I've heard it before...
It's the 21 century! Gender roles don't exist anymore! Women can play the role of men! Okay, perhaps you're right. But why would you want to? I'm all for women's rights, trust. I have had infinitely more opportunities than my grandmother or even my mother had, due to the courage of women who fought for our civil rights.
However, while our mothers and our grandmothers didn't have the opportunities we have, they did have something going for them. They well understood their role! And no, not in the kitchen, barefoot and pregnant. I mean, humble, meek, strong, not pushy, passive, yet passionate.
Hence, when a woman sees an attractive man, she should hold back from approaching him. She is the crown jewel. The man should come and seek his prize!
What if he's CRAZY? DERANGED??
This reason is for giggles, but is still grounds for serious thought. Let's say you see this hottie across the way. He's got the entire package: heightened stature, darkened complexion, toned physique. Whew! You decide to quit with the BS! 'I'm a good catch too!' you think to yourself. He needs a woman like me in his life. So you step to him. He is humbled when you speak first. He laughs it off and seems almost embarrassed by your action. When you ask him for the digits, he rattles them off. You walk away because that's the only thing left to do. You call, he answers. You go out, he's cool. Then, one day, you find out he has baby momma drama, a reposessed car, a foreclosed home, plus, he's just plain CRAZY!
Now, look back. Don't you wish you hadn't said a mumbling word?
Let a man be a man!
I know that's difficult sometimes. Because, for one, men don't always know how to be men (can I get an AMEN!). But that's okay. You need to let them learn. Don't be their mother. Don't attempt to teach them. And check this: if he's the right kind of man. I'm talkin about the man you need, then guess what? He's already got his mind's gears grinding up a way to snag you girl! He's just patiently seeking the right opportunity.
You look desperate.
Sorry. But in my years of existence (won't age myself just yet) I have never seen a woman approach a man and not seem like one of 3 things:
Maybe you've got the testicular fortitude of a Samantha Jones. Now she could pull it off. But if your goal is not to wind up doing the horizontal hokey pokey at the end of the night, then you're not Sam at all. You're probably more of a Miranda Hobbs. An eternal feminist who, at the end of the day, still wants and needs love just like the rest of us. So, know your role, and leave the agression to the men.
So, are you the man now?
I just want to know, if you made the first move, and you're satisfied with it, are you now going to lead him around for the rest of the relationship? Will you pick him up for the first date? Doubt it.
Are you ready to pick up the tab for the evening? Pull out his chair, etc. Forgive the facetiousness, but I seriously doubt it. You will soon grow tired of taking the lead and making the decisions. But hell, you've already set the precedent. Gotta be consistent, right? Is that not what we want from them?
Is he that into you?
Ladies, if you made the decision for the man, to place yourself in his life, how do you know if he is even interested? He may be down for the ride initially, but what will really come from you having initiated the courtship? You may feel confident and sure of yourself, but at this point, he certainly isn't. You know that men can easily become insecure when their man hood is threatened. And easily confused when you take away what they are most certain of. Furthermore, if he was not interested in approaching you, then let him stay that way. Is it really worthwhile to force him into feeling you?
Ladies and gentlemen, just so we're clear, this article is for women that are seriously considering a relationship with the gentleman they approach, not just harmless flirting. Please comment and discuss. I'm really interested to hear your responses!
Colette on September 30, 2020:
My young partner approached me first three years ago, he had nothing to offer except his huge heart and lovely self...my younger sister met her guy recently on a dating app like me, but is not working out and he is not messaging...he is same age as her, but she does not live with him and only sees him in the weekend...love is not part time, is living together and putting up with each other...the guys I had approached previously were no good and not worthy of my attention and lovely self...I would have been seen as desperate and needy being a older divorced woman living with too of my girls' at the time , so my choices were limited...had seen a few young men before him, and even though they had nothing, they were very loving and kind and seemed to enjoy my company and be amazed i actually bothered with them, men my age or older just used me and didn't appreciate 'me' simple. My sister has worked her whole life and made good money, but when separated lost a lot in the separation, she might have been happier just being like me and letting him support her, and moving in with him, or vice versa, but today she is lonely and desperate and her work does keep her going, but she has paid the ultimate price for her independence....no guy will put up with this, a man wants to support you and look after you no matter what the age, and be with you under the same roof, and hang out with his buddies once a week like mine does, have a break and come back to you, when he misses you. The bottom line is since the beginning of time men have approached women....when is the other way round....my sister has actually had worst luck with men than me, but I have been through a lot also, raped more than once...battered, bruised (ex) mental abuse never goes, you just have to learn to cope with it like I do....my guy is not perfect but he has qualities have been looking for in a guy for many years....I have learned to try to not be to needy...and to be happy within myself, and now we are better than ever....three years so far...sometimes being less well off make you closer.....my mum and sister have money but no real love or happiness in their life...money cannot get you everything,....
Ian Stuart Robertson from London England on October 31, 2019:
Right at the time of the Women's Liberation movement making inroads into society, a classmate in college took me aside to talk about this very topic.
She'd come back from just having children and intended to have more. What she told me was that the female students had been talking about me and that I needed to have relationships explained to me. YOU'VE JUST GOT TO FACE THE FACTS she said. That was my first lesson in not giving women unwanted attention.
Ian Stuart Robertson from London England on October 23, 2019:
It is also a good idea for males to not get fresh with a Lady either !
Ian Stuart Robertson from London England on October 18, 2019:
I've had my share of bad luck on the dating scene and would really like to attract a girl friend.
Ian Stuart Robertson from London England on October 17, 2019:
It is a Woman's prerogative to change her mind.
Paul on June 18, 2019:
When a guy approaches a woman, he really doesn’t know what situation he's attempting to ingratiate himself into. That woman he's approaching could be involved with someone else, mentally unstable, and/or just want to play games, so it’s a waste of time."
And it's also potentially dangerous. Men need to extremely wary of false accusations of harassment, etc. No matter what actually happens, women are believed, men are not, and men can easily lose everything just for giving a lady a polite smile and a friendly hello from a safe distance across a room or across the street.
Elle Johns on March 27, 2019:
I’m 29 and I learned my lesson to NEVER approach a man. I used to approach men because men never approach me unless they are literally crackheads, homeless, extremely rude by calling me a “bitch” or saying something inappropriate about my body, or some kind of drunkard, so I tried to approach men expecting a different result and I was wrong.
Ladies don’t believe people when they tell you that you need to look a certain way for men to approach you. Women know they’re approached by the same type of men (crackhead, jerks, drunks) I aforementioned no matter what vibes they give off, so there no such thing as looking unapproachable.
When you approach a man, you really don’t know what situation you’re attempting to ingratiate your into. That man you’re approaching could be involved with someone else, mentally unstable, and/or just want to play games, so it’s a waste of time.
I approached my ex in 2014 (no he wasn’t a thug, I’m not into that, he was a normal college educated guy from a two parent household) and basically played the role of second mother to him (cleaning up after him, setting his dr appointments, ironing/washing his clothes) helped him upgrade his professional life and expanded his worldly knowledge. Yet, he still refused to grow up and got my car stolen (whilst buying himself a new car and not helping me pay for my car repairs) and I broke up with him in 2017. Earlier in 2019, I approached a man who told me he was single and spent a lot of time with me, then I found out he had a girlfriend, ladies, please never approach a man.
Online dating is worse, ladies, if you approach a man online, he’s gonna assume you’re easy and will not take you seriously, if a man says that he wants to be approached online, he’s either looking for a second mother, has a girlfriend, or is trying to collect multiple women and his excuse for his behavior will be “well, you’re the one who approached me”.
If a man doesn’t approach you it’s not because you’re unapproachable, no matter if he wants to admit it or not, he just not into you and it’s okay to not be everyone’s cup of tea.
Men are supposed to approach women or else it won’t work. Men have to initiate the contact and relationship or else it won’t work and you will end up looking thirsty and feeling dumb.
Men will say they want a confident woman to approach them, but that’s a lie and he won’t treat her as well as a woman that HE CHOSE to approach. If a man wants me to approach him I’m gonna assume he expects me to get down on one knee to propose as well. A relationship only works if a man likes a woman more than the woman likes the man, I’ve experienced this firsthand.
I will never approach a man ever again and if that means I’ll be single for the rest of my life then so be it, I learned my lesson to not play the part of a fool.
Perry Rose on March 25, 2019:
What a dumbass article.
Practically all men like to be approached.
Quality, mature men, that is.
And if she likes to be treated as an equal, she should approach also.
Do it ladies! We'd love you to!
Anonymous on December 13, 2018:
Majority female in poll: I'm a woman that would never approach a man.
Majority male in poll: I'm a man that would be excited for a woman to approach me.
This disconnect between the two should f-ing scare people!
anonymous on October 30, 2018:
Jesus, you sound extremely sexist. And then you have women who think like you who make stupid comments like "Where are all the good men at?"
What if he's CRAZY? DERANGED??
I can say the exact same thing about women. So, should men stop approaching women then?
Let a man be a man!
Again, this has to do with the type of person you are. Those are the type of comments women who claim to let their men "be a men", but walk all over him when they have the chance.
You look desperate.
This only happens when women get rejected, and decide to cross-examine a man on why he rejected her.
So, are you the man now?
You are again being extremely sexist. I bet you also never pay the bill. Cause hey, "you aren't the men." Ironically these type of women often don't want to be stay at home moms, who take care of the kids, and cook and clean. If you want to gender-stereotype, then why don't you give up your career. Let the man be the only one who makes money. And you do all the chores at home. It's also quite funny that women like you kinda annoy men. The ones who fail to actually ever make a decision.
He: "Where do you want to eat?"
She: "I don't know..."
Is he that into you?
Again, I could say the same thing about men. Is she a golddigger? She may be down for the ride initially, but what will really come from you having initiated the courtship?
I'm quite happy that I am not in a relationship with a women like you. Because your thoughts reek hypocrisy. You need to get off your high horse. But I bet that there are enough desperate men who wouldn't mind dating such a hypocrite as you.
Mike on September 26, 2018:
To be fair, it seems like this article was written just before the whole me too thing and so the social climate was a bit different than it is now. However, as it stands right now(Sept. 2018)it is not a good idea for a man to approach a woman pretty much anywhere(except maybe online and even that could be problematic). I say this because men are more or less in a no win situation these days so that as soon as they open their mouths pretty much anything they say could be construed as some sort of harassment especially by the wrong woman. So with that in mind it's probably best for both men and women if women were the ones to approach men. That way the man probably won't be offended or accuse her of any wrong doing in fact he would probably welcome it. Being how women are often much more subtle and less aggressive than men it's not like her opening comment would be intimidating or imply anything. It's just that the very first move(even a simple hello. how are you which is still the first comment)should be made by a woman especially these days. The scales are tipped the ball is in the woman's court. Sorry ladies but that's how it has to be. Trust me we're not all bad guys.
Tiggy on September 15, 2018:
Absolutely , always and forever. You are right!
Ellie on September 04, 2018:
Damn right , I gotta say I agree to all you said .
Evan on June 11, 2018:
I think it is a damn good idea that men should be the ones to start a conversation or what might not be a conversation with a women, and here's why. Men who are not all that attractive should approach women who don't get approached at bars who are left out of the picture. These types of men should be like clint Eastwood and tower over everyone like true men with their pride, their ego and their dignity and put all that to essential use. Hopefully these kinds of men can one day get married with this girl get married and have three kids and live in a type of semi seclusion from the wrongdoings of society that does not care about these kinds of people ie the ones who are not attractive. I always think to myself how immasculated I would be if I was in a group of guys and I was passed over and preferenced by girls for these other men so that's why I try to do the same for other women who do not get approached by men. I am sick and fucking tired of hearing other men complain about how women don't approach men and that they should no it is the man's job to do that like I do believe on some levels how itis the mans job to protect women from various evils of the world the same evils that might affects that man quite possibly. The thought of me being preferenced by girls for other guys particularly in a bar emmasculates the hell out of me that's why I devote my pride and my ego quite possibly my male ego towards helping and protecting girls who do not get any attention in bars at all. There that's my male ego in a shell for you.
Lily on May 08, 2018:
Hi, I totally agree with you 100%.
I am a strong, pretty, confident woman. Let's the real man does his roll. Don't take over. Simple and straight.
anonymous on May 05, 2018:
Thanks Mike from 4 months ago. I'm 56 and a friend on my Facebook page has noted that he is single with his phone...we were in the same group in high school...soooo long ago.. suddenly he appeared on my FB feed and I have realised we have so much in common. I'm not really one to approach men. I can't seem to stop thinking about this man. I was so bruised from my last relationship. Although now it's been almost 3 years..I think I'm ready to move on. Still unsure about even saying hello.
glynn on April 28, 2018:
I think for as long as life been, women in general don't approach a man because they know that from nature a women has what can please a man and she knows that a man should made the first move. After all, a man is in more of need for a lrelationship rather than a women. Over and over again, you see men approaching women, that is, for a relationship to start. If men stop approaching women, you will probably have very few relationship, hardly in kids or families. Women don't care, they are all for how they think about not approaching a man, as I mentioned above.