Why Are Men Romantic at First and Then Change
This hub hopes to address what many women think, but most times don’t say. Are you surprised that your husband changed after marriage? Have you found yourself asking, “What happened to that romantic guy I dated?” Are you perplexed if someone kidnapped the sexually attentive, financially solvent man you fell in love with and replaced him with a different man? Many women have had men pursue them, only to become less romantic after marriage. Romance has only lasted through the initial crush of the relationship. After that your husband has started taking you for granted. Every woman knows what it feels like to be taken for granted. when we date we don’t share real life, and so you truly don’t know what this person is really like. It could be that this guy hasn’t changed at all–it’s just that you never really knew him well. Romance dies, that’s a fact. It often happens when both of you settle into a daily routine of financial, household, and child-rearing responsibilities, forgetting you are a couple. However, it does not have to be this way. So why do men become less romantic after marriage? There are many relationships where romance is alive and well.
Nonchalant attitude after marriage
Men love to win. When a man meets a woman he loves, time and money, are no limiting factor, he throws vast amounts of energy and creativity into the pursuit. Some men believe that if he hopes get a woman down the aisle, he must always charm, always seduce, always pursue. He buys her sentimental gifts and exotic perfume, fills her mailbox with cards declaring his love, writes poems, delivers flowers, plans romantic dinners in elegant restaurants, takes long walks on sandy beaches, enjoys leisurely drives on country roads, and loiters in front of glittering jewelry store windows looking for benefitting gifts. The weekends are wall-to-wall recreation and romance: dinners, movies, plays, and parties. She feels loved, safe, treasured and wanted. She begins to trust him. And now — the offer of a diamond engagement ring. She believes it will keep getting better and better and that marriage will open the door to a future of unimagined joy. He lets nothing stand in the way of winning the woman of his dreams. She becomes his top priority, and he will not rest until she is his. He showers her with attention, affection, and appreciation. He rearranges his busy schedule to spend every possible minute with her. He compliments her warmly. He sings her praises to friends and family. He talks about her constantly. In some cases, after marriage all these romantic gestures disappear. It is this attitude that often makes men better boyfriends than husbands. But marriage is not supposed to be the end of a romantic journey. Marriage may change the dynamics of a relationship, but it shouldn’t alter romantic relationship.
Most couples enter married life without having told each other everything about themselves. Too often when men you date don’t share real life, and so you truly don’t know what your boyfriend is really like. Myles Munroe wrote, “The period of courtship and engagement is very valuable. Too often, however, the man and woman will focus all their attention on always being on their best behavior for the other, careful to reveal only their good side. Out of fear of jeopardizing the budding relationship they will tiptoe around problems and avoid any mention of annoying habits or idiosyncrasies they may observe in each other. Unless they learn to be honest with each other at this stage of their relationship, they are in for a rude awakening later when, after they get married, these things inevitably come to light. It could be that this guy hasn’t changed at all–it’s just that you never really knew him. And what worries me is that many women get married without really knowing the man they are marrying. Going out on dates tells you almost nothing about what that man will be like once you’re married. What you need to know is their habits, emotional stability and integrity.
Some men let their careers get in the way of romance. Most young adult males focus on their need for significance. They're interested in making their way in the world and having an impact. This is not to say they don't love their wives, but their priority is typically focused on building a career. They are too preoccupied with climbing the corporate ladder to pay attention to their wives believing that now that they are married, it’s time to move on to another objective. So without giving one thought to how this is going to affect his wife, he calmly rearranges his priorities, reapportions his energies, and launches out on his career development. Most men don’t intend to hurt their wives. If questioned about his love for his wife, he would deny that it has weakened in the least. He loves her as much as he did the day he married her.
There are many ways that romance gets put on the back burner in a marriage; rearing kids is one. Some men get overwhelmed by parenting. They get so caught up in child-rearing responsibilities that they forget they’re husbands to their wives first, parents second. In attempting to give their best to their children they fail to give required attention to their wives. But his wife wants him to still portray those qualities that made her feel she was the only woman in the world.
Different ideas of what married life is all about
The simple fact is that men and women are different, and for good reason. They tend to have different opinions of what to expect in marriage but they are both interested in intimacy. A wife would be of the opinion that she would eat dinner together every night, and do stuff together with her husband, but maybe he didn’t share those ideas. Maybe he thought he’d just continue to have fun with friends and later return to his wife. Most of us didn’t really know about marriage before we got married. Realize that your partner is human, no matter how perfect he seemed in the beginning. He is going to do things that bug or disappoint you. Try to have, as much compassion for and acceptance of your husband’s personality flaws. How you want to be treated should be discussed to prevent you being taken for granted. His imperfections are not an indication of lack of love for you.
Having different love language
Let him know what your love language is. He tends to like to give love in the same way he likes to receive love, but you probably want to spend time with him to show him that you love him, and you are not able to. His love language may be words of affirmation or service or physical touch. You’re really upset because he’s not meeting your genuine needs for connection, and that could be really frustrating. Communication is vital. Communicate when you feel hurt or disappointed and you want something to change. Talk about how you want to be treated. Being romantic simply means appreciating and celebrating your partner.
If romance dies, one or both people in the relationship will begin to feel unappreciated. Young adult women tend to focus mostly on their need for connection. When you want more affection and romance in a relationship, it’s natural to feel the urge to ask for it or show more of it in the hope that your efforts will be reciprocated. If we can actually talk about your expectations, then he can start to understand you better and figure out how to adjust. But if you never talk about your expectations, you tend to make a lot of assumptions–including assuming that your husband doesn’t really love you the way you love him. I’ve noticed that those who have successful, productive, sustaining, long-lasting and nurturing relationships communicate their expectations instead of accusing their husbands of making them feel abandoned.
Farrah Young from Lagos, Nigeria on September 18, 2020:
Anthony Modungwo (author) from Benin on September 18, 2020:
Farrah Young from Lagos, Nigeria on September 17, 2020:
This post hits the nail on the head. So true.
Anthony Modungwo (author) from Benin on July 12, 2016:
dashingscorpio thanks for adding your comment. I agree with you absolutely. After we get what we have been seeking with a lot of effort we end taking the person/thing for granted. But for marriage, it will be in the interest of both parties that the romance is sustained.
dashingscorpio from Chicago on July 12, 2016:
All of these are excellent points!
In the U.S. oftentimes men aren't necessarily the ones pushing to get married in the first place. Oftentimes women use "ultimatums" or drop serious "hints" that they want to get married. A lot of guys are content with simply dating or living together.
Therefore if a guy proposes to a woman only after she threatens to leave him he is not likely to be that great of a husband. In other instances people get married due to an unplanned pregnancy, all of their friends were married, or some other reason aside from "being in love".
Both genders tend to be guilty of "relaxing" once a commitment is sealed. A woman may have refused to be seen without makeup or she gladly prepared meals whenever her boyfriend came by to visit.
Now when he asks her to cook something she says:
"You got two hands fix it yourself! I worked all day just like you!" LOL!
Not only do people "change" after a relationship is "cemented" they do this with all NEW things. A person gets a brand new car and the first thing they tell people is: "No eating, drinking, or smoking in my car!" They get it washed & waxed every weekend and detailed every 6 months.
Three years later there is an inch of dirt on the body and the inside looks like a grenade went off.
An unemployed person finally gets a job. During the 90 day probation period they showed up to work on time and never called in sick. A year later one day he/she strolls in 20 minutes late and when a co-worker teases them about it he/she says: "They're LUCKY I showed up!"
We treat "the new" better than "the tried and true".
Taking people and things for granted after having them for a while seems to be the norm. Putting in the same effort as one did from the beginning tends to be the exception. Most view commitment as a time to RELAX.
It requires a (conscious effort) to maintain the same level of intensity.
That's even without all of the other things you mentioned in your article.