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Top 14 Mistakes Made After a Break Up

Top 14 Mistakes Made After a Break Up


What Are the Top 14 Mistakes Made After a Break Up?

  1. Go Back To a Relationship You Know Isn't Right For You
  2. Offer and Attempt to Change In a Way That Will Make You Unhappy
  3. Try To Make Your Ex Jealous
  4. Fight Over a Man With Another Woman
  5. Seek Revenge/Retaliation on Ex
  6. Carry Baggage Into Every New Relationship
  7. Settle When You Know You Deserve Better
  8. Try To Remain Friends With Someone You Have Romantic Feelings For
  9. Drown Your Sorrows Away
  10. Use An Innocent Person As a Rebound
  11. Have Casual Sex/"One Night Stands" To Fulfill Loneliness
  12. String Along A Person You See Nothing More Than A Friend
  13. Hold On To Grudges/Stalk Your Ex
  14. Jump Into Another Relationship Too Soon Without Taking Time To Heal

1) Go Back To a Relationship You Know Isn't Right For You

"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting a different result." (Albert Einstein)

This quote fits perfectly to many of us that continuously return to a person we know is not right for us, and hold on to a relationship we know will not be successful.

What are reasons people continue in a relationship they know they should walk away from?

  • A person wants to feel they tried everything in their power to make it work, before walking away from a relationship for good.
  • A person believes that their partner will change, even though the person never does.
  • A person doesn't like being lonely, so they hold on to a relationship no matter how good or bad it is, up until they find someone else. Jump from relationship to relationship.
  • It's almost a matter of habit, where two people have been together so long, that over time they end up stuck in this sort of Break Up/Make Up Cycle.
  • They have little self worth, where they feel they don't deserve better, or can't find better.
  • They are discouraged from many relationship failures, and feel they won't ever find any better.
  • They feel bound by certain ties, such as finances, having children together, or religious expectations that they should remain together.
  • They are stuck in life, with no other place to go.
  • They love the person so much, that they stay in something clearly Toxic, even though they know they can't get along healthily as a couple.

2) Offer and Attempt to Change in a Way You Won't Be Happy

"Take me as I am; the good, the bad, and the ugly."

Never try to change yourself in any way in order to keep a man, or try to force a failing relationship to succeed, that will make you unhappy. If you feel like you are trying to repeatedly force something to work, than maybe it's time to leave it be. You have twisted that puzzle piece every way possible, and it just isn't fitting. If it's right, it should feel natural to an extent.

Relationships are hard work, and every couple really has to put in the effort to make a long term relationship successful. Anything extraordinary and valuable that is worth having doesn't usually come easy, and when found is worth fighting for. Because even though every relationship will have it's struggles, and no couple is perfect; the good should outweigh the bad. Things should be positive for the most part, most of the time, without one constantly having to go out of their way to try to make things work within the relationship.

In order for two people to have a flourishing relationship, it is important that they both have a lot in common, and that any differences between the two compliment and balance each other, in a harmony. Where in an area one is weak, the other is strong, making them a dynamic duo together. And any issues that ever arise are resolved effectively with good communication and compromise.

One should not ever try to change everything about themself, or how they are in a relationship, to make a relationship work. You can't force a wrong puzzle piece to fit another. Two people when joined together as a couple, should not continuously struggle to make something work between them. Rather than making all types of changes trying to fix something that never turns out right, maybe this is a sign that the two of you just aren't right together. Maybe there is someone else out there for you that is a better match that you would not have to change for. Someone who you wouldn't have to make that many compromises with, because the two of you just click together perfectly.

Maybe you should call it quits if:

  1. He is requesting you to make all these changes in order to take you back.
  2. You want to offer to make all these changes so he will possibly take you back.
  3. You have been continuously trying to make certain changes for some time now, and haven't been able to make these changes yet. (Don't know if you are capable of changes).
  4. He has been continuously trying to make certain changes for quite a while, and has yet to be successful. (Don't believe he's capable of change).
  5. He says he's going to make certain changes, but has yet to try so far after a long period of time. (Don't believe he wants to/is willing to change).

Sometimes it is okay to make certain changes for a relationship. For instance:

  1. All relationships involve give and take/compromise. There is nothing wrong with this. But is he willing to compromise as well, or is it one sided demands? Is he willing to do for you in return anything he askes of you? Fair is fair.
  2. Do you foresee these changes bringing about positive outcomes for the relationship for the both of you? Do the reasons for him requesting changes seem rational and reasonable?
  3. Sometimes when you love a person, you do things you would never do before for anyone else, and you aren't bothered by doing it for him, because you love him. We can see things from certain perspectives when in love that we wouldn't/don't see otherwise with anyone else. For example:
  • Something as small as you often enjoy your alone time to relax and work on hobbies, and you just started dating a guy that is a bit on the clingy side that wants much of your relaxation and hobby time spent more with him instead. And for any other person, you usually wouldn't want to give up this time, but you feel truly different about this guy because you love him, so you just aren't as bothered to give up much of your hobby time where you genuinely enjoy spending this extra time with him. It doesn't feel like a sacrifice being made when it comes to this guy.
  • Maybe a guy enjoys being single, and being involved with multiple women, without having anything serious with any of them. But when he meets you, he falls in love where he only has eyes for you now, and wants no one else. He doesn't want to seek other things with other women, he enjoys coming home to you and would rather spend time with you.
  • Maybe there are certain things you usually aren't comfortable doing with most guys. There were things you thought you would never do. But with this guy, you feel so comfortable and content, that you want to explore doing certain things with this guy. You aren't doing it because he asked you to, you are doing it because you want to do it, and it's an added bonus that it is something that makes him happy too.
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Should You Compromise and Make the Requested Change?

For each question, choose the best answer. The answer key is below.

  1. Making this compromise would not make me unhappy, or affect my life negatively in any way.
    • True
    • False
  2. If he wasn't asking me to make this change, I may have incorporated making this change some time in my life myself.
    • True
    • False
  3. This is not one of MANY DEMANDS he is asking me to make.
    • True
    • False
  4. His reasons why he is asking me to make this request are logical, rational, and reasonable.
    • True
    • False
  5. He says he still loves me, even if I don't make the change.
    • True
    • False
  6. He's not threatening to leave me if I don't make the change.
    • True
    • False
  7. I am not just making this change so that he won't leave me.
    • True
    • False
  8. He would agree to making the same change for me, that he is asking I make for him.
    • True
    • False
  9. I am willing to make changes for him, because he is willing to make compromises for me as well.
    • True
    • False
  10. I will not need to make huge adjustments in my life to implement this change.
    • True
    • False
  11. I am not wanting to make the change to keep him from belittling me in any way.
    • True
    • False
  12. I am not wanting to make the change only due to any guilt or regret.
    • True
    • False
  13. I do not believe I will have any guilt or regrets if I make the change.
    • True
    • False
  14. The change I am being asked to make seems to be a reoccurring issue in many of my relationships.
    • True
    • False
  15. Other people close to me are in favor of me making this change in my life.
    • True
    • False
  16. Making this change is beneficial for both of us in the relationship.
    • True
    • False
  17. Making this change will likely have positive outcomes that make the relationship better
    • True
    • False
  18. His reasons why he wants me to make this change seem to come from a genuine place with good intentions.
    • True
    • False

Answer Key

  1. True
  2. True
  3. True
  4. True
  5. True
  6. True
  7. True
  8. True
  9. True
  10. True
  11. True
  12. True
  13. True
  14. True
  15. True
  16. True
  17. True
  18. True

Interpreting Your Score

If you got between 0 and 5 correct answers: If you have scored False to this many statements, I would strongly suggest against making the requested change he is asking of you. Implementing his request may bring about negative situations for you that aren't in your best interest. Definitely reflect on the statements you answered False, and why they could possibly cause issues.

If you got between 6 and 10 correct answers: If you have scored False to this many statements, than I would suggest taking some time to really consider whether or not making the change he is requesting would be a good idea. What negative results could occur if you made this change, are you sure it's worth it?

If you got between 11 and 14 correct answers: If you have scored False to this many statements, than I would suggest you take some time to really reflect on them, and consider if implementing the change he is requesting of you could cause any negative issues for you that may not be worth it.

If you got between 15 and 16 correct answers: If you have scored True to this many statements, than making the change he is requesting of you seems quite likely to bring positive results. Reflect on the few statements that you answered False, and consider if they may present any possible problems and concerns, or if you think they will not be an issue if you implement the requested change.

If you got between 17 and 18 correct answers: If you have scored True to this many statements, than it seems very possible that making the change he is requesting of you will have positive results. I would suggest considering on implementing the change if you are comfortable with the request, and don't foresee it causing any possible issues.


3) Try to Make Your Ex Jealous

This can be so childish and ridiculous, but most of us aren't proud to admit that in some way, in some form, at some point of our lives, we have done this. Maybe it worked. Maybe it didn't. Maybe it satisfied us, maybe one didn't have the expected result hoped for.

The biggest problem here, far above any other, is that, it is one thing for you and your Ex to play games and go tit for tat between each other, if that's what you two want to waste your time doing, trying to make each other jealous and what not. But don't drag other innocent people into your mess, involving them in your drama, using them as pawns to get back at each other.

It is beyond rude, hurtful, and inappropriate to use somebody as a pawn for any purpose, under any circumstances. You could have a really nice guy agreeing on going on a date with you, that really likes you, and is genuinely interested in spending time with you and getting to know you. He could have been the right match for you, if only fully given the opportunity. But you sabotaged your chances with him, the minute he realizes that your focus is not on him, but on making your Ex jealous. Any self respecting man would not tolerate being treated this way, and want to stick around wasting time and participate in tit for tat petty games between two Ex's. You have no idea what you could've possibly just lost due to playing games.

Something one doesn't realize when they are trying to make their Ex jealous, is that doing so clearly shows one still has feelings for their Ex. Rather than moving on, one is playing petty games to continue to try and get their Ex's attention. Why give him the satisfaction of knowing you still think about him and you still care? Because no one plays games to get someone's attention, and acts in a manner to provoke and get a reaction out of someone, that they don't care about. Don't let him realize that you still think about him, and care what he thinks. That receiving his attention still matters to you. That his opinion of you means something to you. That he affects you and your life in any way, in any form, any longer.

What do you do if your plan doesn't work and he doesn't get jealous? If he doesn't give you the desired reaction you hoped for? Do you keep pushing the situation in hopes to try and get the desired reaction still? Do you go home to regroup and hatch a new scheme? Find a new person to try and use? Do you continue with your plotting until it works? What if it never does work? How long do you continue to try before giving up? How far are you willing to take things, what is too far, how long is too long, how much is too much? What about if he tries to do the same back to you, are you prepared to handle any petty retaliation to make you jealous?

I think this is such a waste of time. Instead of using your time to plot ways of getting your Ex's attention, stuck in the past, one should be plotting ways of getting someone else's attention in the present in hopes of a better future. Possibly getting the attention of "Mr. Right." You could entirely miss out on your right match showing up, because your focus and attention is still in the past, on someone you know is NOT right for you.


4) Fight Over a Man With Another Woman

One should never pick fights with another woman over a man. You want a man to choose to be with you because he actually wants to be with you. Attempting to sabotage a man's relationship serves you no purpose. Because if the man wanted to be with you, then he would be with you, not her. He has made his choice, good, bad, or otherwise, so you should just move on.

Something important to remember, is if a man can't seem to be able to make up his mind, and choose between you and another woman who it is he wants to be with, then this is your sign to remove yourself from the picture. If you can't make up your mind what you want, I'll make it easy for you, and choose for you. Not being able to make a definite choice, is choosing the other woman in my book. To me, any man that doesn't value me as his number one choice, does not deserve me. I am no one's "Option B" or "Back up plan." I will not be here waiting for you incase things don't work out with her. Once you choose another, you have lost any possible chance with me ever again.

A man who enjoys the attention of two women fighting over him and for his affections, does not truly care about either woman, but rather just enjoys the attention, and is no prize in my eyes. It is a major turn off to see a guy getting a kick out of two women fighting over him, and who encourages this behavior between the two females, rather than put a stop to the drama, and make his choice. My feelings are not to be toyed around with for your entertainment. If you aren't 100% certain that I am the woman for you, than I am 100% you are not the man for me.

"Hell Hath No Fury, Like a Woman Scorned"


5) Seek Revenge/Retaliation on Ex

Ever hear the saying, "Hell hath no wrath, like a woman scorned?" Retaliation and revenge is never the answer. It can often turn out badly. For more than just the recipient in which the revenge is being taken out on. Plots can turn into a huge mess, involving major drama and regrets for all those involved.

Some common ways in which people can try to seek out revenge on an Ex include:

  • Trying to make an Ex jealous.
  • Trying to hurt an Ex's reputation.
  • Trying to sabotage an Ex's new relationship.

So, I have discussed problems with trying to make an Ex jealous, and trying to sabotage an Ex's new relationship. (Fighting over a man with another woman). I have mentioned that no one should be a person's back up option. That if you are not obviously his number one choice, then you should remove yourself as an option at all.

Sabotaging an Ex's new relationship is a waste of time in my opinion. One should worry about their own love life, and moving on to their true match. Why waste anymore time and energy on the past? Does he deserve one more second of your attention? Don't give him the satisfaction of thinking he still impacts your life in any way. That anything regarding him still matters to you.

Some women will end up trying to chat with the new woman your Ex is with. I can't say I am for or against this, when done for certain reasons. This intertwines with ways of attempting to hurt your Ex's reputation.

First and foremost, do not slander your Ex with lies. Maybe after how badly he treated you, you believe he deserves certain slander to his reputation. But if you are going to come after a person, at least hurt them with the truth. Because if you get caught in lies, the only reputation taking a hit will be your own. Trying to slander him will backfire into you being made out to be a liar. Now nothing further out of your mouth will be trusted and believed. You now are looking like the shady bad guy, and he looks like a completely innocent victim.

Secondly, intentions behind why you are talking to the new woman can matter. If you are truly just scheming and stuck on plotting revenge to hurt your Ex somehow, I feel you are wasting your time and should move on. However, I do see the good in if you are warning the new woman about hurtful tendencies your Ex has, and was guilty of doing to you and other women, and you are genuine in looking out for her well being. Because you don't want her to get hurt the same way you were, so you are giving her a heads up; signs to watch out for. As well as letting the new woman know if he has reached out to you and came on to you romantically in any way that the new woman could perceive as betrayal. Or if you have seen him flirting with other women behind her back.

Other than speaking with the new woman, some women can be so hurt they look to retaliate by spreading harmful hurtful rumors attacking his reputation. Be cautious doing this. One can fall into a messy tit for tat game. What about when/if he retaliates? Is your closet clean and skeleton free? You are just continuing to be perpetrating and antagonizing and instigating further drama. Is it truly worth the mess? Is HE worth all the drama? The healthiest thing for you to do after being betrayed is to move on to someone else and forget about him. It's HIS LOSS.


6) Carry Baggage Into Every New Relationship

"Never carry baggage into a new relationship unless you plan on it being a short trip."

With a new relationship one needs a fresh start. A clean slate to write the next chapter in your life. Before jumping into a new relationship, one must take time to heal from the past one. One never wants to carry bitterness and insecurities into a new relationship. If you are not ready, willing, and capable, of letting circumstances from the past go, then you are not ready for another relationship. You need to continue taking time to heal.

Getting over hurt and betrayal can be very difficult. But a person cannot bring past problems into a new relationship. The last relationship didn't work out, so leave everything tied to it in the past, before you sabotage this new one as well. Don't hold on to negativity, and bring anything bad into other relationships that will destroy them. Allow them a chance to be successful.

With many people, "in the past it's learned that the trust is earned." It's not a bad thing to learn certain lessons from our past to grow as a person. Forgive, but never forget, right? And many people do operate with a mindset that trust is earned and not given. So, it's perfectly fine to say in future relationships upfront, "I am going to guard myself until with time I feel comfortable to trust a person this time." This is an acceptable way of going about new relationships, implementing lessons learned, which isn't technically carrying negative baggage from the past into new ones. There is a difference between the two.

Be sure not to punish any new lover, due to guys screwing you over in the past. This is a new person, a new relationship, a new start. If you take out unnecessary punishment on new guys that you are seeing, that are innocent of crazy accusations, and of disruptive insecurities, then the new person is not going to stick around and take treatment he doesn't deserve.

Have the mindset, "Prove to me you are a good guy that will treat me right." NOT, "Prove to me that you are NOT a bad guy and will NOT treat me wrong." Be guarded, but positive.


7) Settle When You Know You Deserve Better

Never settle for anything less than what you want or what you deserve. One should never think they aren't worth true love and happiness. Why think so little of yourself, and have such low self esteem?

Some people have had such terrible relationships in the past, that their standards are ridiculously low. One should never keep a relationship because they think "it's the best they can get." It's a terrible mindset to have, "well at least this guy does...or doesn't do..." so I'll try to make any other issues work. Characteristics of your dream guy/Mr. Right should include more than "isn't abusive," or, "Is actually faithful." This should always be a basic requirement from a man no matter what. One has to believe there is much better out there for them, and that there is a true soulmate made for every individual. Continue searching until you find "Mr. Right," don't try to force something you know in your gut is not right for you.

There are those out there that will take advantage of people with low self esteem, or are struggling with heart break in life. They target people they think are weak and naïve that they feel they can take advantage of. Don't let this happen to you.

Never get caught up in a Brake Up/Make Up Cycle where you keep going back out of habit and convenience either. "Well, we have been together for so long..." Stop trying to convince yourself that you should go back to a relationship you know in your heart is not right for you. Cut ties completely and release yourself from the misery. Why continue to drag out something causing only stress and grief? If things haven't changed in years yet, what makes you think they are going to change now, or will sometime in the future? Let go.


8) Try to Remain Friends With Someone You Have Romantic Feelings For

Trying to remain friends with someone you still have romantic feelings for never works. It only turns out messy and tumultuous for the both of you. After a break up, people need time apart to heal. Period. It can take twice as long and be twice as difficult to move on healthily if you still have feelings for an Ex and you continue to keep him around in your life.

Sometimes, you are both in an environment, where due to circumstances out of your control, you have to see each other. Such as at school or work. This can make it difficult to avoid one another. Just try to stick to yourself, other than interacting with other coworkers/students, and focus on getting your work done. Don't let their presence affect your performance in any way. You should never allow another person's behavior to affect you being your best self and living your best life.

Another complicated situation one can face, is if you two have the same friends and hang out in the same social circle. This situation (a break up) ends up being awkward for everyone. The best you can do in this situation, is to try not to bicker with each other and poke at each other to aggravate each other in front of your friends. But if you just can't seem to get along around each other, then you may need to attempt to hang out with your friends separate from one another. It can be a difficult situation for all involved.

Often, two Ex's can be friends over time, but the key words here are, "over time." Time and space apart to first heal is crucial. Choosing to spend time with an Ex you care about after a break up without circumstances being absolutely necessary can be torture. Especially if you are trying to move on. Never do this to yourself.

Commonly, romantic feelings do not end for one person, until one moves on to date another person. Sometimes, even though one is with another, it doesn't necessarily mean one has entirely moved on from an Ex. Also, a person can still feel awkward around an Ex even if they have moved on for the most part, and still have certain romantic feelings remain for an Ex. If you are bothered by your Ex still being around, don't be prideful, and make excuses you aren't bothered, because you are only sabotaging yourself from moving on and healing properly. Put properly healing before your pride, whatever that may mean is necessary for you to do.

Problems one can run into trying to remain friends with someone one still has romantic feelings for include:

  • One can remain in a state of stress and depression, unable to heal and move on.
  • One can have problems with the new woman the Ex is with.
  • The new woman can have a problem with you and/or you two remaining friends.
  • Your new man can have problems with you two remaining friends.
  • Your Ex being around can keep you from moving on and finding a new man.
  • Men will refuse to date or pursue you with an Ex still in the picture.
  • One is secretly hoping if she sticks around in the friend zone, that the guy she likes will miss her romantically, and regret leaving her, and want to get back together with her.
  • One is hoping if she remains friends, doing all the things he would say he likes about her, especially when he's not getting along with the new woman in the new relationship, then eventually maybe he will leave the new woman and get back with her.
  • One just can't bare the thought of him not being in her life one way or another, even if it's only friendship.

What can often backfire, is when a woman thinks sticking around even just as friends, will in ways possibly lead to her and her Ex getting back together. She is instead enabling him to have his cake and eat it too, where he isn't going to break up with the new woman for you, because you are already there where he can have you both. One romantically, one as a best friend, and a back up romantic interest if things fail with the new woman. Don't allow yourself to be used.

The longer you stick around in the friend zone, the longer you prolong pain and torture, and prevent healing and moving on. Maybe with time after you have taken some space to heal, and if you honestly don't have romantic feelings for the Ex any longer, you can check back and see if you can have him him back in your life as a friend only, if no romantic feelings return when he does. If they do start to return, cut the chord and leave him be for good.


9) Drown Your Sorrows Away

All people heal from heart break in different ways. There is no right or wrong way to heal yourself over time. There is no "How To Guide" regarding the correct way of moving on from an Ex. No one knows what you are going through, how you are feeling, how much you are struggling, and therefore should not judge you and your methods of coping.

But it is important that your methods of healing are as healthy and productive as possible, for your own sake and well being. Many people enjoy drinking alcoholic beverages, and going out to the bar to have a good time. There's nothing wrong with this. All that I suggest, is that one does not lose themself to unhealthy habits.

Don't allow the alcohol to ever take control of the situation, always remain in control of yourself and your life choices. Also, don't allow your judgement to stray due to alcohol, where you put yourself in unhealthy or unsafe situations. Your coping mechanisms of how you heal should never result in any regrets, cause you more pain and suffering, or cause further damage in your life in any way.

Further pain and suffering from substance abuse can include:

  • "I wouldn't have slept with that guy/guys."
  • "I wouldn't have been hung over so much that I lost my job."
  • "I wouldn't have been drinking and driving."
  • "I wouldn't have spent all my money."
  • "I wouldn't have gotten arrested."
  • "I wouldn't have lost my friends."
  • "I wouldn't have had these health issues."

Other ways to cope that may be more healthy, if drinking is causing more problems than healing include:

  • Journaling Your Thoughts Daily
  • Going Out For Walks/Nature Hikes
  • Seeking Counseling
  • Taking a Relaxing Vacation To Clear Your Mind
  • Listening To Music/Go to a Concert/Karaoke
  • Game Nights/Movie Nights with Friends
  • Cook Your Favorite Foods/Treat Yourself in Some Way

10) Use an Innocent Person as a "Rebound"

The most unfortunate problem regarding these circumstances, (after a break up) is that usually one never "uses" a person as a "rebound" on purpose. Typically, a "rebound" is a short fling, in which a person jumps into a new relationship too soon, and therefore it never lasts long. It's called a "rebound," because it's the relationship used to get over another relationship.