Andrea writes on various topics from dating, couples, astrology, weddings, interior design, and gardens. She studied film and writing.
Fuzzy Caterpillars above the Lips
Of course, plenty of women don’t mind a little bit of fur above your upper lip, but if you want the truth as to why some might find it squeamish to draw closer to you and your mustache, here’s perhaps some truth on your furry little friend above your lips. This is satire so please don’t take this too seriously. ;)
*Note: you have the luxury to do what you want with your facial hair. You don’t have to seek the approval of anyone. For the most part, mustaches are trivial and not deal-breakers.
So what can be said of this particular facial hair? It comes and goes like the wind. There will be times when no one wears a mustache, and in other years, every man and their dog is rocking a third eyebrow.
For those of you who are not experts on what a mustache is:
It is facial hair growth above the upper lip, it may or may not be accompanied by a beard, muttonchops, or goatee. The word mustache is French in origin, and it is a derivative of moustachio from the Italians.
Famous people with memorable mustaches include:
- Theodore Roosevelt
- Tom Selleck
- Charlie Chaplin
- Mark Twain
So why might women dislike the little pipe cleaner you have glued to your face? Here are some of the reasons why:
1. Mustaches are still associated with creepers, old smelly men, and porn stars. Not to mention old professors and — worst of all — father figures. This isn’t exactly appealing to women, and it could even scare them as it reminds them of a whole list of people they would prefer to never kiss.
2. Kissing someone with a hairy upper lip can be uncomfortable. Mustaches and facial hair can be scratchy. We want you. Not your hair pet.
3. That thing collects food crumbs, germs, snot, and lord knows what. That thing is dirty. It’s kind of like talking to a filth hairball that got stuck in the sink.
4. We don’t want to make out with someone who looks like the circus ringmaster. Alright, some people do want to do that… You’re hurting our capability to go into the imaginative world, so please don’t distract us when you’re a lovely person hiding behind a strip of hair.
5. If you can’t grow a full beard, hiding behind a mustache is the equivalent of hiding behind a comb-over. The man who is bold enough to shave his head in this situation wins points with the lady folk. We like hair — we LOVE lush hair. We’re not huge fans of a man holding onto the last clumps of his hair in denial of his fated balding.
6. It starts to become obnoxious seeing how much you’ll invest in your booger friend from buying a mustache comb, mustache wax, to standing in front of the mirror-like Narcissus. We start to wonder if the mustache is who you’re really dating. Is your booger friend getting in the way of us? Not just physically… because that’s evident, but emotionally too? Screw that piece of facial hair!
7. Mustaches make you look ridiculous. It’s hard to take someone seriously when they have a big obnoxious mustache or one that looks repulsive. Twirling your mustache reminds us only of things that need to stay in the past, like giant muscle men riding unicycles or men in black clothes and top hats tip-toeing to train tracks where they’ve tied down women. Sure, your mustache may seem manly to you, but to women — it screams insanity.
8. If you’re so inclined to go to a mustache convention to show off your facial hair, well Bob, it’s gone way too far. You’re too attached to what your facial hair can offer. I have no idea what person goes to these conventions, it might be a great bonding experience… or it could be a niche interest gone too far.
9. Like Clark Kent with the glasses and not the glasses, the mustache really can make you seem like a different person. It can make us wonder if we’re dating the same person or if you have an evil twin who is bent on getting this universe into the darkest timeline.
10. Villains wear mustaches. Snidely Whiplash, Dr. Robotnik, Captain Hook, Vlad the Impaler, Dr. X, Jafar, Bowler Hat Guy, Dr. Wily, Leonard Steakcharmer, and Odlaw.
11. Knowing different names of mustaches is not attractive; it leaves us concerned. Why are you spending so much time learning about mustaches? Is there a universe hidden somewhere with people who use mustaches as ID badges?
12. A little stubble is attractive and not so offensive, but a mustache is generally not your best friend, he’s your goofball sidekick. It’s difficult to have a serious conversation with you and a twirled-up piece of hair.
13. Your mustache is whatever you want it to be, but it makes us wonder what kind of signal you are trying to give us and why you would let it compromise your smile. Do you really want the first thing people notice about you to be your mustache?
14. So what if you look younger with your face shaved? Clean-shaven works, especially if you take care of your skin. Also, beards will always be in, as long as you don’t grow your beard to the size of a formidable wig.
15. We sometimes name your mustache. Bob, Larry, Kyle, Davy… your mustache starts to form its own personality.
16. It’s distracting in weird ways and becomes too much of a conversation piece. Like, I wonder how many things I can hang on your mustache before it folds to the weight.
17. Theodore Roosevelt had an excellent mustache, and it fit for his time, but that’s partly because Theodore is the closest human being we have had to a demi-god, so he could get away with certain fashions that you and I never will. None of us will ever be Teddy Roosevelt. And that’s okay.
18. Sweaty mustaches are almost as bad as a sweaty unibrow. Sweat helps in the production of acne and bacteria. It can also smell bad.
19. What do you really want us to focus on? Your dreamy eyes and manly jawline, or your nose boogers caught in the feathery nest between your upper lip and nose?
20. If this makes you look more like your father, you’re just being cruel. She wants to date you, not your father, and not her father.
21. Mustaches are often synonymous with hipsters. Some hipsters are cool, some seem like they can’t get a job and want to talk about things that have no relevance.
22. A mustache doesn’t make the man, the man makes the man by his actions. Perhaps not the best way to say that, but the mustache sometimes seems like a security blanket for the ego.
23. A mustache may age you too much. If you’re a teen or in your 20s, a Sherlock Holmes-style mustache might look antiquated.
24. Some of you have odd-colored hair, and odd-colored mustaches look strange. If you’re one of those people that grows blonde hair on your head, brown hair in your armpits, red hair for your arms, and blue hair for your mustache… maybe shave it back some.
25. You’re not selling fried chicken. Colonel Sanders is an enigma and saint in some parts of the world. If you’re not selling fried chicken but donning the attire of the Colonel, perhaps you have gone too far with your fantasies.
26. Women can grow mustaches too, so it’s not envy. We’re less open to peach fuzz and condemn it from our faces.
27. You might not care, but would it annoy you if she didn’t shave her legs? Or if she cut her hair drastically short? Would you feel like you were dating a boy? Some people get bothered by that stuff while others could care less.
28. Mustaches don’t unite, they confuse. You’re definitely saying something with your mustache — but what?
29. I’m sorry… I can’t hear a word you’re saying… your mustache is so loud that I forgot my own name. You’re not Tom Selleck, so dial it down a notch.
30. Sometimes… it looks like the worst kind of hair was found and glued to your face. Be honest — does your mustache look gross?
31. Invest in a better razor and quit being so cheap. Yes, sometimes a mustache makes a person look homely.
32. Mustache fetishes are funny, but seriously, what? That’s an area MOST people don’t want to get into.
33. Your mustache is like the whiskers of a dog or cat. Are you perhaps an anthropomorphic walrus?
34. Work more on your muscles than your facial hair growth. Women are more impressed with fitness than facial hair.
35. Focus more on general skincare. You could look so much better with moisturizer and fewer pimples.
36. Stop putting all your manhood into a mustache. Men are not defined by the facial hair they grow.
37. A man who is too attached to his facial hair is not a man at all. He is a mustache that has grown a man.
38. Rock one if you please. Do it once in your lifetime. Don’t expect a crowd of adoring fans to follow you.
39. This should never be worn by a high schooler. This looks bad, it gives off weird vibes, and it makes you look like the drug dealer of your school.
40. You’re beautiful. You don’t need the hair strip under the nose to impress others. Never let a mustache control your identity. Go watch the French movie La Moustache, circa 2005.
41. I’d rather you have a mustache than get plastic surgery. Don’t obsess over your face to the point that you develop a mental disorder.
42. If you get a transplant for facial hair… you are poor with your money. There are other things you can do with money.
And in case you need a pick me up, here are some Disney princesses rocking beards.
Use your powers of mustache wisely. Misusing your powers could send the wrong message to your sweetheart, friends, co-workers, etc. Don’t let the mustache get in the way of having an extraordinary social life. Don't spend all your time on this planet with other mustache enthusiasts.
Mustaches are often used for comedic purposes, though sometimes they find their way onto the faces of dictators from Joseph Stalin, Adolf Hitler, to Saddam Hussein.
Be selective about when you don your mustache; don’t let it control you. Take your mustache out for walks, so it can get plenty of sunshine and spring air. Let your neighbors tell you whether they approve or disapprove of your patch of growing hair follicles.
© 2013 Andrea Lawrence