Technology Manager, Poet, History Maniac. Also, a prolific writer on varied topics
For a long time, our near-perfect relationship of 10 years was on shaky ground.
And when I say ‘near perfect ‘, I am not exaggerating even a bit. That we are perfectly made for each other would be an understatement. We share the same temperament, the same thoughts, and even the same attitude towards handling the vagaries of life.
We are true soul mates, psychologically and mentally and our perfect relationship is the constant source of envy (yes, even now after 10 years) and admiration for both friends and frenemies alike.
However, internally we knew something was grossly wrong and both of us knew the real reason. Nevertheless, we continued the charade simply because we found it too absurd (or shall I say embarrassing) even to talk about it to each other.
The reason was bad sex that occurred every time we tumbled into the bed. There were no explosions of unbridled passion, no mind-blowing climax, not even the familiar surge of oxytocin as the promise of wild, combustible sex petered into a damp squib every time we attempted.
The sex was bad, damn bad, and it was breaking and cracking our much-envied rock-solid relationship.
That said, you might argue here,” Hey, sex is not everything.”
Sure, sex is not everything but it still has a huge impact on any relationship. You may love each other. You may be compatible with each other in every way but if the sex is falling short, it needs to be addressed, as knowingly or unknowingly, it would become the key reason for breakups, heartburns, or even frustration someday. As Caroline Kent, a sexpert tells us.
“Bad sex doesn’t really reflect on the person you slept with, depending on their attitude towards it. If they pounded away, focused on their own satisfaction with no regard for your enjoyment? That is inexcusable. It is immature and you deserve better. Enthusiastic yet clumsy? That’s something you can work with if you like them enough to invest the time in it.”
And it is not that difficult to address bad sex issues. All that is required is a candid, no-holds-barred conversation between you and your better half. The idea is to put all the issues on the table and identify the root cause of the discomfort. Once you do that, you can modify your sex life to work around the constraints.
Remember sex in the real life is nothing like what they show in movies; a quick passionate embrace ending in an earth-shattering climax that leaves both partners panting for more. No, real life is far more mundane and both partners need to invest time, energy, and empathy for each other to make things work. I am afraid; there are no shortcuts in real life.
And here are some ways that can help you to fix this delicate problem without offending your partner.
The issue might lie beyond sex
Talk to your partner and find out what is preying on his/her mind that is affecting the performance. Often the reason for bad sex might be completely different and unanticipated. For example.
Is she having some work trouble in the office?
Is her ex troubling her online?
Is she uncomfortable with the place or is it triggering some bad memories that are impeding her from enjoying sex?
So before you even talk about sex, you need to talk and eliminate all these ‘teething’ issues in your relationship that have the potential to derail your relationship completely however good it can be.
If you value the relationship and are willing to put that extra bit of effort to make yourself compatible with her ‘hidden’ feelings and mental state, the same will surely be reflected in the bed also. Yes, it will not be all bursts of sunshine and rainbows to start with, but improvements would happen definitely. Give it time.
Focus on the positives
The positive point is that no sex is 100% bad. There will be something in it that was good and appreciable and you need to focus and propagate the good so that he/she does not get demotivated or even frightened about it.
For example, it can be simple words of encouragement.
“I love what you do to my hair with your fingers.”
“I loved that gentle massage of my back.”
“I love the coolness of your fingertips brushing against my hair”
Even a single word “Don’t stop” can go a long way into energizing her in action.
And so on…
Be innovative and adventurous by suggesting new things to spice things up. Maybe she is just sexually inexperienced or has some sexual taboos ingrained within her, since childhood that need to be dispelled. On the other hand, it can be a classic case of sexual expectation mismatch between the partners. The idea is to discuss, experiment, and enjoy together. Make your sexual experience an exciting treasure hunt every single day.
The key is to be patient. Getting good at sex takes experience and sometimes a bit of chutzpah from both partners to make it work.
Lastly, take control in the bedroom
In Chinese culture, the principle of Yin and Yang states that all things exist as inseparable and contradictory opposites, for example, female-male, dark-light, and old-young, and so on.
And the same principle applies to sex where one partner is the leader and the other the follower. Therefore, if she prefers a hands-off approach in the bedroom, you need to take a hands-on approach to counteract it. Switch up sex positions to ensure that you're the one controlling all the movements, then use positive affirmations to emphasize how much you love what is been done.
For example, if she is not comfortable giving you a blowjob or doing it clumsily, take control and tell her “I love the feeling of my tongue sliding all over you. Let me do it for you”. This would not only eliminate her weakness but also result in something that both of you can enjoy. Remember, sex should be enjoyable, but before that, it should be guilt-free. And if you are not eliminating the issue, you are part of the problem.
As sex and relationship, expert Annabelle Knight tells us.
“If [your sex life] is substandard, it’s up to you to do something about it. If you have tried talking and it has not had the desired effect, then now is the time to take action. Start by telling your partner exactly what you want––lots of partners find it extremely sexy when their other half takes control, and for many women, being in the driving seat can be extremely liberating.”
Remember, your sex life is your sex life, and if somebody has to initiate a change for the better, it is you only. If sex has just become a mundane, routine chore for both of you, it is time to grab the bull by its horns and straighten it up. Bad sex or good sex, both lie in the mind first and then in the bodies. Prepare your minds and your bodies would fall in tune, I promise!
As Marilyn Monroe has rightly said.
“Sex is always about emotions. Good sex is about free emotions; bad sex is about blocked emotions.”
Ravi Rajan (author) from Mumbai on January 30, 2021:
Deshsewak Kuldeep Bhagat from A TO Z Exim Shopping Mart on January 30, 2021: