Michael is a self-taught expert in human behavior. He enjoys writing and sharing his insights on the human condition.
Why Nice Guys Get Rejected
I would like to preface this article by stating that not all nice men finish last, but one would be justified in saying the majority of men do. When it comes to understanding women, knowledge is power, just a bit of information can go a long way.
Especially when you're approaching or meeting a woman for the first time, it could be a list of small things that will diminish your chances to build attraction and chemistry. Understanding why "nice" is not an effective tool when first meeting a woman is step one.
Why Nice Guys Stay Single
I have a lot of male friends that tell me "There's this girl I like, she's perfect for me, but we're just friends. She and I are great friends. But she says she's not attracted to me". Have you ever wondered why?
- Generally, the most attractive and worthwhile women seem to be drawn to men who don't treat them very well at all?
- That when you do your best to please a girl and try to make her happy, she seems even more put off?
You must wonder from time to time, "what in the world is happening here"? Yes, your Mother did tell you to treat a woman well, but men have to realize that times and customs change, and so do taste and preferences. Kindness doesn't work in most cases with attractive women, cause plain and simple they've had attention all their lives.
They've had a stampede of approval seeking men their entire lives. When you get lavished with kindness and attention your whole life, it will inevitably become less valuable to you. For example, you've eaten oranges your entire life, never did a day go by when you were deprived of an orange. Would you go out of your way to seek out more oranges? No, you'd be sick of them.
Attractive women in this modern age do not respond to basic and obvious acts/intent of kindness. They're not attracted to it, and I personally would not blame them. Only when you change your understanding of what women want, and why they want it, can you change your own behavior to catch up to the evolution of women.
It won't be easy to change your behavior, it's only human to get into a habit and build a routine physically and mentally. But we are very capable of individual change, where there's a will, you'll find a way.
In the Friend Zone Much?
Why are Guys Nice to Attractive Women
When a woman is attracted to a man, really attracted I mean, minus the variables of height, good looks, money, or being born Brad Pitt..they aren't in control. Think about it, when you're in love, did you really make any deep logical decisions to do so? Did you weigh the pros and cons? Of course not, and women too, fall for men with little control over it.
By virtue of that fact, they are on the same playing field as far as attraction preference goes. Keep in mind we're talking about romantic attraction, a genuine interest in the person. Regardless of the physical, there's a better chance of making a woman feel attraction towards you, simply by developing a better personality.
What we're not including is the crowd that wants to date a pretty face and has no genuine interest or care. Women make their decision about us within the first 5 minutes of a meeting, sometimes even less.This is one of those times, first impressions are paramount. An attractive looking gal has had droves of interested men to spar with--you have to be different to stand out.
They know the games and they know the routines, they've been to the puppet show, and they've seen the strings. That being said, when you first make contact with a girl, you have to make an impression, one thing to shoot for is, be different, be charming in an original way. Remember that women aren't in control of who they will become attracted to, you can sway her in the right direction, with the right social tools.
Why Women Reject Nice Guys
It's really not all that difficult, although if you're overly shy, awkward, or socially inept in some way, you might want to address that, before thinking about interacting with women successfully.
Sorry If I'm blunt, but I do not believe in sugar coating things. However, if you're a normal guy, I truly believe you can tweak your behavior just a bit and it will make all the difference in the world. A good rule of thumb is, treat them like a person, not just a vessel you can procreate with.
But do not be overly nice, they've been spoiled by nice. I'm in no way telling you to be mean, cruel or disrespectful in any way. Women want to know that a guy can be different, can be original, is not carbon copy responder she's always experienced. The easiest way to be charming is to use observational humor. Something comical about the day, environment, anything going around in your immediate surroundings.
Nothing vulgar, just humor that anyone can laugh about and appreciate. The only way to get better at interacting with women is to practice. Learning to be successful with women takes work, and be committed enough to put in the effort to improve. I guarantee you, be original, make them laugh and feel comfortable in your presence, and you'll have a better chance at steering clear of the dreaded "friend zone".
How Nice Guys can Finish First
1. Have more Confidence around Women
Confidence is an effortless attitude, and it’s a personal choice one can make. If you experience problems with self-confidence, there's plenty you can do to boost it. The key is to focus on your inner strengths.
Write down your best attributes and the things you good at, to help better visualize what a unique and worthwhile individual you are. Something as a change in wardrobe or even a new haircut will help build your confidence.
2. Be More Assertive with Women
Learn to speak up a little more, be outgoing when it comes to contributing to conversations with friends, family, and in other social settings. Practice makes perfect. Surround yourself with positive people that listen to your opinions and reaffirm that your input counts.
Nice guys are usually very timid about voicing their opinion. This isn't the movies, this real life, you have to learn to stand up and speak for yourself, or women will not notice you. Also, try not to be so apologetic so often, women read that as a sign of weakness.
3. Maintain Composure around Women
Women want men that are in control, men that are in control of themselves and their emotions. Learn to maintain your composure, don't be so quick to express sadness or anger.
Display that you have your emotions in check, and you'll appear to be more in control of yourself. Don't argue with a woman, always calmly express your opinions in a well thought out discussion. Women find calm logical men that control their temper very endearing.
4. Be Respectful with Women
Respecting a woman's space is paramount in showing her you're not clingy or desperate. There aren't many things more off putting to a woman, than a man reeking of desperation.
Learn to lean back a little more, give her the proper amount of time to feel comfortable around you. A woman is attracted to a man that has his own life. Personally, I know I'm more attracted to women that have their own things going on.
5. Don't Seek a Woman's Approval
Women aren't enamored by men who constantly need or seek their approval. Women prefer to be with men that are leaders and are naturally assertive in their actions and opinions. It's okay to agree with a woman, but don't agree with her out of attraction for her.
Most women can sniff out a man that is being less than genuine, even if said man was just trying to be nice. Women hate nice guys that are insecure and continually seek approval. If you found this article useful, please feel free to share it with your friend or social network.
GoodMenFailWithWomen on April 29, 2016:
The real reason why Good men like us fail with women is because many of the women of today that now have their Careers are so very high maintenance, independent, selfish, spoiled, greedy, picky, and so very money hungry too which really explains why now that many women today do want the Best and will Never settle for Less at all. They will Never at all go with many Good men like us that make Less money than they do which is a real shame since so many of these type of women really think that they are God's gift to men but their really Not at all. Usually these women go with men with a lot of money Unfortunately since Most of these women have such a very bad Attitude Problem to begin with since it is all about them. Quite a Change in the women of today compared to the Good old fashioned women of years ago that had to really Struggle along with their men to make ends meat since Both men and women in those days hardly had any money at all since they were living with their parents at that time. Our family members were very Fortunate finding Love with one another since it was a lot Easier for them in those days even though they had to work very hard as well but Accepted one another for who they were which they really had no choice when today Most women are completely different and so very Spoiled and Greedy as well. So for us men out there looking for Love today is a real Challenge for us as you can see Unfortunately. It is just too bad for many of us men that we Weren't Born many years back then since it would've made such a big Difference in our life which many of us by now Definitely would've been married with our own Good Wife And Family that many of us still Don't have today. So i really have to Blame the type of women that are out there now for our Singleness it it really does take two to tangle.
dashingscorpio from Chicago on April 19, 2016:
Any guy who is in the "friend zone" most likely lacked the courage to make his intentions known early on. It's also possible he bought into the theory of "becoming friends first".
The reality is women are aware there is no such thing as being "exclusive friends". Therefore if they are "into you" they're not going to risk leaving you on the "open market" for very long.
So call "bad boys" are confident and even borderline arrogant in some instances. They don't hesitate to use humor, sexual innuendo, or initiate touching or kissing. They've mastered the art of flirting.
A "bad boy" would rather have a "fast rejection" than to be hanging around hoping "one day she will recognize" he is what they want.
If a woman tells a guy all they can be is "friends" and he is actually romantically interested in her then he should save himself some time and potential torture by walking away from her completely.
Any friend who has a "hidden agenda" of becoming something more in the future is not a true friend anyway. Be honest with her and yourself!
Anonymous on April 09, 2016:
You can do all of these things and still go dateless. I would recommend gender neutral behavior. Treat everyone equally with civility and respect Assume that women are NOT interested in you. You won't be disappointed and you won't be tagged as a Nice Guy since you won't be approaching. Remember the odds are she is not attracted to you (the 80/20 rule) so you have no reason to interact with her at all. If she is interested she will let you know but assume that she isn't and you will be fine.
Mickey on March 28, 2015:
Yeah, sure. Where is it written that "nice" automatically means "gutless?"
Besides, most women consider men to be worthless, anyway. So, this whole thing about "niceness" is just one more smokescreen to justify women not giving guys the time of day.
prince bethel from Africa on November 13, 2014:
This is a revealed truth. Nice guys miss out most of the times. I know a guy who feels nervous when he sees the girl he loves coming from afar. Despite the fact he has revealed his intentions and feelings to her, but every time he sets his eyes on her on a new day, she looks so new and beautiful again and again, and he suddenly becomes nervous, not knowing what to say to her at that moment, but he has real and true love for her. Ready to do anything to make her happy. But this is his weak point-nervousness. His voice can hardly be heard when this happens. And it seems that she's not finding that interesting, though she understands the nature of his feelings, but its just a part of him that needs attention.....
Michael Kismet (author) from Northern California on August 01, 2014:
Hi Victoria, so why don't you tell us what you REALLY think about all this? =) I'm just being humorous of course. Thank you for your insights on the matter, maybe you should considering writing a hub on this topic as well..
I would absolutely love to read one written by you. This article was written quite a while ago and I've been meaning to update it, when I find a sufficient amount of time to do so.
Thank you again for your passionate input, I will take everything you have shared into consideration if I ever get around to updating this hub..
ToriM from Atlanta on August 01, 2014:
I agree with a lot of what you said - especially with respect to giving women space and treating them like a person and not a vessel you can procreate with. THAT was a star comment! However, I do want to say a few things as a woman with experience on this.
I agree with fpherj48 in that we shouldn't paint women or men with the "all" brush and sweeping generalizations. Not all women are attracted to "bad boys" just because they are bad, and not all women don't appreciate kindness. It doesn't matter who you are or what you are doing - kindness is required at all time. You can be kind at the same time you are being confident and outgoing - two things you mentioned are important, which they are. For example, don't give a woman a backhanded compliment ("Oh, I didn't think you would be the type of person who is interested in (insert topic here) because you're so pretty" etc - and yes I have been told that before) because of a misguided perception that women don't like to be shown kindness since they've supposedly been showered with kindness in the past. I would like to be seen as more than a pretty face, and when I was on the dating scene many guys did not give me that chance.
In addition, I believe the reason women aren't responding to men in the way you would like them to is because they are thinking about their safety. Women are constantly having to protect themselves from situations that could put them in an assault or harassment situation, because the "attention" they are receiving throughout their life is not necessarily wanted.
What I mean is, and I'm speaking from experience: YOU may know you're a nice guy, and that you have good intentions - but if you are just introducing yourself to her for the first time, SHE doesn't know that you're a nice guy. To her, you're just another guy who is approaching her and making whatever comments, and based on past experiences with forceful men that she did not choose herself, she treats everyone like a threat. She is sizing you up and determining if she is safe, or whether she needs to have an escape route.
The key to getting in with a good woman is patience, kindness, and the good kind of persistence. Don't bother her if she doesn't want to be bothered. And also remember that if a woman doesn't want to be with you, she doesn't want to be with you - and she has no obligation to date you just because you like her, so being "friendzoned" should not be something you want to draw sympathy from others for.
Another good tip if you're approaching a woman for the first time and introducing yourself, don't talk about her looks. All men do that - and while compliments on physical appearance are nice occasionally, women want to be seen as a human with a brain too. Instead, introduce yourself and talk to her about something other than her looks. For me, that makes me see a guy as less of a predator and more of a person that I can potentially trust.
Other than that - this was a good article, and thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Michael Kismet (author) from Northern California on July 29, 2014:
To be perfectly honest, I wrote this quite awhile ago, when I was young and capricious. I've been meaning to do an entire overhaul of the article, haven't had the sufficient time to do so, but thank you for your distinguished input, Paula!
Suzie from Carson City on July 29, 2014:
Hello Michael and "Welcome to Hubpages." I see you've been with us for just 4 weeks. It's obvious you have enthusiasm, from the number of hubs you've published already. Good for you! It's also good for us. Meeting new talent is just what Hubbers like.
I enjoyed this Hub....you have a healthy attitude about the "boy meets girl" thing......at the very least, I applaud the time and effort you've given to focusing on the Why and How to.
Just one thing from an experienced & wise older woman.....Not ALL nice guys fail or finish last with ALL women.
The biggest mistake men make when trying to understand women is the same huge mistake women make when trying to understand men....
We simply shouldn't paint ALL the opposite sex with the same brush. While this may sound like a simple thing we all should know......the truth is, we fall into that trap and we do .....DO it.
However, speaking in general as I'm guessing you are doing here....you're pretty accurate. This tells me you pay attention....and take it from me, guys who pay attention are in demand at all times by 96% of the female population. Why? Because by sheer nature, men just don't seem to find it necessary to pay attention! LOL
Great hub, Michael......Up +++ shared, pinned & tweeted