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Why Can't I Get A Girlfriend?

Robert is a staff writer at Relationship Steps and writes about dating, relationships and personal development.


The keys to the dating kingdom are within your grasp.

That has to be the most asked question I've ever faced. Every guy, at some point, wonders this very question.

Are you ugly?

Too short?

Too tall?

Not dressing well enough?

Bad haircut?

Body odor?

Bad breath?


The answer could be a yes to any of the above. Usually though, it's not. (If there is a yes up there, work on what you can change and accept what you can't.)

If you ask yourself those questions then you're already prepared for the answer. It's like the person that asks themselves if they're crazy. If you can ask yourself the question then you're not.

The things that most guys miss out on is the fact that they are not getting dates because of only two things:

  • 1) Personality
  • 2) Perseverance

These are the keys to getting dates.

Summed up we have:

Personality: how you act and react around people. Are you a good conversationalist and a great listener? Do you actively participate in conversations or do you attempt to "hog" conversations, butting in, not giving other participants time to talk? Do you try to change the subject? Do you interrupt?

Are you funny? Are you good humored? Can you make people laugh with you (not at you)?

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Do you get upset easily and share your disappointment with anyone within earshot?

People like to be with other people that have a positive personality; people that have "active listening skills" (being able to ask intelligent questions about the subject being discussed, paying attention to the current speaker, and not trying to change the conversation or butt into the group of talkers). Do people naturally gravitate towards you because you are smiling, warm and friendly?

Perseverance: how are you with problems, turns of events, when things don't go your way? Do you get angry and give up or do you hunker down and find alternate solutions? Being able to find a girlfriend is all about taking rain on your parade and hoping for a rainbow. Sure, you'll get some rejection, that's life. But can you make the negative experience of a "No" turn into a learning experience and work towards the next girl's "Yes"?

Guy's feel that, when a girl says no, their life is over. Self-doubt creeps in, ruining all other aspects of their daily life. Miserable, that's what happens. And this negative emotion is so strong that people around you can feel it and are turned off by it/you. You must persevere, you must not only tell yourself, but believe, that this downturn of events is temporary, exceedingly temporary. There is another girl on the horizon, likely a more friendly, more compatible, more date-able girl coming up next.

You have the keys to the kingdom now:



The ball is in your court and here comes the ball-girl now... what will you do?

Here's the next move:

I look forward to your comments.


TheCorrectAnswer on March 11, 2016:

Well with the kind of women that are out there these days, who needs them.

theTiGor on March 25, 2015:

I get all that, Steve. You haven't said anything new here, merely reiterated what you asserted before.

Honestly, I have nothing for you. The only suggestion I can offer, which I did make above, is that you're just going to have to move on in life. Yes, the world has changed for the worst and some of us got left behind. We got left behind because the rest of the world went in the wrong direction and we didn't follow. When you're left by yourself, you have to strike out on your own in order to make it.

High maintenance women who are gold diggers are nothing new, they've been around forever. Most of them are intent on never having to work. I know a whole lot of very low maintenance women who are basically depressed slobs who attempt the very same thing. Most of the average women I see around are spoiled and selfish, whether they're high maintenance or not. The reality is that there are more high maintenance gold diggers around than there are men with large bank accounts. If these women are otherwise legitimate, they will eventually have to grow up and settle for an average guy. Frankly, I wouldn't be interested in someone like that since they would seem 'morally challenged' in my eyes. Is that any worse than what usually happens in my locale, where women just shack up with broke losers and live off of welfare for years on end? Hard to say. I want nothing to do with those women, either.

The marriage situation you describe, well, that was a cultural value. It wasn't that that's how people raised their little girls to be more than it's what people saw other people doing as they grew up and that was the example that got followed. Thing is, that generation is now mostly gone, or at least age 90+. People who came of age in the 50's and 60's started seeing things differently, and many people, many women, today, never had the opportunity to know anyone who had a good marriage. Most of these women have never been in a healthy relationship themselves and wouldn't know one if they saw it.

So what can you do to change any of this? Your guess is as good as mine! Like I've said, some things are simply beyond the abilities of one person. Literally, it's one man against the whole world, and those numbers just never seem to work, do they?

There are many things in life that I wanted but the doings of other people prevented them. Nothing I can do about that. You just have to move on to new territory and don't dwell on what wasn't available to you in the first place. You might just have to be a rebel. If the established system doesn't work for you, you don't participate in it and do your own thing. Where I come from, we call it 'working with what you've got'. If you don't have a wife, significant other, or girlfriend and years of life experience has shown you that you're not likely to ever have one, then you're going to have to live without one.

The only other option you've got is to make yourself miserable over what you don't have. What good is that?

Steve on March 24, 2015:

To TiGor, many of us that are still single are always alone since many of us would love to have a girlfriend to be with all the time. Loneliness is the worst thing that can happen to both men and women, and i wouldn't even wish it on my worst enemy either. The real problem nowadays is that there are just too many very high maintenance women out there nowadays that are looking for men with a very large bank account, and they are very spoiled and selfish too. Most women these days just can't accept us men for who we're since we don't make the money like so many others do, and the good old fashioned women of years ago were certainly the best compared to now when many women back then were raised very well by their parents to find a nice man to settle down with. And the parents today are don't care at all. Many men and women had to struggle years ago to make ends meat, and most men and women i would say were very committed to one another and made their marriage work unlike today the divorce rate is so out of control now.

theTiGor on October 25, 2014:

Say what, Steve?

I've got to admit, I don't quite follow you here. Read through it again and see if you can see what I mean. As you wrote it, it just doesn't quite add up to anything.

I'm going to venture a guess that you're saying that my comment makes sense but we all still want a woman. Am I correct?

If so, all I can offer you is the question, "What else is new?".

What I'm telling the guys here reading this is that sometimes in this world, what every man wants (or at least should want), just isn't going to happen and it's for reasons that no one person can control, least of all ourselves. Some things are just much larger than any one man, sadly.

When you're in a situation where no matter what you do, nothing works... well, you just have to focus your life on what you can achieve solely through your own efforts and not depend on what anyone else does or doesn't do.

Seriously, if you've got a better idea, I'm all ears! That's the best one I can come up with.

Steve on October 25, 2014:

theTigor, even though your comment makes sense since many of us that are single would want a woman to share our life with. Doesn't mean you have to get married again but to have a woman companion does make sense instead of having no one at all.

theTiGor on October 19, 2014:

It's been awhile since I've been on here... a couple of years have already passed! I think about this Hub page from time to time and wonder just what's come along, and curiosity finally got the best of me today. It's kind of funny how, basically, NOTHING has changed! More comments, sure. But to me it looks that all recent posts just reiterate what earlier ones have stated, such as how pathetic the poster believes himself to be or that all the women are becoming lesbians. Naturally, the spelling and grammar in most of these posts really lead one to wonder about those writing them!

A thought to share: A relationship with a woman is an expensive thing to acquire and maintain. Just how costly is it? Like anything else, the more desirable the woman involved or the higher the perceived quality or level of suitability she is, the more it's going to cost you to get and keep her! The real crux is that she's NOT FOR SALE! Rather, think of this as a very upscale raffle held at a small and exclusive social gathering. For purposes of this illustration, let's say that fifty men will attend. The raffle prizes are women who are 1) available and willing to date or are open to a relationship, 2) are reasonably presentable so that a normal man would want to spend time around them, and 3) are truly suitable 'dating and relating' prostitutes, no psychos, no 'undercover' saleswomen. There are thirty genuine, legitimate, single and seeking women who will be raffled off as prizes. Some are what many would call '10's, others are generally lesser. No matter, the tickets are, say, one thousand dollars. You can buy multiples to improve your odds, but you will only be able to claim one prize. 30 out of 50 men stand to 'win' a woman, assuming that everyone buys a ticket. 60% odds of winning? Damned good, frankly. Disregarding the fact that some men will likely NOT buy a thousand dollar ticket for whatever the reason, 40% of the men will have done everything they could to acquire a woman for a date or relationship (i.e.: buy one or more $1000 tickets) but will go home not only empty handed but with significantly lightened billfolds, to boot. There just aren't enough women to go around! By rights, there should have been plenty. But when you eliminated the ones who were 1) unavailable, 2) undesirable to the point that no reasonably normal man would want to date them, and 3) otherwise unsuitable... thirty is all they could come up with.

Now, that's just an example used to make us think a bit. The reality is much the same way. There's a lot more single men looking than there are single women looking. There's a substantial number of single women who just aren't looking, for whatever the reason. Those single women who are looking span a spectrum of desirability, from fairly high to quite low. In these times when anything goes, or so it seems, pretty much any woman who is looking can get SOMETHING, somewhere. Not so for us guys! There's just too much competition. Women anywhere from about the edge of the bottom quarter or so on up basically have to FEND OFF pursuing men. Guys, when was the last time any of us had that problem, really? If you're here reading this, I'm guessing that's just something you've never experienced. I have, years ago, when things were different. All I can say is that it's weird. I'm not sure if I wish that would've ever happened to me as an adult, or not. I imagine I had it a lot better than most women do. Those I had to try to keep at bay were at least reasonably 'cute', most of the time. Women deal with all kinds of creeps and losers chasing them. I only had to worry about thirteen and fourteen year old girls...

The thing I want you guys to take away from what I have to say is that sometimes things don't turn out the way you want them to, it isn't your fault, and there just isn't anything you can really do about it. Sure, you can TRY all kinds of things. You may have some luck, but quite possibly not. Most things in this world are really out of your control; what happens, happens. What doesn't, doesn't. With our absurd raffle example, about the only sure thing was that not buying a thousand dollar ticket ensured you'd not be 'winning' a woman in the raffle. The thing is, with 30 women to be awarded and up to 50 men buying tickets, 20 of them could do everything that anyone could in order to 'succeed' (take a woman home after the drawing) but have no luck. Presumably the more tickets one bought, the better the odds of having one drawn... but one could buy two or three and none of them would be among the 30 drawn. It would even be conceivable that buying a dozen tickets could result in none of them being among the thirty drawn. Likewise, some of us guys will knock ourselves out trying to get a date... doing all that anyone could... seeming to everyone to be the PERFECT man for a relationship... and damned if it just never happens. Why? Who knows! Oftentimes it makes no sense to anyone. For some reason, you just weren't in the right place at the right time and it never 'clicked'... you somehow 'fell through the cracks'. All the lowlife scum, the perverts, the losers... they all seemed to luck out. Somehow, you didn't. It just doesn't figure. Hate to say it, but that's life. Bad things happen to good people. At some point you need to figure out how to get by on what you've got, even if that doesn't include a girlfriend, fiancee, or wife.

Really The Truth on October 16, 2014:

Now with much more women being Gay And Bi nowadays that will certainly add to our problem by not having a Girlfriend since many women are more into each other than ever before, and the girls that are Straight are dating the Creepiest Looking Guys that i have ever seen in my life. Go Figure.

Spoilsport9001 on March 28, 2014:

I'm 28 and have never been interested in finding a partner. I think it's due to a personality disorder, though I've never been to a psych. Lately, I've been thinking that it might be a valuable experience to give the romance thing a try, though I have trouble empathizing with other people (and no, it's not about sex, I'm genuinely curious about romance). And hoo boy, am I in for a hard time, I have no delusions about that. I can work on the flabs and my below-average height has never caused me any complex, though it's in stark contrast to my intimidating face. But all that, I know, is nothing compared to my lack of basic 'social skills' (body language, awkward pauses, the works). Now, I'm not afraid of rejection - my esteem is already rock-bottom so there's nothing to lose besides adding some more mental scars. But it's gonna hurt and probably end in failure. What would you suggest for a shut-in like me that's looking for a partner?

David on February 01, 2014:

I am 35 and looking 4 a gillfend l am from cardiff

sdofajn on August 21, 2013:

R Pseudomen, (THIS IS A RE-POST cause I made a typo that made it the opposite of what i was trying to say lol)

How can I just hook up with girls without hurting them? How and when (what is the right timing (like the right phase) and the right words to tell girls) can I let these girls know ahead of time that I'm not looking for a serious relationship... and how and where can I find girls that want the same thing as me?

Do the same rules that you've talked about, and in the links you've posted, apply? I've read all that and a lot of PUA stuff, but I don't want to get a reputation as a jerk who uses and hurts a bunch of girls.

But I don't really have a reputation to worry about ruining to begin with... I commute to a college and don't know many people there, I don't hang out with anybody from my job, and I don't have any groups/circles of friends, just some individual friends that don't know each other

Pragmatism on June 19, 2013:

OK, my most recent comment should have been the last, but I would like to explain something.

I feel depressed for my lack of skill, this depression has been the reason for which I wrote my feelings in your comment. For Brad is the same thing, I think that he feels misunderstood in his difficulties in life. So am I.

Do you want to know what is the true common issue between me and Brad ? Easy , we don't feel it possible to achieve anything in the social field ! We feel even useless to try.

I don't know the reasons that drive Brad, I know my reasons : I have a deep fear of others, I don't feel adequate, simply that; this means that EVERYTHING which includes others gives me troubles, big troubles.

People like me are entrenched in their positions. Unable to move, sometime I dream of having enough money to live without working just to avoid meeting people.

You tell me that I could search for help, nice, I did, I simply spent YEARS and lots of MONEY in psychologists' treatment, to obtain little or nothing. Your suggestions are good , and I hope they will help people, alas they are not for everybody. When You are stuck there are answers, always, but, in the dark, we do not see them. This doesn't mean we do not have to try, we MUST try, we must win over our fears, life is this: you can overcame difficulties or not, they are there for everybody, so you have to try and do it. I hope that Brad will change his mind over time and try again, so will I. I just want to tell you one last thing, what you tell is right but please do not underestimate the difficulty to do it, even in baby steps.

Robert Lee (author) from Canada on June 16, 2013:

Don't you think that deciding "you don't have it" is counter-productive?

I mean, life is a learning experience so can't you extend yourself with deciding that you can't?

We're not talking a 100% change in attitude and personality here, we're talking about small changes like simply saying hello to someone new.

If you're stuck there are answers.

Think baby steps.

Brad on June 15, 2013:

I agree with "pragmatism." I am glad to see someone has the exact same issues as me. I am also approaching 40 and have come to the realization that my social skills are not capable of meeting a female. I don't believe it's really possible to "modify your attitude" at this point in life. Meeting people to be romantically involved with requires a very high level of social skills. You can't just change a few things and make it work. You either have it or you don't.

pragmatism on June 09, 2013:

Thanks for you reply,

I was thinking of a long ad detailed answer to your post but I understood this is your homepage where you are in charge, not me; your ideas are good and I hope they will be useful for many people.

I have no right to come here and raise pointless specific exceptions, you gave general useful tips, it's up to the readers to use them well.

I don't want to be a troll so I limit myself to thank you for your attention.


Robert Lee (author) from Canada on June 05, 2013:

"Social Anxiety" has no strangers but there are ways to modify your attitude to be better at the people meeting skills you want to have.

pragmatism on June 01, 2013:

I don't think solutions to such kind of endemic problems are always so simple, You must take into account the personality of people or your proposed solution is not going to work.

For me, to be honest, the problem has never been the look only, I have always felt unconfortable around people. I have few long time friends, and obviously no girlfriend at all. Recently I came to the conclusion that I do not have the social skills to get a girlfriend, maybe I am too stupid for it, I don't really know and I don't really care anymore. I am 43 this year and I am simply starting to accept it. I have lots of other things to do in life than losing time trying to fascinate girls.

Anyway I hope that someone is going to find your ideas useful. Bye

g on November 28, 2012:

Well, when I was at uni I saw a lot of people who were unattractive physically getting someone. I cant comment on your looks... but, its very, very common for people to feel ugly... a lot of people look at themselves in the mirror and feel ugly. Some people look at themselves and think they're fat, so they stop eating and die. If its possible for them to make that mistake, its possible other people look at themselves and feel ugly when they're not, so you cant even trust your own judgment. Not everything is down totally to looks as well, and some people find different looks attractive. You should try to stay positive, work out a lot and be happy, because those things will make you way more likely to score. If you're sad, unfit and unconfident that is far more likely to knacker your chances...

Viktor on November 28, 2012:

That`s not the case. I ussualy like some cute,average girls,or some that are even considered unattractive by others,because I always find something beautyfull in,or on her.For example,last few months I`m so inloved with a girl which everyone describes as a cartoon character and no one(as far as I know) is not attracted to her.And I`m trying to ignore that feeling,because I know it would be another dissapointment for me,just like with every other girl.The hot ones are so out of my league that I don`t even think about them.But it doesn`t help at all-even the most average girl(or let`s say the ugliest) is unreachable to me as the hottest one.And after all this,I`m starting to realise that I`m not angry at them.I just look my self in the mirror and I understand everything.Who want`s to be with someone who looks like me?And that is my reality...

g on November 27, 2012:

my theory is its cause and effect. I think its because they can do well with the opposite sex that they just dont treat them too great, in some cases... and so they're not as nice... whereas an overly nice guy is trying too hard to be nice and at the same time unwittingly giving out signals that he's had a hard time getting women. But I think if a guy acts like a total jerk, he'll not get too far.

That said I have a friend who is very good with women... he's good to them and he's a good person. Maybe you're not doing the right things to create attraction... you're not creating that spark? There must have been a time when you were talking to a girl and you felt a muteral spark of attraction, or even you talked to someone you werent interested in and you could easily sense they liked you? Maybe when you talk to the ones you like you do what a lot of guys do and dont act naturally, so you cant create the energy. Maybe (a bit like me) you're always only attracted to the kind of girl that a lot of other guys are attracted to, so you've got a lot of rival guys after the same girl as you?

Viktor on November 26, 2012:

G,I don`t know about that,man.I was happy and approachable my entire life,I was positive in every possible situation and it didn`t get me anywhere.While I was a kid and a teenager,everyone had very good opinion about me-yes,he is a very cool guy,he`s nice,he`s such a good friend,he`s a very good person,he`s funny and all that crap,but when it comes to a moment where I wan`t to kiss a girl,or be more than just a friend with her-STOP,RESTRICTED AREA.They always finish with some morons who are `oh,sooo cute` and who treats them like garbage at the same time.And that`s not all.Every guy that I know,no matter how big idiot or jerk he is,had or have girlfriend.Some of people I went to school with have their own families,some of them are even divorced,a lot of them have sex with different girls when ever they feel the urge-and I still don`t know how does it feel to kiss a girl or to be loved be someone in that way.And I`m still acting in public that I don`t care about anything,that I`m still cool and funny,while I`m falling apart from the inside.And in the twenty-fifth year of my life,with all that shit on my head,tell me-how the hell can I feel?

g on November 24, 2012:

Well, its easy to take some rejections or some careless and selfish bodylanguage directed against ourselves that shows a girls disinterest... take that piece of information and apply it as a uniform proof that every single women will have that opinion... its not right.

Ive got both problems: Ive got a women at work who is looking more and more obvious she has a crush on me... and I dont know what to do about it, because I'm not really thinking about her in that way and I really dont want to hurt her at all. And Ive got the other problem from another girl... I liked her, but she didnt like me... in that way. So, there you have it, its kind of all in the eye of the beholder, to an extent. ... hopefully you can find the right person by getting out there. The biggest obsticle I recon is inside us. Its the fear of rejection and shyness. If you're happy, smiling and look approachable then you'll get better results, even if most dont lead anywhere. Its catch 22... you feel very bad about meeting new women, you give out negative body-language (unless you're a professional actor), then they react bad, so you feel even worse next time.

Viktor on November 19, 2012:

g,I know what you mean,but I`m so tired of this life.I even got a nickname now-pacenik.It is a half ironic expression in my language and the closest translation in english would be `pathetic loser who can`t get a girl`.I know everyone calls me that behind my back.But I`m so exhausted and lethargic about everything,that i don`t even mind about that.And the worst thing is that I`m such a good person.I say worst,because that `quality` of my drives me fuckin` crazy.Few nights ago(this really happens,I`m not making this up) I was walking down the stairs and the girl I know from my high school and which was the loudest in making fun of me behind my back,felt down and wrist her ankle or something like that.And I helped her walk to her building.I fuckin` helped her!I should let that bitch lay down until she freeze to death.But I just couldn`t do that,because in that moment I felt sorry for her.What a fuck is wrong with me...

sadkjfnask on November 15, 2012:

thanks g,

i forgot to mention i dont necessarily want to have sex in a hook-up, i just want kissing, touching, nudity, etc... if possible i'd like to save sex for marriage or maybe a relationship.. is it possible to find a hook-up who wants the same thing?

but i'm busy i don't really have time for a relationship, and i don't want one for a while, because of my last and first relationship 6 years ago, i don't want to feel that pain and go through that drama again:

i am also q4298y8o, i wrote this about my relationship earlier:

"She was bipolar, and about 75% of the time she hated me and was really mad at me for no reason. When she was mad at me she say hateful, meaning things (that when she wasn't mad at me said she didn't really mean) that would really hurt my feelings, self-confidence, and worse, make me feel like a horrible, evil person.

I tried my hardest but I couldn't keep her happy no matter what I did. What also really hurt me was that I couldn't help her, I felt responsible for her being so upset all the time. She would always be breaking up with me for no reason then taking me back. It was a very emotionally hurtful relationship for me."

g on November 15, 2012:

I personally feel a huck up with no commitments from a random girl, if you're inexperienced, might be a risky move. She has no investment in you, accept the pleasure you are able to give her for the time she is with you.

If you find someone who likes you.... generally likes you, then they'll put in the effort for a long term investment.

sadkjfnask on November 08, 2012:


yeah like i explained in my previous post, not to be cocky but im what girls would consider "hot" now and still cant get anywhere with girls past acquaintances... i probably should just give it time though cause i havent been "hot" for that long, only since May

but i dont know any single girls around my age well and have no male friends to help me out, the only place i see girls is work and school where i dont really get time to get to know them because at work im a cashier and the store's always busy i have to keep my attention on the customers, and for school i commute to college and have only back-to-back classes and get a lot of homework so, without getting completely exhausted, i barely have enough time to do anything besides work, do homework, and stay on my exercise/diet to stay "hot" or get hotter

and what you said, strange, it's always been the opposite for me in the past, before my makeover... whenever girls seemed to like me (in one instance the girl's best friend even told me she liked me! but i never told the girl i liked her, her best friend spilled the beans and maybe this was unattractive to her cause i couldnt man up and tell her first myself) and then found out i liked them back, they deny they like me and then i can see they suddenly lose interest in me

but the last time this happened to me, hell, the last time a girl knew i had a crush on her was 6 years ago

and i know now that this probably happened not because they found out i liked them back but because they got turned off once they started talking to me and got to know me better, but i was immature and lacking social skills back then ( i used to talk mostly about myself, talk a lot and be annoying, and talk down about myself, give out too much personal information when i first met a girl, and many more problems that I fixed)

and probably the main reason, i was never man enough to ask them out... to this day, even though ive had 1 relationship in my entire life, ive never taken the initiative and actually ASKED A GIRL OUT, because i dont know HOW to do it because im a perfectionist, and im confused i still dont think i know the socially correct way to do it, or i want the perfect way to do it

but for the past couple years ive been thinking i dont even want a RELATIONSHIP, because my last and only relationship in my life, which was 6 years ago, was so stressful and traumatic and full of drama... and since my first and last anything (im still a virgin but i got to probably 3rd base with my only girlfriend 6 years ago) with a girl was a relationship, i dont want another one right away, even if it was 6 years ago..

i want to just hook up or something, but im worried about how a hook up girl would react to me being a 22 year old virgin and so lacking in experience with girls, and now i think i have erectile dysfunction and if i hook up girls will think my private is small and leave right there and spread the word around so girls everywhere in the towns near where i live will soon find out

and im also worried about how to find girls that JUST want to hookup and DONT want relationships, and how to let them know BEFOREhand so you dont think youre "loving and leaving" them, or how to find out that THEY JUST want hookups BEFOREhand... and what would be the socially correct way to go through with all of this?

g on November 08, 2012:

Vik, it could be that because you're thinking about the kind of stuff you write on here... you're always going to give out bad (and I mean seriosuly bad!) vibes around women. If you're able to be approachable they shouldnt all be weird with you. I got what you describe when I was 21, with a few women giving bad vibes as soon as they were intro'ed. When I was 21 I also had a whole group of girls on a table not want to put down my passport pic, because they thought it was the cutest pic they'd ever seen. How's that for mixed signals? Women are weird... very weird. They are attracted to ideas.

I get confused over whether they like me or not sometimes... because I think they pretend to like me, once they think I like them... some of them. Then if I continue to pursue they just start to give out negative vibes...

If you're thinking in the way you're writing on here, then even if you think you're being positive at the time, this is going into your subcontiousness and will be making you give out some pretty bad vibes that will tell women to stay away. You've got to think more positively.

Ive had the same stuff as you... believe me i know it sucks! I've also been invited back straight away from a 1st date... which i didnt take up, as i wasnt interested myself. So, this bad stuff can happen to you as well as the success as well. What one women likes can be soooo different to that of another... thats unless you're hot.... but if either of us was hot, lets just face it... we probably wouldnt be on this site. But you can be ok looking and still have an awful time because of other aspects... thats my point.

Viktor on November 01, 2012:

I hear you,man...

Brad on October 31, 2012:

Viktor - I can definitely relate. For some reason, most people think it's very easy to find a girlfriend. In fact, it seems that most people think you can just go out and find one whenever you want. They will say, "You're not married....why not??" The thought that no one wants you or would have anything to do with you never crosses their mind. I guess it's hard for people to understand when they have always had success in this area. However, it makes us "freaks" feel 100 times worse.

Viktor on October 29, 2012:

But the worst thing is when someone start to ask question about my non-existing girlfriend.For example,my mother.`Oh,honey,when are you going to invite your girlfriend to have a dinner with us?` or `I can`t wait to have a grandchild`.When I hear this I want to KILL HER!What girl,what grandchild,you crazy woman?!The closest I can get to a girl in a sexual(or any other way) is pornography.You mother is not a stupid person and I think she suspects that I don`t have any experience with them.I think she`s triyng to provoce me to admit that to her,because she probably thinks she could help me in some way. But how the hell can I do that?It`s fuckin` pathetic.I just say `I don`t have time for this` or `Don`t ask me those stupid questions`.After that,I just want to kill myself with a chainsaw...

Robert Lee (author) from Canada on October 28, 2012:

I think what you're missing is that if what you've been doing hasn't worked before maybe it's try to do something different.

Sure, a haircut might not seem to be that big a deal, or agame-changer, but why not think about what you can chnage, how you can be more open and less scared to do something that just might work.

sadkjfnask on October 24, 2012:

well if its looks, i look good now... my face has never been ugly, but now i lost weight to where i have low enough body fat for muscle definition, dress better, have a better haircut, and smell better (i never smelled bad but now i use better brands of shampoo, soap, and deodorant)

but i still cant get girls, im sure my only problem now is social skills and not knowing any girls well enough to date or hook up with and not having any guy friends to help me out

i can talk really well small talk with girls and they seem to be really happy to talk to me

but i cant get past small talk cause i always keep everything polite and professional, i dont know how to flirt or when it would be appropriate and how well i have to know the girl to flirt with her so she doesnt think im creeper

bob says on October 22, 2012:

hey Viktor, you are right.

Viktor on October 22, 2012:

I bought a gun.So long,suckers!Hahahahaha...I`m just kidding.I will use razors instead.P.S.Sadkjfnask,give up man,there`s no point.I don`t want to insult anyone here,but the fact is that women are evil bitches who just care about the way someone looks.Wait,what am I saying?I want to insult them.

straight man says on October 21, 2012:

if many of us good guys had met the right woman from the very beginning, we would certainly not be on here talking about.

sadkjfnask on October 20, 2012:

i used to be able to come on this page and find good, original advice in the new comments... what happened?

now when i come here all i see is negative comments from guys who have given up trying to get girls

guys, with that defeated attitude you're all bringing each other down, including me! come on, i need some new advice, i've gotten better but i'm stuck!

Brad on October 20, 2012:

Marc...Lol. I agree with you. According to people on here, you're supposed to just change your personality. It's apparently really easy. If that doesn't work, get a haircut. For reasons I haven't figured out yet, magic haircuts make girls like you. I haven't found the right cut yet, though.

Robert Lee (author) from Canada on October 19, 2012:

Work on it...

Robert Lee (author) from Canada on October 19, 2012:

Why don't you start with something other that "Hello" and a big pause. be a conversationalist and hold her attention. Talk it up. After the intro it's all up to YOU!

Viktor on October 15, 2012:

O,yeah,I`m Viktor...Hahaha.Oooo,my head...

Victor on October 15, 2012:

Ha,another success!Last night I was drunk as a beast and I approach to some girl who was very cute and drunk almost as me.Result=she turned me off before I said anything to her.But the best is yet to come.My friend,who was drunker than both of us, get her number few minutes after that.And this maniac allready have a girlfriend.I was so depressed last few years(many years),but now all my life,and all around me starting to be really hillarious.My life isn`t a tragedy anymore.It is a parody of a tragedy.O God,I`m still drunk as hell...

Marc on October 14, 2012:

So I've discovered from reading this that my personality isn't quite up to scratch. What now?

Viktor on October 12, 2012:

How the hell can I get a girlfriend,when they watch me in shock when ever I`m close to them(or far,depend on that how good they can see).Last night I went out in a club and some friend tryed to hook me up with some girl he knows from before,and guess what?He introduce me to her,I said `hello`,and she just stand there like I slap her,staring at me without saying absolutelly anything,and i just walked away.And my friend described her before like a really great girl.But the most annoying thing is when someone told me:Come on man,there are so many girls out there,approach to some of them.When I heard that I wanna SCREAAAM as loud as I can,because I know that it is immpossible in my case.It is true that there are ugly guys with a girlfriends,but I`m not ugly. I am fuckin` grotesque.And that is not my `low opinion` about myself,I`m not an idiot,it`s a cruel fact.I look like a victim of a car accident(which includes a lot of explosions),and I know,I just know that I will never get a girlfriend in my entire fuckin` life.And by writing this,I just want to express my anger and unspeakable frustration!!!Now I`m going to watch cartooooons!!!No,seriously,I`m starting to losing it...

Robert Lee (author) from Canada on September 15, 2012:

Really? Glad to see you're commited to making a change in your life. *sarcasm*

Have you ever see ordinary guys with hot girlfriends? How do you think they do it? Whining and complaining about their life? Their looks?

Of course not. They reach out, make friends and network.

I'll tell you one thing to do. Go get a haircut. Find a shop, find the cutest woman there and get her to do your hair.

Tell he you want a cut that will impress the ladies and let her do her magic.

You have to start somewhere!

g on August 30, 2012:

It’s not a magic formula to winning that needs to be applied... it’s just something to keep in mind, a sort of attitude.

I think if you look again at my post you'll see I said going into a bar might not be a good thing... but yes, sure clubs (and societies) are good. Join a martial art, cycling, running... you could get some interests... that's really important. People are married and have families, but they still have their interests.

I'm just saying, you need positive life experiences. It could be as simple as working somewhere where people are nice and respect you as a person on a daily basis. It could be at the library, some girl smiles at you and is friendly... it all adds up... the little things that happen that are positive. But, if you think about yourself in a negative light, every time you do, you're building a negative personality. I mean, I'm not mr perfect myself... I have my problems sometimes. But I still feel a lot of self-worth... I’ve had negative and positive experiences in the past and they make me who I am.

Sometimes we have to ask ourselves whether positive things are happening, but we're just seeing the negatives.

In the end the only way to win is to pull out of the spiral of negative self talk. Your last sentance is negative self talk, which has gone through your mind and made you even more into the kind of person you dont want to be.

Brad on August 29, 2012:

g - I appreciate your advice. However, I just can't see myself applying it. You mentioned "walking into a bar" or hanging out with people my own age. I don't go to bars and virtually 99.9% of all people my age are married. In fact, even if I was the most confident person in the world, I can't think of a single place where I could meet someone. I don't really have to worry about negative people too much because I don't have many friends. You mentioned "positive experiences" and I tried to think of the last time something like that happened. I couldn't think of it ever happening. I think that pretty much says it all.

g on August 29, 2012:

not so tom bom... you just need to expose yourself to positive experiences and get away from negative talk. When ever someone says something to you about you that puts you down it helps to build that negative image in your head of yourself, which controls your behaviour, which in turn makes you look a bad prospect to a potential mate.

You cant just walk into a bar and be mr confident on the spot from where you say you are at. But you can start trying to expose yourself to positive life experiences and people. Never tell new people you meet anything negative about yourself. Treat other people with respect, but never make them think that you feel they're better than you. Go and join some clubs that people your own age hangout in. You are always building your own self step by step, and every single time you think about yourself in a negative light your building that personality that women just dont want... so stop doing it.

It is that easy actually, but it takes many months or even years to do it. Just avoid all negative self talk. Dont allow yourself to think about negative things about yourself and you can sculpt yourself into anyone you want. The biggest threat is other people that can put you down and undo all that work. If you have positive experiences... I mean people inviting you out, treating you with respect... etc... you'll think about that instead and it will build your confidence.

Brad on August 28, 2012:

I get so sick of people saying "just be more confident." It's not something you can just do. It's a personality trait. You are either a confident person or you're not. I have absolutely nothing to be confident about, so I never have been. So, this basically means I can't have a mate and I don't deserve to have love.

g on August 28, 2012:

Tom bom, you're not managing to create attraction. This is what I learnt from my experiences:

its a bit different for us guys than it is for women. Men are visual creatures... we go heavily for looks, then personality. Women go heavily for personality, but looks also... and I dont mean the nice guy who will do anything for them; I mean the guy with confidence... the guy people want to talk to... the guy in control... the guy with the most influence. I have a friend who is very good with women and he's a very nice guy... no tats... doesnt even have any muscles. And yes, he's not too bad looking... but he has confidence in himself and he's very good chatting to people. There are times when ive been talking confidently and loudly, feeling in control... and Ive actually seen a girls interest in me (who previously rejected me) change. Its not always the idiots that get women... many nice, yet in control guys get them... Ive seen it. It sucks because it makes me think... well, what if they do like me when I'm feeling on top of the world... but I end up down on my luck, feeling fragile... will they dump me???

If you're hanging around with a bunch of people that dont respect you, they'll treat you badly in front of the girl you want... that will damage your chances with any one of them. Ditch the crowd that dont respect you at all costs and find some friends that do. Dont just hang around with a group of people that you feel arent treating you with 100% respect. A potential date will look at how other people respond to you... and if it isnt good and they dont know you well, they'll not consider you. Its the problem I had recently... when I asked out a girl at work, but she fell in with the people who totally disrespect me. Nothing I could really do about that.

Also, if hoping to meet a women, hangout on your own. The only times I have ever been approached by women is when I was on my own. Also, try online dating... it got me some extra confidence by exposing me to dating. Give that time though... it takes a'while to get good at it. The best tool a guy has is his confidence in attracting women... and thats why I take it very, very seriously if someone I know starts to try to put me down in any way... and so should you.

Dont go telling people who disrespect you to respect you... they wont... just ditch them completely, if you feel they arent treating you with respect. That includes not listening to you, putting you down, talking down to you, calling you names... and especially making fun of you behind your back. You may think people like that are your friends, but they're really your worst enemy.

Tom bom on August 27, 2012:

I just wont to no y man i realy am a good person and just have no idea what it is about me thay is so unattractive its not my fase if i wont to no what i look like just look at a picture of robert pland from led Zeppelin in73 not too bad and i no its not about looks i am a good persion to i but i mean i dont understand how a girl looking for a all around good guywould not love to be with me i can give her everything including kindness and love nut still now one will give me the time of day to evan smile ant me so please man write me back i dont no how much longer i can take the neglect i have tryed everything evan when i try talking to people wich is almost never nobody wonts to hear it evan my best friends have never evan tryed to huck me up with some of there girlfriend many single friends everytime i bring it up people quickly try to change the subject or turn it around on me just so they dont haft to wast another word on me i dont no what i have dun to be treated this way the same friend i was just talking aboud when his girlfriend left him for another guy i stayed at his house for a month sleeping on his couch just so he wont be alown evan tho i have been alown my whole lifehe cryed to me and i listed. And now i am injured and can bearley get out of ned for the last year and not one persion has come to c me wrote a letter sint me a tex or evan asked me if i am ok man please help i dont no how much longer i can take this

Tom bom on August 27, 2012:

And believe i have made moves just recently there was this girl she was my nabor and we have been friends for a while but she had a boyfriend but after she nroke up with him she started calling me wonting to hang out so a month goes by and we are having a blast and i was about to tell her how i felt but then she just stops talking to me i cal and i tex her not too much but there was always a bogus excuse. And the next thing i no she has another boyfriend and this is just one on a list of god knows how many every one and now idk what to do people just pretend im not there everybody. Always tells me how good if a persion i am and how any girl would be lucky to b with me well where are they y is it every freaking time i meat another girl she some night in dushbag armer comes and pisses on my fase and takes her away its like a girl would rather be betten than b with me

Tom bom on August 27, 2012:

You know i just dont understand y i just can get a girlfriend i have a great faniley and grew up with lots of frinds i consider my self a good harted person i make people laugh all the timebut still i him 24 and never had a date im pretty good lookingi have many skills such as3 welding degrees a good job i play guitar(verry well) but i am not a cockey person i also love bein outside on the watter in the sun i am very active i take every opportunity to meat women. I am verry respecful to women but still they eather wonna be just friends or they dont wont anything to do with me

g on August 18, 2012:

... and its not just her. Earlier this year another new girl at work waited for me to leave the building, then suddenly was walking up against me when I left the building. Again, there was lots of energy the next day, with her walking past my desk, looking, asking me out on breaks.. and I wasnt intitally interested, but she sort of grew on me... and as soon as that happened she seemed to instantly lose interest (although we still hangout on breaks)! .... it's all very confusing!

I just dont understand!

g on August 18, 2012:

I’ve been left out of the dating/mating game for a very long time (due to shyness in the past). I'm much older than the age I should have started out in the department... but not mid-aged... and i've started reaching out to the opposite sex for the first time this year, properly. Its strange... I’ve been on quite a few dates now and I have a few numbers in my phone book. I'm a guy in his early 30's with the experience and understanding of a teenager (in this department)... which is awful! I'm making a lot of mistakes that someone half my age would make!

In some ways women are a mystery and I'm learning. I used to think that if a girl smiles at you and clocks that you're interested... then that must mean they too are interested in you. What s really hit me hard is just how interested a women can be in the fact you're interested in them without actually being interested in starting something... if you know what I mean (and I'm not talking about ones that do like you, but are not single)? I just don’t work that way... so its confusing. I mean if a girl I'm not interested in seems to like me, I'll be polite... but will not gaze into her eyes, or play along with it... etc... etc.

Now, there was this new girl at work. I saw her, I liked her and she clocked it pretty much straight away. Eventually there was a lot of energy between us... and it even fooled another guy who was after her into believing I was getting somewhere with her... so its not just my lack of experience that led to the misunderstanding... or whatever happened. Anyway, as soon as the other guy seemed to fail in his quest... well, I figured that was a green light to ask her out. She's actually the first girl I’ve properly asked out... but as soon as I did it, she was totally not interested.... I mean, she did swap numbers with me, but you could tell she wasn’t interested. What's with that? If she didn’t like me, why didn't she just not show any signs of interest?? Is it common for a women to behave like that when they're not interested back?? Do you really always need to actually ask a girl out before you know if they like you, or is this a weird case?

I know all her friends pretty much don’t like me (mainly guys that I already didn’t get on with before she arrived)... so I was wondering whether she had been poisoned, so I had no chance.... or whether she just generally was never interested. She's 27 yrs old.

I'm sure I sound like a school boy... but in this department I pretty much am! So any opinions are welcome!

John on August 13, 2012:

My Name is John. I will love to share my testimony to all my friends because i never believe i will have my girlfriend back. When i called her she never picked my calls,She deleted me on her Facebook and she changed her Facebook status.when i went to her to her place of work she told her friends she never want to see me.I tried all i could do to have her back with me but all did not work out until i met a Man when i Travel to Africa to meet my aunt.I told him my problem and all have passed through in getting her back and how she embarrass me in her place of work,he told me he is going to help me but don't believe that in the first place.but he swore he will help me out and he told me the reason why my girlfriend left me and also told me some hidden secrets.i was amazed when i heard that from him,he said he will cast a spell for me and i will see the results in the next couple of days..then i travel back home the following day and i called him when i got home,he said he is busy casting those spells and he has bought all the materials needed for the spells,he said am gonna see positive results in the next 3 days that is Thursday. My girlfriend called me at exactly 10:35am on Thursday and apologies for all she had done, she said she never knew what she's doing she promised not to do that again.It was like am hallucinating when i heard that from her and when we ended the call,i called the man and told him my girlfriend called me on phone apologies. Am posting this to the forum for everybody that is interested in meeting the man for help this is his email address All i have to say is THANK YOU DOCTOR

juliet on August 03, 2012:


Derek on August 03, 2012:

Brad, Jon is absolutely correct and I'll point out to you that ignoring facts or pretending they don't exist does not make them go away!

Jon never said you had to quit caring that you're not someone women want to be with, just that there are a lot of women with very ugly men who either do not feel that they're ugly or who don't care that they are. The women are with them, no matter how it is they feel about themselves.

How you feel about yourself is part of your attitude. You will never see a good looking person who has a low opinion of themselves unless they are very young - too young to have done the many things a person can do to completely ruin their looks. People who do not take care of themselves will be ugly after about age 20 or so, and people who proactively abuse themselves will look very crummy in short order and it will be very difficult to reverse.

Brad on August 02, 2012:

Jon...Those are all valid points. However, it's kind of like picking up your self confidence. It's hard to just stop caring that you're not someone women want to be with. I wish it was that easy. I also don't really believe that how you feel about yourself dictates others' feeling. If there is a really good looking person with low self confidence, people are still going to be highly attracted to that person. I think this idea of how you perceive yourself was made up to make people like me feel better. Unfortunately, I don't think it's factually accurate.

ROB SAYS on August 01, 2012:

women are into more of the UGLIEST LOOKING MEN NOWADAYS, especially that many of them are RICH. many women these days like men with a lot of MONEY, UGLY OR NOT. GOD FORBID, if they can only like a man for HIMSELF.

Jon on July 30, 2012:

Brad, as long as you believe that you are an ugly guy, so will everyone else. YOU sound like you don't even want to be around you, so why would anyone else?

Seriously, there are some truly hideous looking men out there who have wives and girlfriends. True, most of those women have some serious issues of their own, mostly psychological, but those men they're with either do not believe that they're ugly guys, or else they just don't care that they are. We can't see you, so we'll just have to take your word for it that you're ugly. If you learn to quit caring that you're an ugly guy, you'll probably find that some women out there could care less too as long as they enjoy being around you.

Brad on July 18, 2012:

I love it when people say "pick up your self-confidence" like it's just a switch you flip. Sometimes it's not low self-confidence. Sometimes you think you're ugly actually are! The bottom line is women are egotistical, shallow bitches. As far as I can see, there isn't anything an ugly guy can do to change that. I know because I am an ugly guy.

Robert Lee (author) from Canada on July 15, 2012:

Good luck!

Robert Lee (author) from Canada on July 15, 2012:

And where were you years ago?

It was just as hard, there were just fewer distractions.

Viktor on June 29, 2012:

Man,I spend every free time I have out.I`m not like those internet maniacs.Nothing can help me,except plastic surgery.Why the hell am I writing this,it`s pointless...Thanks for the advices,anyway.Now I`m going outside to watch the sky and throw change money on people.I hate this universe.P.S.Reply to CARL SAYS-Riiiiiiiiiiiight...

CARL SAYS on June 28, 2012:

hey i just thought of something, if the women of today, had been as good as they were years ago, it CERTAINLY would have been a lot EASIER meeting them now. don't you agree?

Robert Lee (author) from Canada on June 28, 2012:

Hi Viktor,

Maybe a beard will help?

I don't know but you certainly need to pickup your self-confidence. Read a book ( and take a walk after dinner to relieve some of your stress.

Start taking better care of yourself and you'll have more opportunities to find the girlfriend you want.


Viktor on June 22, 2012:

I am so exausted of being alone...I am so sick of this life...I am so sick of watching girls I like with someone else...I am so,so tired of everything...I tried everything and I get absolutely nothing,because when you have a face like a prison rapist,nothing can help you.And I just don`t know what to do or think anymore.I`m 25 btw,but who cares...

rafael on June 09, 2012:

Are you ugly?

Too short?

Too tall?

Not dressing well enough?

Bad haircut?

Body odor?

Bad breath?



i dont have any of these negative sides..but i still dont have a girlfriend and im 20!!!i feel so miserable..ugly guys that i knew can get girlfriend in at ease why as to i? about being so half assessed unfulfilled adulthood tell me..why cant i have one???!!!!

Robert Lee (author) from Canada on May 31, 2012:

Guys, you need to read some of this hub:

and this website:


Noname on May 26, 2012:

I'm 17 years old and my junoir year of high school is about to be over, ive never had a legit girlfriend or for that matter even a friend that is a girl, up untill now.

See up untill this year i have had a couple friends but i never did anything besides go to school and play videogames really, so you could say ive been extremlly antisocial, however at the begining of this school year i joined the wrestling team. That has done wonders for me, it has made me more or else popular (not that i give a crap about popularity) and so much less socially awkard.

So everyday i go to school talk with all my friends even talk to decent amount of good looking girls that i like, but when the bell rings and the day is over i go home to my lonely house with nothing to do, no "real" friends to call or hang out with, i actually dread friday and the weekend because i know it means 48 hours of solitude.

A few weeks ago i actually hung out with a hot girl,just me and her!!!! =D My confidence is good, i know im semi decent looking and have money to take a girl out etc.

The thing is i cant ask the girl i hung out with out, shes sort of like a sister to my and my friends(sort of the Elaine of our Seinfeld type group if u will), up untill this year all my friends were friends with her but i wasnt because i couldnt really talk to girls but since joining wrestling team ive built confidence and i actually talk to her oftenly now, shes not the girl im trying to ask out, just awesome to have a friend thats a girl :)

The girl i like is a sophmore(1 grade lower than me)shes in one of my classes and for the past 17 weeks ive had class with her ive wanted to talk to her but never could come to it. Last friday something came across me and i actually talked to her for a few minutes and made her laugh!

I really want to keep talking to her and possibly ask her out but this is a new territory for me...i really dont know how to ask her to hangout with me outside of school, i know very little about her and i dont want her to think im stalking her so i cant even come to adding her on facebook. I just...want advice on how to ask her out to maybe a movie or go out to eat or something, i think she likes me(enough to say yes) and i really dont want to screw this up, i have never asked a girl out before so who knows how ill deal with rejection(my guess is ill just be slightly more sad on those lonely weekends). Any tips on how to ask her out would be AWESOME. im really not too awkard when i talk to girls its just i have no experience in this field and all the other guys have been doing this since 7th grade so i know im behind and just dont want to seem like a joke to her. Thanks for reading!

RealityKnows on May 23, 2012:

I totally get what you mean, Im exactly the same.

I make one mistake in my first impression's and its like im totally out the question, honestly it kinda pisses me off.

Ive been called weird also, i don't quiet understand it.

Because im 'nice' they think im weird, where im from everyone love to do the whole '2-faced' game where you pretend/backstab to be friends just to further your social status.

I can't and won't do that and for that i've often been called 'too nice', guess because i dont have a enormously inflated ego they think im a weird.

fqoijoqij on May 20, 2012:


yeah i agree with you that it's stupid that in this whole dating game (when meeting new girls) girls judge us all on their first impression of us

i mean guys like us might be really good guys if girls would just give us a chance but just because we're awkward when first meeting us cause we're nervous or don't know what to talk about makes the girl decide she's not attracted to us and completely puts us out of the question

if they got to know me they'd realize how mature, down to earth, and in touch with emotions and reality i am

it sucks for me because i probably won't be able to meet a girl at work the whole summer because everyone there is stuck on their first impression of me that i made when i started the job last summer:

i was really nervous when i first started my job and they think i'm weird, and think i have no common sense (because when i'm nervous i can't think straight or i think too fast so i ask a lot of stupid questions, make a lot of stupid mistakes, get clumsy, and take really long doing things on the job)

RealityKnows on May 20, 2012:

I really hate this whole 'judge the book by its cover' mentality that everyone promotes in everyday life.

If there is a God this is what he is waiting for,

for us to grow up and finally start treating everyone/everything with respect and not just those you like or who can benefit you but even those you may not like or may even hate you, because that it's the truly good thing to do.

People these days throw around words like 'good', 'bad', 'cool' and 'uncool'

without ever actually knowing what they mean.

To assume you know who is 'cool' and 'uncool' is taking the assumption you understand eveything about the world and universe which is evident that most of you have no clue, your just good at spinning your little web of words. (even the devil can have a forked-tongue)

You should NEVER judge anyone by their looks no matter what,

Thats my problem with this whole 'dating-game'

It encourages people to be promiscuous and have fun while betraying eachother,

I mean is this what our Forefathers died for so we can be a society built on arrogance and hypocrites, honsetly why do you think everyone is trying to blow us up.

We humans are capable of great things not because of our standards or looks, It's the courage of our hearts.

In war, soldiers would jump on live grenades so they would be the ones to die and not their whole platoon.

We shouldn't judge on things so circumstancial as looks

because the 'weird-kid' or 'loser' in the corner could be the one who has enough heart and guts to save the world while everyone else is crying and scared.

You can never know what anyone is capable of.

I dont know why its sooo hard for us to get this.

but i guess it's in our nature to be supremely ingorant and stupid.

TheTruth on May 20, 2012:

Where there are winners there has to be losers.

Thats basic science and/or math, its impossible for us all to be 'winners' so the whole point in this topic is null and void, probably to just help the topic starter to feel good about himself and actually feel like he's a 'good person'.

But the fact is he isn't, to pretend to help for the sake of apperances is something this civilization does way too much.

See for me the first 14-15 years i never looked back, did what i did when i felt like it, benefits of having friends in the 'cool' crowd.

But as i got to age 12/13 i began to realize although people may laugh with me and enjoy my jokes that was the only reason they 'liked' me.

While we all grew up and started interacting with girls i saw them hardly having to try and girls would go off with them to hug and such but me, no such luck.

It's like i was the 'No fly zone', this is what was the start of my depression problems.

This began with me starting to doubt myself and why i was here, "Why was the one thing i loved most about the world 'girls' the one thing that despised me?"

But at such a young age i just ingored most of this inner turmoil and just kept trying to go on with my life but seems the more i tried to move on it would just come back to haunt me.

When i thought my positivity was back all it would take is my friends to start teasing me about 'Not ever having a girlfriend'and then my depression would return which left me scarred and the less i mentioned my romance problem the better i felt but i can never fully escape it.

So after years of putdowns and rejections i went to high school with never having a girlfriend.

This was some of my hardest years ever for me, because ive always seen myself as socially retarded.

It's like i have this curse where i have the hardest trouble coming across as confident and cool when everything on the inside was telling me im 'ugly', 'pathetic' and 'unloveable'.

Anyway the first year of highschool, around halfway through i find out a beautiful girl in my class liked me.

thing is because of my past i have been avoiding girls since the age of 10-14.

So when she started to give me hints i was always too nervous and shy to really go any further with it because i felt as soon as she she knew the 'real' me with all my faults, she would either just be weirded out nd not bother or she would find out and laugh at me like most people have.

Pretty much the whole of high school for me, those who really knew me didn't like me and those who didn't know me

only thought they liked me.

so fast forward 4-6 years and here i am, my depression has destroyed me, my friendships and my future.

Im about 20 now and have never had a girlfriend and have never kissed a girl.

stuck in a dead end job and has lost all hope of finding a beautiful girl who could ever love what i am.

I dont think, i know im a freak.

Theres something wrong with me and i just can't be like everyone else.

To me a good day is one where i dont completely hate myself and want to kill myself.

People tell me im a nice guy and that people would miss me if i died or wasnt here anymore.

I know this may be selffish but that isn't enough, to be the nice guy in the corner just standing there ready for whenever someone needs me, im sorry but that is not enough.

I want find a girl who loves me for who i really am but not everyone gets miracles.

Im not saying for all of us its hopeless but im starting to get there.

When people say to me "enjoy these years they are the best of your life" i secretly cry inside to myself because i can't imagine life getting worser from here on out.

Its so hard to 'get back on the horse' when through your whole life you were never on it, and never knew how.

As the days pass the more it seems likely that i will die alone.

Some days i just really want to die and not be here anymore, thats my truth.

JustAshyGuy on May 14, 2012:

Hello RP I really need your help on something.

I'm too shy around girls, can't approach them and I'm actually scared of being 'forever alone'...

I recently turned 18 and up to now only had 1 gf for about 1 month after she cheated on me.

I have had too little experience with girls and thus it's affecting how I communicate with them right now.

To make matters worse, 2 Years ago I moved continents from Asia to Europe... So I basically have to change my mentality (and because their mother tongue is my 2nd language) I have to improve in my German. I mean I can speak and all but I speak way too formal so basically said I bore the girls out. Been rejected by 5 girls in a row.

I'm too shy and insecure. But I can't seem to change that. I guess I've also become really self conscious too!! Girls see flaws in me the whole time, even close girl friends that I've had.

I guess I'm just that desperate to 'fit in' that I'm causing my own downfall.

I have no idea how to communicate with the girls here, and I'm not even going out that much these days so I've no idea what to talk about IF i manage to talk to a girl.

The fact that I'm part asian also makes me really self conscious. Ever seen an (part) Asian dude with an European girl? ...

I need tips please! I'm becoming really cynical and at times contemplating suicide (because of other reasons too).

Help me change my social life!! :(

Oh and... I'm well built (go to fitness), tall (186cm) and a friendly dude. A go with the flow type of guy. But I'm really getting self conscious about my face (skin isn't really in that great a condition)

Hoping for your reply

msiofjqjlka on May 13, 2012:

oh and it's driving me crazy, girls i talk small talk with as friendly acquaintances with at work even describe things i say or do as "cute" or say "you're so cute" but i know based on context and the look on their face they mean puppy-dog, little brother, not-attracted-to-me cute instead of hot

and i know what i said wasn't weird and i don't talk or disclose too much, these girls barely know me or anything about me

and i'm 21! these girls are younger than me, like 18... i would say i'm fairly good-looking, so i know this can be done for me... how do i go from "cute" to "hot"?

msiofjqjlka on May 06, 2012:


how can i show a girl respect? by being really nice to her? cause that never works for me... in the past, if i did that, girls would end up just using me and only think of me as a friend (not even a friend, an acquaintance)

in fact whenever i'm really nice to girls now they just call me a "doll" or "angel" or something and think of me as a child or like their little brother... even though i'm older than them! lol

kimmybracken on May 05, 2012:

well for one reason if you don't give alady respect we won't be interested and if you don't like yourself then no one will like you

Robert Lee (author) from Canada on April 30, 2012:

Hi forever alone,

You're not very different from most guys your age. Conversation and small talk doesn't always come easily and that doesn't get easier with age either.

Stop trying so hard to be funny or a bad boy and try to enjoy talking with the girls. they'll appreciate it more and you'll do better too.


forever alone on April 30, 2012:

hey guys im currently 17 years of age, medium build ive been called good looking a couple of times but when it comes to talking to women its like all i do is make fun of them or just disagree with them? i dunno whats wrong with me, its like a cant have a legit conversation with a women. is something wrong?

Robert Lee (author) from Canada on April 29, 2012:

Hi Noneofyourbusiness,

I don't usually have word spats with people that choose to remain anonymous while bad-mouthing me. You don't like what I say, fine, beat it, there's thousands of guys that "get it" and it's obvious that your mean-spiritedness and bias will keep you miserable and alone. Your choice to make.

Read this, sleep on it, go bother someone else.

" 1) Personality

2) Perseverance

These are the keys to getting dates.

Summed up we have:

Personality: how you act and react around people. Are you a good conversationalist and a great listener? Do you actively participate in conversations or do you attempt to "hog" conversations, butting in, not giving other participants time to talk? Do you try to change the subject? Do you interrupt?

Are you funny? Are you good humored? Can you make people laugh with you (not at you)?

Do you get upset easily and share your disappointment with anyone within earshot?

People like to be with other people that have a positive personality; people that have "active listening skills" (being able to ask intelligent questions about the subject being discussed, paying attention to the current speaker, and not trying to change the conversation or butt into the group of talkers). Do people naturally gravitate towards you because you are smiling, warm and friendly?

Perseverance: how are you with problems, turns of events, when things don't go your way? Do you get angry and give up or do you hunker down and find alternate solutions? Being able to find a girlfriend is all about taking rain on your parade and hoping for a rainbow. Sure, you'll get some rejection, that's life. But can you make the negative experience of a "No" turn into a learning experience and work towards the next girl's "Yes"?"

Noneofyoureffinbusiness on April 29, 2012:

So it's just human nature to conform?

So being me isn't good enough? I must change who i am and my interests just to be appealing, then what get some girl to buy it all, then settle down and realize you don't really know one another?

I just get sick of hearing 'why is the divorce rate so high?' when its pretty damn obvious?

I mean i think there is one key ingredient your missing out on, ignorance.

Your pretty much just saying to achieve 'cool' one must believe they are the 'coolest' to radiate appeal but that in itself is ridiculous 'cool' and 'not cool' are just stupid illusions that we create to make ourselves feel better about life and help us forget about our own mortality

The fact is we are all the same, well all die and the differences are only in how we think and as long as people think like this i see the world getting even more messed up with it's morality.

Im a caring person by heart that is who i am but i have to hide that most of the time because in this day and age it's a weakness because no-one appreciates a nice person, they want whats 'awesome' or 'cool' and then cue the complaints by women "why are all guys i get with so stupid?" well maybe, just maybe its selection process.

Anyone can learn the strategies of picking up chicks, hell even serial killers can play women like a flute just because they play into the ridiculous cliche that people expect out of life.

So yes you are giving us the tools but not everyone has the mindset to use them effectively because this way of thinking is not for everyone and it shouldn't be.

See the thing with todays society we all spend so much time trying to be something more than what we are.

The facts are you don't know anyone until the bullets starting flying, you just seem to be feeding fuel to the idea of "Do judge a book by its cover"

Any coward can project confidence but maybe they're just really naive and pathetic? But because they hit the right notes women drool all over them, so predictable.

I've also been told im "too nice", how can one be 'too nice' they should be thanking me im not ripping they're throat out.

What im saying is seems women dont want 'good' or 'bad' but they want a mixture of both which is really stupid (2 faced)

Oh and i did read it but I think it's under the assumption that we all operate like how you obviously do and if i am missing the point please, please specify?

Robert Lee (author) from Canada on April 28, 2012:

Hi Noneofyoureffinbusiness, I don't know what you were reading but certainly not the article at the top of the page.

Read it again.

And if you want to remain miserable, lonely and friendless, then just keep doing what you are doing.

Many people have success not because of who they are but how others see them.

If you want all the girls to think you're ugly because you wear ripped clothes, rarely shower, etc., then that's your business.

But don't come here blaming the world when change and taking advantage of the opportunities presented are all up to you.

Get it now?


Noneofyoureffinbusiness on April 28, 2012:


I mean you make it sound like "Get over it and just chance your personality"

Like its that easy, So your basically saying to get what you want you have to pretend to be someone else.

No wonder I see so many two faced people out there just blowing air out of their mouth to get ahead.

What happened to loyalty, honesty and modesty.

What im basically trying to say to all of the people posting on here is that the problem is not with you, it is with the world we live in and how we are all raised to think.

I believe the world was suppose to be a place where you can be yourself and love.

Not have to trim the edges of what makes you, you. Just so you can fit into someone elses perfect idea of life.

what a joke you make it sound like a hobby not a way to find true love.

Noneofyoureffinbusiness on April 28, 2012:

I get your points R Pseudomen, but your making the assumption everyone operates like you do.

The fact is we are all our own person and unique and the truth is this world has ridiculous expectations which means people are wanting something that doesn't exhist.

Why do you think all these wankers all act the same because girls are stupid enough to go for it, like a moth to the flame.

Lee on April 27, 2012:

I feel so ugly! :(

E on April 22, 2012:

I always had plenty of girlfriends.

and when I was between relationships and single,

I got laid all the time!

Ahh, but I turned 46 years old yesterday.

I never married. Most of the hundreds of friends I once had,

got married, or faded out of my life.

Now I have no social circle, and I don't meet any women anymore.

I won't bore you with the cheating, or the other reasons why I could not marry any of my long term girlfriends ....

But after boning literally hundreds of chicks,

it's hard to face the truth....

I'm getting older now, and I'm no longer what the ladies want.

And as much as it sucks,

It is quite possible . . .

I'll never get laid again!

(unless of course, I go back to Thailand )

Robert Lee (author) from Canada on April 22, 2012:

Hi pieqrkjm,

I understand "horny" but if you're looking strictly for pick-up advice I'm not your guy.

I think that we all need to respect ourselves and each other.

If we break down our most primal needs, that is "to get laid", then we're just a bunch of horny toads.

But I do understand where you're coming from.

Not having experienced a "great relationship" you'd at least like to have the sex part of one.

It's time to start flirting, to "push" things to where you're comfortable asking a girl out.

Otherwise, you're going to be the guy that heads to the bar 1 hour before closing time and hitting on the drunkest girl in the place, whether she's a 10 or a 3.

Go the "I'm open to a relationship but..." path and you'll get what you think you need right now.

Come back in 5 years and let me know if it worked out for you.


pieqrkjm on April 22, 2012:

R Pseudomen,

Do most of the same rules apply when you want to just date girls casually and hook up? I don’t want a girlfriend right now, I’m not ready for a long-term steady girlfriend yet, I’m too busy and I don’t think I’m ready for it emotionally. But I still feel like I should start casual dating. How do we go about finding women that aren’t looking for serious relationships, that just want one date? How do we just hook up with girls without hurting them? When we’re trying to pick a girl up, should we find some way to work this into the conversation, because I know girls like honesty and they would be hurt and mad if they hooked up with you expecting a relationship and finding out you didn’t want one? Or should we only mention this as we get closer and talk more?

I’m 21, a virgin, and I’ve never asked a girl out. I’ve had only 1 girlfriend, who got her friend to ask me if I would go out with her (so I never even got experience of asking a girl out), our relationship lasted steadily for about 6 months, lasted an additional year on-and-off because we couldn’t see or talk to each other after school because our parents broke us up, and ended over 5 years ago (or 6 years ago if you don’t count after our parents broke us up), and she’s the only girl I ever kissed. I just feel like I need experience in asking girls out, flirting dating, and hooking up. And I’m horny haha

I don’t how or when to flirt with girls, I can never take it past friends (not even friends, just acquaintances because I never see them or talk to them outside of work, school, or wherever it is, and never even get past small talk!), but all girls I talk to are friendly with me, think I’m nice and think I’m outgoing and have a good personality, so that’s something, they might think I’m gay haha since I never flirt or say anything that could be interpreted as I’m attracted to them. I mean even if I’m not in a relationship, I should be dating and hooking up, because I’m an adult now and that’s why adults do


Robert Lee (author) from Canada on April 21, 2012:

The question of her age is a good one.

Really, other than asking her and hoping she tells you the truth, or snooping into her purse, you have to go with your instincts.

In the age bracket you ask about, err on the side of caution.

Good luck!


mfsdaoifhik on April 21, 2012:

R Pseudomen,

i'm 21, so the age group i'm attracted to at the oldest usually isn't that much older than me

and a lot of times it's hard to tell just by looking at her that a 16-year-old isn't 18 or older

so if i'm trying to pick up girls that are strangers like in the mall or grocery store, how can i ease their age into the conversation so i can make sure they're not underage?

i know probably if they're with people old enough to be their parent(s) or grandparent(s) and not with any friends then they're probably not even old enough to drive, but other than that?


Robert Lee (author) from Canada on April 21, 2012:

Hi wqouednou,

You ask her "I bet your boyfriend really likes...

those earrings

that shirt

those shoes

your hair"

... etc.

And if she has a boyfriend you kindly say "He's a lucky guy" and get the hell out of there.

Don't mow another guy's grass, so to speak.


Mike on April 21, 2012:

Just wanted to say thank you, for sharing knowledge.

wqouednou on April 19, 2012:

RPseudomen, if you're asking a stranger, how do you know if she has a boyfriend or not?

do you just ask her on a date and wait for her to tell you no she has a boyfriend?

or should you kind of trick her by asking her questions that if she had a boyfriend she would mention him, or ease the conversation into something about her boyfriend or where she would mention her boyfriend without implying that you're about to ask her out?

do you ask her first if she has a boyfriend before you ask her to go somewhere?

and if she DOES have a boyfriend, how do you respond? just "I'm sorry" or something or should you deny that you were asking her out romantically?

Alan on April 16, 2012:

Hi All!

I am having similar story. Had no girlfriend. Whomever I liked, they didn't Like me. Whoever liked me, I didn't like them. Story is going on. Now I started like being single. I have more options. I can talk to any girls if I want. But I believe at times I go for certain types. It creates problem. Recently I liked a tomboy, I said her that I love her. She said she don't have same feelings. I still love her. But why should I wait for her, who don't love me. Guys its part of business, nothing personal. If you think about one, you loose ten. out of that ten there will be two, out of that two You might like one. So be on the dating game guys. Enjoy dating ;)

Jimmy92 on April 15, 2012:

Word up @Landon. Thnx for the feedback.

chris on April 12, 2012:

I feel really miserable. i'm 28 going on 29 very soon and so far never had a gf. don't no what it feels like to hug someone, don't know what it feels like to kiss and being kissed. I'v been let down by every girl i tried to go out with (4 in all).

At the moment i have a friend, he's a boy, we go out well together, i like him, sometimes am afraid i like him more than expected. i really don't know what's heppening. sometimes i feel i'm going mad. I feel that my life is over and need help.

juniko1439 on April 06, 2012:


yeah if you continue hanging out with her without telling her you like her, you'll probably fall into the friend zone unless she's a take-charge kind of girl who will make the first move

and by time you tell her you like her she might say she always thought of you and just a friend and was never attracted to you (even though this might not be true, she just might have developed a crush on someone else at this point)

i don't know why girls always tell that lie because we obviously later see them with a boyfriend or find out they hooked up...

for me it would help my confidence better if they told the truth, so i would know that it was that just fell for another guy, and that it wasn't me being ugly and that she could only see me as a friend

do they really think that lie is supposed to make us feel better? lol

theTiGor on April 06, 2012:

It sure is, RP.

I'm sure escapism is a central component of this, and that's a large part of what made this guy from two states away more attractive to Alicia than any of the many other single men in their early 20's in this city.

This also illustrates something I chose not to go into a few hours earlier when I rattled out my last post. In every organization I've belonged to, him (whatever his name was) asking Alicia out was, let's just way, improper. Sometimes it's questionable, sometimes it's expressly prohibited, and sometimes it is just a line any decent person understands should not be crossed in this day and age.


When you listen to our grandparents' generation talk about how they met, this kind of thing happened ALL THE TIME. This was also long before the first sexual harassment lawsuit was filed and decades before sexual harassment found its way into employee handbooks and corporate policy!

Worthwhile people value their jobs. Men, especially, while they may not like having to do it, know they need to restrain themselves. The net result? It's like all the gun control laws not doing anything to deter the lawbreakers! Guys who don't really want to work, don't value their job, and don't follow rules or respect boundaries, THEY are the ones who will just go ahead and take some action when every other guy is holding back in deference to company policy and the work environment.

As I have often summed things up in the modern world, sometimes the losers are winning...and society suffers for it.

My second, and final, observation for the day.

Robert Lee (author) from Canada on April 06, 2012:

Hi theTiGor, I too have witnessed these "transformations" as younger people find themselves in "love" and make rash decisions to the exclusion of the "normalcy" they are in.

"Escapism" is the word of the day.

And yet the old saying holds true even in this advice and information laden world we find ourselves in:

"Experience is the best teacher".


theTiGor on April 06, 2012:

There is beauty in simplicity, friends! And being direct sometimes helps, too.

This morning I heard all about a situation a coworker of mine is getting herself into, and I thought about this hub page while she was telling me about it. I'll share it here because it gives a good picture of what some of us guys have to face off with in today's world!

My coworker, Alicia, didn't show up to work for a few days. I'd figured we'd seen the last of her, but for whatever the reason, she was back this morning. I told her that I thought maybe moved on to bigger and better things. She informed me that she only WISHED she had, because she's moving to Michigan in a few months to live with a guy she met who was a member of a construction crew who had been performing work at our facility.

Alicia is 23. I wouldn't call her good looking, really, but definitely 'okay' for this late date in my locale. 5'4" or so, straight light brown hair with hazel eyes, relatively clean, and relatively slightly built. If it wasn't for the tattoos, I'd consider her attractive, more or less.

She asked if I remembered the guy in question. She pointed out that he was the one with all the tattoos and piercings. Honestly, that could have been any one of them! But I think I might know which guy it was. Apparently he asked her out. She discovered they both like the same obscure death metal type band, and that means they have 'so much' in common. Granted, I don't think she'd find anyone else in this town who even knows what that band is, let alone 'like' them...

Alicia went on to describe how awesome this guy was, and while apparently he'd quit his job, he had SO MUCH going for him, unlike all the (presumably early -20's) guys around this town! This was the opportunity she'd always wanted to leave 'this dump'. Instead, she'd be moving to...Detroit. She said her dad was happy for her, though her mother thought it was a stupid idea, but that she didn't care what her mother thought for whatever petty reason (she kind of lost me on that one). Then she alluded to how her kid (I didn't realize she was a single mother) wouldn't be going to Detroit, but how she thought if her kid missed her maybe she could come back to visit every now and then because it was 'only' a 7 or 8 hour drive...

I think I know why her mother thought this was a bad idea.

I had to try very hard not to shake my head while she was telling me this. Instead, I stuck to the 'smile and nod' routine. I guess you learn best what you learn the hardest, and this really isn't the first time I've seen this kind of thing, not by a long shot.

I wished her well on her upcoming 'adventure'.

That's what we get to compete with, guys!

Have a nice weekend!

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