Kerrian is a professional relationship expert and analyst. She loves to write on her observations and research concerning relationships
Whenever you are getting into a new relationship, it is not unusual for couples to want to put their best foot forward. However, when you are just getting to know someone and the relationship training wheel is still on, you need to know when the best time to share personal and intimate information is.
Sharing too much about your personal life and relationship history could scare potential partners away, thinking you have too much baggage. This is not to say that you should not be honest, but there is some personal information that should be kept until you both go deep enough into the relationship for very personal revelations. That is why you should reel out relevant details as the relationship grows instead of dumping it all at once. To guide you in doing this, here are some crucial tips;
1. Give Yourself a Boundary
This doesn’t have to be a vocal boundary; it’s something that you give yourself and stick to, so you can protect yourself while going into a relationship. Set and maintain healthy, physical, emotional, informational, and sexual boundaries at the start of a relationship. Although, these should not be rigid impenetrable boundaries but just protections and security for your privacy while you get to know each other.
Then, as you get to know each other more, you can then bring down your boundaries enough for a more intimate relationship, although you should still keep a balance.
2. Keep the First Few Dates, Light.
From the first, up to the third dates, it would be wise to steer clear of topics that tend to rile up emotions and opinions such as past relationships, religion, and politics. Also, do not quiz and interrogate your date on their job, or career path, so much that it looks like you are trying to make the connection for financial reasons rather than genuine love reasons.
Keep the first date discussions light, talk about interests, hobbies, movies, music, travels. Smile, joke, laugh, flirt, and have fun.
3. Maintain a Balance between sharing and oversharing
Do not be too closed off or overshare either. Keep a reasonable balance and try to read the non-verbal communications and body language of your potential partner. Looking away, glancing at the watch or phone, shifting in their chair, not looking you in the eye, etc. to see if maybe you should stop talking so much or stop asking too many questions.
4. Do not monopolize the Discussion.
Do not take and keep control of every discussion. Allow mutual sharing, so it doesn't become a one-way conversation. A lot of people complain about going on dates where their date didn't even ask them a single question about themselves but just kept going on and on about themselves.
It shouldn't be that way, balance everything out by asking the other person questions about themselves, listening, and expressing interest
5. When to share information
Pace it, do not overburden your potential partner by prematurely sharing too much information about your life and overwhelming them. To open up about yourself, you should gauge the closeness, boundaries, and emotional security in the relationship. Wait for an appropriate time, which should not be too far into the relationship that they feel like you lied by omission and not too soon either that they think you have too much baggage.
This information includes personal details concerning finances, medical condition, family issues, mental health, traumas, likely relationship timeline-like moving in together, getting engaged and married, etc. As a rule, the revelations should not be on the first, second or third dates but should be kept until maybe the fourth to sixth dates when you are sure that you want to keep seeing this person, or you decide to become quite intimate or wish to discuss these topics exclusively.
Before deciding to start sharing personal information with a partner, make sure that you feel secure and you are both ready to go the long haul with the relationship and build a family together. Knowing a reasonable timeline on when to reveal personal details saves you from having to worry about your security if it turns out that you do not want to be with that person after baring your life to them.
It is vital that you feel safe, secure, and happy with your partner before opening up the intimate parts of your life. Although it is crucial for connection's sake to share information about your personal experience with a potential partner, however, it can become problematic if the person later proves to be untrustworthy.
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
© 2020 Kerrian McMahon
dashingscorpio from Chicago on May 15, 2020:
Very sound advice!
I mentioned most of these in my book.
Online Dating Avoid The Catfish! How to Date Online Successfully.
I also agree with you that one shouldn't be dishonest.
You're better off saying: "At this stage of our getting to know one another I don't feel comfortable talking about that right now."
If the other person doesn't respect your boundaries they're not "the one" for you. Go at (your) own pace.
Everyone has their own mate selection/screening process.
One other reason why you shouldn't give out too much personal information early on is for (safety reasons).
In fact the first few dates its probably best to make them daytime activities where both parties meet at the designated location.
It's not necessary to know where each other lives right away.
If someone believes you're worth the effort they'll make the effort. In a world with over 7 Billion people rejection just means: Next!