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Signs They Don't Love You for Real

I'm a writer and speaker with a flair for coaching people on relationship and marriage. I've been married for more than 13 years.


A serious, healthy relationship gives one the veritable platform to fulfill the natural desires of having someone to love and being loved in return. Among other things, a loving relationship provides security, offers haven from misery, boosts one’s confidence and self-esteem, and gives emotional stability.

Moreover, in civilised cultures, a relationship is deemed a mandatory precursor to marriage. This makes marriage, for most people, the main motivation for starting a relationship.

Unfortunately, however, a relationship could become one`s undoing. Ranging from people who got initiated into the world of crime by their partners to those who fell victim of love scam, cases abound of people whose trajectory became irreversibly altered, in the wrong sense, by loving the wrong person.

In fact, it cannot be overemphasised that the fallout of being with the wrong person could be so bad as to initiate a series of ugly events that will usher in an abrupt, premature sunset of life.

Consequently, you have to tread with caution by watching out for any indications of insincerity from a partner. Trying to rationalise or excuse unreasonable behaviours in a relationship, for whatever reasons, amounts to self-deceit; a fabrication of reality to make oneself happy. You would do well to pull the plug on the relationship once you discover that your partner is not what they claim to be, regardless of the anguish such a decision will elicit.

But you will only be able to make the liberating decision of calling it quits with a toxic relationship when you don't allow your emotions to cloud your judgment. Your watchword in a relationship should be to love with your head, and not with your heart.

Although it could be particularly difficult to spot the real intentions of people, this piece explains some vital indicators of insincerity in a relationship that will help you detect someone who doesn't love you for real.

1. They Don't Have Plans To Marry You

If you look forward to being married, then someone who claims to love you, without any intention of marrying you, is not the right person for you. This is not rocket science; they are merely wasting your time, for reasons best known to them.

One reason why a partner would have reservations about marriage, despite professing true love for you, is that they are only trying to gain your confidence in order to perpetrate fraud. This is not inconceivable: it happens from time to time, as unscrupulous people abound whose modus operandi is to first gain one's trust by pretending to be truly in love with one, only to cheat one out of one's life savings.

Another probable reason one can adduce for a partner's aversion to marriage is that, if you have been sleeping with them, they deem you a mere object of sexual gratification. In this case, they will only leave you once they get bored with you. For this reason, it is very sensible to delay sex till marriage.

2. They Don’t Care Enough

A person who truly loves you will show unfeigned, active interest in your overall well-being, development and success. They will, among other things, encourage and support you through thick and thin, support your dreams and aspirations, nurture your development and career growth, and help ameliorate any financial predicaments if they have the means.

This is not to say, however, that one is a partner's responsibility. What really matters is the candid desire to make one happy; the willingness to go all the way towards making one the best one can be. Most times, the sincere expression of goodwill is enough to give succour and motivation and offer reassurance.

Someone who shows obvious disinterest in your well-being, happiness and development is surely not committed enough to making your relationship lead to your desired outcome. And they won't make a good spouse either.

3. They Cheat on You

Loyalty is one of the cardinal attributes of true love; it's the bedrock of any healthy relationship. Accordingly, you should expect and demand absolute fidelity from your partner.

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Truth be told, unless one is literally blind, one will always see people who are more attractive and better than one's partner; nevertheless, one must demonstrate commitment by avoiding any act of infidelity. Cheating is a serious act of betrayal that comes with dire consequences. It inflicts emotional and psychological pain on the innocent party, disrespects them and damages their self-esteem and ability to trust people.

For your own good, you must take a hardline stance on cheating by parting ways with a partner who deems it right to cheat on you, as they don't love you for real. They are a scurrilous entity who are merely using romantic exterior to play fast and loose with your live.

Certainly, a cheat will concoct different excuses and stories to justify their action such as making attempts to trivialise or downplay their illicit relationship and blaming you for their appalling act of betrayal. But you should never listen to their cock and bull story; if you aspire to a happy marriage, a relationship should be seen as a platform to probe a partner's intentions, attitude and character: they fail irredeemably once they cheat on you.

4. They Speak Ill of You

I remember a friend telling me and some mutual friends of his sexual escapades with a local girl way back in my university days. His motive was to boost his ego, slight the poor young woman and paint her in a bad light.

That awkward discussion left a lasting impression on me: one of the cardinal indicators of the absence of genuine love is the unfettered willingness to speak ill of one's partner behind their back. My friend was not actually in love with the girl in question; he was merely taking advantage of her naivety.

Likewise, only a partner who is not genuinely in love with you will go about telling people things that will damage your reputation and integrity. You are better off without such a one in your life.

No one is truly in love who goes around denigrating their partner. To do so is simply bizarre, akin to subjecting oneself to ridicule; someone who loves you for real will fight tooth and nail to shield you from derision.

5. They Make Unreasonable Demands

One remarkable way of showing love and commitment in a relationship is the mutual, unfettered willingness to succour one's partner. After all, it's only too natural to see one's significant other happy and free from distress. For this reason, it's not out of order to assist or solicit help from one's partner.

However, it's inappropriate for your financial support of a partner to become extortionate or unreasonably one-sided or for them to start making unreasonable demands, such as asking you to do things that will undermine your own safety, health, freedom and happiness.

Obviously, flouting this rule makes a relationship toxic and raises serious questions over the integrity and feelings of the guilty partner. A partner who will extort you or ask you to do something illegal or immoral are not truly in love with you. They fit the description of a gold digger or scammer or criminal whose real motivation for being in a relationship is to use an unsuspecting partner to advance their selfish desires. It's needless to say that such a one should have no place in your life.

6. They Are Deceptive

Deception and true love are like oil and water that don’t mix; it should never be tolerated in a relationship. Someone who is truly committed to the love they profess for you will exhibit honesty in every facet of their life, even if they stand the risk of losing your love.

Deception is a bad virtue that emanates from desperation, obsession and selfishness. To start a relationship under false pretences, for example, amounts to a scam; much like getting a job or getting admitted to a school with fake credentials. In addition to the fact that one’s position will become untenable once caught, one could be liable to criminal prosecution.

In the same vein, it’s naïve to stick with someone who employs deception as a tool for starting or sustaining a relationship: they will betray you sooner or later.

7. They Don’t Enjoy Your Company

Someone who loves you should enjoy your company. In fact, an unfeigned thirst for the perpetual company of one's partner is an important means of conveying one’s feelings.

When a partner is easily bored with you, it’s either you are not compatible, or they don’t love you for real. Either way, such a relationship holds no promises for emotional fulfillment or a blissful marriage.

For example, marriage is a life-time commitment that hinges on companionship. For this reason, it’s inconceivable to think that a marriage will work when a couple don’t enjoy each other’s company.

8. They Are Reluctant To Introduce You to Their Friends and Family

One of the veritable ways of ascertaining the sincerity and seriousness of a partner is by their willingness to introduce you to their friends and family.

When in doubt of someone’s claims or identity, asking to know their friends and family is a shrewd idea. In fact, you should become wary once they are reluctant to introduce you to their friends and family: it means they have something to hide.

For example, a person who is intent on starting a relationship with you under false pretenses will not be so keen about introducing you to their friends and family–except those ones among them that have been co-opted into their dubious scheming.

To be continued...

© 2021 John Macleans

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