Ms Macon is the Bitchface in Ask A Bitchface and often provides advice on dating, relationships, divorce, and Southern Belle-isms.
Last Year, I Was Caught With My Proverbial Pants Down...
I try to be on my toes when it comes to the designated "couples" points in the year. Nobody wants to be cramming chocolate in their face as they snot up a t-shirt sleeve to a rom-com. I don't even care for rom-coms, due to the fact that there is always more rom than com, and that isn't how I like my percentages.
Nonetheless, last year Cupid crept me like a thief in the night, and I ate a bag of Dove hearts and cried myself to sleep while pinning quotes to my Pinterest boards, like a lot of single and on the "undateable" registry find themselves doing. Not this year, though. This Valentines Day, I'm going in like SEAL Team 6, and I'm not coming back until I've annhialated any chance of a repeat performance of last year.
No Sandra Bullock marathon is ruining my mascara...I'm opting out...
We Have All Had One Of Those Episodes...
You know the ones I mean. You knew better than to listen to that song, or watch that movie, or whatever your "soft as medicated cotton" trigger may be. I have fallen victim to this idiocy of late, so I'm certainly in no position to judge anyone. That doesn't mean that I won't, of course, but that's just something that I do. Don't mind me.
There is, however, a difference between watching the marathon of Sandra Bullock rom-coms on the Hallmark channel, and accidentally flipping over to the adult contemporary station when Michael Bolton is wailing your ex's tune. Huge difference. Why be a masochist about the situation? It isn't going to change anything.
What's My Plan This Time?
Well, I'm glad you asked. I'm not getting blackout drunk, as I have tried as an aversion tactic so many times prior. Nor am I going to spend my next months salary on shoes that I have nowhere to wear, so they simply take up shelving in my closet. Nope, none of the above.
This year, I'm taking a page from the playbook of men all over the world; I'm pretending as though I have no earthly idea what day of the year it happens to be. I swear to y'all, I will be like my ex-husband on my 27th birthday; there isn't a sign of an occasion...it has been forgotten like every other significant date I repeatedly reminded him of. I'm going to be the owner of significant short term memory loss, and I don't care who knows that my outage is a planned episode. This isn't unplanned downtime; this is predicative maintenance.
You literally have no idea how great my imagination is...it could be the 4th of July before the day is out at my house...
It May Sound Simple, But I Think It May Work...
Look, if ladies have been falling for the "no idea of the date" excuse for an absurd number of years, and if it's still allowed to fly with y'all, I'm cashing in on this situation myself. I mean, why should I have to act like I'm in my feelings about being alone, when being God's honest with you, I'm really not. I was back with Andy a whole week before he reminded me exactly why I have no business attempting a relationship, or feigning interest in anything similar.
Broken heart or not, I will put my hands on Cupid if he dares to show his chubby ass up at my doorstep. I have so much less than nothing for anyone that isn't Andy, and I can't fix him well enough for him to love me. I'm living in a relationship catch-22, except there isn't a catch and we are done and I can't even pretend that a Valentines Day this year wouldn't probably snap my mind in half. So, I'm taking this new approach to my emotional health. It's called "head in the sand", and I am starting to see some tangible results from it already.
Are You One Of The "I Forgot The Holiday" Men?
Don't Think I Can't Forget The Date, Time, And His Name...
I'm the author, I can completely edit that dude from my life if I really set my mind to do so. I'll redline that draft so heavily that it's a full rewrite when I'm finished. There is nothing salvageable. Not the holiday, not the excuses, not the way we used to be.
Valentine's Day? Um, no, not here. Maybe you're in a different time zone or something. I dunno.
david from kansas on February 17, 2021:
Lol but did you ??