Brian is invested in the study of human behavior and seek to identify traits and characteristics that contribute to healthy relationships.
Love at First Sight
We can all agree that being loved and to have the ability to love someone so deeply is a wonderful gift. Being in love and sharing a part of yourself with another person is a blessing that not everyone get to experience. The ‘falling in love’ part is easy, but staying in love is a long term commitment. It is more than just heady feelings that you experience when you first lock eyes with the man of your dreams. Although not all woman swoons at having a knight in shining armor sweep them off their feet, it may happen by chance and you want to be ready when the moment comes.
I Do or I Don't?
Now returning to the important question that is on hand; how to determine upfront if this man you are keen to enter into a relationship with is worthy of your consideration? Of course, each person has their own set of unique qualities that either makes them a darling or a nuisance. Thus, it is crucial to ask ourselves what is our standard or qualities that we foresee being able to contribute to the relationship we desire in the long run.
It may seem discriminatory to highlight certain traits of a person to set them apart from others, but you will thank yourself for going through this ‘candidate filtering’ process before committing. You have to understand that your choices will have a big influence in your life and immensely affect the dynamics of the relationship in the long term. The effect will be much more evident when you begin the next phase of your life and start a family of your own.
So, what are the qualities that we should be on the lookout for in a man, who we look forward to join hands with at the altar? The qualities that I shall list out here will be based on my understanding and perspective in relation to the Bible. There could be a million and one other traits or qualities but the Bible has narrowed it down to these few as a general reference and guide for those who need it.
Just to be clear, it is not necessarily a good idea to depend on another person to make you whole and happy. Otherwise, your happiness will then be reliant on the dimension of specific behaviors or actions based on certain expectations you have towards your partner. Any behavior that deviates from that expectation might then upset the balance of the relationship and contribute to conflict.
Is it Worth It or Not?
The important question now would be to determine if the person interested in you is worth your time and dedication and you can see having a future with them.
1. He Has Integrity
Integrity is a valuable and admirable characteristic in a person. It indicates the ability to choose to do the right thing even when no one is looking. Why is it important to ensure that your man possess this quality? Well, it would be comforting to know that you can depend on your man to see through his promises to you. He will choose to do something because it is right instead of finding an easy outlet to escape responsibilities. This demonstrates strong discipline and character in a person, whereby he shall weigh his decisions and its influence on the relationship with you.
In Exodus 8:28-32, integrity is portrayed as being able to give your word and honor it. Just imagine your partner making you a promise but never make it a priority to see it through. When confronted, he frees himself by offering multitude of excuses. Then there is one who apologizes countless times but there seems to be a pattern of conveniently forgetting when it matters. Naturally, you will begin to have an idea that you cannot depend on him anymore. If this is a common occurrence in the beginning of the courtship, how will it be like when the relationship progressed further and turned serious?
2. He Demonstrates Leadership
Being in a relationship is a journey and effort is required to keep the relationship alive and thriving. It is no longer a one man show because now you are both involved and invested with each other’s life. You both share equal footing and play an active role to navigate the relationship towards a path of growth. Just as stated in Genesis 2:21-22, God took one of the man’s ribs and from that rib, He made a woman, whom He presented to the man as his own. A woman ought not to be portrayed as the weaker gender that she shall submit herself to her man.
In fact, a man of the household demonstrates leadership when he allows his partner to play an active role in decision-making as well. This is achieved through having a common understanding that all decisions are made in the best interest of the relationship. When things go south, it is not about pointing fingers, but taking accountability and progressing forward. Your man approaches conflict and issues diplomatically and make you feel respected because he embraces your concerns. It feels like you are both working as a team because there is two-way communication instead of an autocratic style of conflict resolution. This makes for a harmonious bond which will likely affect your parenting-style further down the road.
3. He is A Man of Faith
He believes in God and upholds His word diligently, which reflects in everything he does. Just like a virtuous woman, a man who dedicates his life to God first will have a set of priorities that drive and motivate him in the relationship. He will set a good example through his words and actions when he is with you. He knows that he is not trying to impress the world with his relationship, but instead find it as a means to be closer to God and practice gratitude.
Knowing that life can take unexpected turns, a man of faith does not lose hope easily. He will show you the meaning of grit and persistence and be the rock that you can rely on when times get tough. Having faith is extremely important because it will demonstrate his commitment towards building a future with you. James 1: 2-3 encapsulates the essence of having faith during a rough period actually forms perseverance and harness maturity in a person. If your man bails at the first sign of trouble, then you might want to re-think if he will be there to see you through if something worse were to happen. Going through tough times with a man of faith is different because he knows that it is just a phase that will pass and surviving it with you will make the relationship stronger. It is reassuring to have a solid anchor, who is willing to endure the pains of life with you and work through the tough spots in life together.
4. He is Purpose Driven
In order to be successful in life, we need to have a purpose that makes us wake up every day looking forward to engage and participate in actions that gets us closer to our goal. Life is only meaningful when we attach it to a specific purpose, in which achieving it makes us a better person and we feel good about it. Just like in Ephesians 2:10, it says that we are created by God to do good works in which He has equipped us to go ahead and do it.
Although being in a relationship means you are both always in each other’s life, you still have to work on your own personal identity and individual achievement. This is because what you bring forth as an individual can help grow the relationship and allow it to flourish. Find yourself a man who is motivated and always makes good use of the talent and skills he possess not only for his own benefit but for others as well. It is not wise to determine your man’s worth by his stature, how much money he makes, or how accomplished he is because this may all be motivated by worldly desires. All of his focus will be invested towards chasing these objectives that are second to none compared to you. Nevertheless, it would indeed be a good bonus to have a well off partner, who makes it his mission to see that all the hard work is intended to grow what you both already have into something better. A good man with a higher purpose in life knows that nothing comes easy; he never complains of what he lacks but focuses on what he has and tries to make the best of it.
5. He is a Man of God
Why is this even an aspect of consideration to determine if your man is a potential husband material? Well, this aspect may be relevant for those who actually believe in God themselves. God looks upon marriage as a sacred agreement between a man and a woman, who choose to come together and commit themselves to sharing responsibilities, duties, and pledging loyalty to each other and to Him.
When a man honors God, he will prioritize His relationship with Him and use it to bless the relationship he has with you. He will constantly seek God on ways to enrich the life he intends to have with you. The verse 1 Timothy 6:11 says that a man of God is one that will pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, steadfastness, and gentleness. It is indeed a great thing because all of his actions will be dictated by what God allows in a relationship and knowing that you are a gift from God will reflect on the way he treats you. It is more the better when both of you believe in the same almighty God because then you both will build a strong foundation that will serve as a good example for your children in what to expect from their future partner.
When it comes to choosing ‘The One’, you will know in your heart when God is trying to tell you what He thinks of your choices. He might even show you, but it is up to you to be ‘sensitive’ and accepting when He reveals it to you. God definitely has His plans for you whether you choose to marry or stay single for the rest of your life. Either way, any relationship you choose to be involved in will definitely be better when it is guided by the Lord.
At the end of the day, God only wants the best for you but He will not take away the freedom for you to make your own choices. He will not show the face of the person you are supposed to marry or reveal the name of your better half in your dreams. However, He will guide you with these parameters that He believes will make it a better and meaningful pursuit.
© 2021 Brian
Brian (author) from Kuala Lumpur Malaysia on August 07, 2021:
Brian (author) from Kuala Lumpur Malaysia on August 07, 2021:
Our happiness is entirely our own responsibility. Being married to the person we love only supplements the existing peace and joy and having someone to share it with makes life so much the better.
You hit the nail on the head with the quote by
Barringham; it’s a simple truth because what you care for will flourish. Just like relationship – one in which two persons truly care for one another that they build each other up and put the effort to maintain it. You hardly find happy couples complain or get at each other for the tiniest little issue.
It is in our human nature to want to be associated with people who have a positive outlook in life because of the assumption that positivity breeds positivity. We tend to gravitate towards positive people because they have this optimistic aura that is able to lift others up. Naturally, we will be inclined to spend more time with those who are optimistic because it gets us into a better state of mind.
We unconsciously engage in the screening process of a potential mate most of the time, with a list that we have conjured in our head about the acceptable traits which are important to us. The thing is, different people may have vastly dissimilar traits that they value due to cultural and social background. Nevertheless, there are certain universal traits that most can agree will contribute to better marriage. Meeting a person that checks all the boxes is just a small part of the equation, because the sustainability of a marriage then is dependent on the commitment from both parties to make it work. There are countless possibilities that may make or break the union between man and wife, which makes the hunt for the right one a futile attempt if we keep looking over at other people’s lawn and admiring theirs instead of taking care of our own.
Some people may not have luck in relationships or they are just unsure about what they really want, which might make the pursuit lose meaning after some time. They then move on in search of the next best thing. On the other hand, there might also be the probability that a person’s preferences changes over time. They no longer find interest in the thing that used to excite them further down the road, and choose to continue with the hunt. Meeting the right one is like finding a needle in a haystack. You can never really be certain the one you end up with is the person that is right for you unless you both commit to the same goal of making things work out by engaging in the right actions, approach, and having the same attitude towards the relationship.
Pawan Kumar from India on August 04, 2021:
dashingscorpio from Chicago on August 04, 2021:
"Just to be clear, it is not necessarily a good idea to depend on another person to make you whole and happy." - Sound advice.
Your relationship/marital status should not determine your happiness. There are always married/single people who want to swap places. Wherever you go there you are.
"The grass is always greener on the side you water."
- Neil Barringham
The irony is most people are attracted to those who are positive, happy, and enjoying their life.
"The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it." - W.M. Lewis
Each of us has our mate selection screening process and "must haves list".
Each of us has our own boundaries and "deal breakers"
When it comes to love and relationships most of us (fail our way) to success. Very few people hit a homerun their 1st, 2nd, 3rd, or 4th time up at bat. If this were not the case we would all be married to our high school sweethearts!
With each failed relationship, heartache, or betrayal we are presented with an opportunity to either craft or refine our mate selection screening process for choosing our next mate.
"Some people come in our life as blessings. Some come in your life as lessons." - Mother Teresa
"Dating is primarily a numbers game.... People usually go through a lot of people to find good relationships. That's just the way it is." - Henry Cloud