Centfie writes empirical views based on observation, experience, and research.
Do you want to sustain your relationship for a long time? Then, make trust a priority. Trust is the glue of relationships because without it you are wasting each others time and affections. Without trust, your relationship will not stick.
You may not trust your partner because of valid reasons. However, sometimes you may have doubts about your partner when there is nothing to be worried about.
Maybe due to your own insecurities, past experiences, or you are projecting your untrustworthiness on your partner because of the guilt you feel for betraying them.
Trust Goes Both Ways
How much do you trust your spouse? Without trust, love can't stand firm. The trust to survive, has to go both ways. When one side is trustworthy and trusts their spouse, yet the trust is unrequited, it is painful and disappointing. It creates a condition that encourages the failure of the relationship.
So, before you bombard your partner with your insecurities asks yourself these questions:
Is there a clear reason why I don't trust them or are my doubts based on assumptions?
Am I feeling guilty for betraying my partner?
What if I am wrong?
Has this happened before between us?
Did I catch them red-handed in an act of betrayal? (Is there undeniable evidence?)
You have to be sure otherwise you might lose a chance with a trustworthy person because of your insecurities.
For instance, you confide in your partner about something that makes you feel vulnerable. Later you realize it is public knowledge. Or they send you a text message that clearly is not yours because you were not with him yesterday night.
Your trust issues should not stem from feeling insecure because of assumptions that you have not proven.
Also, you should not judge your partner because you had a bad betrayal history in the past. It is immature to be untrustworthy and try to make your partner seem like the bad one.
If you are going to accuse your spouse of doing something that betrays your trust, be sure or your assumptions will be the death of an otherwise successful relationship.
If you have trusted your lover for a while, but they give you a solid reason not to then you can respectfully choose what to do. There are several things, try to regain trust, continue being together without trust, or quit the relationship.
living in a state of perpetual lack of trust isn't good. You can never get peace of mind like that. How will you ever be happy?
A Brief Case Study
I planned to meet with him in town at 3 p.m. I arrived in town at 2.54 p.m and when I called him; he said he was around 10 minutes away. So, I scouted for a fluorescent bulb to replace the spoilt one in my living room at a supermarket nearby.
I put my phone in my handbag and headed for the hardware section where they sold the item I needed. I found what I was looking for, but a completely expensive set.
So, I headed for the TV section to pass the time. Music boomed from sound systems in the nearby pew. After admiring the TV’s I walked to the furniture section. I took out my phone to ask him if he had arrived. The screen displayed the words “two missed calls.”
I called him immediately and apologized for missing his calls since it was in my handbag and I didn’t hear it ring. He said he had arrived in town and wanted to know where exactly we should meet.
I told him where I was, but asked to meet him at the next supermarket nearby since I had found the fluorescent bulb. But it was expensive since they sold the entire package, including the installation system. I needed the white tube only.
As I was leaving I spotted the books section, and being the book lover I was, I went to look at them. I checked a few books and headed out of the supermarket toward the other one.
When I reached for my phone, I found the three missed calls from him again. I was already at the supermarket so I looked around the entrance but did not see him. I don’t like to remove my phone on the streets so; I walked into the supermarket and called him.
He said he was outside. I told him I was already inside and at the fluorescent bulb section upstairs. So we met. He complained about why I entered the supermarket without looking for him outside.
Was I seeing someone else? And why was constantly chatting with someone on my phone? I informed him I was asking the caretaker of our flats where I could get fluorescent tubes of the size of that house since, in this supermarket, I had found the tube, but not the size required.
I realized I was dating someone with low emotional maturity. If he couldn’t trust my explanation and apologies. It frustrated me when I didn’t find the fluorescent tube, and I explained to him my plight throughout. But since I didn’t pick up my phone, so he concluded I was cheating on him.
He held that on me for the next three weeks. I even gave him my phone without the password and let him walk around with it so he could check on my call and SMS history and see if he wanted to.
The disappointment of being faithful and refusing the advances of other men for someone, yet he cannot trust me was weighing on me. I told him if I met another man, I would leave him, not cheat on him. I was a single mother with a baby to think of; I had no time to cheat, even if I wanted to. And if I was planning to be with someone, why would I have a date at a supermarket?
At first, I tried to prove my point, but I was wasting my energy. He had formed his idea of who I was, made his judgements based on lies and believed in them. What was I to do? He insisted he was right. He didn’t believe a word I told him.
I tried to point it out to him later when he was constantly on his phone while I was talking. Should I say he was cheating too? He said he was talking to his sister. I said I trusted him.
I trusted him, but he didn’t trust me. It was a frustrating relationship.
I later realized he was projecting his cheating on me. He was the one cheating and was trying to leave me by making it seem like it was my fault. I regretted all the decent guys I had rejected because of him.
The impact of the betrayal was too much for me, especially since he had tried to paint himself as the victim by forcing circumstances on me. I learned that his lack of trust in me was a sign that I should not trust him. I am glad I dodged that trap before tying the knot in marriage. I couldn’t have lived with that kind of one-sided trust.
Indeed, trust is the glue of relationships. Without trust, love dies. Also, it promotes a negative attitude toward each other. And having a negative perception of your partner weakens your relationship.
However, don't be so quick to accuse your partner of betrayal. You might lose a good person simply because you lacked trust in them. But when you see a valid reason to suspect betrayal, you are free to do what is in your best interests.
You may choose to forgive or ignore their behaviour. You may choose to let go of the relationship if it gives you peace to do so. Perhaps you may realize your role in creating trust issues in the relationship and rectify.
Honest communication, listening to your partner, and believing in them will sustain your relationship. A lack of trust will not. Both of you or one of you will be miserable throughout.
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
© 2021 Centfie