I've heard it before...
It's the 21 century! Gender roles don't exist anymore! Women can play the role of men! Okay, perhaps you're right. But why would you want to? I'm all for women's rights, trust. I have had infinitely more opportunities than my grandmother or even my mother had, due to the courage of women who fought for our civil rights.
However, while our mothers and our grandmothers didn't have the opportunities we have, they did have something going for them. They well understood their role! And no, not in the kitchen, barefoot and pregnant. I mean, humble, meek, strong, not pushy, passive, yet passionate.
Hence, when a woman sees an attractive man, she should hold back from approaching him. She is the crown jewel. The man should come and seek his prize!
What if he's CRAZY? DERANGED??
This reason is for giggles, but is still grounds for serious thought. Let's say you see this hottie across the way. He's got the entire package: heightened stature, darkened complexion, toned physique. Whew! You decide to quit with the BS! 'I'm a good catch too!' you think to yourself. He needs a woman like me in his life. So you step to him. He is humbled when you speak first. He laughs it off and seems almost embarrassed by your action. When you ask him for the digits, he rattles them off. You walk away because that's the only thing left to do. You call, he answers. You go out, he's cool. Then, one day, you find out he has baby momma drama, a reposessed car, a foreclosed home, plus, he's just plain CRAZY!
Now, look back. Don't you wish you hadn't said a mumbling word?
Let a man be a man!
I know that's difficult sometimes. Because, for one, men don't always know how to be men (can I get an AMEN!). But that's okay. You need to let them learn. Don't be their mother. Don't attempt to teach them. And check this: if he's the right kind of man. I'm talkin about the man you need, then guess what? He's already got his mind's gears grinding up a way to snag you girl! He's just patiently seeking the right opportunity.
You look desperate.
Sorry. But in my years of existence (won't age myself just yet) I have never seen a woman approach a man and not seem like one of 3 things:
Maybe you've got the testicular fortitude of a Samantha Jones. Now she could pull it off. But if your goal is not to wind up doing the horizontal hokey pokey at the end of the night, then you're not Sam at all. You're probably more of a Miranda Hobbs. An eternal feminist who, at the end of the day, still wants and needs love just like the rest of us. So, know your role, and leave the agression to the men.
So, are you the man now?
I just want to know, if you made the first move, and you're satisfied with it, are you now going to lead him around for the rest of the relationship? Will you pick him up for the first date? Doubt it.
Are you ready to pick up the tab for the evening? Pull out his chair, etc. Forgive the facetiousness, but I seriously doubt it. You will soon grow tired of taking the lead and making the decisions. But hell, you've already set the precedent. Gotta be consistent, right? Is that not what we want from them?
Is he that into you?
Ladies, if you made the decision for the man, to place yourself in his life, how do you know if he is even interested? He may be down for the ride initially, but what will really come from you having initiated the courtship? You may feel confident and sure of yourself, but at this point, he certainly isn't. You know that men can easily become insecure when their man hood is threatened. And easily confused when you take away what they are most certain of. Furthermore, if he was not interested in approaching you, then let him stay that way. Is it really worthwhile to force him into feeling you?
Ladies and gentlemen, just so we're clear, this article is for women that are seriously considering a relationship with the gentleman they approach, not just harmless flirting. Please comment and discuss. I'm really interested to hear your responses!
Colette on September 30, 2020:
My young partner approached me first three years ago, he had nothing to offer except his huge heart and lovely self...my younger sister met her guy recently on a dating app like me, but is not working out and he is not messaging...he is same age as her, but she does not live with him and only sees him in the weekend...love is not part time, is living together and putting up with each other...the guys I had approached previously were no good and not worthy of my attention and lovely self...I would have been seen as desperate and needy being a older divorced woman living with too of my girls' at the time , so my choices were limited...had seen a few young men before him, and even though they had nothing, they were very loving and kind and seemed to enjoy my company and be amazed i actually bothered with them, men my age or older just used me and didn't appreciate 'me' simple. My sister has worked her whole life and made good money, but when separated lost a lot in the separation, she might have been happier just being like me and letting him support her, and moving in with him, or vice versa, but today she is lonely and desperate and her work does keep her going, but she has paid the ultimate price for her independence....no guy will put up with this, a man wants to support you and look after you no matter what the age, and be with you under the same roof, and hang out with his buddies once a week like mine does, have a break and come back to you, when he misses you. The bottom line is since the beginning of time men have approached women....when is the other way round....my sister has actually had worst luck with men than me, but I have been through a lot also, raped more than once...battered, bruised (ex) mental abuse never goes, you just have to learn to cope with it like I do....my guy is not perfect but he has qualities have been looking for in a guy for many years....I have learned to try to not be to needy...and to be happy within myself, and now we are better than ever....three years so far...sometimes being less well off make you closer.....my mum and sister have money but no real love or happiness in their life...money cannot get you everything,....
Ian Stuart Robertson from London England on October 31, 2019:
Right at the time of the Women's Liberation movement making inroads into society, a classmate in college took me aside to talk about this very topic.
She'd come back from just having children and intended to have more. What she told me was that the female students had been talking about me and that I needed to have relationships explained to me. YOU'VE JUST GOT TO FACE THE FACTS she said. That was my first lesson in not giving women unwanted attention.
Ian Stuart Robertson from London England on October 23, 2019:
It is also a good idea for males to not get fresh with a Lady either !
Ian Stuart Robertson from London England on October 18, 2019:
I've had my share of bad luck on the dating scene and would really like to attract a girl friend.
Ian Stuart Robertson from London England on October 17, 2019:
It is a Woman's prerogative to change her mind.
Paul on June 18, 2019:
When a guy approaches a woman, he really doesn’t know what situation he's attempting to ingratiate himself into. That woman he's approaching could be involved with someone else, mentally unstable, and/or just want to play games, so it’s a waste of time."
And it's also potentially dangerous. Men need to extremely wary of false accusations of harassment, etc. No matter what actually happens, women are believed, men are not, and men can easily lose everything just for giving a lady a polite smile and a friendly hello from a safe distance across a room or across the street.
Elle Johns on March 27, 2019:
I’m 29 and I learned my lesson to NEVER approach a man. I used to approach men because men never approach me unless they are literally crackheads, homeless, extremely rude by calling me a “bitch” or saying something inappropriate about my body, or some kind of drunkard, so I tried to approach men expecting a different result and I was wrong.
Ladies don’t believe people when they tell you that you need to look a certain way for men to approach you. Women know they’re approached by the same type of men (crackhead, jerks, drunks) I aforementioned no matter what vibes they give off, so there no such thing as looking unapproachable.
When you approach a man, you really don’t know what situation you’re attempting to ingratiate your into. That man you’re approaching could be involved with someone else, mentally unstable, and/or just want to play games, so it’s a waste of time.
I approached my ex in 2014 (no he wasn’t a thug, I’m not into that, he was a normal college educated guy from a two parent household) and basically played the role of second mother to him (cleaning up after him, setting his dr appointments, ironing/washing his clothes) helped him upgrade his professional life and expanded his worldly knowledge. Yet, he still refused to grow up and got my car stolen (whilst buying himself a new car and not helping me pay for my car repairs) and I broke up with him in 2017. Earlier in 2019, I approached a man who told me he was single and spent a lot of time with me, then I found out he had a girlfriend, ladies, please never approach a man.
Online dating is worse, ladies, if you approach a man online, he’s gonna assume you’re easy and will not take you seriously, if a man says that he wants to be approached online, he’s either looking for a second mother, has a girlfriend, or is trying to collect multiple women and his excuse for his behavior will be “well, you’re the one who approached me”.
If a man doesn’t approach you it’s not because you’re unapproachable, no matter if he wants to admit it or not, he just not into you and it’s okay to not be everyone’s cup of tea.
Men are supposed to approach women or else it won’t work. Men have to initiate the contact and relationship or else it won’t work and you will end up looking thirsty and feeling dumb.
Men will say they want a confident woman to approach them, but that’s a lie and he won’t treat her as well as a woman that HE CHOSE to approach. If a man wants me to approach him I’m gonna assume he expects me to get down on one knee to propose as well. A relationship only works if a man likes a woman more than the woman likes the man, I’ve experienced this firsthand.
I will never approach a man ever again and if that means I’ll be single for the rest of my life then so be it, I learned my lesson to not play the part of a fool.
Perry Rose on March 25, 2019:
What a dumbass article.
Practically all men like to be approached.
Quality, mature men, that is.
And if she likes to be treated as an equal, she should approach also.
Do it ladies! We'd love you to!
Anonymous on December 13, 2018:
Majority female in poll: I'm a woman that would never approach a man.
Majority male in poll: I'm a man that would be excited for a woman to approach me.
This disconnect between the two should f-ing scare people!
anonymous on October 30, 2018:
Jesus, you sound extremely sexist. And then you have women who think like you who make stupid comments like "Where are all the good men at?"
What if he's CRAZY? DERANGED??
I can say the exact same thing about women. So, should men stop approaching women then?
Let a man be a man!
Again, this has to do with the type of person you are. Those are the type of comments women who claim to let their men "be a men", but walk all over him when they have the chance.
You look desperate.
This only happens when women get rejected, and decide to cross-examine a man on why he rejected her.
So, are you the man now?
You are again being extremely sexist. I bet you also never pay the bill. Cause hey, "you aren't the men." Ironically these type of women often don't want to be stay at home moms, who take care of the kids, and cook and clean. If you want to gender-stereotype, then why don't you give up your career. Let the man be the only one who makes money. And you do all the chores at home. It's also quite funny that women like you kinda annoy men. The ones who fail to actually ever make a decision.
He: "Where do you want to eat?"
She: "I don't know..."
Is he that into you?
Again, I could say the same thing about men. Is she a golddigger? She may be down for the ride initially, but what will really come from you having initiated the courtship?
I'm quite happy that I am not in a relationship with a women like you. Because your thoughts reek hypocrisy. You need to get off your high horse. But I bet that there are enough desperate men who wouldn't mind dating such a hypocrite as you.
Mike on September 26, 2018:
To be fair, it seems like this article was written just before the whole me too thing and so the social climate was a bit different than it is now. However, as it stands right now(Sept. 2018)it is not a good idea for a man to approach a woman pretty much anywhere(except maybe online and even that could be problematic). I say this because men are more or less in a no win situation these days so that as soon as they open their mouths pretty much anything they say could be construed as some sort of harassment especially by the wrong woman. So with that in mind it's probably best for both men and women if women were the ones to approach men. That way the man probably won't be offended or accuse her of any wrong doing in fact he would probably welcome it. Being how women are often much more subtle and less aggressive than men it's not like her opening comment would be intimidating or imply anything. It's just that the very first move(even a simple hello. how are you which is still the first comment)should be made by a woman especially these days. The scales are tipped the ball is in the woman's court. Sorry ladies but that's how it has to be. Trust me we're not all bad guys.
Tiggy on September 15, 2018:
Absolutely , always and forever. You are right!
Ellie on September 04, 2018:
Damn right , I gotta say I agree to all you said .
Evan on June 11, 2018:
I think it is a damn good idea that men should be the ones to start a conversation or what might not be a conversation with a women, and here's why. Men who are not all that attractive should approach women who don't get approached at bars who are left out of the picture. These types of men should be like clint Eastwood and tower over everyone like true men with their pride, their ego and their dignity and put all that to essential use. Hopefully these kinds of men can one day get married with this girl get married and have three kids and live in a type of semi seclusion from the wrongdoings of society that does not care about these kinds of people ie the ones who are not attractive. I always think to myself how immasculated I would be if I was in a group of guys and I was passed over and preferenced by girls for these other men so that's why I try to do the same for other women who do not get approached by men. I am sick and fucking tired of hearing other men complain about how women don't approach men and that they should no it is the man's job to do that like I do believe on some levels how itis the mans job to protect women from various evils of the world the same evils that might affects that man quite possibly. The thought of me being preferenced by girls for other guys particularly in a bar emmasculates the hell out of me that's why I devote my pride and my ego quite possibly my male ego towards helping and protecting girls who do not get any attention in bars at all. There that's my male ego in a shell for you.
Lily on May 08, 2018:
Hi, I totally agree with you 100%.
I am a strong, pretty, confident woman. Let's the real man does his roll. Don't take over. Simple and straight.
anonymous on May 05, 2018:
Thanks Mike from 4 months ago. I'm 56 and a friend on my Facebook page has noted that he is single with his phone...we were in the same group in high school...soooo long ago.. suddenly he appeared on my FB feed and I have realised we have so much in common. I'm not really one to approach men. I can't seem to stop thinking about this man. I was so bruised from my last relationship. Although now it's been almost 3 years..I think I'm ready to move on. Still unsure about even saying hello.
glynn on April 28, 2018:
I think for as long as life been, women in general don't approach a man because they know that from nature a women has what can please a man and she knows that a man should made the first move. After all, a man is in more of need for a lrelationship rather than a women. Over and over again, you see men approaching women, that is, for a relationship to start. If men stop approaching women, you will probably have very few relationship, hardly in kids or families. Women don't care, they are all for how they think about not approaching a man, as I mentioned above.
Me on April 18, 2018:
35 years ago, a very attractive woman approached me in a nightclub, introduced herself and within 10 minutes told me she had a boyfriend but they had an open relationship and saw other people. Would I like to come back to her house?
I had to say no as I had a girlfriend at the time but I was so impressed with her straightforward honesty and openness that I had to tell her as much. I couldn't stop thinking about her over the next couple of months.
Well, you've guessed the rest of the story. We've been together for 35 years, have 2 happy, healthy, successful sons and hopefully will finish our time on Earth still together.
You can call my wife pushy, desperate and/or aggressive but you've never met her. I have and she is honest, straight forward and secure in herself as a person.
That's what men look for.
Jeanne on April 12, 2018:
Amen. Well said...males need a target to attain...are you worth the hunt? Then let him come after you.
I have never initiated with a male, nor will I begin doing so even though I might REALLY like him. I know my role.
John on April 06, 2018:
You only need one reason not to approach me. I don't like you, I don't want you, and you will be harshly rejected. There is nothing positive a woman can add to a man's life. We are much better off ignoring and avoiding them.
Mike on December 15, 2017:
The first example is flawed and here's why. A guy could be crazy and approach you. Him being crazy has nothing to do with whether you approach him or vice versa. Crazy is crazy. I've heard that argument before and it's not a good one. Apparently there has been studies that show a woman get's a better deal when she picks the man. Why settle for who happens to approach you. I say go for what you want regardless of gender. In this day and age with sexual harassment and what not it's actually probably better for a woman to approach a man. Women are often on the defensive. I think it's better for both men and women if more women approached. I know a lot of guys will back me up on this too. Only the insecure and immature guys can't handle a woman approaching him. More women should have the confidence to do it. If she does she scores points for believing in herself(and for having good taste). ;)
And The Real Truth Is on November 16, 2017:
Well unfortunately this is a very totally different time today which it does really take two to tango now. And most of the women are very nasty when many of us men will approach them which has become so very dangerous now to approach a woman that we would really love to meet. Women today are nothing at all like the good old days when finding real love was very easy at that time since most women were very approachable back then. Like i just had mentioned that today is a very different story altogether since approaching women for many of us men isn't a good idea at all, and most of the time women will be very nasty to us good innocent men and Mouth Off to us since i had this happened to me already. And even friends that i know had it happened to them as well, which just goes to show you how many Psycho women that are all over the place unfortunately today which is very scary for us men that are really looking for love now. Women have really changed for the Worst of all nowadays compared to the old days which it never would've been no trouble at all meeting a good woman back then. So good luck for many of us men looking to settle down now since we really have No Reason at all to Blame ourselves in the first place.
Ct on November 08, 2017:
Crowned jewel? Yes gender roles exist. It's life. However men are prizes too. It's easy to hide behind the concept of men definitely being the aggressor. Especially when it guards you from rejection or any possible outcome of failure. Essentially you get to save face and walk away unscathed if it doesn't workout. Maybe sometimes it's ok to show interest. If he's interested, he'll take it from there. There should be no negative connotation if that were to happen. But somebody has to tale that "L." God forbid it's the woman right.
Pinky Maloka on September 08, 2017:
Wow this really made me realize that i should be a woman and stop acting like a desperate girl who is hungry for love......
miss moyi on August 10, 2017:
let the man be agressive? herm...don't approach me then! i don't like agressive males!
Laila D'Souza on May 03, 2017:
I actually approached a guy, just sent him my number in a piece of paper. I know he was interested in me and so was I , but I started or tried to start something! Now he makes me feel like I'm a slut and I do the with every guy around the corner. It embarrasses me a lot. Should I have not done it? Should I have not approached?
Azzy on January 28, 2017:
Everything in this article are what men encounter daily tryna get a woman he wants. Nothing is wrong if for once we get to be the approached. The reason yall don't approach is the same reason why men approach (egos).
MaryGH on June 21, 2016:
Thanks Louis and Ennis - am happily married and childfree for 15 years now.
Louis on June 14, 2016:
A woman who doesn't approach a guy she's interested runs the risk of never getting the guy she deserves. If women want equality they'll need to drop the traditional perspective.
MaryGH...honestly with that perspective you'll never keep a man. Love is about mutual appreciation and mutual respect. Not entitlement.
T.Y. Smith on December 04, 2014:
Very interesting comments to an article I agree with. It's not an accident that 'the universe' put 'The Rules' book in my hands 20 years ago yet I saw women who were able to talk with men without being aggressive and be more successful than I. Bottom line for me? If a man doesn't initiate a relationship to be in his life, he's not ready for one. I can't imagine what it is like to be a man and have to deal with so many threats of various kinds (abuse, stalker, etc). I hear a lot of tough exterior ego voices and not a lot of heart. People have been pretty beat up by the opposite sex so my passion is it honor the authentic masculine soul. In essence: masculinity initiates; femininity responds. Neither is more 'precious' than the other (men are crowned jewels, too). I hope to strike a balance on this topic since I'm seeing love on my horizon. Ego says to not make the first move. Heart says be nice and treat him with respect and patience without emasculating him. I choose the high road of wishing them well in attitude and action without devaluing myself in the process. Quit a tight rope. It doesn't have to be one or the other. Love is under serious assault here as expressed through men who prefer casual sex over intimacy. I think Sean in 'Good Will Hunting' made a good point: when you love someone more than yourself (and your goal of self-preservation) you have truly loved :). May we all outgrow fear and learn to love others; romantic partners or otherwise, a little more in 2015..
ennis on August 11, 2014:
Ms. MaryGH - Yeah, how dare a man believe that his love is just as 'PRECIOUS" as a woman's. Just what has he been drinking ( or smoking?) to think that he is equal? Unbelievable!
Homer on July 11, 2014:
Here we go.....
MaryGH on April 28, 2014:
Excellent article! Like the old proverb goes: "It is easier for a man to earn a paycheck than to earn a woman's love." And a woman's love, precious as it is, has to be earned. It is not something to be given away to those who have not earned it.
Mark on April 21, 2014:
I am a nice looking guy,financially independent and I get asked out by women all the time.And I always give the same response.....NOOOOOO! Why do I say no? Simple really.Self Preservation.If I did choose to go out with her she might turn out to be a whack job.I might have to yell at her and tell her what a moron she is.She will call the cops and I get charged with "verbal assault".I might go to give her a kiss on the cheek and she screams "sexual assault" and I get charged.What if I went over to her house and she was angry at me for whatever reason.She can dial 911 and report a "false domestic violence"charge against me.She might be a single mother(UGH!!) and report a "false child abuse" charge against me.Is this worth it?......NO WAY! Today's "modern women" are nothing more than "PREDATORS".There is a saying in the business world...."If it flies,floats or f***s...it is always cheaper to rent".Truer words have never been spoken.Save yourself the BS gentlemen.Paid sex is much cheaper than free sex...and it is not free! The best thing a man can do with today's "modern women" is avoid them like the plague! They are not worth the time,money or trouble.Go Your Own Way!
hypocrisy much? on January 26, 2014:
just like to point out that the name of this blog is 'find a way or make one' so either the author is misinformed about what that sentiment entails or is just a moron
Steve on November 14, 2013:
This is so BULLSHIT!!! I've been told by plenty women that I'm a very good looking guy and have dealt with many woman in my life and have approached ALL of them. I'm also able to notice when a girl is interested in me and I have to say the way they act is immature and childish. They will stare, get as close as possible, fluff there hair in my face... Anything but just say hi. GET OVER YOURSELVES!!!! Your vagina isn't some sacred gift from god and stop acting like your sexual favors is the most coveted thing in the world. I feel like all the excuses women come up with are just scapegoats because there comfortable in there position as the pursued. They are way too afraid to put there neck on the line for once. They expect certain social practices to be done away with but want to keep the ones that are convenient for them such as in the dating scene. Talk about sexism....I'm happy to say that a lot of men are waking up and seeing this bullshit double standard for what it is
Dave on October 25, 2013:
WTF? - Thank you so much for enlightening Ms. Bo Delicious about the many women who asked men out on first dates and ended up in very happy marriages to men who just do not approach women at all.
There are sites where men like this get called "whiny" and "inferior" for making certain that the women show interest in THEM. For whatever reasons, women are against that.
A Confident Woman on September 30, 2013:
I'm just .. so appaled with this! We live in a post feminist World; women are free to do what they want in the western world! If we all fear getting judged by every single action we take.. Well, maybe we should rid our lives of said people that wants to keep us Down like that! This is nothing but deeply sexist and is designed to form men a certain way.
If I like a man, I will go say hi to him! For I am a confident, feminine woman! I'm mature enough to not fall for the obvious rotten apples, and also responsible enough to take charge in my own life!
WTF? on July 07, 2013:
@Bo Delicious didn't you just read what those women said about approaching men and how happy their lives are? Didn't you just read that men are impressed by women who do so? Everything you just typed is, garbage! How is a woman lacking confidence when she bites the bullet and says, OK I'm going to do this. Sounds confident and brave to me. Do you even know what confidence means? Men love creativity and surprises from women. It's like wow, this woman approached me, she picked me outta of the other men here, is she the one I'm destined to be with? I guess it is true, some women think that just because they MIGHT give us vagina, that were supposed to do everything for them like they deserve it because they have a vagina.
Good luck in your relationships lady.
Bo Delicious on June 30, 2013:
women should not approach men, they should send signals to let
men know that they want that man to get on them. and it's up to the
woman to be creative, by nature women are creative. if you go look at hookers, they just stand there. they don't approach but they get paid at the end of the night. however, the quality of man may not be top shop.
if you a top quality woman and want a top quality man to approach you, be confident about yourself and do not approach him. if he don't approach you and he walks away or approaches another woman, don't feel heart broken or crushed. continue having confidence about yourself. when any woman approach a man, that shows a lack in confidence. but when a man approaches a woman, that shows affirmation in confidence. confidence is the key to the game. you lack confidence you will lose, plain and simple.
a woman's confidence in her self, in her beauty, is attractive to men and to get the man you want, all you have to do is let him set eyes on you, you don't even have to make eye contact, just walk by him without making eye contact and he will be thinking about you so much, even when he's at home, even when he lay his head to sleep
Jim on June 22, 2013:
To Kim, i am a straight man that certainly would wish for a woman to approach me for a change. it is just my luck to meet so many mean and nasty women today, especially the ones with the very bad attitude problems. then again, i know other men that have the same problem too. i guess you can say God blesses certain people, and punishes people like us. it is very normal for many of us straight men that want so much to find the right woman for us to share a life with, and now with so many Gay Women out there nowadays that does add to the problem.
Kim on May 29, 2013:
I approached a gorgeous man many years ago in a club, asked him to dance. I had never done it before but I was just DRAWN to him. He was surprised but happy and at the end of the night he asked for my number. We have now been together for more than 23 years and married for 18, two gorgeous kids and very happy, cannot imagine life any other way. Listen to your heart not a silly article on the web ;)
I love the comments Adam made a few before mine, spot on Adam.
Erica on May 21, 2013:
Easily one of the dumbest articles I've read in some time.
Kevin on May 16, 2013:
I'm so glad to know that I am not the only guy who see the hypocrisy in this article.
Adam on May 06, 2013:
This is about the most retarded thing I've ever read in my life. Women on this site -- let me break it down for you very simply:
1) Guys will ALWAYS be impressed by a woman who approaches them because it honestly never happens. EVER.
I have been told by many women that I am very good looking and charming, and I'm also quite intelligent. Yet I can count on one hand the number of times a woman has approached me, and I'm 31 years old! Literally every time it has happened, even if I weren't interested, I told them how awesome I though it was they actually did it.
2) If the guy doesn't respond to you the way you had hoped, HE ISN'T INTERESTED! He may have a girlfriend, or you're maybe just not his type. Does it seem cruel? Welcome to one day in man's world.
Most guys find the gender roles incredibly biased towards women when it comes to dating, and find it incomprehensibly cruel that they're always supposed to take the lead, because rejection isn't fun, and men are expected to face it head on, whereas women have the luxury of choosing among their options.
At the very worst, a man will at least appreciate the effort, even if he isn't interested, because again it is honestly so rare.
In short, any woman who takes the above advice is quite honestly doing themselves a huge disservice.
phil on April 29, 2013:
dumbest thing I've ever wasted my time reading.
vibesites from United States on April 24, 2013:
I haven't directly approached a guy or made a first move yet, and I won't; I don't want to come off as desperate. And I don't need to. LOL. Well, to each her own, I guess.
Kiki on April 24, 2013:
Pffft, "don't ask a guy out". How stupid. I'm marrying the guy I asked out in a few months, and I have never felt so sure a man loved me. Don't be a troll.
Jay on April 11, 2013:
it would be very nice to have a woman approach us for a change, and it is very true that when we will approach them that they will be very nasty to us and walk away. very hard for us men out there trying to meet a good woman nowadays, especially hoping that it will lead into a relationship. it was certainly much easier years ago, and both men and women were very committed to one another too. i wish that i had been born a lot sooner, then i could have avoided this mess today and most likely would had a family of my own with a good wife as well. now going out and dealing with all the games that most of the women are playing makes it much more difficult since they do really have a very serious attitude problem, and just walk away when we try to talk too them.
getupanddance on April 10, 2013:
I approached a guy and at least I understand what men have to go through now. I didn’t feel manly while doing it, at all, I just felt more insecure than I ever have! I’m shy, not ugly, and know that I am hard to approach because of my personality disorder. Every time I’m attracted to a man I blush and can’t talk. I really wanted to go out with a guy, so I tried to woman-up to let him know I was interested. He wasn’t interested. I don’t feel too bad about it, interestingly enough. I’m glad I tried. Like someone else said, are you going to sit around and never know? I’d rather know & move on than stay trapped inside in a fantasy world like I have been. I have done a lot of searching through this experience, and I’m not desperate at all. I’m socially inadequate, but I’m learning. I’m proud to say, I’m not so afraid to try to go for it next time.
Equality on April 10, 2013:
That means no gender roles. Men don't like it when they get rejected and feel anxiety, so why would we do it in the first place. I'm a guy and I think I'm a good one and I can have the same mentality of: "Well, I'm the crown jewl, why should I go seek. Let them come to me." I don't want to feel bad about myself being rejected, so I don't want to seek. I just wanna walk in the bar/club and having a dick meaning exactly the same thing as having a vagina. I want a sense of equality in men approaching women and women approaching men. It's the 21st century. Women can't have the privileges of the past and the rights of today, okay? It's one or the other.
TheTruth on April 07, 2013:
women are totally different today than they were years ago, and there are just too many very unfriendly women nowadays that will make all kind of excuses when we approach them. they seem to have so much drama with them as it is, and many of them are just so impossible to talk too. years ago, women were much more educated than now.
NeoN on April 04, 2013:
Full support to wizard's message!
Mark on March 26, 2013:
it would be very nice for a change to have women approach us men, since it is very hard nowadays for us good men looking to meet a good woman for us and have a relationship too. the times back then were certainly much different than today, and it definitely was much easier meeting women years ago than now. and the women of today have become so very hard to start a normal conversation with, and play so very hard to get.
Daniel on March 09, 2013:
I might think this is a combination of several things.
first of all i want to say i have been lucky enough for girls to approach me and actually ask my number (and no they weren't desperate, they made the first move, i noticed them and then i took the lead. (see that is also a possibility) note: i never thought any of these girls was desperate, and actually found them more attractive that they weren't afraid to show interest.
now a reason why men don't approach women (for me at least and a lot of the friends i know) is that we don't know what to say, or we are afraid of rejection, of course not all women are self absorbed bitches that think they are gods but some really just want to make your life SOUR after trying to start a conversation with them, and just treat you like crap (wich i really don't understand since i feel they should be flattered that we men would walk up to THEM.
(now i have also had some nice ladies that just said oh no you are not my type or throw the i have a boyfriend card in the game i am cool with that and i think more men could live with that instead of just destroying your ego).
also what was said before is that if a man tends to be attractive to a woman they act nice and they are flattered but if he is considered ugly they tend to also ruin your reputation (by going up to their friends and saying omg this ugly dude just came up to me and actually tried having a conversation with me, i have heard it first hand from girlfriends i hung out with) and this also prevents men from going up to women as there might be a chance his reputation gets messed up if its in a social place he also knows some people.
and for all the women saying women have the lower hand in the dating game? and they get screwed over?.. i think we are at the same level, because girls can play dirty games with us men too.. (poking holes in condoms, lying about taking the anti conception, saying they got raped, divorce the man and take away a lot of his wealth, if they would get pregnant decide to keep the baby thus ruining the life of the man, also living by the rule that a man has to pay the first date? i know a lot of girls who abuse this and just say to me oh i am going on a date with this guy, so i would tell them something along the lines of oeh la la, and they would reply oh no its just because he is paying for sushi and i am hungry
in the end i just think we all just should do what we want to do.. and not do something because people tell you it should be that way. but that is of course my point of view on this.
dave on March 08, 2013:
Ms. Cedile - WOW! God forbid that you might get "off topic", but if you do not feel "practically held up" nor accepted or that women somehow have the lower hand in the dating game, then I would disagree. But maybe as Monas1418 just said, men can NEVER be the prize.
monas1418 on March 01, 2013:
I'm sorry I'm just about as independent as anyone male or female and I'm not approaching NO MAN!! for anything especially if there is an attraction. Yes, I am the prize this is how I was raised from a MANand a WOMAN who raised and instilled this in their 4 children. I do live in the 21st century but some things are just the same, just like if a man asked me on a date,he's paying not me.. basic fundamentals!!
Cedile on February 18, 2013:
lol I just re-read and whoa that sentence got messed up, sorry. Well, I meant to say that men almost always have the upper hands when it comes to dating. Their reputation isn't as much damaged as women's when both are in or out a relationship. Understand that women are more vulnerable than men, physically and emotionally. Not saying men have no feelings, no I've never said that. Also, I do not have a belief suggesting that men and women are actually equal. You see, women aren't practically upheld or accepted as men. And it isn't true that equality of sex exist, only in theory that claims that but never in the real world. Again, I'm not saying that both genders are equally capable, say, physical strength. No genders are superior or inferior but we are just built differently and we are more proficient at different things.
I'm just gonna go back to women being the weaker sex, well, do you not think that a sweet and demure girl should stride her walk approaching a guy and asking for his numbers is ridiculous? I don't really know why she shouldn't but it just doesn't look right. I mean, get real, people. If you say she should but then the others including the males just say they don't approve, they say it's a no no, it's a turn-off, and therefore girls shouldn't do it. And no matter how subtle a girl is approaching a guy, she is the one who is still doing the chase regardless.
And please don't say that women are lazy or afraid to do it, many men just don't know how much women are dying to be them so that they can ask someone out, since it's still considered inappropriate for women to just do it regardless of how modernistic a century is.
Anyway, I still think women have it a lot harder than men. And oftentimes, we can hardly protect ourselves. I don't want to go any further because I'd be off-topic but we do hear many men take advantages of women a lot like women get used for sex or get raped and stuff but rarely the other way around. So why should women chase men, seriously? Women aren't desperate then why should they, really? And why girls who sleep around get called sluts but when guys do the same thing, they don't get called names as much? (they even get praised for sleeping with so many girls, for god's sake!). While men want to boast but women have to keep it a secret and be ashamed of it, now do we get any drift here? And I'm going to finish by saying this, "Girls DO NOT have those privileges that some guys assumed we do". And I must say, nothing is fair for both genders. So stop whining and do what you're supposed to be doing, end of story.
Cedile on February 18, 2013:
Whether my crush or my object of affection will approach me or not, I couldn't careless. I mean, if he doesn't want to pursue me, another man will anyway. If anything, no man will chase me, I'm okay with that too. It's not like I'm going to die not getting in a relationship with them, is it?
Well...some men say that women are making the excuses not to approach them, so I say some men ARE now telling us women to do the chase so that they don't have to make any efforts to get the girls, take their virginity, ravish them for your own pleasure, or to get them pregnant then leave. Okay, so you're not going to have to be responsible on your part at all. And if you think it has nothing to do with evolution; how nature created men and women the way they were/are, and such, oh please guys, just do me a favor, get yourself pregnant or get menstrual cycles every month, then I, as a woman, will assure you that I'll definitely be the one to do the chase.
And regardless of some men have to say about women being lazy or too scared to pursue you men, just so you know, many other men don't share the same opinion as some of you do and they also want it that way. So stop acting like you're speaking for the entire population of your own gender!
I'm not a feminist whatsoever but at the end of the day I'd rather be happy to be a single woman than a woman who has the BALLS to approach a man and ask him out :)
dave on December 18, 2012:
Lovely Lyn - Let me see, if a young lady approaches me, and I am flattered (which I certainly would be) , and I take her out to dinner, the Knick's games, the theatre, and I pay ( because I am GLAD to have her)... I sure have her wrapped around my little finger all right!
Ana on December 18, 2012:
Findawayor makeone, with such a way of thinking, your "man" is probably both unconfident (which you'll try to deny) and secretly unhappy.
The day he'll "man up" and leave you, you'll be too old/unattractive to find anything else than a loser, maybe then you'll take a step back and realize that your vision is archaic, and absolutly doesn't fit our current world and culture.
Till then, I can't do anything but pitying your man and hoping he'll man up before marrying, which you're helping him to do.
Have a nice day.
Ana on December 18, 2012:
And that's how you find yourself too old for getting any decent man, by losing your time waiting and hoping instead of acting.
Lyn on December 13, 2012:
I totally agree....women should never approach men. Men will be flattered by it, but it also means that they now have you wrapped around their little finger. He won't have to do much to impress you throughout your time together as you chose him....he didn't choose you!
dave on November 17, 2012:
Ms. "Findawayormakeone" - I see that you also "subscribe" to the
book that says that the man must "man up" and approach, in order to be "the man". That was the "game". If this wonderful man had not come over to you, as you put it, you would never have met him and the female who showed some interest in him, minutes later, would have had him for herself.
The numbers show that men are not approaching as much anymore because of the low upside. No one is saying that your man is crazy, but he IS in the minority.
findawayormakeone (author) from Washington, DC Metro Area on November 10, 2012:
I won't lie to you all, I adore myself. And it took a very long time for me to be able to do so. So, yes. I expect a man to approach me. And a great one did approach me. While waiting for a good man to approach me, I didn't just sit around looking in the mirror at myself in my obvious "self-absorption". I actually worked on myself. Increased my intellect. Sparked my creativity by writing a blog. Immersed myself in my job to try to get promoted this year. Worked on my spirituality and prayed more.
Then, when I least expected it, he showed up. He walked into the room, saw me and knew that he wanted to approach me. And he "manned up" and did it. And I "womaned up" and took him up on his offer. Ever since then we've been inseparable. There were zero games; neither of us had to play them. There was honesty, communication.
A lot of comments here seem to be rather jaded, like some "princess" came and stomped over your heart when you least expected it. My apologies on behalf of my sex for that happening to you. But I myself deserved for my guy to come into my life. If that makes me sound self-entitled, so be it. But I prayed for this man. So I'll be basking in this for as long as I can.
Oh and he's not crazy :)
YouAreCrazy on October 28, 2012:
Your views are antiquated and ridiculous. These days, women demand equality....which is fine. But, in turn, don't expect men to have to approach you and treat you like princesses. Your double-standard makes you seem like a sexist. Men feel the same emotions as women. We fear rejection and would rather be approached as well. Don't give me that BS about how a man should "man up". How about a woman being able to "woman up"? It works both ways....but you are too full of yourself too see it. If women didn't play games, have their bitch guards up, and weren't full of drama...then maybe more men would approach women. If a woman wants a man, then she should approach him. Otherwise, she shouldn't complain about being single. Stop living in a cave. Troglodyte.
q on October 25, 2012:
looks like you were shut down hard idiot!
A on September 16, 2012:
Seriously, it’s not the renaissance period & the average single woman is not a princess. “Courting” went out long ago… same goes with having your father choose or approve a suitor. It’s time to suck it up, grow up & be an adult woman!
If you happen to like a guy, ask them out. Sure, it’s nerve wracking & scary, but why not give it a go. Guys are in the exact same boat. The idea of rejection is scary, but if you don’t put yourself out there you can’t give it a go.
Also, IMO women are too hung up on the idea of the “ideal” or “perfect” man; here’s the reality. Like you, he’s not going to be perfect & like you he’s scared shitless too. I also find that my single girlfriends are far too quick to judge men, for the most ridiculous things. Less judgement, and more “go with the flow” is needed. When you put aside judgement, preconceived ideals & silly expectations, it will be much easier to have a relationship. I just wish my single girlfriends would mellow out a bit when it comes to dating. They're all so picky & serious!!! Dating should be fun! Not about ticking off pros & cons lists!!!
I asked my husband out, despite my preconceived ideal of NOT dating a younger guy, & expectations of dating someone who was the complete opposite. It turns out that the day I stopped expecting too much, stopped comparing real men to the preconceived “husband” in my head & ignored up my ideals of him asking me out first was the best thing I ever did!
She-wolf on September 12, 2012:
What a lot of sexist nonsense. What's wrong with approaching a guy? Why should all the pressure be on him?
Lj236 on September 12, 2012:
why is making things happen, going after what you want, part of being a man? why is it a masculine trait?
ted on September 12, 2012:
t never seems to really be about their personality but looks the majority of the time
Ive seen women call guys creepy who seemed like normal guys approaching and talking to them then id aks the girl if its something said or did and she would say no he just seemed creepy
Ive never heard a girl call a good looking guy approaching her creepy and theyrs times the guy came off as a socially awkard creep..Hed probably have to ask to lick her shoes or soemthing for any creepy word to be used..
qq on September 12, 2012:
Here we again! O.K., men can play ,too! Women do not know
how to talk to men ( you are not allowed to criticize WOMEN, then
you must be punished) . Let the WOMEN make 99 approaches
to men and get one “Yes!” , and let them start a conversation and keep the focus on the man and let THEM have the self-doubt.
Oh, they don’t want to be rejected? What a great reason!
MaxwellSmart on September 12, 2012:
most of the time it isn't worth it. A lot of girls get all paranoid when a random guy approaches them and are even rude, if I wanted rudeness I'd go ask a walmart employee for help. I get better results from girls when I'm a jerk and they can't seem to get enough of it, no matter how rude I am, if I try approaching them later, they'll have a big smile on their face, opposed to a creeped out look if I'm being nice.
el,o on September 12, 2012:
Luckily for all of us, men are changing the rules and not approaching women. This means if she does not approach you,she is not interested so keep moving and she will not get the chance to meet YOU, since you are just as important.Sound familiar?
Glen Murtz on September 12, 2012:
If women want to be considered equals, maybe they should also accept the risk that comes with daring to ask without resort to games or "signals".
huh on September 12, 2012:
"women should prefer a man to be the man"
you want to please explain this offensive bullshit?
"like the protector, the caregiver, the handyman, the fixer."
oh please do tell us readers what you women regard men that don't fit this categories of life?
and women wonder were all the men are! sorry can't tell you!they made me promise!
dave on September 05, 2012:
Men take HALF the risk by approaching? You are noy only selfish, but crazy! Say anything tht you need to avoid rejection for yourself!
findawayormakeone (author) from Washington, DC Metro Area on August 07, 2012:
@No! It may be helpful if you take a look through the women's perspective. If you think of all women as shallow and obnoxious counterparts that are only interested in the Brad Pitt's of the world that don't exist in reality, then yes, men are taking on all the risk of being rejected.
If, instead, you find that real women, interested in men that can make the courageous step to separate themselves from all of the mute oglers staring from the corner of the room, truly exist, then you'll note that men are only taking half of the risk. The game is NOT as one-sided as men make it out to be. Women take on the risk of potentially being hurt by the crazies, the egoists, the players. Offended by the un-gentleman. Potentially embarrassed when we rush our emotions before we've gotten the chance to figure out his feelings. Trust me, in some instances, I'd rather be the man. We outnumber you! The odds are most certainly in YOUR favor.
At the end of the day, all I'd like readers to take away from this, is that women should prefer a man to be the man. This is something that carries over into the relationship. A man wants to feel needed, like the protector, the caregiver, the handyman, the fixer. This is an innate feature of men. I'm just saying, let him have manly those things, beginning with the initial point of the relationship: the approach.
NO! on August 04, 2012:
Your considerations on this issue seem antiquated at best. Why should men take all the risk of being rejected? It's a conspicuous and unfair double standard.
"I could never play such a one-sided game which favors women."
I couldn't agree more. Yet if I choose not to engage women, many will judge me as being less than a man (the author of this editorial included) and my sexual orientation may even be questioned.
Seems like some women want to eat their cake and have it too.
findawayormakeone (author) from Washington, DC Metro Area on May 01, 2012:
Wow! Sorry for being away so long. I never could've imagined that this topic could raise so many perfectly valid views. I was just the girl who wanted a guy to take the first step.
For those that agree, thanks! Ditto.
For those that think I'm foolish for my thoughts, you should know that I'm currently in a relationship with a great guy. Who made the first move. And reminds me frequently that he saw something worthwhile and stood up as a man to claim it. His words, not mine.
Just another view!
hahaha on April 24, 2012:
who cares once the sex robots start to roll off the Assembly line! are are indeterminable from the real thing, women can kiss the arse goodbye!
dave on March 26, 2012:
I would never approach a women either. If she is so interested in me, then she will approach, and we can avoid the usual stupid games that go the other way.
Redefined on March 23, 2012:
I have yet to find any real harm with a woman approaching a man especially if she's respectful.
zzzzz on March 21, 2012:
Where is the option to vote: I am a man and would never approach a women??
girlwriteswhat on March 17, 2012:
Men not marrying? How deep does "the problem" go?
101principles on March 16, 2012:
The Effects of Emasculation, Part I
The Effects of Emasculation, Part II
TheHappyMisogynist on March 16, 2012:
Where did all the good men go?
MrGordonGecko on March 16, 2012:
Consider this, women drive nearly 80 percent of all consumer sales in America. They comprise somewhere between 52-56 percent of the voters. So the media and marketing is often aimed at them. Its why you see so many feminist themes running through network TV. You'd have to go to a cable show to find anything negative about women said at all in any fashion.
Divorce rates are 50-70 percent depending on where you live. Women file 80 percent of the time and gain child custody 90 percent of the time. Ex husbands are expected to pay 40-70 percent of their salary in alimony/child support in many cases.
Women currently have more enrollment in colleges in the US than men.
Litigation has created a fatherless vacuum where someone donating sperm through a fertility clinic could be liable for child support. A man who discovers that his 'child' is actually not his, but a product of hidden infidelity is still held liable for child support. A man who lives with a single mother can be taken to Family Court and be ordered to pay child support even though the children are not his biological progeny.
The military is stocked with female soldiers who cannot often pass the basic physical requirements of specific jobs in the service. Jobs where life and death, not just political correctness, might be at stake.
So why should the modern Amercican man be interested at all in this kind of deal? This is what the modern American woman has to offer, and the offer is a sucker deal. Marriage rates in the US are consistently dropping. Other nations like Germany are already suffering from low birthrates.
What's going on is feminism has pretty much removed men from the basic family structure. Men are being bombarded by with the idea that they aren't necessary except to cover the tab for divorce and children. So men are just not getting married and avoiding having children. Its no secret, the stats about declining marriage rates are out there. Young men are being counseled by their financial advisors and accountants to avoid marriage and its implied liability. And more and more women are complaining that there are no men willing to marry out there. Well duh, if you treat men like second class wage slaves, stuff like this is going to happen.
I think there are probably some good and decent women out there, unfortuately I think too many young women are being raised with a sense of false entitlement and a pipe dream about men not being necessary in society. Well feminism based itself on the idea that women shouldn't get married at all. Now they are getting their wish, its happening and look at the state of education, child rearing and family values today. Its not pretty. Sometimes you really do get what you ask for.
shf84 on March 15, 2012:
I wouldn't even want to be around a woman who wanted me making all the decisions or who felt inferior to me. That would be pretty creepy. I would much rather have a woman who can stand up and be my equal than a woman-child who thinks I should be "in charge"
shf84 on March 15, 2012:
No one has to do any thing because of their sex. I approach women if I like them not because I'm male. The idea that a girl thinks I should behave a certain way because of my sex is a total turn off for me. Gender roles are degrading to any one it focuses on the persons body and ignores their humanity.
MHLifestyle on March 15, 2012:
How To Approach A Guy And Initiate A Conversation
Dr Phil on March 14, 2012:
Please educate yourself guys this bullshit with women has gone on long enough! The link below will help you on your way to understanding this new world a little better, do yourselves a huge favour and just watch at least one video.
DR Phil on March 14, 2012:
If women can’t respect you enough to be straight forward with you then their simply not worth it!
Just don’t fall for the same old traps again and again guys, women will do and say almost anything to shame you into believing it’s your job or role to do this and that! Bullshit.
Ever hear that crap, about men are hunters? Yeah because hunting is so much fun! Right I mean forget going to the supermarket, forget flying I’m walking, forget driving, forget washing machines, microwaves, dishwashers and ovens, I want to do things the unnecessarily long and hard way yeah! Get the drift ladies? Men don’t want bullshit! That’s why most of us will approach, because at the end of the day nothing will ever get done.
Oh and just a thought! Considering how rapidly advanced computers are becoming nowadays, how long do you predict it would take for some guy to create virtual reality environments in par with our own? And how long do you suspect it will take until someone figures out to become the next world’s richest man by creating virtual women? Start practicing ladies because once Pandora’s Box is open you’re going to have a hard time convincing men of anything in the future!
poisonakki on March 12, 2012:
she thinks it's the man's job to approach her. Approaching a man would be lowering herself.
Because on March 12, 2012:
It is easier to pick up a barfly at the bar, knock off a piece and the next day go on your way and not have to put up with all the bullshit that goes along with trying to have a relationship with a "I'm better than you" bitch. Pretty blunt, but it is the truth. I have decided never to marry but to just go get laid when the urge hits me. That way I keep my house, truck and money and not have to worry about losing it when the wife decides to find another dick to ride while I am out making a living for her and her kids. Pretty simple really.
wizard on March 06, 2012:
Way to encourage all women to be entitled princesses, who want all the same rights as men, yet still are too lazy to do things like ask men out or, horror of horrors, pick up the check on a date! Women like you don’t want equality, you want extra privileges. What have you done that is so special, other than owning a vagina? Your true colors as a man-hater really come through in this article. Well, if you don’t want to ask men out, so much the better for men! Because, guess what, no man with good sense wants to ask you out either! Oh, and by the way, you know why there are fewer of us asking out women? Its not just that women might reject us. We can take rejection if its delivered in a civil manner. Its because women feel they have to break down a man by not only delivering a cold and rude rejection, but also laughing about how they did it to their stupid friends behind his back. And I have no doubt that you are one of those women. So screw you and all of the other entitled princesses out there.
tim on March 06, 2012:
It's simple. Women are lazy. They think they should never have to get off their fat asses to get anything. Especially when men usually do something for them.
ntlbell on February 23, 2012:
ALL men do not like to chase ( like dogs after a moving vehicle) and I know
that I could never play such a one-sided game which favors women. I just
will not be treated by way of such a double standard. Can't do it.
ntlbell on February 23, 2012:
i think that some women like to play the harassment card after a blind date or one-night-stand gone wrong. that way, they can be the victim and get all the sympathy.... instead of, you know... being a stuck up bitch or slut.
@Kazydai on February 23, 2012:
If an attractive male approaches a woman and offers to buy her a drink, he's desirable and confident. If an unattractive or even average guy does it, he's a "creeper" and a "pervert."