Kenneth, born and raised in the South, resides in Hamilton, Alabama. He enjoys sharing his unique perspectives on life through his writing.
Look and Learn!
Well, I Might as Well
stick my neck into the noose. I used to think that Women's Lib, The Afghanistan Conflict and other sensitive points were considered controversial. You know. "That" certain mouth-to-mouth kiss on national TV by Britney Spears and MaDonna, a sure-frre ratings bullet. But now, I give you what I probably will name "the" most glaring hug that have ever came from my fingertips. I present to you: The headline right above this paragraph.
How did you like that fast move? I used to be dealer on the Vicksburg - Gulfport river boat. And I can assume that even in those days of "Huck Finn" and his best buddy, "Tom Sawyer," that there were blind dates. Just like mules. Blind dates were and/as important as the mule. I swear and stand by this statement.
Personally, I've been on ONE blind date. ONE! And let me add, the ONLY one1 And yes, it has a lot to do with the girl who was chosen to go with me on that date, so called. Let me get my train-wreck out of the way, but I can share this as one of the things that can go wrong with a blind date.
My best pal's girlfriend's cousin (my first red flag that went up) was chosen, not begged, to be my blind date. Right out of the chute, I asked the always-obvious question, is she pretty? Well, what my best pal's girlfriend to say, Errr, NOOOO! She's a beach wreck with loads of barnacles on her sides. Instead I heard things like, she's very pretty. She has a dynamite personality. And you will (me) like her the first time that you see her.
Yeah. So I was stupid about blind dates in 1973. Inside I was quite frankly excited about going out with a young woman whom I had not met. Yes, the old saying fits here: but (little did I realize) and little is 100% correct.
Knowledge Is Dangerous
especially when it happens to you. And me. It did not take long before I knew that I had been conned by my buddy's girlfriend. Upon being introduced to my date, my stomach began twisting into numerous knots. My blood pressure spiked. I looked at my buddy's girlfriend with a look of "what are you doing?" on my face, but only met with gales of laughter and pointing in my direction. Yes. This was cerainly NOT a happy moment.
The girl was all of 15,--kinda pretty, but also immature and a great candidate for "Jail Bait Show" the type of girl who can give us guys many wild dreams (about hot nights in Alabama drinking beer with this girl in my '57 Chevy convertible), and can send us guys for a lot of years into the clink. Or is it Klink? Not to be confused with "Col. Klink," of "Hogan's Heroes." Or Roland Martin Fishing Show (featuring bait).
When we picked her up, I was exhausted. It was on a Wednesday night and I had put one more shift in at our mobile home factory in my hometown, Hamilton, Ala., but I went along even with the young girl in the backseat far from me on the left side. I thought that any minute I was going to fall fast asleep.
We ended-up in Jasper, Ala., to a new Hardee's restaurant that not been open that long, so my buddy and his girlfriend, wanted to go in to get our food and they told us to just sit in the car--like I had anything else to do. Then came that awkward silence. That bone-chilling silence that That I died several times since answering . . .
"Are you bored?" she asked so boldly.
"You bet I am!" I answered before I knew it. I did tell you that I was exhausted.
"Well! Why don't you just take me home?" she demanded, but not in an angry way.
"Look. I am sorry. I did not mean 'bored' as you would think." I answered hoping that this smooth reply would work.
Nope. Not a way in the world. Not even with the two master lawyers, F. Lee Bailey and Perry Mason would stand a chance if I had been sued. But we managed to get her back home, but on the way, a funny thing unfolded. The young girl actually really interesting and I told her that. When we left her, she winked and told me that I could visit her again.
Do whaaattttt? I said in sudden-death response.
She wasn't joking. But I had watched enough Bill Dance Fishing Show to see how Big Mouth Bass eluded Dance so many times, and I kept my BIG mouth shut!
So guys, you have just read my true account of what can go wrong if you use honesty the wrong way. Sure, it's fine to be truthful, but there again you have to use discretion. This was something that I failed to do.
Things That Girls And Guys Do To Sabotage Blind Dates:
⦁ Take out their blind date, but hide the fact that he/she is far from who or what they wanted. So in the restaurant, they find a friend who is also eating there and strike-up a long conversation with them and neglect the girl/boy who went on the blind date with them. This is definitely trouble on all fronts.
⦁ Guy, you agree to go on this blind date who is blonde, funny, appeared in Fast 'N Furious 4, and Michelle Rodriguez was jealous of her, but you take her to the ballet and once you're seated, she stands and begins to do John Travolta impressions. And quite frankly, she's not that bad.
⦁ Girls, you agree to go on this blind date because he is more handsome than George Clooney, rich, and owns so much Microsoft stock that even his grand children's grand childen will not spend all of his scratch. Wow! You've hit the mother load. But . . .he takes you to a very posh museum and at the right time, he begins to tap dance, and do some soft shoe and do a balancing act to see how many eggs that he can balance end-to-end on his forehead.
⦁ Guys, your female blind date loves to punch guys in the ribs to practice for a Female Boxing Match the next day.
⦁ You do not scold her and you think that her beating you to a pulp with make her sympathetic and want to date you again. Wow, what a fool! She only laughs at you in front of everyone.
⦁ Girls, your very athletic, Peyton Manning-looking guy suddenly wants to let you drive as you lunge into the road to race his car. So long. Forever.
⦁ Speaking of impressions, guys, you need to respect your blind date no matter if she refers to you as "Donkey Lips," then when you and this girl arrive at any Pizza Hut, where's it's a packed house, you tell your female date just what you are doing . . .and that . . .animal sounds. Then do a donkey sound with jump; a lion sound and bite a customer. This is only a small part of things that can go wrong on a blind date.
Girls And Guys, Things You Once Desired For a Blind Date:
⦁ For the guy blind date to be dressed nice, shaved, and courteous. Well, this is the Great Fantasy that causes girls to just put her eyes on the potential date, but no. The date is not wearing nice clothes, but coveralls. You can also smell tobacco smoke on his clothes, and this is when the girl smile and softly says, "did I tell you that I had a doctor's appointment this evening? Oops. Sorr-eeeee."
⦁ For the girl blind date she dreams that her best BFF has set her up (so sorry) with a dreamboat of a guy. He will have a nice suit and shoes on. His hair will be clean and styled and be so intelligent. But when "Dreamy" and his buddy and girl, "Anny" roll-up to pick up the girl who "Anny" set-up, we find out that this poor tusting girl finds this guy in torn jeans (not fashion, but really torn), and he is fast asleep--not due to drugs or alcohol. Just laziness. Slam! This is the sound of that back door slamming. Girl, wish that I had gotten your name, you are one wise chick.
⦁ Finally, the old "It's About Me Blind Date," Routine. Simply-put. This works for guys and girls who see right-away that their blind date choice is not going to work. Just get into the car in backseat and immediaely after the greetings, you begin to say, "listen. I do not care about your clothes, job,or your family. This date is all about ME! Got it? We will eat where I say, go where I want and in effect, do everything I demand on this blind date." Well, that will work if your face is kept stone-faced. Do not smile. And your terrible blind date will not happen.
Or . . .girls, (I thought of you here), if your blind date is not up to your liking, justopen the back door of the girl or guy who's driving (to let you get to know your date) . . .and walk on through the back seat in front of "Mr. Blind Date Shocking," do not stop. Leave. I'd say that you are one wise young woman.
April 22, 2021_____________________________________________________
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