner and tell him or her how you are feeling. You might be pleasantly surprised. You may have been living with the notion that they couldn't be moved on the issue, and maybe it was never really an issue in the first place.
Just because they flippantly once made a negative comment about your dream, don't imagine they feel the same way now, or were even that bothered in the first place.
If you do broach the subject and they are not even open to discussion then there's a word for that. The one I'll use here is Selfish!
You are not here to serve them and tend to their every whim. You have a life and life I have come to realise, is very precious. If you have your health then you are capable of anything.
Be firm and tell your partner that whilst you appreciate their opinion, you need to do this for you. If it means that they have to compromise then so be it. The thing is, we as human beings, become accustomed to things. We get set in our ways and change scares the hell out of us. If your partner is happy just as things are, then he may struggle to accept your plan to change things up a bit. Go gently and don't expect too much from them in that moment. Give them time to digest this new you. After all they've been used to the other version, that one has been allowing them to live their dream life for a very long time. They'll be wondering if something else is going on. Suspicion might get the better of them, but don't let that frighten you into backing down
Find a Way to Make it Work
There is always a compromise to be made so that both parties are happy, or at last happyish to start with. The one having to accept the change is more likely to struggle, but time really does change ones perspective.
Be patient and expect some rocky times ahead. Remember that relationships are about mutual respect. They are about team work and trust. Anything less just doesn't cut it. If being a feminist means believing we, as women deserve better and more than men, then count me out. I am not one of those. I believe in equality. We should all be treated the same and that's an end to it. You both deserve to be fulfilled. Life is for living so live your best life!