Top 5 Reasons
1. The Challenge
2. He's a Good Catch
3. He's Unafraid of Commitment
4. She is Afraid of Rejection
5. Benefits w/o Responsibilities
“Guys, you know what the best pick up line is? I’m already in a relationship. Chicks love to hear that.”
And as sad as that may sound, there's great truth to this saying. Take my husband for example. He used to work at a home improvement store and while working, he badly damaged his wedding ring and was unable to fit it on his finger so he stopped wearing it. He told me that the minute he stopped wearing his ring, the amount of women who hit on him decreased substantially. What are the odds?! So women would hit on him all day when they saw a diamond-studded band glistening on his finger, but the moment his finger became naked, women passed him by without so much as a second glance.
Why? Why? Why? Why are women so attracted to married men? What is it about a band on that fourth finger that sends them over the edge? I researched this topic and have compiled the Top 5 Reasons why women are attracted to married men.
1. The Challenge/Seduction
Women are competitive creatures, I believe even more so than men. Who has the prettiest hair? The hottest outfit? The baddest body? The best career? Whether we realize it or not, we tend to compete with other women and compare ourselves to others. You can be dressed to impressed and then step out the car, your eyes land on another woman, and now you’re in the bathroom, fine-tuning your hair and makeup because the other lady you saw cannot possibly outdo you tonight.
When some women see a band glistening on a man’s fourth finger, she instantly picks up on the challenge. She got you, but I bet I can have you. Some women flirt more with married men than single men because it’s just “harmless” flirting and at least they know it’s not going anywhere. Then there’s the thrill of the catch and the adrenaline rush that comes when you know you’re treading on dangerous ground. That’s when women turn up their charming smile and seductive eyes to the nth degree and go in for the win.
2. He Must Be a Good Catch
Most women would not pledge their life to a man who they believe is a complete loser, an epic failure. So if some woman out there was brave enough to pledge her life to you, then you must be a good catch. Too often we hear women say the words, “Where’s all the good men at?” The man standing before you must be a good man because if he wasn’t, she wouldn’t have married him right?
3. He’s Not Afraid of Commitment
Too often, women have to deal with men who are afraid of commitment. They run from the m-word; he’ll be your boyfriend or fiancé for years and years but the minute you begin pressuring him into tying the knot, he’s ready to take off running. However, this man standing before you is different. He wasn’t afraid to get on his knee and ask his woman to marry him. He wasn’t afraid to agree to spend the rest of his life with this one woman. But this reason and reason #2 are oxymorons; they contradict themselves. You are attracted to a man who is a good catch, a man who is committed, but if he allows himself to be seduced by you, isn’t he becoming the opposite of what you were so attracted to in the first place?
4. Afraid of Rejection
A lot of women who deal with married men do so because they are afraid of rejection. Imagine approaching a single, very available, attractive man and he turns down all your advances. Some women might shrug it off while others feel intense self-esteem issues from rejection. Now imagine approaching a married, very unavailable, attractive man and he turns down all your advances. You don’t have to deal with rejection because you know that he was supposed to turn you down—he has a wife at home. The blow of rejection doesn’t hurt as bad from an unavailable man as it would from a single man.
5. Benefits without Responsibilities
Some women will say, “I like messing with married men because when I finish with them, I get to send them back home to their wives.” What do they mean by this? They get all the benefits that come from being with this man—good sex (maybe), money, gifts, etc. Furthermore, she’s playing the role of mistress so she gets to be his fantasy world instead of dealing with the hard realities of being his wife. And she doesn’t have the responsibilities that come with being his wife—things like taking care of bills in the household, sharing chores, raising children together, washing his dirty laundry, etc., etc.
My Personal Experience as a Mistress
A decade ago, I was a man’s mistress. He was married when I met him and he used a saying that most women have probably heard before: “Yeah, I’m married, but we’re separated. We’re just waiting for our year of separation to go through so we can get a divorce.” Like a fool, I fell for it. Exactly what was it that attracted me to this man who had a ring on his finger? Reasons 1-3.
Reason 1: I saw it as a challenge. At the time, I felt like I looked better than she did and I could love him better than she ever could. Reason 2: Since she’d married him, he must be a fairly good catch. She must have seen something in him that prompted her to agree to spend a lifetime with this man. Reason 3: He’s obviously not afraid of commitment if he became her husband. If he can commit to her, then he can commit to me.
Yes, I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I tricked myself into believing that if something this good was wrong, then I didn’t want to be right. And it led to me getting pregnant with my first child and him deciding (while I was pregnant) that he wanted to work things out with his wife after all. Talk about someone looking like an idiot—but I got exactly what I deserved!
Years later, I apologized to his wife for having a child by her husband and I thank God that she forgave me. To this day, they are still together and they were able to move past his infidelity and our “lovechild.” Now, as a married woman myself, I had to deal with a mistress and I tell you this. To any woman who is having or has had an affair with a married man, just know that the shoe sure doesn’t feel good when it’s on the other foot. Keep that in mind while you’re happily scurrying around with another woman’s husband. One day, you will be the wife. How will you feel if a woman is doing to your husband what you’re doing to another woman’s husband right now?
Stop the Madness
Women, the old proverbial saying is true: What goes around comes around. Leave that married man alone! You may feel like you two have the best sex in the world. Well, isn’t sex the best when you’re doing something naughty, forbidden—and furthermore, when you’re participating in an act that is pure competition (I’m gonna blow your mind better than she ever could)?
Think about what you’re doing. You’re destroying a marriage and tearing apart a household. And of course, your response to this would be: “the marriage was already falling apart before I ever got involved.” (I used the same excuse to justify my wrongdoing). Just know that when you see a house on fire, you try to help put out the flames—not quickly bring about its destruction by dousing it with gasoline. Remember: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap (Galatians 6:7).
© 2014 Jessica B Smith
charity mtisi from Johannesburg on December 04, 2018:
correct many woman want what the other woman has,like you said it would be wise to place oneself in the other's shoe. Maybe if all woman who go after married man think of this before they 'scurry' it might save a lot of marriages. It would also be a greater thing for the married man to stay faithful to their wives.
Jessica B Smith (author) from Sanford, NC on November 02, 2016:
Rocky, I'm glad things worked out well for you! I'm suspect of a woman being a "victim" for 8 years. It doesn't take 8 years to realize that he's not going to leave his wife, even if he keeps saying it. However, whatever it was that was holding here there, I'm glad she was finally able to break free from it and move on and find her happy place. Here's to 22 more beautiful years!
Rocky Rocco on September 03, 2015:
Before I met my wife she was with a married man for 8 years. Although it was before we met it still bothered me. When we met with a priest he told me that she was the victim in all this. She was lied to and made to believe he was leaving his wife. I felt she liked the excitement and all that comes with a man without the commitment. I finally got past it and have been married 22 years with 3 kids and grandkids.
Jessica B Smith (author) from Sanford, NC on January 30, 2015:
@dashingscorpio, thanks for sharing your insight on this hub! I really want to highlight what you said when you wrote "And yet may folks this (marriage) means commitment." Marriage means "legalized" commitment and an "official promise" in the eyes of God (for Christian believers). Commitment means exactly what you wrote: staying together. I actually believe that we have evolved into a nation who sees marriage like tattoos. "I'm gonna get his name tatted on me to show him that I'm in this thing forever." A few months/years later, the couple is no longer together because the "mindset" of committed forever is not there even though the etched name is. Once again, "I'm gonna marry her to show her that I'm in this thing forever." A few weeks/months/years later, the couple is no longer together. Why? Once again, the "mindset" of committed forever is not there even though the paperwork is. Successful marriages are the direct results of a successful mindset of commitment. Just my opinion.
dashingscorpio from Chicago on December 11, 2014:
Voted up and interesting! (Very well written!)
You're right about some women loving being the "other woman". I know a man who decided to leave his wife and when he told his mistress they could be together she dumped him! She didn't want the "full-time" job! :)
One thing you said: "he’ll be your boyfriend or fiancé for years and years but the minute you begin pressuring him into tying the knot,...etc"
Too many women don't realize marriage is NOT commitment. The commitment comes BEFORE the marriage.
No woman wants to marry a man whom she feels is not committed to her. If he's out running the streets/cheating and is unreliable she's not likely to want to marry him. Commitment is about dedication and treatment over time.
Kurt Russell & Goldie Hawn have lived together for over 30 years. If that's not commitment nothing is!
Kris Humphries and Kim Kardashian were 'married" for 72 days before calling it quits. And yet many folks think (marriage) means commitment.
Staying together is commitment.
A lot of women use the word "commitment" but what they're really looking for is some type of "financial security". As one woman put it in another article: "He can't just up and walk away after 10 years without having to pay up."
Essentially for her commitment is not about his undying love, monogamy, staying together, and how he treats her. It's about having some (legal rights) to his money/assets in the event the marriage does NOT work out!
It's been reported that in the U.S. (women) initiate 66% or 2/3rds of all divorce filings. Our divorce rate hovers around 50%.
Maybe what scares men about marriage is divorce! :)
Jessica B Smith (author) from Sanford, NC on September 28, 2014:
Peachpurple, that's an interesting observation you make, that "married men are more gorgeous than single men." Why do you think this is so?
peachy from Home Sweet Home on September 21, 2014:
i know that married men are more gorgeous than single men but third party shouldn't step into the boat unless the marriage had fall apart.
Jessica B Smith (author) from Sanford, NC on August 17, 2014:
@Canasta, I'm sure many others share your sentiments
canasta on August 17, 2014:
i hate these kind of womens.
Jessica B Smith (author) from Sanford, NC on August 10, 2014:
Thanks for your response! You are right in pointing out that it's harmless to be "attracted to" a married man because at the end of the day, we don't necessarily have control over who we are and aren't attracted to. It's all about self-discipline. Look, don't touch. Browse the menu, but don't order. The list of sayings go on. Whatever the case, Karma is waiting to bring back to you what you put out to others. So put out love, kindness, patience, and other good things so you can reap a fruitful harvest.
Suzie from Carson City on July 24, 2014:
Well dear Jessica......I was drawn to your Title, because it gave me a bit of a shock. I've always been of the belief that the vast majority of women are NOT attracted to married men....simply because they ARE, in fact, married. It seems to me there is the exception: Women who do not want marriage.....but do want the lust & excitement of being a home-wrecker.
or women who will date any man that smiles at them.....regardless of his status.
It's harmless enough to be "attracted to" a married man......but acting on it is, always has been and forever will be.....Taboo. It's unfortunate you had a bad experience, but you're right...you got what you deserved. I respect your honesty and humility. Obviously, due to his wife's love for him and her forgiving nature, this did not end up as messy as it surely could have.
Infidelity has been around since the beginning of time. The "reasons" for this??? Ha! There must be a million of them...aka "EXCUSES."
IMO...based upon years of "listening"......there are human beings who will cheat, regardless of who, what, where & when......and there are those who simply would not, no matter what. There's something else you can take to the bank.....uncomfortable as it is......the old expression, "Once a cheater, always a cheater?" That is absolutely true.
I disagree with both you and Henry on the "Forbidden Fruit" comment.
This world we live in is not The Garden of Eden. Speaking of....as a side note......to those who believe the Fairy Tales of the Bible.....if Adam and Eve were the only original TWO humans on the face of the earth......We are all either products of incest (Yuk)......or the Theory of evolution ( Apes) has an authentic basis. I'll let you figure out if I'm serious or joking.....but I'm sure you are THINKING!
This is an interesting hub, to say the least. Congratulations on making it through a hard lesson and being happy now......Up++
Jessica B Smith (author) from Sanford, NC on May 30, 2014:
HenryQuiles, I love the "forbidden fruit syndrome" metaphor. It makes me think of what an English instructor told me many many many years ago. She had never been a big fan of chocolate but she ended up with some kind of medical issue that caused eating chocolate to make her severely sick. From that point on, every time she saw even a sprinkle of chocolate, her mouth would start salivating and she would want it so bad that she almost couldn't control herself. It surprised her because like I said, before the medical issue, she wasn't even a big fan of chocolate. It all came down to the "forbidden fruit syndrome." We want the most what we can't have.
Henry Quiles from Reading, PA on May 29, 2014:
Hey Jessica, All accurate points you made. that's what myself and others call " forbidden fruit syndrome". The idea being, women want what they cannot have. Or vice versa. More so with women, in my experience.