Welcome to your guide
Welcome to your guide on break ups. They are not the easiest thing in the world to handle. They can leave you feeling like you're worthless or that you waste a lot of time, but I am here to tell you exactly what you can do so that you are in the best route to recovery possible.
Fpurest things first throw away all your old notions of break ups. Instead we are going to try to focus on healing and getting you back to a proper sense of your emotions and mentality. You may have a lot in your heart to say. You may feel like you need to tell this person everything on your mind. But I would suggest that you don't tell them everything that's going on in your head. What you need is closure, but you're not necessarily going to find that with the person that you have to stay away from now. This person that you love doesn't understand closure. And what you need to do is find closure. Even if you intend to get back with this person, you need to clear out your head. Make yourself mentally available again for a healthy relationship. You cannot date anyone until you fix this, including your ex.
I first suggest that when you break up focus on your emotions. Know that your emotions are symptoms of deeper wounds. If you just trying to heal the emotions you're only healing the symptoms. This is like if you had the mumps and all you did was cure the fever. All you'd be doing by doing this is delaying fixing mumps. You have to fix the wound and figure out why it needs healing before you can move on. By doing this you will attract the right person for you. Otherwise you will only attract people to you based off your wounds. This is dangerous. Partly because if you were to heal that wound while you're with them, you may then outgrow them later. It's important for you to clean up and clear out your emotions in your own way, so that you are not codependent on the person to help you heal yourself. And also remember the most powerful force in the universe is your power to heal yourself. You need to believe in the power of you.
Dealing with your thoughts
You are going to have a lot of thoughts after a break up. You may want to explore those thoughts to an insane degree. You may wish to tell this person everything you're thinking and try to recover the relationship with them. I guarantee you the best thing to do right now is cut off communication with them. You need to cut off communication for a few months. Wait until you're absolutely sure that you're coming from a good place before trying to open up conversation with them.
The first things that you need to do with all those thoughts is putting them in a place that's safe for you. You need to journal what you're going through. This will help you to understand and navigate your own waters, which is far more important than trying to navigate and understand someone else's emotions. So what I suggest is that in your private time write out your thoughts, also you can make videos of yourself and you can also speak to an audio recorder. The thing here that's absolutely necessary is for you to understand what you're going through and process it. It is important for you to process your emotions. And by journaling you can understand it. I suggest that you write letters to your ex, but never send them to them. Write these as though you're actually getting to talk to them, and it may help you find some clarity as to what happened and what you were needing to have closure on. But you don't need to send these... it's not really meant for them.
Instead of thinking about your ex I'm gonna give you a strategy that helps you to process your emotions in a way that I'll be healthy and force you to recover. Every time that you think of your ex try to think of a celebrity that you adore. A celebrity that you think has all their crap together. Someone you think that is a humanitarian, that is a good role model, is someone that you wish that you could meet. It's good to displace your withdrawal-energy onto a celebrity because you most likely won't meet this person, and you can't make them a rebound... so you are not gonna end up hurting someone else. It's good whenever you're thinking about this person and you have your ex in your head to instead look at pictures or movies or TV shows with your favorite celebrity. It'll help you to feel more positive about yourself. I ended up having a crush on a Korean drama actor the last time that I had a break up. And what I did is I watched his TV shows and just his glowing face and his performance in those shows actually made me feel a lot better. And instead of writing all these words I wanted to my ex, I wrote a fan letter to the celebrity that lives overseas. It sounds ridiculous, but it actually made me feel like I deserved better. It made me feel like that I could actually find somebody who is genuine. I could believe in an existence where there are good men in this planet because he exists. It makes sense to me to reevaluate myself through that experience. A fan letter can say whatever it needs to. And most likely won't be addressed. It's safe while giving you the chance to process. Alow yourself to send it off if you so desire. I definitely encourage you to find a celebrity that you can crush on for a little while.
Find ways to be happy
You may feel really sad right now, but instead remember that no one has the right to take your joy away. You get to experience the completion of your own joy. No one has the right to take your smile away. So what you need to do during this time is find ways to make yourself happy, laugh, and do things that you love.
I highly recommend watching the TV shows that make you laugh. I highly recommend laughing at yourself. I recommend calling all your friends that make you laugh and hanging out with them. Right now drinking alcohol or bInge eating is not your best friend. You should drink alcohol when you're happy not when you're sad. That's because alcohol can trick you and then you might get addicted and codependent on it as opposed to learning and processing your emotions in a healthy state.
Now is the time to pick up your favorite hobbies. Or change things up and try something new that you wanted to try for a long time. If you thought about taking dance classes, or going rockclimbing, or doing poetry.... this is what you should do now; it'll bring a new refreshed sense of energy to your life.
Accept your progress
Some people get through their emotions in a break up faster than others. It's OK the amount of days, weeks, months it takes you to process your break up. We want as mentors, therapists, and so forth to get you through the process as quickly and seamlessly as possible. That way you are enabled for the fun parts of your life as quickly as possible.
You don't need to delete them off Facebook. You may find that it's comforting to know how they're doing. But you should avoid looking at their Facebook profile every single day. It will help you if you don't look at it all the time. But you may need to contact this person in your life at some point, so deleting them can actually backfire on you. Deleting someone is a very emotionally charged move. And it can come off more unappealing then you may desire. If he deletes you off Facebook, don't jump to conclusions. They may need to do this. They may believe this is the best choice for them. If they still text you and talk to you if you need to confront them about stuff.... excellent. But don't expect him to take the same guidelines that you do for the break up. Everyone has different strategies. That doesn't mean that all strategies are good, that means that people are going to use the best resources they have to comfort themselves when dealing with loss. In reading this, you should come to healthier conclusions about how to process loss then if you did this blindly.
Again, it's important to accept yourself where you are. Embrace who you are. Put yourself in an environment where you can nourish your emotions. Don't be afraid of what emotions creep up on you when you're in your private time. Try to comfort them. Try not to judge your emotions. It's OK if you're angry, scared, or having other emotions that you don't normally like dealing with. If you confront yourself and you're more OK with these emotions, you will be better able to handle them. But if you are too afraid to go in there to address your emotions, they could end up coming back to you in full force. You must again look deeply at yourself. You must be introspective. You must know that you are a beautiful person, and that there is a lot to you and wit him all of us there are some negative things to deal with and to confront. But when you look directly at your pain this is when you have the chance to grow and challenge yourself to be a better version of yourself. If you handle a break up with grace, then you will have so many better opportunities is at your door. You can handle a break up as a mature person. You can still be a kind person after a break up. There is no reason in breaking up with anyone that you have to sink down to their level. What I'm going to tell you is the best strategy for getting over a person, it is killing it with kindness. The best revenge is kindness.
Killing it with kindness
Yes, it feels great to come back at somebody to stab them in the back a little after they stabbed you. I'm going to tell you that it feels even better when you approach this with kindness. Instead of sending them weird gifts, destroying their property, or making a big scene in front of their house, apprpoach them with grace. Remember they are still a human, and in that regard you still want to respect them. This person could have been born as you. This person in a way is you. Remember would you treat yourself so horribly if you had committed the same things? What you should want to do is nurture it into something better. If this person is harmed you they are experiencing some kind of malevolence, so the best thing you can do is continue to wear the shoes of benevolence in order to help them strive to be a better person. By respecting this person, you are giving them a better chance at having a better relationship in the future. Let them know that no, you don't want them back, but you do want them to have successful relationships in the future. The only way you would want them back is if they have become a better person. And you're not just gonna wait around for them to be a better person.
Instead of keying their car, you should send them off in a successful way. Think of it as what would you need if you wanted to feel loved after brokenness. Would you send them gifts? Would you send them happy things? This doesn't mean you should be sending him things to blatantly remind him of the relationship he just lost. You want to send things things in a positive light. You want to be someone who really can show that they are a kind person. That they can survive a break up, and it's not the end of the world. You don't want to sink to the level of having a tantrum like a child. If you are going to have tantrums you need to do that in your own territory, in your own space, where you can be private. And you should definitely love yourself as fully as you possibly can. It's really important that you kill this with kindness. Do all the research that you possibly can into what is kindness. Revenge is best served when you are friendly. And your ex probably needs a little bit of friendliness. But that doesn't mean you should be overbearing, with the expectation that you want to get them back. Doing that will not send and deposit the healthy energy that they are needing. Instead you should really be careful about your heart. You don't need to be spending a lot of time with this person. You need to clear them out of your head. And this is a kindness unto yourself. Don't just be kind to the person that you broke up with. Be absolutely kind to your self. You can survive a break up. The pain won't last forever.
Clean up everything
Right now what you need to do is clean up your head. By doing this you will create available space in your mind for your next relationship. I'm repeating myself a little bit, but it's really important that you are in a good clean mental space before you date someone else. And that someone else could even be your ex. Don't go back to them until your mind has been clean.
The best ways to clean up right now are to clean up your physical space. I suggest cleaning your whole house. Clean up all your dirty clothes. Make sure to wash the dishes. Make sure to clean the bathroom. In cleaning up these spaces in a physical way, it'll affect you in a mental way too. Having these things clean will help you to move on. And moving on is important to preparing yourself mentally. So enjoy cleaning it up. You do not need to do this in an OCD kind of way. You need to clean in a way that goes with your schedule. You need to clean so that your space is easier for you to handle. You may also want to clean through yourself digitally. You may want to go through your computer and get rid of old files that you don't need anymore. This will give you new space. Some suggestions I have is to clean out your closet. Get rid of clothes that don't fit anymore. Go through and donate those close to people who might actually need them. I suggest cleaning anything and everything. I also suggest cleaning out your car, throwing away things you don't need anymore. I suggest that you get rid of the clutter that's in your life. You don't need to hoard so many things. Reduce the amount of material objects you have. This will ease your mind. Going through and cleaning up, mopping, vacuuming, and dusting will help you to have a more nourishing environment for you to explore your emotions.
What you need right now is to exfoliate your emotions. It's time to make yourself feel pretty. So go to the store and try out some new beauty products. Give yourself a spa treatment. You should definitely eat some of the nicest chocolate that you can possibly fine. And get your body moving. You should start exercising again. Try dancing, try Pilates, try archery. With all that break up energy, you might be experiencing a lot of adrenaline. It will be really good for your body to get it moving. Breakups affect you in every factor of your life. You will feel physically drained, emotionally ruined, and spiritually crazy. By moving your body you keep yourself healthy. And you can also get into a better shape, tone yourself, and all that good stuff. When you take care of your body, your emotions, and your hygiene, you actually could make yourself look a lot younger which would be fantastic, right?
Also, by pushing yourself to be healthy, you will be making better decisions. And when you're making better decisions you will pick a better partner for yourself. And ultimately that is what you're going to want. You don't want to repeat the same stuff you've been through. You want to have a great relationship that's worthy of you. With someone who deserves you. Someone who really gives a damn.
Larry Rankin from Oklahoma on September 20, 2016: